Slow news day (volume one)

I was going to write something about the newly released Roman Polanski being treated like a fish, in that we didn't really do anything with him (like eat him) after the Swedish authorities caught him but we did make him late for things...so take that! Then I remembered that (A) I hate that douchebag rapist so talking about him makes me feel ishy and (B) that is waaaaay too heavy of a story to use as filler. Sure, you can get a few good "Swedish authorities" jokes while recapping the events, but for the most part, you want to stay away from comedy in a story involving an adolescent being drugged and violated. Enjoy your Oscar, Rom-rom!

So on this, a slow-ass news day, I figured the best I could do was find a bit of casting news that could serve as a distraction.
Distracted? I thought so. She's going to play the female lead in I'm.mortal, which uses punctuation in an attempt to be clever and yet ignores the wittiest of all grammar markers (the semicolon). The synopsis, which I found over at Latinoreview.com, is as follows:

In "I'm.mortal" time has become the currency. The rich are immortal, while the rest struggle to stay alive. When a rebel from the ghetto is falsely accused of murdering a wealthy man for his time, he is forced to go on the run with a beautiful hostage (Seyfried). Together, this duo rages against the system, living minute to minute. They discover that love is more powerful than all the time in the world.

I don't mind it, but you just know it has zero chance of being good. It's got that exact type of concept where in the hands of someone skilled, with talented folks in it, it could be Children of Men and without those things it's Repo Men. Seyfried is lovely, albeit a little wooden lately. And by that I mean she's not performing that well, not that she's been replaced by a female Pinocchio.

When given the chance, YOU WORK WITH PTA

Speaking as someone whose best chance of working for PTA will come after I have children, when PTA (Paul Thomas Anderson) asks you to join his film...YOU JOIN HIS FILM. I don't care if the role is "mute who stands in the corner touching himself," if someone who may end up being this generation's Stanley Kubrick asks you to partake in his vision, you drop whatever lame-ass romantic-comedy, talking-dog tentpole, or reimagined TV-series-turned-movie you were working on and get your ass to whatever whacked out location he is using. Why am I ranting about the need to bow to every whim of the man behind Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Punch Drunk Love, and There Will Be Blood? Because The Playlist is reporting that PTA is no longer waiting for a studio to come to their senses and fund the project, he's putting his damn cast together NOW. As all proper devotees of this writer/director/demigod know, his next inevitable masterpiece is about Scientology. Except, it's not called Scientology to avoid getting sued, but it may as well be called Schmientology in the film it's that obvious. Philip Seymour Hoffman is playing "The Master" (L Ron Hubbard...I mean, J Don Blubbard) and Jeremy Renner is also set to star. It's time to add the ladies, and PTA is beginning with a doozy. The role of Hoffman's wife (in the movies, in real life NOBODY touches Philip Seymour Hoffman because, you know, gross) has been offered to....
This is great, because someone really needs to keep Reese from doing something like Four Christmases 2 (would that be 8 Christmases or is there some kind of multiplier I'm forgetting). As for the role of the daughter of Witherspoon and Hoffman (again, in the movie, because in real life, Hoffman doesn't even have genitals), there are three actresses in contention:

Deborah Ann Woll

Amanda Seyfried

Emma Stone

Now, that Deborah (I believe it's pronounced deb-ORR-ahh, like on MILF Island) is out because...hellooooo did you see those teeth? Right, I'm being told she's a vampire on "True Blood" and that's why she looks like that. My apologies, now she's out because she stars on "True Blood." Seyfried is probably out unless PTA includes a plot that involves her writing letters or reading letters or stealing letters from someone she loves in some way (and unless it's "Nicholas Sparks presents Schmientology). So that conveniently leaves the only person who should be considered: EMMA STONE! You know my love for her, you know her talent in my eyes, and you know that I love PTA for coming to the same conclusion. Further proof the man is a genius.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

First off, let me congratulate you for surviving to see another Thursday. It ain't easy to do these days, so nice job still being alive. Second, welcome to another round of me exposing my junk to the world. Of course, by junk, I mean movie news that isn't big enough to warrant a full blog post (and a euphemism for male reproductive anatomy...teeheehee). As is our special tradition, we begin by looking at the creepy junk drawer image above, taken from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN). We pick out one item from above, make up a story about it that is nonsense, and then get to the movie stuff. Today's item is the screw in the middle. Julie knew that her husband's life ambition was to complete his full-size replica of the Millenium Falcon. She also knew that, having completed this hobby, his life would lose all meaning and he would likely kill himself in some semi-humiliating way (not autoeroticasphyxiation but maybe trying to crawl inside a Llama like a Tauntaun). So you see, she had to hide the screw. She had to hide it so that he couldn't attach the rear thrusters. It was for his own good.

Okay, enough tomfoolery and shenanigans, let's get to my junk.

1.) I always say "McGGGGGGG" like "KHAAAAAAN!!!" - My nemesis and hater of all things good, McG, is getting ready to direct nubile young starlet Amanda Seyfried, right at the point in her career where she either disappears into bimboism or surges into quality-actress status. Seyfried, shown here with ridiculous ears on:
is looking to get all McG-d in The Girl Who Conned the Ivy League, which will either be shortened to The Ivy League or The Girl Who Conned or X-Men Origins: Girl Conner. It's a total rip off of Catch Me if You Can, in that it's about a girl who scams her way through various identities while on the run from an FBI guy. Oh, except it's based on a Rolling Stone article, so I guess that a real person ripped off Catch Me if You Can in real life. Damn you, DiCaprio, your movies ruin lives. Actually, I think McG's movies have done more to erode society. Careful, Ms. Seyfried, you sure are purty, but if you McG yourself after doing a Nicholas Sparks movie already I may have to move you into the Keira Knightley category.

