This much I know: I will NOT be Captain America

Oh, hi there. Call me old fashioned...okay, now I have to show "The State" clip. It's short.



Hi, I'm back. Where was I? Oh, yes. Call me old fashioned, but I believe that when you make a movie that largely centers around one character, you should have a good idea of what you're looking for in the actor to play that character sooner than a few weeks before shooting. Oh, and call me old fashioned, but I believe when you make a "short list" you shouldn't ADD actors to it. You should only cut the "short list" down to one. On both of these points, Marvel could not disagree more. When it comes to Captain America, Joe Johnston (the director) said that casting needed to be complete by March 1 (uh oh), that the main star wouldn't be that well known (uh oh), and that they were "narrowing things down" (uh oh). Well, it's March 16 and we've added several high-profile actors to the mix. List one was: John Krasinksi, Scott Porter, Mike Vogel, Michael Cassidy, Patrick Fleuger, Chace Crawford, and Garret Hedlund. Then we heard that all but Krasinski were cut. Then we heard that Vogel and Hedlund WEREN'T cut but that Krasinksi WAS cut. Then we heard that Chris Evans and Wilson Bethel were added to the list. Then Ryan Phillippe was added. Now, Channing Tatum was added. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I have no idea what a Channing Tatum is. So, as near as I can tell. The requirement to play Captain America consists of the ability to pee standing up. I am still reluctantly supporting Ryan Phillippe for this list, although now that they've widened things, I recommend considering Ryan Gosling, who is actually a good actor. The rest of the people on this ever-expanding list kind of suck or at least are totally underwhelming. Now, the second part of the news today is that they are putting out feelers for the female role of Peggy. If you're unfamiliar with the comic, Peggy is the person who is dating Steve Rogers when he becomes Captain America, and she then waves goodbye as he goes to war. Yes, her role is a rich, deep one, consisting of both crying when he says he wants to go to war and then waving when he does go to war. How can any one actress possibly live up to these standards? Clearly, what they're going to do over at Marvel is conduct some kind of exhaustive search based on talent and potential to mine the depth of character. Here are the three choices (so far):

Kiera Knightley
Alice Eve

Emily Blunt

Yes, three British women of suspect talent but inarguable hottitude are being sought to play a weepy American. I'm beginning to think this movie is being cast on some kind of dare or at the very least it's being done by drunks.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Dateline: Omaha, Nebraska. This formerly peaceful city is gripped with a phenomenon known only as "Snow Madness." The beleaguered citizens, having been trapped beneath a deadly blanket of white powder totaling 57 inches for approximately 6 months, had been enjoying an early spring thaw before terror struck in the form of wet flakes from hell. Left with no other choice, the denizens of Snowmaha have taken to Facebook to post such things as "F**k you, winter" and "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW," a move intended to show the magician who lives in the clouds how grumpy they are in order to prevent him from producing more precipitation. Your move weather wizard. Your move.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, welcome to your weekly peek at my junk. And by my junk, I mean movie tidbits that aren't quite big enough to warrant their own post but that I refer to as "my junk" so I get cheap jokes out of it. It's a special Thursday tradition that begins with us taking a look at the above creepy-weird image from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN), picking an innocent-enough looking object from that image, and making up a wacky story about it. Today's object is the creepy braid of hair in the upper left corner. After watching the first Star Wars prequel, some people did nothing. Other people chose to take to the internet and conversations making fun of how terrible it was. Jerry decided that wasn't enough. Armed with only his R2D2 pen knife and a vintage 1981 Return of the Jedi pillowcase, Jerry abducted child star-turned beloved sci-fi series ruiner Jake Lloyd. Lloyd has been living in the cabinet underneath Jerry's junk drawer for the last decade, with only his "Jedi braid" visible from above. Jerry promises to let Lloyd out as soon as he gets over his disappointment. Lloyd is still waiting.

Okay, that's a hell of a preamble today, let's get to my junk already!

