Cutting Room Floor is home to a sea of snark and snippets about upcoming movies, rumors about films, and other assorted nonsense. Sure, the information is mostly accumulated from other reputable sources, but the sarcasm is 100% home grown.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The Yin and Yang of Monsterpocalypse
Let's play a rousing game of good news/bad news for the upcoming Monsterpocalypse, inspired by the exclusive news at Slashfilm!
Good news: The plot is that monsters fight humans, humans fend them off, the monsters hide for awhile, the humans figure out they're hiding and build big robots with which to fight the monsters, and then the humans in giant robot suits fight giant monsters. That's perhaps the single best single sentence plot description I have ever written.
Bad news: This is the inspiration for the movie. Good news: Ken Ralston is developing the monsters, who are said to be the size of buildings, and he helped design Star Wars and Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Bad news: It's envisioned as a 3D big-budget endeavor, meaning the monsters will probably (A) only attack because they wanted a hug, (B) have a distinct lack of slightly phallic tentacles everywhere, and (C) never eat anybody.
Good news: Uh, I covered the robots right? Because there are giant robots.
Bad news: The guy who wrote Titan A.E. is writing it.
Good news: Okay, but to be fair, that guy also wrote Go and The Nines.
Bad news: Yeah, well, he also wrote Big Fish and The Corpse Bride.
Good news: Right, those are very flawed, but not bad. The worst thing about those is the director. You can't fault him for the fact that Tim Burton sucks, right?
Bad news: Tim Burton is going to direct Monsterpocalypse.
Good news: Motherf..
Bad news: Voltron will not be in it.
Good news: Why even say that? Did someone think Voltron would be in it?
Bad news: Tim Burton is still directing.
Good news: You already said that.
Bad news: Well, it's REALLY bad news.
Good news: Solid point there. Man, I ran out of good things like a long time ago.
Happy Monday to ya! I hope your weekend was just disgustingly, disturbingly enjoyable for you. Mine was a weird blend of super-busy Saturday and sublimely simple Sunday. That's how it should be, in my humblest of opinion. At least, that's how it should be if someone wants me happy and not homicidal to start the work week.
Let's begin today with one of my favorite pastimes, verbally stabbing Tim Burton's giant pinata head. ComingSoon talked to the guy producing the stop-motion Addams Family movie that was rumored to be directed by Burton before Burton's people issued a strong denial. Yeah, the producer officially says he has Burton in mind to direct. Is it possible that Timmy boy could come to his senses and hold firm on his "no" vote? Sure. It's also possible that one day Glenn Beck is going to make a good point, but I'm not holding my breath. I held the theory for awhile that if Burton would just get away from the repetitive crap he's been treading water in, he could do something of value. Then I remembered this: That was going to be Tim Burton's Superman, obviously starring Nicholas Cage. That was his idea. He thought that looked good. As it stands, he has something like 6 projects in the works, ranging from Frankenweenie to Mai the Psychic Girl. None of them sound appealing to me. Maybe I'm still pissed about Alice in Wonderland. And just so nobody thinks I'm some kind of self-righteous prick, I'm not against selling out. I just no longer think that's what Burton has done. I used to think he just successfully found an audience who will buy his bullshit with such force that he's now Lord of Hot Topic. He's not just going back to the well for cash. I believe this is all he ever had to give. Sadface.
That klanging bell you hear is the Ratner alarm going off. I had inched the doomsday clock to one-minute-to-midnight the other day when I realized that Brett "must f**k something up" Ratner hadn't ruined a movie in awhile. Sure as shit, we're now dealing with a Ratner Alert of near-biblical proportions. Folks, Deadline is reporting that The Rat just acquired Brother's Grimm: Snow White. When not pressed in any way for comment, the hack-master yelped "This is not your grandfather's Snow White." He really said that. Just when you think he can't be any more of a parody of himself, he hypes his upcoming project with "not your grandfather's" crap. So, Snow White is going to be racially tolerant and vote Democrat? Is that how it's not my grandfathers? He then expounded on how in this version the dwarfs are thieves and how there's a dragon or some such nonsense, but I put on my "Ratner-vision goggles" (aka, a blindfold) and was prevented from reading further garbage. Interestingly, Slashfilm has a great post about the number of "not your grandfather" fairy tale flicks in the pipeline, including Tim "You lay off Brett Ratner, I'm turning into him" Burton's Maleficent (the retelling of Sleeping Beauty from the evil queen's point of view), Disney's upcoming live-action Cinderella re-do (which hasn't been done before in literally minutes), and the Great and Powerful Oz prequel. That's a lot of reworked magical shenanigans, which is probably what inspired Ratner in the first place. He's like Beetlejuice, only instead of saying his name three times, he shows up when someone has a series of bad ideas.
