Ryan's Junk Drawer

Every birthday holds within it something different. For example, this morning I woke up to the nauseating smell of polyurethane floor sealer (we're finishing the hardwood floors), the discovery that a critter had gotten into the outside trash, news that someone at my job had failed to check in properly and thus we had both spent the entire last week duplicating work, and the following two comments from readers of this here blog: Regarding my scoop on the villain of Green Lantern, I was told "You received an email regarding highly sought after information that if any other entertainment news outlet received would have made BIG headlines, and it's supposedly legit? Really? No offense (nah, I take that back) but that's a load of crap. I'm a member of the Warner Bros Press site and receive all of their official press releases. This is not one of them" and by a different fellow who was much more to the point, "Yeah right. That "official synopsis" looks like it was written by a 12 year old." But you know what I did? Stood outside until the nausea passed, double bagged my spilled trash, confirmed with my job that it wasn't my fault for the duplication, and responded to the naysayers with a completely honest response. I told them, "Hey, I wouldn't believe me either!" and offered to forward them the email I received so they could judge for themselves (it is, by the by, totally 100% legit). Point is, at my age, you make your own birthday joy. Nobody's passing out cupcakes in your honor.

Okay, so on to why we're here (well, why you're here...I'm here because my parents did it 32 years and 9 months ago). It's not only my birthday, it's a Junk Drawer day. And since I only do Junk Drawer on Thursdays, this convergence of special events only happens once every 150 years!!!! What's that? I'm being told that is not accurate. But what better way to celebrate my arrival on this planet than by showing the world my junk. As you know, by junk I mean movie news too small to warrant its own individual post and not "what my momma gave me." We always begin by looking at the creepy image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and selecting one of the items about which I write something nonsensical but hilarious (to me). Today's item is the knob on the drawer. When Ethyl first bought the house, she noticed something was different about it. The whole thing felt...alive! When she moved in, she started noticing something about the windows that peered out from the front and the way the door was centered in the middle, almost smiling. It wasn't until she noticed that the junk drawer handle seemed to get firmer when she touched it that she realized that the whole thing was....ALIVE!!!! As it turns out, whenever Ethyl needed twine or other junk and grabbed that handle, she was tweaking the house's nipples.

Yeah, I just wrote a fake story about house nipples. Why is it people won't buy my "breaking news" again? At any rate, here's the tidbits worth mentioning this week.

1.) Atlas WILL shrug, DAMMIT! - They're shooting Atlas Shrugged on June 11. Producer John Aglialoro has set that start date hard in stone, according to Deadline. Just one problem...he doesn't have a cast...like, at all. Although he's claiming that he's trying to get Maggie Gyllenhaal and all of her double letters to join in or to sway Charlize Theron (who I kind of like now after her "Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis" segment) to sign on for the lead. I sure hope they have some time in their schedule RIGHT NOW! Slashfilm.com points out that independent films work this way all the time. Except, this isn't some tiny production. Aglialoro paid a million buckaroos (dollars, not bonzais) for the rights. I admire his moxie, the cut of his jib if you will, but I somehow doubt that this will happen. Funny story, when I first started the column Cutting Room in the paper copy of the Reader, someone took the time to type in a story I wrote about Angelina Jolie's then involvement with Atlas Shrugged. It was on some weird Ayn Rand fan site, where my name remains to this day. I was kind of honored, but also kind of freaked out. So, crazy devotees of Rand and her really morose and dense book, please don't stab voodoo dolls of me or whatever witchcraft it is you do if this latest project doesn't happen. Deal? And before you accuse me of being insensitive to the Randians, tell me how creepy the gold dude is that's on the cover of their shit.
He's coming for me. Look how angry he seems...and I don't even want to know what kind of "Dr. Manhattan" show of horrors will occur if he turns and faces me.

2.) Losties, get ready for something gooooooood - By this point, you've either seen the finale or you are a spoiler-avoiding ninja. Get ready for a "sick dodge" on this one: In addition to the news that Walt will, in fact, make an appearance in the extra footage shot for the Season 6 DVD, I have more news...news so good you won't believe me. Remember the awesome exchange between Ben and Hurley in the sideways world about how Ben was a "great number two" and Hurley was "a great number one." They shot it. Yeah, you heard me. They shot it. At least 12-14 minutes of it. So, we may be getting answers to questions like Walt AND a glimpse of "Afterlost" (as someone smarter than me dubbed it) that follows Ben and Hurley for awhile. I'm in heaven. Well, they are, but you get what I'm saying. How great is that?! I love that the producers are embracing the mediums that are offered to them. Why NOT include extra stuff on DVD? If the problem really was that you were constrained by the limits of airtime from ABC, then enjoy the unlimited restrictions of home video. I officially can't wait until August. The island is never done with me, is it? It's after the finale and I'm once more waiting for more "Lost."

