Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"
Dateline: Omaha, Nebraska. This formerly peaceful city is gripped with a phenomenon known only as "Snow Madness." The beleaguered citizens, having been trapped beneath a deadly blanket of white powder totaling 57 inches for approximately 6 months, had been enjoying an early spring thaw before terror struck in the form of wet flakes from hell. Left with no other choice, the denizens of Snowmaha have taken to Facebook to post such things as "F**k you, winter" and "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW," a move intended to show the magician who lives in the clouds how grumpy they are in order to prevent him from producing more precipitation. Your move weather wizard. Your move.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, welcome to your weekly peek at my junk. And by my junk, I mean movie tidbits that aren't quite big enough to warrant their own post but that I refer to as "my junk" so I get cheap jokes out of it. It's a special Thursday tradition that begins with us taking a look at the above creepy-weird image from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN), picking an innocent-enough looking object from that image, and making up a wacky story about it. Today's object is the creepy braid of hair in the upper left corner. After watching the first Star Wars prequel, some people did nothing. Other people chose to take to the internet and conversations making fun of how terrible it was. Jerry decided that wasn't enough. Armed with only his R2D2 pen knife and a vintage 1981 Return of the Jedi pillowcase, Jerry abducted child star-turned beloved sci-fi series ruiner Jake Lloyd. Lloyd has been living in the cabinet underneath Jerry's junk drawer for the last decade, with only his "Jedi braid" visible from above. Jerry promises to let Lloyd out as soon as he gets over his disappointment. Lloyd is still waiting.

Okay, that's a hell of a preamble today, let's get to my junk already!

1.) Da Vinci to get even with teenage mutant ninja counterpart - You know how they made The Da Vinci code, but didn't choose to make Leonardo Da Vinci the bad ass lead action hero? You know how for the last few decades the toughest Leonardo has been the animated mutant ninja turtle (sorry, DiCaprio, but you were in "Growing Pains")? Well all that shit is about to change, fools. See, according to Heat Vision, the actual historical Leonardo Da Vinci is going to be transformed into the action star of a new movie that is being described as a blend between National Treasure, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Clash of the Titans. Yes, that's right, HISTORICAL FIGURE Leonardo Da Vinci is being repurposed into an action hero. With Abraham Lincoln being turned into a vampire hunter and now this, you have to wonder WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO DO IN LIFE TO GET MOVIES MADE ABOUT SHIT YOU ACTUALLY DID? One of these guys ENDED SLAVERY and saved the entire United States and the other created some of the most lasting works of art and inventions mankind has ever known...but somehow we still would like them better if they carried swords and stuff. Hey, thanks for redefining what mankind is capable of, now excuse me while I conceive of you as a ninja. Silliness abounds. Oh, and now, because it's somewhat related, here's a picture of an actual Nike shoe dedicated to Leonardo the mutant ninja turtle (I dropped the teenage part because I think he's my age now). I know someone who will want to buy this.

2.) King Arthur as a drug-addled crime lord? - Having gotten a taste of mainstream popularity with Sherlock Holmes, Guy Ritchie is apparently not willing to go back to cult-hit gangster movies. Oh, sure, he managed to work in a few drug themes and thinly veiled homosexual themes into his action movie, but Ritchie is ready to take another step away from where he's been buttering his bread....sorry, he's incredibly British, what do they call bread over there? I'm going to go with crumpet. He's varying from where his crumpet has been powdered (they say that, right?) by agreeing to direct a remake of Excalibur. Actually, that's a stupid sentence. You don't really REMAKE Excalibur so much as you just make ANOTHER damn King Arthur movie. I actually should bench my cynicism here, because I love me a good King Arthur movie. I just haven't had one in awhile (remember the one where Kiera Knightley played some midriff-bearing, savage version of Guinevere? Seriously, what the crap was up with that?). Well, Variety is reporting that John Hodge will rewrite the Warren Ellis draft, which is too bad, because Warren Ellis (the comic writer, not the musician) is pretty insane. His twitter feed is full of great observations like calling a bushy beard a "hobo rape thicket" beard. Anyway, Hodge is the guy who wrote Trainspotting, so it isn't like the draft is going to necessarily get MORE normal. I'm going to file this under a tentative amount of excitement.