I mostly keep track of time by how often I find myself writing this junk column. Again?! We've made it through another week AGAIN?! Why that's as shocking as it is spectacular! Before we get started, a quick note to whoever has been blowing up this blog lately (especially clicking the crap out of the ads). I love you to the utmost allowance of the law given that you technically are sending me money (I ain't going back to the pokey on no prostitution charge again).
As you know, I named this column my junk drawer in part because the metaphor worked and in part because it allowed me to make a juvenile reference to "showing people my junk." Yes, I do get paid (minimally) for such cleverness. In reality, this is the place where I show off all the movie news that's too small to warrant its own blog post. We begin by looking at the above image from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN), which is terrifying to me for some reason. We (and by we, I mean I) then select an item from that illustration and make up a story about it for funsies. Today's item is the fuzzy cord in the middle. Tito had spent his whole life terrified of spiders. He dedicated his life to inventing new and better ways to kill them, ranging from "Whack-a-Spider," a spider-shaped mallet, to "Spider-b-Gone," a spray that released a cloud that would follow the spider, raining acid down upon it. Tito thought of little else in his life. Sadly, the last thoughts he ever had were the following: "OHMYGOD IS THAT A GIANT SPIDER IN MY JUNK DRAWER WITH LEGS LIKE A MINI OCTOPUS" and "Is this technically an ironic death?"
Okay, that's enough nonsense. Let's get right to the good stuff! Here's the news that's mostly fit to print.
1.) Like I've always said, don't worry...Costner's on it - What I'm about to tell you is going to sound impossible or at the very least ridiculous. BP has called Kevin Costner to ask for his help cleaning up the oil spill in Louisiana because of an invention he paid for while making Waterworld. No, you haven't switched to the new Hallucinogenic Mint flavor of Crest Toothpaste nor did your spouse finally cause blunt force trauma to your cabeza while you slept. I'm not making this up, the New York Daily News says that Costner paid scientists millions of dollars to make a device that could purify ocean water. They succeeded in creating something that used centrifuge technology to render oil-laden water 97% pure (the other 3% contains Costner body hair). They have devices in various sizes, the largest can purify 200 gallons per minute. I'm serious, stop looking at me like this. I'm not that clever. I couldn't come up with something this ridiculous on my own. Look, here's a newscast talking about it.
See! So, on the one hand, thank God for Waterworld, right? On the other...I don't want Kevin Costner to be responsible for anything good. I don't want to even accidentally respect him. So, let's pause a minute and talk about his press conference attire. Kevin, when you're part of a team that CALLS the press conference, feel free to wear something slightly more upscale than your beer-stained drinkin' polo. This wasn't ambush journalism...you called this conference. Also, it appears to be quite cloudy, so feel free to take your sunglasses of when you address the people who, for once, actually care about what you're saying. For the next few minutes, you are the donor who helped create valuable technology, not the guy who did Swing Vote. I know you're convinced that your unprotected stare may cause ladies to instantly drop their panties, but those days disappeared with your hairline. If your machine, which appears in the video above to make wine not clear oil, actually works, I'll say something nice about you. Promise.
2.) How bad do you have to be to NOT star in Transformers 3- So far, the only people who appeared in the last Transformers who aren't appearing in this next installment are two racist robots and Megan Fox (and people have supposedly seen the racist robots on set). Claiming it was "her choice" to exit the series, Fox will be replaced, although Michael Bay promises that the quest to find an incredibly hot actress with little talent will be a challenge he may spend years on. Fox, who has committed what I believe to be career seppuku, is set to debut her terrible southern accent in the sure-to-be-a-bomb Jonah Hex before moving on to finding a cure for her toe thumbs. Most kidding aside, I don't think Fox realizes that she's a flash in the pan. There are zillions of pretty boys and girls in the world. Unless she is able to find something that fully plays to her strengths (presumably a 3D silent film), she's going to disappear faster than Costner's hairline.
