Cutting Room: Ryan's Junk Drawer

Well helloooo again. I somehow have survived until Thursday this week, which I wasn't entirely sure was going to happen. Being that I was off my blogging game for about a week there, we've lost a decent chunk of my viewing audience. I can only hope that promises for them to see MY MASSIVE JUNK will bring them back. For those of you who have been here before (and really, who could resist returning once they've tasted the sweet succulent nectar of my junk juice), you obviously know that by "junk" I mean movie news that isn't big enough to warrant its own post. I call it that so that people think they're about to see something tastier than movie tidbits. We also start each edition of my junk drawer by examining the creepy-ass picture above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. We pick an object and make up an insane story about it just for funsies. Today's item is the blue cylinder with the lightning bolt on it. Although it pained him to do so, Kevin knew that he must keep the proton capacitor from being reinserted into Kerplong, his best friend and android companion. Although the two had shared wonderful adventures together, stopping the rebellion on the planet Steepnort and helping create a new galaxy, Kerplong's cameras never stopped recording. This meant that not only did Kerplong know what Kevin had done to that creature from the Nerblon galaxy, he had evidence. Kevin loved Kerplong, but he wasn't about to go back to Galactic Jail for nobody.

Okay, enough already, let's get on to the week's movie nuggets:

1.) I heart Aziz Ansari - Aziz Ansari's "Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening" is perhaps the funniest stand-up routine I've heard in a few years. Check this clip out, it has some salty language, but it is HILARIOUS and worth it. Fine, don't watch it at work if you're one of those annoying people who doesn't use headphones but rather giant desk speakers so that everyone else is forced to listen to whatever talk radio nonsense you endorse.

Seriously, hilarious right? Rumor has it that Ansari will star in Zombieland director Ruben Fleischer's 30 Minutes or Less, which features a script that had made the prominent "Black List." It's an R-rated comedy about a pizza delivery dude who gets a bomb strapped to his chest by two criminals who make him rob a bank for them (PS - this kind of actually happened). Ansari will play that dude's friend. Obviously, the lead role is just begging for a Seth Rogen type, but I hope they go weird on it. I hope they pick someone like a Ryan Gosling to play the lead, not the expected scruffy-faced chubby guy. I mean, where's the joy in seeing Jonah Hill do this sort of thing...again? Unless he explodes. Then I'm down. For the record, although I've heard some interesting things about Ansari's personality (people have said he's a douche), I've never met him and his CD is hilarious, so I'm going to see whatever he's in (everything except "Parks and Recreation" that is...still not funny to me). If he'd like to invite me to hang out with him to prove he's not a douche, I'm down with that too.

2.) Marvel comics: Making movies the tight-ass way - I know that movie stars make so much more money than is fathomable by us mere mortals, and I'm not trying to say that we should feel sorry for the Richie McRichRich folks out there...but Marvel is known for straight low-ballin' their cast. They made Samuel L Jackson sign a 9 picture deal. NINE movies. Granted, that's one year of work for Sam, but for a regular actor that's like a decade. Plus, they paid him $25. That number may not be right. Point is, when Marvel first announced the short list for the role of Peggy, Captain America's girlfriend, it included Keira Knightley and Emily Blunt, two well-known actresses. E! Online now says those two are out in favor of someone whose top grossing movie didn't clear $40 million, meaning they likely lowballed the shit out of this role. So instead of people we know, we get Alice Eve.

As you can see, she's a hideous she-beast with a hunchback and leprosy. Okay, fine, she's gorgeous. What bothers me isn't that they've swapped one hottie for another, it's that Marvel seems to be paycheck casting and not actor/actress casting. If you want to pick the better actor/actress and they happen to be cheaper because they aren't famous, I admire that. If you want to go unknown, I admire that too. If you want to run down the sliding scale of fame until you find someone willing to take your money, I have a problem.

3.) Swamp Thing that Old Spice can't cure - Slashfilm has a great write-up on the path of Swamp Thing that now winds its way through Vincenzo Natali, whose film Splice is going to light shit up this summer from what I hear. I know Natali (not personally or anything) from Cube, which remains to this day one of the most surprisingly good movies I've ever seen. The director, who has long toiled off the studio grid, has made some great comments about wanting to "sell his soul" to the studio now. He also seems to be more interested in the Alan Moore version of the character, rather than the original monster-style Bernie Wrightson stuff. Upon hearing this, Alan Moore spewed out some near-pornographic exclamations and summoned the demon that lives inside his murder-beard to haunt Natali in his sleep.

4.) The only lasting element of Hot Tub Time Machine - I wanted Hot Tub Time Machine to be funnier, but it wasn't. Instead, we did get a breakout performance from Rob Corddry, who is now set to take over for Jim Carrey in a major project. Wait, what? The LA Times is reporting that Corddry will star in Butter, another 2008 Black List script that is a satire of the 2008 Iowa caucuses featuring a butter-carving competition. Corddry will play a womanizing butter-carving champ who is forced to give up his title, so his wife runs against a talented young upstart. Obviously this is Bill and Hillary versus Obama, so I'm there. This sounds brilliant. Not to mention the fact that one of my glorious top-5 ladies is in it.

Oh, Jennifer Garner...I even watched part of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past on HBO for you. That's love, people.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, we have some fun ones this week.

First up is Dinner for Schmucks. I know that it's not really all that original, but if you put Paul Rudd, Steve Carrell, and Zach Galifianakis in a movie together, I'm going to see it and I'm going to laugh. Also, as wrong as it sounds, I find the concept hilarious. Also, the McCartney quote/mousterpiece comment is enough to warrant its inclusion here.

Next up is a creepy one, Splice looks like my favorite types of sci-fi/horror movies. It is making an interesting point about genetic tinkering, and also looks to be a pants-shitter. I know it kind of looks and sounds like Species, but that's okay. I love it anyway.