1.) Da Vinci to get even with teenage mutant ninja counterpart - You know how they made The Da Vinci code, but didn't choose to make Leonardo Da Vinci the bad ass lead action hero? You know how for the last few decades the toughest Leonardo has been the animated mutant ninja turtle (sorry, DiCaprio, but you were in "Growing Pains")? Well all that shit is about to change, fools. See, according to Heat Vision, the actual historical Leonardo Da Vinci is going to be transformed into the action star of a new movie that is being described as a blend between National Treasure, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Clash of the Titans. Yes, that's right, HISTORICAL FIGURE Leonardo Da Vinci is being repurposed into an action hero. With Abraham Lincoln being turned into a vampire hunter and now this, you have to wonder WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO DO IN LIFE TO GET MOVIES MADE ABOUT SHIT YOU ACTUALLY DID? One of these guys ENDED SLAVERY and saved the entire United States and the other created some of the most lasting works of art and inventions mankind has ever known...but somehow we still would like them better if they carried swords and stuff. Hey, thanks for redefining what mankind is capable of, now excuse me while I conceive of you as a ninja. Silliness abounds. Oh, and now, because it's somewhat related, here's a picture of an actual Nike shoe dedicated to Leonardo the mutant ninja turtle (I dropped the teenage part because I think he's my age now). I know someone who will want to buy this.

2.) King Arthur as a drug-addled crime lord? - Having gotten a taste of mainstream popularity with Sherlock Holmes, Guy Ritchie is apparently not willing to go back to cult-hit gangster movies. Oh, sure, he managed to work in a few drug themes and thinly veiled homosexual themes into his action movie, but Ritchie is ready to take another step away from where he's been buttering his bread....sorry, he's incredibly British, what do they call bread over there? I'm going to go with crumpet. He's varying from where his crumpet has been powdered (they say that, right?) by agreeing to direct a remake of Excalibur. Actually, that's a stupid sentence. You don't really REMAKE Excalibur so much as you just make ANOTHER damn King Arthur movie. I actually should bench my cynicism here, because I love me a good King Arthur movie. I just haven't had one in awhile (remember the one where Kiera Knightley played some midriff-bearing, savage version of Guinevere? Seriously, what the crap was up with that?). Well, Variety is reporting that John Hodge will rewrite the Warren Ellis draft, which is too bad, because Warren Ellis (the comic writer, not the musician) is pretty insane. His twitter feed is full of great observations like calling a bushy beard a "hobo rape thicket" beard. Anyway, Hodge is the guy who wrote Trainspotting, so it isn't like the draft is going to necessarily get MORE normal. I'm going to file this under a tentative amount of excitement.

3.) Batman no mas - At this point, we're all gathered around Christopher Nolan's house like it was the Vatican and we're waiting for some puff of smoke to come out the chimney that tells us something about either Superman or Batman 3. Nolan told someone, I no longer remember who, that some of the things we heard are true and some are total rubbish (see, that's a British word, right?) regarding the Super-reboot and the Bat-sequel. He claims that "they know the approach" to take on Superman, which I can only conclude involves de-powering him and having him become a gay porn star, and that Batman 3 will "be the last" in this current series, which I can only assume means Batman is fed into a wood chipper. Look, this is a bit of good news, with the knowledge of things ending comes a bit more freedom to wrap things up. He won't KILL Batman, but it does allow them to do something slightly more definitive with the character. His comments about "taking a new angle to the story" that "nobody would expect" gives me the false hope that he is at least CONSIDERING doing The Dark Knight Returns. I know he won't, but God would it be awesome. It would give him a way to bring the Joker back, since the story takes place in the near future, and I know that Christian Bale is willing to do anything to himself physically for a role. I bet he'd age a few extra years if asked. Sorry this isn't a lot of info, but it's what we have.

4.) John Krasinski may have to console himself with touching Jenna Fischer - Earlier this week, everyone was tripping over themselves to declare John Krasinski the winner of the Captain America sweepstakes. With the other actors who had been short listed publicly announcing they had been cut down like a Nazi beneath Cap's shield, it left Johnny K as the winner...and the guys at Latinoreview posted an exclusive image of him in full costume.
Thankfully, by this point in the week, we know that Krasinski ISN'T necessarily the new cap, with Mike Fleming at Deadline saying Garret Hedlund, Mike Vogel, and Chris Evans are now the frontrunners. The first guy is in the new Tron but looks to be fairly weak in that role. I couldn't pick the second guy out of a lineup, but I don't need to. Captain America should be Chris Evans. Underrated at almost every turn, Evans is a natural talent and totally looks the part. He's a nerd, having flocked to sci-fi and comic properties, and damn near made the first Fantastic Four somewhat watchable based solely on his charisma. If I were Marvel, I would look no further. To my friends (specifically Matt) who love this character, start proclaiming your love for Evans. We need this guy carrying the shield.