3.) Tim Burton to cast Johnny Depp as a psychic, teenage Japanese girl? - Okay, that's a little presumptuous on my part. It's entirely possible that Burton could cast his wife, Helena Bonham "OHMYGODDOSOMETHINGWITHYOURHAIR" Carter as the teenage Japanese girl with psychic powers in Mai, The Psychic Girl. The director is adapting the 1980s era manga comic about a....okay, you get the idea. He was supposed to do this awhile back, but it would likely have not fit his "must repeat myself exactly for the next decade" life plan. Now, he's revisiting the project and it is said to be next on his list. Latino Review has some interesting thoughts on the matter, and if I may crawl out of my angry shell for a moment, so do I. This has the potential, and that is just potential, to urge Burton to at least try something different. I see no fairy tale aspects (it's more sci-fi), I see no immediate place to put the two actors I mentioned above (other than maybe some kind of father and mother cameo), and I see no way in which the gothic style he's repeated ad naseum would instantly transfer here. Let's call me cautiously optimistic that even Burton has gotten sick of Burton.
4.) I'm less horrified that this is going to be a movie and more horrified that it's a book - Someone spent presumably hours of their life writing "Blood Oath," a novel with the tagline "The ultimate secret. The ultimate agent. The President's vampire." Someone else then presumably read that novel (or at least the back jacket of it) and said, "let's make that a movie." Now, Heatvision is reporting that we are going to see a movie about a vampire spy. Let that wash over you for a minute. A vampire spy. When I claimed that Twilight was going to ruin the world, I apparently was understating things. We now live in a reality with vampire secret agent movies where Spider-man will be rebooted to capture more of the Twilight-esque teenage romance. I'm not nearly drunk enough to be recounting these events. Also, to the guy who wrote "Blood Oath": Stop it. Just...stop it. If you have the self-control and patience to actually finish a novel, you have the potential to correct your life before it's too late. If you write a sequel where there's a werewolf working for the KGB, I will stab you with a spork. Also, you can't write that now because I came up with the idea first. Someone get my agent on the phone.
5.) Trailers, parked - I'm not going to make you wait another minute for my favorite discovery of the day. The film is called Iron Sky. You're going to want to see it. Why? Well it's a Finnish-German production filmed mostly in English. It's supposedly got humor to it, although I didn't see much in the trailer. Oh, and it's based on the premise that in 1945, Nazis fled to the dark side of the moon and have now returned to take over earth. Here you go!
There really aren't that many other interesting trailers out at the moment, so I'll just leave you this time to rewatch that one again. Seriously. Nazis in space.
First off, let me congratulate you for surviving to see another Thursday. It ain't easy to do these days, so nice job still being alive. Second, welcome to another round of me exposing my junk to the world. Of course, by junk, I mean movie news that isn't big enough to warrant a full blog post (and a euphemism for male reproductive anatomy...teeheehee). As is our special tradition, we begin by looking at the creepy junk drawer image above, taken from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN). We pick out one item from above, make up a story about it that is nonsense, and then get to the movie stuff. Today's item is the screw in the middle. Julie knew that her husband's life ambition was to complete his full-size replica of the Millenium Falcon. She also knew that, having completed this hobby, his life would lose all meaning and he would likely kill himself in some semi-humiliating way (not autoeroticasphyxiation but maybe trying to crawl inside a Llama like a Tauntaun). So you see, she had to hide the screw. She had to hide it so that he couldn't attach the rear thrusters. It was for his own good.
Okay, enough tomfoolery and shenanigans, let's get to my junk.
1.) I always say "McGGGGGGG" like "KHAAAAAAN!!!" - My nemesis and hater of all things good, McG, is getting ready to direct nubile young starlet Amanda Seyfried, right at the point in her career where she either disappears into bimboism or surges into quality-actress status. Seyfried, shown here with ridiculous ears on: is looking to get all McG-d in The Girl Who Conned the Ivy League, which will either be shortened to The Ivy League or The Girl Who Conned or X-Men Origins: Girl Conner. It's a total rip off of Catch Me if You Can, in that it's about a girl who scams her way through various identities while on the run from an FBI guy. Oh, except it's based on a Rolling Stone article, so I guess that a real person ripped off Catch Me if You Can in real life. Damn you, DiCaprio, your movies ruin lives. Actually, I think McG's movies have done more to erode society. Careful, Ms. Seyfried, you sure are purty, but if you McG yourself after doing a Nicholas Sparks movie already I may have to move you into the Keira Knightley category.