3.) The shortlist for Spidey is 100% Effron- and Twilight-free - I'm not going to get too excited about this, on account of how stupid a new origin story is and all, but THR's list of the people Sony has on the shortlist for Peter Parker is more encouraging than I thought. Whereas I was sure this was going to be cast out of the last issue of "Tiger Beat" (they still make that, right? If not, it was a magazine that had young male hunks in it for teenaged girls to swoon over and not a feline soft core porn mag), it looks like they really like limeys. Jamie Bell, Andrew Garfield, Alden Ehrenreich, Frank Dillane, and Josh Hutcherson. Now, I know what you're thinking...THE Alden Ehrenreich? Oh yes. That's right, Tetro's Alden Ehrenreich. Household name? Nope. Hearthrob? I doubt it. Last name sounds like a final maneuver in Hitler's army? Oh yes. I don't know jack squat about these guys, all of whom have some level of experience but not much. My money is, like everyone's, on Hutcherson, who has actually done big-budget movies before (Zathura, Journey to the Center of the Earth). Feel free to IMDB these suckers and see what you think. I would do it but I'm afraid if I type in Garfield and Bell, I'll get some joke about Odie's tongue.

4.) Run, Logan, Run!! - THR.com's Heat Vision is reporting that Carl Rinsch, who did that excellent short film a few weeks back and just-so-happens to be Ridley Scott's son-in-law, just landed the director's seat for the remake of Logan's Run. This project has more starts and fits than an epileptic in rush hour traffic. I won't walk you through the entire directorial shuffle that has taken place to this point, but let's just say that Rinsch is likely going to be replaced by the time I finish typing this if the past is any indicator. For those who don't remember, Logan's Run is about a society in which people who pass a certain age are killed. It's sort of like what Sarah Palin said the heath care reform was like, only more realistic. As for who will play the lead character, a man who once hunted down those who refused to accept their termination but is now running himself, it will likely be someone young. I say the official shortlist should be whoever doesn't get Peter Parker. So if you don't wind up playing Spider-man, you may play Logan. Wow, now that's a nerd joke.

5.) Trailers, parked - I have but one rule: If you put Rachel McAdams in it, I will go to there. Period. Even though you may cast her in some generic-looking romantic comedy with Diane Keaton, I will go to there. If you title it something stupid and wholesome-sounding, I will go to there. If you poke Harrison Ford with a stick until he angrily wakes up and include him in that movie, I will go to there. There is nothing I won't do for a little McAdams. Plus, it doesn't hurt that Morning Glory (groan) is somehow a Bad Robot production. It does hurt that the writer also wrote 27 Dresses. Still, I'm seeing it for the love of a woman.


Next up is The Killer Inside Me, which stars Casey Affleck (totally underrated dude) as a bad, bad man. The film noir tale was blasted for its horrifying misogynistic violence, although I heard a defense of it that was pretty compelling. Basically, the director said that when violence against women is glossy and not totally vomit-inducing, THAT is the disservice. I'm not sure if I buy it. Further complicating matters, the violence is against Jessica Alba, who cinematically deserves whatever happens to her. Judge for yourself whether this is something you can handle.



Finally, even though it's my birthday, here's the new Twilight: Eclipse trailer.

Now, if someone could just tell me why the wolves from The Day After Tomorrow are so pissed at those pale gymnasts dressed in black, I think I could totally get on board. Also, I believe the film looks like it was shot in Alaska, so I am going to blame Palin for this one too.

Okay, that's it for a birthday edition of my Junk Drawer. I'll be back tomorrow for a Friday that should launch us straight into Memorial Day weekend! Huzzah for 3-day weekends, right?!