3.) Batman no mas - At this point, we're all gathered around Christopher Nolan's house like it was the Vatican and we're waiting for some puff of smoke to come out the chimney that tells us something about either Superman or Batman 3. Nolan told someone, I no longer remember who, that some of the things we heard are true and some are total rubbish (see, that's a British word, right?) regarding the Super-reboot and the Bat-sequel. He claims that "they know the approach" to take on Superman, which I can only conclude involves de-powering him and having him become a gay porn star, and that Batman 3 will "be the last" in this current series, which I can only assume means Batman is fed into a wood chipper. Look, this is a bit of good news, with the knowledge of things ending comes a bit more freedom to wrap things up. He won't KILL Batman, but it does allow them to do something slightly more definitive with the character. His comments about "taking a new angle to the story" that "nobody would expect" gives me the false hope that he is at least CONSIDERING doing The Dark Knight Returns. I know he won't, but God would it be awesome. It would give him a way to bring the Joker back, since the story takes place in the near future, and I know that Christian Bale is willing to do anything to himself physically for a role. I bet he'd age a few extra years if asked. Sorry this isn't a lot of info, but it's what we have.

4.) John Krasinski may have to console himself with touching Jenna Fischer - Earlier this week, everyone was tripping over themselves to declare John Krasinski the winner of the Captain America sweepstakes. With the other actors who had been short listed publicly announcing they had been cut down like a Nazi beneath Cap's shield, it left Johnny K as the winner...and the guys at Latinoreview posted an exclusive image of him in full costume.
Thankfully, by this point in the week, we know that Krasinski ISN'T necessarily the new cap, with Mike Fleming at Deadline saying Garret Hedlund, Mike Vogel, and Chris Evans are now the frontrunners. The first guy is in the new Tron but looks to be fairly weak in that role. I couldn't pick the second guy out of a lineup, but I don't need to. Captain America should be Chris Evans. Underrated at almost every turn, Evans is a natural talent and totally looks the part. He's a nerd, having flocked to sci-fi and comic properties, and damn near made the first Fantastic Four somewhat watchable based solely on his charisma. If I were Marvel, I would look no further. To my friends (specifically Matt) who love this character, start proclaiming your love for Evans. We need this guy carrying the shield.

5.) Trailers, parked - Two gems and a turd for you this week. Sadly, the turd is what will get me the most traffic. Let's put that in the middle though, so it's more of a turd sandwich.

Robin Hood is brought to you by the people who did Gladiator. You know that because it looks just like Gladiator. That said, I don't really care. It's got kick-ass action, a lot of angry screaming, arrows and stuff, and most importantly Cate Blanchett, who is nearly done transforming into a full-on goddess. Seriously, she doesn't age, she evolves into a deity. Watch the trailer and get ready to plunk down some cash for some good ole arrows-and-sword clashing.



Twilight: Eclipse is happening whether I want it to or not. It was a blissful month or two that we had off, barely discussing the suckiest suck series of all sucktime. Here is a trailer full of pasty people and shirtless people saying and doing dumb things. I shant discuss it further until such time as is absolutely necessary.


Suck is my counterpoint to what just happened to you if you clicked play above. Proving that although vampires are now more tired than the GOP argument against health care, you CAN infuse life in them if you come at it from a unique angle. Like, say, you set vampires in a story about a struggling rock band and add in cameos by Iggy Pop, Alice Cooper, and Moby. This potential cult hit looks too fun to pass up. It probably will only arrive on DVD, but I'll be waiting.




That's all for my epic junk this week! Come back tomorrow as I'm giddy with stupid joy over the prospect of having a weekend that I don't have to do stuff.

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