2.) Something blue this way comes... - The Smurfs is happening. I know, it sucks, but you should just brace yourself because there's no stopping it at this point. Neil Patrick Harris has already been cast as one of the live-action humans, and now we're getting a slew of Smurfy voice actors. EW reports that Hank Azaria will voice Gargamel (interesting, because Gargamel was always a human...so why would he need to be voiced...unless the producers felt that he was too much of a rampant, awful Jewish stereotype to be played by an actual person...seriously, look that shit up). Also voicing folks are Katy Perry (attractive, largely-talentless singer), Jonathon Winters (who will voice Papa Smurf), Alan Cumming, and George Lopez (who is SURE to make some kind of Hispanic joke despite being a blue hallucination). Rumors had Quentin Tarantino voicing Brainy Smurf, which almost made me want to see this movie, but then I remembered that I'm not 10 and I don't drop acid or eat mushrooms. So, nevermind.
3.) Conan the confusing cast - If I cared about Conan's reboot, I would be mystified at the amount of weird casting and uncasting going on. Slashfilm has a good, comprehensive write-up of the mess, which includes the fact that Mickey Rourke has been replaced by Ron Perlman (which is a good trade in my book...it's like getting the cool without the batshit crazy), Steven Lang (the angry military dude who was the best part of Avatar) is in, and most notably Rose McGowan has been added to the cast. I would put a picture of her here, but everything on the internet has her business hanging out either in the front or the back. She was going to play Red Sonya, but then her relationship with Robert Rodriguez bit the dust, so now she's been added to Conan as someone OTHER than Red Sonya. This means (A) she won't likely be playing two characters in the same universe, so Red Sonya is out for her and (B) she must really love Conan for some reason. Seriously, how do you get involved in TWO Conan projects in the year 2010? That's just crazy. Anyway, this movie sounds like a mess. It may be fun, but I'm not getting my hopes up.
4.) See, I told you - I know some people were offended by me bagging on Tim Burton heavily lately, but that douche deserves it. Further proof: He's going to ruin stop-motion animation for me. After guiding The Nightmare Before Christmas to absolute perfection, he's now done a weird retread with The Corpse Bride and now this...he's going to direct a stop-motion remake of a remake of a TV show. Yep, he's doing The Adams Family. I bet he doesn't even go to the set. Why would he need to? Everybody knows what he's going to say and do, what his "vision" is for the totally awful sounding project, why even bother going. Just send a note that says "Dear animators, make this look like every other thing I've ever done and tell Johnny I said Hi when he comes in to do the voice acting." If Johnny Depp DOESN'T voice Gomez Adams and if Helena Bonham Carter DOESN'T voice Morticia, I will officially be flabbergasted. And by flabbergasted, I don't mean my body will do that sick-ass jig that Burton made Depp's body do in Alice in Wonderland. I wonder if the Adams' house will be crooked? I wonder if Danny Elfman will do the score? Here's the best thing involving Tim Burton lately (one more time):
5.) Trailers, parked - A few new ones.
First up, here's one for the ladies. I mean that in a really positive way. I know a lot of women who were inspired and moved by"Eat, Pray, Love" and the trailer for the movie looks good. It does. I don't care if that makes you think less of me, I want to see it. Most importantly, I think it will be a quality adaptation for those who wanted it badly. Here's the preview.
Next up is a sneak peak at Predators, for the fellas. Let's face it, we all thought this franchise was double dead after Danny Glover killed it and then Paul WS Anderson pooped on it with AVP. Turns out, you can go home again. Also, does anyone else have the desire to laugh upon seeing Oscar-winner Adrian Brody fighting Predators? I do.
Finally, there's Four Lions, which is the ballsiest comedy concept I've EVER heard of. Seriously, there's ballsy, and then there's making a movie where the central characters are Jihadists who are looking to blow something up. You parody both the anti-terrorists AND the terrorists? That's just...wow. The trailer made me laugh, too. This is going to explodify the mind of all Fox News folks, so that's another bonus. Here's the clip.