5.) Trailers, parked - Two gems and a turd for you this week. Sadly, the turd is what will get me the most traffic. Let's put that in the middle though, so it's more of a turd sandwich.

Robin Hood is brought to you by the people who did Gladiator. You know that because it looks just like Gladiator. That said, I don't really care. It's got kick-ass action, a lot of angry screaming, arrows and stuff, and most importantly Cate Blanchett, who is nearly done transforming into a full-on goddess. Seriously, she doesn't age, she evolves into a deity. Watch the trailer and get ready to plunk down some cash for some good ole arrows-and-sword clashing.

Twilight: Eclipse is happening whether I want it to or not. It was a blissful month or two that we had off, barely discussing the suckiest suck series of all sucktime. Here is a trailer full of pasty people and shirtless people saying and doing dumb things. I shant discuss it further until such time as is absolutely necessary.


Suck is my counterpoint to what just happened to you if you clicked play above. Proving that although vampires are now more tired than the GOP argument against health care, you CAN infuse life in them if you come at it from a unique angle. Like, say, you set vampires in a story about a struggling rock band and add in cameos by Iggy Pop, Alice Cooper, and Moby. This potential cult hit looks too fun to pass up. It probably will only arrive on DVD, but I'll be waiting.




That's all for my epic junk this week! Come back tomorrow as I'm giddy with stupid joy over the prospect of having a weekend that I don't have to do stuff.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Welcome one and all to that glorious time of the week during which I show the world my junk! And by my junk, I mean movie tidbits that I didn't turn into full blog posts and not my genitals because that would be (A) gross and (B) illegal. As is our special weekly tradition, let's take a second to make up a completely fabricated and creepy story about an item from the drawing of a junk drawer above that came from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN (I emphasize the children part because, seriously, look at that picture...you know that hand is attached to a body that's up to no good). Today's item is the fuzzy thread in the middle of the drawer. After years of inventing, Sammy finally completed the necessary logarithms and equations and EUREKA! Monkey dynamite. The hardest thing about the monkey dynamite is getting the fuse lit, what with all the fuzzy hair on it. But once you get it lit, the explosion that results is just bananas.

Okay, moving quickly on to this week's news nuggets!

1.) Two for the Zoo? - People I really like on the interwebs (like Slashfilm, Latinoreview, Chud, Darkhorizons) pretty much universally hate Nikki Finke. I can see why. She ignores other people's scoops and treats them like she was the one who first found them and seems, by all accounts and stories, to be kind of a douchenozzle. What sucks is, she keeps getting the scoops, because apparently people in Hollywood LOVE douchenozzles. This should come as great relief to a number of people I know, who should move to Hollywood ASAP. Anyway, Finke, Finke Douchenozzle, as she shall now be called, has learned that Iron Man 2 and Tropic Thunder screenwriter Justin Theroux is working with Ben Stiller on a script for Zoolander 2. This is good, because Zoolander is actually pretty damn funny. I know some people don't "get it," but any time male models are killed in a "tragic gasoline fight" and someone corrects Jon Voight by saying "MerMAN, dad, MerMAN," it's funny. Plus, Theroux wrote the line "never go full retard," which means he should be rich forever in my eyes, as it may be the funniest four word combination in recent history. Jonah Hill is supposedly in talks to play the bad guy, which actually is kind of just okay for me. I'm kind of growing tired of Hill and I hope he's ready to broaden (not literally, dude needs to lose some LBs pretty fast yo, he's beyond unhealthy) his horizons past his usual schtick. We don't need another Jack Black on our hands. At any rate, Zoolander grew on me, so I hope this one is equally as stupidly awesome. Bonus points if they get Billy Zane back.