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Somehow we managed to once more stave off the apocalypse and reach Thursday. You may be thinking, "But Ryan, Thursday isn't Friday, and everybody knows Fridays are the best. There's no restaurant called 'Thank God It's Thursday (TGIT).' What's so special about Thursdays, doofus?" Well, for starters, I think TGIT sounds dirty, so you're a pervert. Second, Thursdays have the highest number of quality TV shows. As evident by this:

Third, it's the day you get to see my junk. Oh yeah, that's right baby. You get to see all of my junk. And of course by junk I mean movie tidbits that didn't warrant their own post (again, what were you thinking, pervert?). Before we peek in MY junk drawer, we always begin by taking a look at the creepy-ass illustration of the junk drawer above (taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN) and pick one item from said image to make up a backstory about. Today's item is the pink square in the upper left corner between the thread and the coin. Magdelena's husband, a total asshole, had collected stamps his whole life. In fact, it was the only thing he enjoyed doing besides acting like a total dillweed. When he wasn't singing karaoke Miley Cyrus songs, watching Twilight movies, or misusing the word literally, this douchebag loved nothing more than finding certain stamps. Too sweet to ever directly confront her clownshoes husband, Magdelena did the only thing she could do: She spent her life savings and purchased the rarest stamp in all of creation, the 1920s-era "Why would we worry, everything is going to be great economically forever" stamp. She then took the only stamp her husband needed to finish his collection and hid it in her junk drawer. One day...one day soon, she will present it in front of him, and use it to send in her fan letter to Boy George. Suck on that, tool!

Okay, enough of the nonsense, let's get to the amusing and entertaining junk!

1.) If the muppets make something, I post it - Of the few dictums that guide my life, this one is the easiest: I'm going to watch whatever the muppets do and probably try to force you to do the same. It's the reason God put me on this earth. We have two muppety nuggets of goodness this week, both are related to the phenomenal "Bohemian Rhapsody" cover my fuzzy, permanently sodomized friends did a few months back. The first video is Animal calling his "mama" to let her know that their video got a Webby nomination. Webbys are like Emmys, only nobody cares about them. So....they're exactly like Emmys.


This second video is the actual Bohemian Rhapsody cover...with Kermit's commentary. If you thought it couldn't get better, you were wrong.

Expect my nonstop muppet love to only increase as their next feature film gets closer to reality. You've been warned.

2.) The only Twilight movie that interests me gets a director - As we've discussed here many times, even wretched things can have some interesting facet. From the creepy guy who sits in the back of class mumbling what sounds like demonic incantations (but who does really great drawings of puppies) to the girl whose laugh sounds like she ingested a water buffalo (but can rebuild a car engine with her eyes closed inside of five seconds), there can be a nugget of wonderful in everyone and everything. What I'm saying is, I'm going to get excited for Breaking Dawn, the final movie (or movies, nobody is clear on that yet) of the Twilight torture. Again, this is not because it's going to be good. It can't be. It's because I cannot wait to see how they're going to do some of the hallucinogenic, batshit insane sequences that I'm told are in the book on the big screen. The best part is, most of these wacky shenanigans are tied directly to huge plot events, so you can't really not do them. Seriously people, if these things are weird enough to make me WANT to see one of these godforsaken movies, you know they have to be WEEEEEIIIIIRRRRD. The news is this: According to EW, Bill Condon is going to direct Breaking Dawn. Condon did Dreamgirls (meh) and Gods and Monsters (YAY!) and is generally seen as a good director that people respect. Sorry, he WAS generally seen as a good director that people respect. Now he's the guy who sold out for Twilight. Don't let that get you down, Bill! You just get to making the craziest thing that I've ever heard presented to teenagers!

3.) Magic 8-Ball finally gets its day in the sun - The craze over boardgames-turned-movies defies logic and good taste. And it's only getting worse. Battleship, Ouija, and Monopoly are all happening, really happening. Over at Vulture, the news gets worse: The Magic 8-Ball is going to get a movie. There is literally no way in which this can be made into something entertaining. I don't care if you resurrect Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kubrick to team up with one another. Okay, I care and would totally watch that, but those guys are dead and you're no necromancer. Thus, the chances of this being anything other than a crime against humanity are slight at best. You know what I'd do? I'd make this Sandra Bullock's comeback project. It seems like she was following its advice anyway when she chose to marry the homophobic neo-nazi who bangs bags of silicon with people attached to them. Plus, I'm pretty sure her manager has been a Magic 8 Ball this whole time. It just got lucky with The Blind Side.

4.) The best team up since Spider-man/Man-thing - Vulture has some better news though. They say that JJ Abrams is teaming up with Steven Spielberg. Wow. That's really crazy good news! Abrams is primed to be the Spielberg of this generation, I feel, delivering mass crowd pleasers with true skill and heart. Supposedly, Abrams is teasing that his new secret project is going to be a collaboration with Spielberg and is very reminiscent of Stevie's projects from the 80s and 90s (please don't mean Hook, please don't mean Hook). Someone has also described it as "the anti-Avatar," which I can only assume means it will have an original script and not be directed by someone who is investing vast resources in cloning himself for the purposes of making out with it. More on this exciting movie pairing as it becomes available.