Okay, that's it. I've now done an insane amount of catch up writing, so go back to doing whatever it is you were doing and I'll see you for Friday tomorrow.
I'm not a Planet of the Apes enthusiast. I'm more inclined to investigate the series now that Charlton Heston is dead. What? I felt like me getting into the series would somehow give the cantankerous old gun-toter some measure of pleasure before he died, and eff that. Anyway, I'm barely knowledgeable on the franchise. I was too young to really hit the craze that died out in the 70s and 80s, and then came the Tim Burton debacle. A quick word about that total dogshit movie, though: Looking back on it, that may have been the death of Tim Burton the moviemaker. I know that sounds crazy, but I think his will and spirit got broken by the negative public reaction to the film. He retreated into an insular, well-cultivated fanbase that celebrates his repetition as some measure of genius. If you look at it, everything he's done since then is so totally obvious and expected that I kind of wish we had supported that miserable misfire if just to keep Timmy on the straight and narrow. I'm rambling, this is supposed to be about how they've hired someone to reboot the series in a way. People who know, specifically Devin from Chud, have been pretty geeked about Cesar, the movie that will serve as a leaping-off point for future Planet of the Apes movies. Supposedly, it's a "hard sci-fi movie" (a descriptor that always seems kind of dirty to me...like it's going to have scenes of spaceships doin' it or something) that details humans genetically engineering really intelligent chimps who stage some kind of revolt. You can see where this would lead to the world of Planet of the Apes, what with the apes attempting to rule the planet. Again, this really doesn't do anything for me in particular, but I've heard that I should be excited. So allow me to feign excitement. Whoopie. There. That's the best I can do.
I am a grumpy asshole sometimes. I know that. Still, I hope that people in the world know that I don't actually begrudge them their entertainment. One man's totally awful, painful experience is another person's favorite movie. Art is subjective, even bad art. So, yes, you are totally empowered and entitled to believe that Alice in Wonderland is a good movie, even though it isn't. Here's the review:
Blather Jockey Alice in Wonderland proves Burton has lost it
To director Tim Burton, the only thing more unimaginable than casting a minority in one of his films is allowing Johnny Depp to keep his dignity. Friends or not, if Depp had shot Burton in the face after watching the computer-generated jig his body was reanimated into performing during Alice in Wonderland’s dénouement, it would have been justifiable homicide. If something as flaccid as this exercise in 3D jackassery can leave a lasting impression, it will be remembered for the moment Depp and Burton officially became parodies of themselves.
Screenwriter Linda Woolverton was “inspired by” Lewis Carroll’s novels, insofar as “inspired by” means “encouraged to castrate and simplify.” Luckily, Carroll, a mathematician noted for playing with both words and logic, is dead, so he won’t be privy to the often dull and dumb endeavor his classic tomes served to “inspire.” The film opens with Alice, played by the so-pale-she’s-damn-near-translucent Mia Wasikowska, discussing a dream with her father. This dream is actually her first visit to Wonderland, the most boring fantasy world in all of creation, which she forgets for no explainable reason.
Fast forward and Alice is nearly 20 years old and about to be forced into marrying a yucky British royal. At the moment when Sir Snooty McBadteeth proposes, Alice sees the White Rabbit (Michael Sheen) and chases him down his magic hole. Once there, she meets some familiar faces, rendered with animation slightly less sophisticated than is used to make the Geico gecko. Tweedledee and Tweedledum (both played by Matt Lucas) and Dormouse (Barbra Windsor) can’t agree whether this Alice is the “right Alice,” so they ask the pot-smoking, er, hookah-smoking caterpillar (Alan Rickman), who speaks cryptically to further the plot.
Thankfully, the Mad Hatter (Depp) informs her that she is the correct Alice and that she must slay the Jabberwocky, the evil protector of the Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter). The Red Queen has been given an enormously disproportionate head using computer effects presumably because Burton and Woolverton considered this both hilarious and sufficient character development. The White Queen (Anne Hathaway) doesn’t fair much better, having been painted whiter than an albino cave dweller, save for her black eyebrows and makeup. Both appear to have been costumed on some kind of dare.