2.) Gaga for Goyer? - Latino Review hates Finke Finke Douchenozzle more than everyone else to the point where they spent the whole day yesterday in full-on spaz mode on twitter patting themselves on the back for getting a pretty bad ass scoop yesterday that Finke didn't get. I'm proud of them, sure, but like 27 tweets from various LR folks giving Finke Finke Douchenozzle the finger got a little laborious. Then again, I say that as a person who hasn't scooped anything but ice cream and Raisin Bran. Anyhoodle, their scoop was that David Goyer will write Superman: Man of Steel, the new Superman project overseen by Christopher Nolan. Supposedly, the script involves Lex Luthor and Braniac, introduces a boatload of Kryptonian mythology, and is generally exciting. Well, kind of. See, I don't really like David Goyer that much. I think his writing is really, really spotty. Don't believe me? Sure, he wrote THE STORY for The Dark Knight (which can be boiled down to the Joker does some shit), but he also wrote the following: Kickboxer 2, The Crow: City of Angels, the Nick Fury TV movie, Blade Trinity, and Jumper. If you want to get technical, I loved Dark City (which he wrote the entire screenplay for and was incredible) and liked (not loved) his Batman Begins and Dark Knight scripts. That's it. Other than that, he's a crapmaster. Not okay, not so-so, but a CRAP master. I'm just saying, the fact that he was involved with good Batman movies doesn't mean he may save Superman. There's a chance we could get dialogue like this:
3.) Will Cap put the Red Skull's gun in jello? - Among the news that's had comic fans more apoplectic than the GOP after they found out Democrats may do something that helps people, THR reported earlier this week that Marvel is narrowing the list of potential Captain Americas. Also, Marvel is a bunch of effin' cheapskates. The article said basically that they're offering $300,000 to an unknown to be the lead in a movie that will likely make $75 million or more opening weekend. Suck on that. Also, the actor has to sign a NINE picture deal. What's next, does Marvel demand a "prima nocturne" rule and get to have its execs bang the wife of the new Captain America? Seriously, guys, get a good actor not the cheapest. The list now includes that Scott Porter (Friday Night Lights), Mike Vogel (Cloverfield), Michael Cassidy (Smallville), and Patrick Flueger ( The 4400), none of whom I could identify for all the blow at New York's fashion week. I can identify this guy though:
Yeah, that's right, John Krasinski is on the short list for Captain America. I have to say this, I don't mind it. Yeah, it SEEMS ridiculous because he's Jim from "The Office," right? But (A) I believe him to be a talented actor (yes, really). I also believe he'd get YOKED for the role because he knows it would be necessary. I also think he's going to be better than the no-names I listed above. Seriously, I don't WANT Krasinski in the role, but of that short list I mentioned above, who would you rather have? A guy like Krasinski or somebody from "Smallville?" Really.

4.) When, God? When will Matt Damon get his acting Oscar? - This won't stop until we give him an Oscar. Sure, we may get the occasional Green Zone or Bourne, but we're mostly going to get Invictus and shit until Matt Damon is given the golden statue. What do I mean? Nikki Nikki Douchenozzle is reporting that Damon will play Bobby Kennedy. What other reason is there to play a dead politician than hoisting an Oscar? Seriously. For the record, this movie could be good. Also, I think Damon DESERVES an Oscar. We live in a world where Adrian Brody has one and Matt Damon doesn't. Also, there's this:




5.) Trailers, Parked - A few goodies this week, with two of the three being new versions of trailers for movies we've seen glimpses of already. First up is the new Nightmare On Elm Street trailer, which looks as fun as the other stuff we've seen. I know it's a remake, but Jackie Earle Haley kind of rules and I like Freddy Kreuger. It's not run-of-the-mill horror, so I like playing around in this world, even if that sounds vaguely dirty. I'm not saying I'm there opening night, but I will be there.



Waking Sleeping Beauty is a great look at the birth of the era of Disney that made my childhood. From 1984-1994, Disney animation was simply fantastic. This largely home-video-style documentary will make me long for the days when not everything was CGI and Shrek 4 seemed impossible.



Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps may be a train wreck. It also may totally rule. I GET why there can be a sequel to this movie now. I GET why there are new things that can be said about how we've evolved financially and culturally since the 1980s. I like Shia LeBeouf, I like Oliver Stone, and I love Josh Brolin. I have no idea if all of this can come together in a quality film but this trailer actually gave me more hope than the weird-ass first one. See what you think.



Okay, that's my junk for this week! See you tomorrow to close out this big ole week in style, bitches.