2.) Something blue this way comes... - The Smurfs is happening. I know, it sucks, but you should just brace yourself because there's no stopping it at this point. Neil Patrick Harris has already been cast as one of the live-action humans, and now we're getting a slew of Smurfy voice actors. EW reports that Hank Azaria will voice Gargamel (interesting, because Gargamel was always a human...so why would he need to be voiced...unless the producers felt that he was too much of a rampant, awful Jewish stereotype to be played by an actual person...seriously, look that shit up). Also voicing folks are Katy Perry (attractive, largely-talentless singer), Jonathon Winters (who will voice Papa Smurf), Alan Cumming, and George Lopez (who is SURE to make some kind of Hispanic joke despite being a blue hallucination). Rumors had Quentin Tarantino voicing Brainy Smurf, which almost made me want to see this movie, but then I remembered that I'm not 10 and I don't drop acid or eat mushrooms. So, nevermind.

3.) Conan the confusing cast - If I cared about Conan's reboot, I would be mystified at the amount of weird casting and uncasting going on. Slashfilm has a good, comprehensive write-up of the mess, which includes the fact that Mickey Rourke has been replaced by Ron Perlman (which is a good trade in my book...it's like getting the cool without the batshit crazy), Steven Lang (the angry military dude who was the best part of Avatar) is in, and most notably Rose McGowan has been added to the cast. I would put a picture of her here, but everything on the internet has her business hanging out either in the front or the back. She was going to play Red Sonya, but then her relationship with Robert Rodriguez bit the dust, so now she's been added to Conan as someone OTHER than Red Sonya. This means (A) she won't likely be playing two characters in the same universe, so Red Sonya is out for her and (B) she must really love Conan for some reason. Seriously, how do you get involved in TWO Conan projects in the year 2010? That's just crazy. Anyway, this movie sounds like a mess. It may be fun, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

4.) See, I told you - I know some people were offended by me bagging on Tim Burton heavily lately, but that douche deserves it. Further proof: He's going to ruin stop-motion animation for me. After guiding The Nightmare Before Christmas to absolute perfection, he's now done a weird retread with The Corpse Bride and now this...he's going to direct a stop-motion remake of a remake of a TV show. Yep, he's doing The Adams Family. I bet he doesn't even go to the set. Why would he need to? Everybody knows what he's going to say and do, what his "vision" is for the totally awful sounding project, why even bother going. Just send a note that says "Dear animators, make this look like every other thing I've ever done and tell Johnny I said Hi when he comes in to do the voice acting." If Johnny Depp DOESN'T voice Gomez Adams and if Helena Bonham Carter DOESN'T voice Morticia, I will officially be flabbergasted. And by flabbergasted, I don't mean my body will do that sick-ass jig that Burton made Depp's body do in Alice in Wonderland. I wonder if the Adams' house will be crooked? I wonder if Danny Elfman will do the score? Here's the best thing involving Tim Burton lately (one more time):



5.) Trailers, parked - A few new ones.

First up, here's one for the ladies. I mean that in a really positive way. I know a lot of women who were inspired and moved by "Eat, Pray, Love" and the trailer for the movie looks good. It does. I don't care if that makes you think less of me, I want to see it. Most importantly, I think it will be a quality adaptation for those who wanted it badly. Here's the preview.



Next up is a sneak peak at Predators, for the fellas. Let's face it, we all thought this franchise was double dead after Danny Glover killed it and then Paul WS Anderson pooped on it with AVP. Turns out, you can go home again. Also, does anyone else have the desire to laugh upon seeing Oscar-winner Adrian Brody fighting Predators? I do.



Finally, there's Four Lions, which is the ballsiest comedy concept I've EVER heard of. Seriously, there's ballsy, and then there's making a movie where the central characters are Jihadists who are looking to blow something up. You parody both the anti-terrorists AND the terrorists? That's just...wow. The trailer made me laugh, too. This is going to explodify the mind of all Fox News folks, so that's another bonus. Here's the clip.



Okay, that's it. I've now done an insane amount of catch up writing, so go back to doing whatever it is you were doing and I'll see you for Friday tomorrow.

Little red riding huh?

I'm kind of intrigued by the proposed "gothic retelling" of Little Red Riding Hood that's going to be directed by Catherine Hardwicke. Although on the surface it sounds terrible, and despite Hardwicke's involvement with Twilight the first go-round, I'm holding out hope. Oh, and there's also the fact that The LA Times compares the upcoming flick to both Twilight and Shutter Island. That's awesome. I should describe more things with diametrically opposite means of comparison. "It's like The Shining meets House Party 2." I swear, people should shut up sometimes. Just give us the plot and move on, don't try to target your demographic while describing a movie that's not even made. I know that's difficult when your movie is a retelling of Little Red Riding Hood that will likely involve a werewolf and suggestive sexual situations, but them's the breaks.

The reason I'm excited is because Hardwicke is talented, and the take she wants to use sounds a little more grown up. Oh, and I'm also excited for this:
I know that Amanda Seyfried just got done terrorizing the tear ducts of teens around the globe with Dear John, or as I liked to call it, F**k John. Still, I loved her in Mama Mia and she has a definite presence about her. The LA Times story suggests that Seyfried is being brought in to get the project rolling again, because she's hot doody right now. I don't know if this will be a hot mess of crap or something truly inspired. All I know is that the last time I saw a retelling of this story, I got Freeway. The language below is salty, as a warning. It also rules.



If I get something half that good this time out, I'm in.