The exact reason why the Red Queen must be overthrown isn’t clear; the White Queen seems to run an equal-sized kingdom, and the Red Queen’s biggest atrocities involve whacking people who stupidly choose to hang out with her and not the White Queen. The reason Alice must be the one to wield the infamous vorpal sword and slay the dragon is also unknown, as pretty much anyone in the film of appropriate size with opposable thumbs could carry the weapon and do the same thing. A fantasy film without fantasy, an ode to imagination without imagination, this is box office moviemaking at its most unabashed.
Burton’s fall from grace has been precipitous, as his last truly original endeavor was 1996’s Mars Attacks. On the other hand, Depp needs some kind of Burton-addiction intervention to save his talent; Bonham Carter is forced to participate because she’s married to Burton, Depp has no such excuse. Compounding the sadness is the fact that the director has developed an inexplicably loyal following based on previous success. If his fans follow onward from this point, they must no longer be pitied.
To be sure, Alice in Wonderland will make boatloads of money, as it has been carefully designed to exploit all key demographics; it is such a thing as dreams of Hot Topics purchases are made of. What it isn’t, what it isn’t even approaching, is good.
You know, when you don't get a day off for something like 18 days, they all just kind of blend into one big long day. What I'm trying to say is, I no longer know if this is a NEW Thursday or the same Thursday I just finished. Who's to say? What matters is not the uniqueness of this day, what matters is that it is the day upon which I give the world my junk. Obviously, by junk I mean tiny nuggets of movie news that don't warrant a full blog post, but I will admit that the word was carefully chosen so as to evoke the most titillating responses. I was going to go with Ryan's Juicy Nuggets or Ryan's Tender Tidbits, but those didn't sound nearly as suggestive as me being able to make junk jokes. As is our special tradition, we also begin by looking at an item contained within the creepy-ass junk drawer illustration above (from Highlights Magazine...FOR CHILDREN) and making up a totally whacked-out back story about it. Today's item is the green and red object in the lower right corner. Zacharias was never the most observant guy, but even he would feel foolish later when he realized that alien life had been living in his junk drawer for the past 17 years. He had wondered aloud quite often why the drawer seemed to squeal "Gleepglorp" every time he pulled it open to hunt for a battery but had never taken the time to notice the sole remaining survivor of the planet Spleckton's destruction cowering in the corner. Oh well, intergalactic life isn't as important as finding the Duracel that can power up the remote.
Now, on to this week's juicy nuggets...er, tender tidbits...er, EVERYBODY LOOK AT MY JUNK.
1.) I will diligently cover EVERY Rachel McAdams story...EVERY ONE EVER: Although he experienced a little surge recently (that sounds dirtier than I meant it to), I don't really have a deep abiding love for the recent Woody Allen. Oh, he got Scarlett Johansson to roll around semi-nude, which I appreciate (and, fine, the movie was pretty damn good too), but for the most part he just keeps making movies like a mediocre movie machine. Also, it is increasingly apparent that there's some kind of celebrity game that you can't win without appearing in an Allen film (my theory: Allen is the center square in celebrity career bingo). Case in point, THR is reporting that Rachel McAdams is joining the cast of Woody Allen's latest, which already features Owen Wilson and Marion Cotillard. You know, because you've been waiting to see Wilson and Cotillard share the screen since...never. So on the one hand, this news gives me the excuse to do this: On the other hand, we're talking about Owen Wilson opposite two incredibly talented, lovely ladies. How does this keep happening? Damn you, Wilson. Damn you to hell. The Allen film is untitled at this point so it's being called "Untitled Woody Allen Project" and not "Untitled Ryan Syrek Project" like I asked. It is described as a romantic drama, as opposed to the Woody Allen written and directed torture horror movie or sci-fi action project you expected. Plan on a lot of talking and neuroses. Woody Allen: Making movies that college students think rule for 40 years.
