Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Hey beautiful blog puppeteers. You really pull my strings, you know that? I've crossed my needed payment threshold early because of you sweet, sweet ad clicking nuggets of joy. Combine that with this being a Friday, a payday Friday at that, and the fact that it's poised to be a very productive finish to the week for me, and you get the rarest of all sightings: A Ryan Syrek good mood. Howsabout them apples? Oh, sure, I'm tired, but I'm also about to predict that Inception will hold over for the third week as number one. I don't think I have ever been more proud of the American movie-going public as I have been these past few weeks. You're talking about Inception, analyzing it, recommending it, seeing it twice...and it's paying off. I promise you that right now, between this and District 9, studios are suddenly looking for the right combination of artistry and originality instead of only looking for remakes. Oh, they'll still do those like crazy, but this really has ushered in a huge change I think. I love you all so much. I'm about to make some predictions and then peace out on y'all since it's Friday and you have better things to do.

Here are the haikus for this week:

1.) Inception - $28 million

This has brought me joy.
Box office domination
is finally sweet.

2.) Dinner for Schmucks - $25 million

I love you, Paul Rudd.
And I don't care who knows it.
No one tell Abbie.

3.) Salt - $18 million

This should hold quite well.
I should say it will "preserve."
Tell me you get that.

4.) Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore - $17 million

This isn't real, right?
I am imagining this.
This should not exist.

5.) Despicable Me - $15 million

Despicable what?
This thing just keeps making cash.
Have respect for that.

WILDCARD - Charlie St. Cloud - $15 million

Dead kids are freaky.
They are almost as creepy
as pale Zack Efron.

Okay, that's it gang, have a slam-bang weekend for me, okay?

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

I love short weeks almost as much as I love short shorts (wearing them right now, babies). Thanks to the magic of governmental holidays, we're already at Thursday, even though it feels like it should be Wednesday (but I wish it was a Friday...f**k Monday and Tuesday, those guys are assholes). What this really means is that even though you feel like you JUST got to look at my junk, you get to see it again! Obviously, this is a clever ruse. I use phrases like "see my junk," even though what I really mean is that I'm just showing you movie tidbits that are too small to warrant their own blog post. I think it's clever. It's certainly more clever than Alanis Morissette changing the most infamous words of her most popular song on American Idol to "We should go down with you to the theater." Anyhoodle, we begin this weekly exercise in goofing around under the guise of movie news reporting by examining the creeptacular image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I then select one item at random, write a fictional and really weird backstory for it, and then move into what you actually came here to see. Why? Who knows why? It's something I did once and it amused me, like that time you voted for Nader. Only it stuck. Unlike that time you voted for Nader. Today's item is the green and red tube in the lower right corner. For years, people have wondered about the magic that goes into puppet/muppet creation. The simple explanation of "it's someone's hand up there" seemed too easy. Indeed, it was. Klaus decided to figure it out for himself, not content with the "puppeteer proctologist" answer. After feigning an attempt to learn his ABCs, he was confronted by a helpful, overly cheery, fuzzy, googly eyed bastard named Elko. Elko's skin came off easy. Almost too easy. What lay beneath horrified Klaus beyond all belief. Oh, there was a hand all right. A hand covered in a green cloth of some kind, like a protective suit. But it was JUST a hand. There was no body behind it. The free-floating, speaking hand soon died without its muppet covering. But Klaus kept it, as a reminder not to mess with that we do not understand.

Okay, that's enough shenanigans, time for some movie tidbits!

1.) There's a hole in the bucket, at Marvel, at Marvel...- Yesterday was a big day for my friend Matt. Matt's a Captain America lover, which is to say he adores the comic book character, not that he's a ranking officer who wants to sleep with the United States. Thus, it was exciting for him to see this:
That's leaked concept art for Chris Evans as Captain America. That sound you heard was Matt french kissing his computadora. I think it's absolutely spot on, personally. (A) He's bringing back utility belts, (B) it sure does look period-acceptable...again, that means it looks like it could be made in the 1940s, not that he should wear it during that time of the month, and (C) it feels like, well, Captain America! After he calmed his mess, Matt turned his attention to wanting to know what the Red Skull looks like (spoiler alert: He has a red skull). In due time, my overeager beaver, in due time. Instead, we got more leaked concept art! This time of the Norseman!
As you can see, that's what the Thor costume is going to look like. I have a bit harder time finding this one "period appropriate," and I do want to know if they're just ditching the helmet (this lack of a helmet and Cap's bucket-covered-dome must be indicative of Marvel's new "nobody gets friggin' wings on their heads anymore" editorial policy). Comic dudes, help me out a bit...this is Greg Land art, right? There are people discussing the validity of these despite resembling both on-set descriptions by people who have seen them and the photo of Thor we saw. The fact that both seem to be done by Marvel painter/artist Greg Land tells me that these are accurate. I'm pumped for both of these films, potentially more than The Avengers. The key is that they have to make us care for these guys on screen BEFORE we care for them in a massive superhero orgy. Take note, dudes: You still have to get these individual films right.