5.) Trailers, parked - We've got horses, horror, and horrible acting this week. Wowza!

First up is Secretariat, a movie my wife wants to see so bad she was almost late for work watching this. It's basically Seabiscuit 2, but I'm good with that. What? I like feel-good stories, and John Malkovich is in it.



If campy is more your thing, check out Piranha 3D. The franchise gave birth to Jim Cameron, and this somehow feels kind of fun. I'm sure it's going to fall short of the entertainment it could provide, but if it gets close, I'm going to love it.


Finally, it must be done: Here's the Twilight Eclipse trailer. Mind you, they can't show you all of the film BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL DOING RESHOOTS. That's not a good sign. Then again, what did y'all expect. It's more of the same. Again, all of this only serves to set up the insanity of the final chapter. You have no idea.


That's my junk for this week. Back atcha tomorrow for Friday, yo.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Dateline: Omaha, Nebraska. This formerly peaceful city is gripped with a phenomenon known only as "Snow Madness." The beleaguered citizens, having been trapped beneath a deadly blanket of white powder totaling 57 inches for approximately 6 months, had been enjoying an early spring thaw before terror struck in the form of wet flakes from hell. Left with no other choice, the denizens of Snowmaha have taken to Facebook to post such things as "F**k you, winter" and "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW," a move intended to show the magician who lives in the clouds how grumpy they are in order to prevent him from producing more precipitation. Your move weather wizard. Your move.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, welcome to your weekly peek at my junk. And by my junk, I mean movie tidbits that aren't quite big enough to warrant their own post but that I refer to as "my junk" so I get cheap jokes out of it. It's a special Thursday tradition that begins with us taking a look at the above creepy-weird image from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN), picking an innocent-enough looking object from that image, and making up a wacky story about it. Today's object is the creepy braid of hair in the upper left corner. After watching the first Star Wars prequel, some people did nothing. Other people chose to take to the internet and conversations making fun of how terrible it was. Jerry decided that wasn't enough. Armed with only his R2D2 pen knife and a vintage 1981 Return of the Jedi pillowcase, Jerry abducted child star-turned beloved sci-fi series ruiner Jake Lloyd. Lloyd has been living in the cabinet underneath Jerry's junk drawer for the last decade, with only his "Jedi braid" visible from above. Jerry promises to let Lloyd out as soon as he gets over his disappointment. Lloyd is still waiting.

Okay, that's a hell of a preamble today, let's get to my junk already!

1.) Da Vinci to get even with teenage mutant ninja counterpart - You know how they made The Da Vinci code, but didn't choose to make Leonardo Da Vinci the bad ass lead action hero? You know how for the last few decades the toughest Leonardo has been the animated mutant ninja turtle (sorry, DiCaprio, but you were in "Growing Pains")? Well all that shit is about to change, fools. See, according to Heat Vision, the actual historical Leonardo Da Vinci is going to be transformed into the action star of a new movie that is being described as a blend between National Treasure, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Clash of the Titans. Yes, that's right, HISTORICAL FIGURE Leonardo Da Vinci is being repurposed into an action hero. With Abraham Lincoln being turned into a vampire hunter and now this, you have to wonder WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO DO IN LIFE TO GET MOVIES MADE ABOUT SHIT YOU ACTUALLY DID? One of these guys ENDED SLAVERY and saved the entire United States and the other created some of the most lasting works of art and inventions mankind has ever known...but somehow we still would like them better if they carried swords and stuff. Hey, thanks for redefining what mankind is capable of, now excuse me while I conceive of you as a ninja. Silliness abounds. Oh, and now, because it's somewhat related, here's a picture of an actual Nike shoe dedicated to Leonardo the mutant ninja turtle (I dropped the teenage part because I think he's my age now). I know someone who will want to buy this.