2.) Wolverine 2 is happening. Gird your loins: There's no easy way to say this, but they've finished the X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2 script and they're going to start filming in January. Hopefully, they realize that they don't need the "X-Men Origins" part. Actually, what the hell am I saying, if I'm hoping, I'm hoping that they realize they don't need to make this movie at all. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine was AWESOME in X-Men 2. As for the other movies, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine was AWESOME in X-Men 2. I'm over it. We're all over it. I don't advocate starting over with some kind of reboot, but Wolvie works better with others in my opinion and this current film, which will rape the memory of the Frank Miller-penned "Wolverine as a ninja" storyline, is poised to either shoe-horn in mutants who don't belong (a la the brutal, brutal use of Gambit and Deadpool in the last Wolvie movie) or leave just Wolverine and a bunch of ninjas. Now, that last one sounds cool, but this is a FOX project, which means the writers are likely to get notes like "can these ninjas be less ninja-y? Can they not wear masks or use swords? What if the ninjas were actually all vampires? Sexy teen vampires?!" Nobody is excited for Wolverine 2. You would think that would stop a studio from spending $150 million dollars, but it won't.
3.) Hurt Locker producer put in the...well, that's just too easy: The Oscars are this weekend, and I'm excited as shit. I downloaded not one but TWO apps on my iTouch to make predictions and do other totally nerdy things. I love it unabashedly because I realize that (A) this is not about honoring the actual best film of the year, something that's impossible to do because me and my best friend can't agree on what that movie is so why we blame the Oscars for not getting it right is beyond me and (B) I like guessing who will win and watching people have emotional moments on stage. It's kind of a thing for me. Anyway, one person who will not be watching in person is Nicholas Chartier, because his ass got tossed out of the ceremony like the drunk girl dancin' on tables with her booby out gets tossed out of an Applebees. See, Chartier sent emails begging for votes, which is okay, but specified he wanted people to vote for The Hurt Locker and not "a $500 million" movie, which was obviously targeting Avatar. Now, as Nikki "Douchie Douchie" Finke points out, a TON of people do this. Chartier just got caught. He was turned in, likely by one of the people FROM his film, because apparently he caused some tension on the set. Whatever. I think this sucks. You let people spend millions taking out ads that say VOTE FOR ME but a guy sends an email and he gets kicked out? Maybe if he offered a blowie to people who voted for him, but not for asking for votes. Stupid. Combine this with the sudden and surprising bad press for the film (military people saying it "isn't realistic" and someone threatening to sue because the film was based on them) that just HAPPENED to come out right when votes were due, and you get me staring at Harvey Weinstein. I know popular theory is that James Cameron and his Avatar posse are the likely conspirators trying to bring down the front runners in order to win, but that's not true. I honestly believe that an egomaniac like Cameron both thinks (A) he's above the award and (B) that he's probably going to win already. Hell, he was the one saying "go ahead and give the director trophy to Katherine" like HE gets to decide it. No, the real person behind this is OBVIOUSLY Weinstein, who has waged campaigns like this before. His thought is that if The Hurt Locker is taken down a peg and people think Avatar is behind it that Inglourious Basterds may squeeze through. This sounds crazy, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. See, the Oscars are crazy fun, right?
4.) Tim Burton branches out!: Ha! Wouldn't that be hilarious?! Wouldn't it be great if he actually DID branch out? Like, he adapted a courtroom drama or a sci-fi movie or something? No, he's not going to do anything like that. He and Timur Bekmambetov are going to team up to adapt Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which is so boringly appropriate for Burton that I can't stand it. He's going to cast Johnny Depp as Lincoln, you just know it, and despite the book sounding like a bit of wacky fun (it is by the peeps behind "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and follows the idea that Lincoln was...well, seriously, it's right there in the title), the movie is going to be the same old boring retread we've seen again and again and again from Burton. I would go on, but this video says everything I would say far funnier than I would say it.
5.) Trailers, parked: A few new ones this week, but nothing too exciting. First up is the next Disney flick, which combines classic and CGI animation to hit up a princess story I can't believe hasn't already been covered. Rapunzel is going to get her big-screen showcase, finally, and I can't help thinking this is going to pale in comparison to the lively, fun, and inspiring Princess and the Frog, which I fully intend on owning. This first clip is just that, a tiny clip, but it gives a little about the movie's feel and you get to hear some voice acting, which is fine. Enjoy!
Tangled
The second movie looks a little more inspired. Despite starring people that I didn't think were making movies anymore for various reasons, The Jonses looks like it may have a little sass in the tank. Clever concept, interesting trailer, and some low-budget appeal has me thinking that I may actually be somewhat excited to check this out. I'm just as surprised as you are.