2.) Jennifer Aniston may or may not be a screamer - The following report quickly went up and was quickly denied by people "in the know." Why am I still posting it? Because reps for celebrities are dirty, dirty, dirty liars. They are so untrustworthy that lots of girls I know from high school want to date them and I want to elect them. The rumor was (albeit from "Star Magazine") that J-Ant was going to be in Scream 4.

She would be playing the Drew Barrymore-type role of "big name actress who gets all murderdeathkilled in the first scene." Her reps instantly denied it, which means it still may be true. Sure, it's easy to dismiss Star Magazine (and we've been told to do so by her agents), but consider these three facts: (1) Courtney Cox, J-Ant's good friend, is in the film; (2) it would REALLY help her "buzz factor" and for those who think she doesn't need it, her biggest movie has been the one with the dog who dies; and (3) you would HAVE to deny it to keep the surprise. I'm not saying it's happening (or that I care...even though I've kind of wanted her to die on screen since Along Came Polly), but it could be...it could be.

3.) The Crow reboot is nothing to squawk about - So the producer of the latest attempt to revive the goth-perfect 90s cult hit The Crow, which should really be left to be a fond memory and a great comic, has begun describing the impending abomination. MTV talked to Ed Pressman, who said things that I think he thought would help us get excited. They didn't. Apparently, the film moves back and forth from the Southwest U.S. to Detroit. Whatever. What bothers me is the next quote: "The Crow itself is a creature in this movie— it’s not just a bird…It’s got a personality and a character. Not like Godzilla exactly, but it’s very different [and has] a more active role in the story." It's "not like Godzilla EXACTLY?" In what f**king way IS IT like Godzilla then? Are you kidding me? Clearly they've seen into the heart of the story written by a guy who really had his girlfriend get murdered and experienced untold pain and rage and decided it needed to be more like a movie with a guy in a rubber suit. I know this is just a producer who probably only skimmed the draft, but whoever first uttered the word Godzilla in association with this project needs to be eye shanked.

4.) Chloe Moretz to kick ass in Nebraska? - Well, no. Variety says that the incredibly talented young actress (who I pray goes the Dakota Fanning/Abigail Breslin direction and not the Jodi Sweetin direction) is going to star in Hick, based on the novel of the same name. Nebraskans will be flattered to know that she'll play a 13-year-old native of the state, and outraged to think that people consider Nebraskans to be hicks. The book was apparently written by someone who's never been below the Mason-Dixon line. Anyway, terrible, terrible things happen to this 13-year-old who is abandoned by her loser parents and tries to trek across the country with just her pistol and belief that nobody will do unspeakable things to her (spoiler alert: they do). The kid's a great actress, and it's gotta be hard finding roles that fit...but if they want to go ahead and soften some of the events that occur, I'm okay with that. I'll always think of her having kick-ass fun in Kick Ass, like this:
I don't need to think of her like Fanning in Hound Dog. Ugh.

5.) Trailers, Parked - If you start anywhere other than with the new Scott Pilgrim vs the World trailer, you suck. I don't want to suck. This movie also will not suck. I love the feel of the whole thing, from the over-video-gamed style to the delightfully whimsical visuals. This is going to be a love-it-or-hate-it affair, and we nerds must brace for the fact that it likely will not find the mass audience it deserves. This won't be for lack of our trying to get people to see it though. I love Edgar Wright so much that I hope it makes a bazillion dollars.



Finally, we have the second Dinner for Schmucks trailer, which confirms my suspicion that it is going to make the pee come out. I love Steve Carell best in his decisive roles, the ones where he's either totally insane (Brick from Anchorman) or totally normal (Dan in Real Life). I find Paul Rudd is the best whenever he does anything. Dude love is cool.



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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Well helloooo again. I somehow have survived until Thursday this week, which I wasn't entirely sure was going to happen. Being that I was off my blogging game for about a week there, we've lost a decent chunk of my viewing audience. I can only hope that promises for them to see MY MASSIVE JUNK will bring them back. For those of you who have been here before (and really, who could resist returning once they've tasted the sweet succulent nectar of my junk juice), you obviously know that by "junk" I mean movie news that isn't big enough to warrant its own post. I call it that so that people think they're about to see something tastier than movie tidbits. We also start each edition of my junk drawer by examining the creepy-ass picture above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. We pick an object and make up an insane story about it just for funsies. Today's item is the blue cylinder with the lightning bolt on it. Although it pained him to do so, Kevin knew that he must keep the proton capacitor from being reinserted into Kerplong, his best friend and android companion. Although the two had shared wonderful adventures together, stopping the rebellion on the planet Steepnort and helping create a new galaxy, Kerplong's cameras never stopped recording. This meant that not only did Kerplong know what Kevin had done to that creature from the Nerblon galaxy, he had evidence. Kevin loved Kerplong, but he wasn't about to go back to Galactic Jail for nobody.