2.) King Arthur as a drug-addled crime lord? - Having gotten a taste of mainstream popularity with Sherlock Holmes, Guy Ritchie is apparently not willing to go back to cult-hit gangster movies. Oh, sure, he managed to work in a few drug themes and thinly veiled homosexual themes into his action movie, but Ritchie is ready to take another step away from where he's been buttering his bread....sorry, he's incredibly British, what do they call bread over there? I'm going to go with crumpet. He's varying from where his crumpet has been powdered (they say that, right?) by agreeing to direct a remake of Excalibur. Actually, that's a stupid sentence. You don't really REMAKE Excalibur so much as you just make ANOTHER damn King Arthur movie. I actually should bench my cynicism here, because I love me a good King Arthur movie. I just haven't had one in awhile (remember the one where Kiera Knightley played some midriff-bearing, savage version of Guinevere? Seriously, what the crap was up with that?). Well, Variety is reporting that John Hodge will rewrite the Warren Ellis draft, which is too bad, because Warren Ellis (the comic writer, not the musician) is pretty insane. His twitter feed is full of great observations like calling a bushy beard a "hobo rape thicket" beard. Anyway, Hodge is the guy who wrote Trainspotting, so it isn't like the draft is going to necessarily get MORE normal. I'm going to file this under a tentative amount of excitement.

3.) Batman no mas - At this point, we're all gathered around Christopher Nolan's house like it was the Vatican and we're waiting for some puff of smoke to come out the chimney that tells us something about either Superman or Batman 3. Nolan told someone, I no longer remember who, that some of the things we heard are true and some are total rubbish (see, that's a British word, right?) regarding the Super-reboot and the Bat-sequel. He claims that "they know the approach" to take on Superman, which I can only conclude involves de-powering him and having him become a gay porn star, and that Batman 3 will "be the last" in this current series, which I can only assume means Batman is fed into a wood chipper. Look, this is a bit of good news, with the knowledge of things ending comes a bit more freedom to wrap things up. He won't KILL Batman, but it does allow them to do something slightly more definitive with the character. His comments about "taking a new angle to the story" that "nobody would expect" gives me the false hope that he is at least CONSIDERING doing The Dark Knight Returns. I know he won't, but God would it be awesome. It would give him a way to bring the Joker back, since the story takes place in the near future, and I know that Christian Bale is willing to do anything to himself physically for a role. I bet he'd age a few extra years if asked. Sorry this isn't a lot of info, but it's what we have.

4.) John Krasinski may have to console himself with touching Jenna Fischer - Earlier this week, everyone was tripping over themselves to declare John Krasinski the winner of the Captain America sweepstakes. With the other actors who had been short listed publicly announcing they had been cut down like a Nazi beneath Cap's shield, it left Johnny K as the winner...and the guys at Latinoreview posted an exclusive image of him in full costume.
Thankfully, by this point in the week, we know that Krasinski ISN'T necessarily the new cap, with Mike Fleming at Deadline saying Garret Hedlund, Mike Vogel, and Chris Evans are now the frontrunners. The first guy is in the new Tron but looks to be fairly weak in that role. I couldn't pick the second guy out of a lineup, but I don't need to. Captain America should be Chris Evans. Underrated at almost every turn, Evans is a natural talent and totally looks the part. He's a nerd, having flocked to sci-fi and comic properties, and damn near made the first Fantastic Four somewhat watchable based solely on his charisma. If I were Marvel, I would look no further. To my friends (specifically Matt) who love this character, start proclaiming your love for Evans. We need this guy carrying the shield.

5.) Trailers, parked - Two gems and a turd for you this week. Sadly, the turd is what will get me the most traffic. Let's put that in the middle though, so it's more of a turd sandwich.

Robin Hood is brought to you by the people who did Gladiator. You know that because it looks just like Gladiator. That said, I don't really care. It's got kick-ass action, a lot of angry screaming, arrows and stuff, and most importantly Cate Blanchett, who is nearly done transforming into a full-on goddess. Seriously, she doesn't age, she evolves into a deity. Watch the trailer and get ready to plunk down some cash for some good ole arrows-and-sword clashing.

Twilight: Eclipse is happening whether I want it to or not. It was a blissful month or two that we had off, barely discussing the suckiest suck series of all sucktime. Here is a trailer full of pasty people and shirtless people saying and doing dumb things. I shant discuss it further until such time as is absolutely necessary.


Suck is my counterpoint to what just happened to you if you clicked play above. Proving that although vampires are now more tired than the GOP argument against health care, you CAN infuse life in them if you come at it from a unique angle. Like, say, you set vampires in a story about a struggling rock band and add in cameos by Iggy Pop, Alice Cooper, and Moby. This potential cult hit looks too fun to pass up. It probably will only arrive on DVD, but I'll be waiting.




That's all for my epic junk this week! Come back tomorrow as I'm giddy with stupid joy over the prospect of having a weekend that I don't have to do stuff.