The Jonses
Okay, that's it for my junk this week. Stare good and hard at it. We'll be back tomorrow for a rousing end of the week hoopla!
Two stories I feel like we've heard 100000 times before
Tim Burton is directing a gothic fairy tale, and George Lucas wants to tinker more with Star Wars by re-releasing them in 3D. I feel like those things (which Slashfilm covered quite well this fine morn) don't really require a whole lot of discussion, as we've heard something similar so many times before. Oh, I'm going to discuss them, because that's what I do, yo. I just don't like it. Le sigh. Okay, first up is Burton doing Maleficent, which is a movie that focuses on the giant dragon-transforming villainess from Sleeping Beauty. I'm in the minority among my friends, but I think Tim Burton needs a career intervention. Seriously, the cat's been doing the SAME MOVIE for like 2 decades now. Say what you will about how God awful that Superman movie would have been, I want to have seen it. It looked like a blissfully weird failure. I think that what he needs to do is something like that, not retelling the story of a well-known witch like Maleficent, but something like adapting a well-known novel or comic that doesn't fit his traditional mold. I like Burton's stuff, as almost everybody does. I just think he was so burned by the studio on Planet of the Apes that he retreated within this shell of familiarity. Speaking of shell of familiarity, the less said about Lucas returning to films he's already made the better. I feel about this the exact same way I do about the classless douche Brett Favre throwing that unnecessary touchdown in the Dallas game on Sunday. What do I mean? Well, Favre (and Lucas) certainly have THE RIGHT to do what they're doing. Favre plays in the NFL (Lucas plays with Industrial Lights and Magic studios and has more money than God), so he has every right professionally to assume that the other team should be able to stop him (Lucas can argue "We don't have to see the new tinkered-with Star Wars if we don't want to). But why do it? Why (in either case) do something that only potentially tarnishes what other people are excited about? Because you're a douche (both of them). That's the only reason. Because you are so inherently douchey that you can't undouche yourself for even a minute. You want to achieve non-douche status George Lucas (it's too late for Favre)? Let someone else make new Star Wars movies that are good. It's that easy.
Reese Witherspoon and I shared a moment whether she remembers or not
The year: 1998(ish). The place: Barnes and Noble at Omaha's Crossroads Mall. The scene: A young blond (this one)
is inconspicuously walking through the store, with large sunglasses and her head down. Unfortunately for her, I was one of the seven people in the world who had watched the movie Freeway, a retelling of Little Red Riding Hood, set in a trailer park world with a serial killer (played by Kiefer "Hide yer Christmas trees" Sutherland) terrorizing a girl who very much looks like said blond above. In that second, I realize "Great ga-shmoigity! That IS the girl from Freeway! THAT'S REESE WITHERSPOON!" She was a star on the rise! She starred against friggin' Marky Mark in the perpetually-playing-on-cable-TV-nonclassic Fear! I HAD JUST SEEN ALL OF HER GOODIES IN THE PAUL NEWMAN MOVIE TWILIGHT (no, not that version of Twilight, although, for the record, reanimating Newman's corpse is the only way to get me interested). What could I do?! What SHOULD I do? I did what everyone in the world would have wanted, NAY demanded if they knew me at all. I walked away without saying a word. Fastforward five minutes, I'm taking out some trash at the behest of my boss...when I pretty much run directly into her. Yowza. What do I say, trash in hand, stupidity ready to flow? "I loved you in Freeway." Her response, "Thanks." Not "Oh my God, did you really just compliment me on a role where I played a crazy white-trash version of Little Red Riding Hood, where I curse like a sailor? In a film that all but went straight-to-video?!" Just "thanks." That, ladies and gentlemen, is why Reese Witherspoon is a classy lady. She told the garbage-totin', barely coherent, Freeway watchin' yokel, "thanks."
Oh, yeah, what was my point...Oh, Variety is reporting that Leonardo DiCaprio's production company is pursuing a "gothic" version of Little Red Riding Hood that keeps the creepy ending and whatnot. It will likely feature some shitty CGI wolf and a score by Danny Elfman. Let's start the Tim Burton rumors right now. Hell, Depp would be perfect as Little Red Riding Hood. No matter what they do, they won't come close to matching the twisted perfection of this (NSFW if your boss can hear your speakers):