Okay, enough already, let's get on to the week's movie nuggets:

1.) I heart Aziz Ansari - Aziz Ansari's "Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening" is perhaps the funniest stand-up routine I've heard in a few years. Check this clip out, it has some salty language, but it is HILARIOUS and worth it. Fine, don't watch it at work if you're one of those annoying people who doesn't use headphones but rather giant desk speakers so that everyone else is forced to listen to whatever talk radio nonsense you endorse.

Seriously, hilarious right? Rumor has it that Ansari will star in Zombieland director Ruben Fleischer's 30 Minutes or Less, which features a script that had made the prominent "Black List." It's an R-rated comedy about a pizza delivery dude who gets a bomb strapped to his chest by two criminals who make him rob a bank for them (PS - this kind of actually happened). Ansari will play that dude's friend. Obviously, the lead role is just begging for a Seth Rogen type, but I hope they go weird on it. I hope they pick someone like a Ryan Gosling to play the lead, not the expected scruffy-faced chubby guy. I mean, where's the joy in seeing Jonah Hill do this sort of thing...again? Unless he explodes. Then I'm down. For the record, although I've heard some interesting things about Ansari's personality (people have said he's a douche), I've never met him and his CD is hilarious, so I'm going to see whatever he's in (everything except "Parks and Recreation" that is...still not funny to me). If he'd like to invite me to hang out with him to prove he's not a douche, I'm down with that too.

2.) Marvel comics: Making movies the tight-ass way - I know that movie stars make so much more money than is fathomable by us mere mortals, and I'm not trying to say that we should feel sorry for the Richie McRichRich folks out there...but Marvel is known for straight low-ballin' their cast. They made Samuel L Jackson sign a 9 picture deal. NINE movies. Granted, that's one year of work for Sam, but for a regular actor that's like a decade. Plus, they paid him $25. That number may not be right. Point is, when Marvel first announced the short list for the role of Peggy, Captain America's girlfriend, it included Keira Knightley and Emily Blunt, two well-known actresses. E! Online now says those two are out in favor of someone whose top grossing movie didn't clear $40 million, meaning they likely lowballed the shit out of this role. So instead of people we know, we get Alice Eve.
As you can see, she's a hideous she-beast with a hunchback and leprosy. Okay, fine, she's gorgeous. What bothers me isn't that they've swapped one hottie for another, it's that Marvel seems to be paycheck casting and not actor/actress casting. If you want to pick the better actor/actress and they happen to be cheaper because they aren't famous, I admire that. If you want to go unknown, I admire that too. If you want to run down the sliding scale of fame until you find someone willing to take your money, I have a problem.

3.) Swamp Thing that Old Spice can't cure - Slashfilm has a great write-up on the path of Swamp Thing that now winds its way through Vincenzo Natali, whose film Splice is going to light shit up this summer from what I hear. I know Natali (not personally or anything) from Cube, which remains to this day one of the most surprisingly good movies I've ever seen. The director, who has long toiled off the studio grid, has made some great comments about wanting to "sell his soul" to the studio now. He also seems to be more interested in the Alan Moore version of the character, rather than the original monster-style Bernie Wrightson stuff. Upon hearing this, Alan Moore spewed out some near-pornographic exclamations and summoned the demon that lives inside his murder-beard to haunt Natali in his sleep.

4.) The only lasting element of Hot Tub Time Machine - I wanted Hot Tub Time Machine to be funnier, but it wasn't. Instead, we did get a breakout performance from Rob Corddry, who is now set to take over for Jim Carrey in a major project. Wait, what? The LA Times is reporting that Corddry will star in Butter, another 2008 Black List script that is a satire of the 2008 Iowa caucuses featuring a butter-carving competition. Corddry will play a womanizing butter-carving champ who is forced to give up his title, so his wife runs against a talented young upstart. Obviously this is Bill and Hillary versus Obama, so I'm there. This sounds brilliant. Not to mention the fact that one of my glorious top-5 ladies is in it.
Oh, Jennifer Garner...I even watched part of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past on HBO for you. That's love, people.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, we have some fun ones this week.

First up is Dinner for Schmucks. I know that it's not really all that original, but if you put Paul Rudd, Steve Carrell, and Zach Galifianakis in a movie together, I'm going to see it and I'm going to laugh. Also, as wrong as it sounds, I find the concept hilarious. Also, the McCartney quote/mousterpiece comment is enough to warrant its inclusion here.


Next up is a creepy one, Splice looks like my favorite types of sci-fi/horror movies. It is making an interesting point about genetic tinkering, and also looks to be a pants-shitter. I know it kind of looks and sounds like Species, but that's okay. I love it anyway.


Finally, I wish I didn't want to see this movie...but I do. The A-Team looks to be as dumb as the dumb show I loved in my youth. I'm there.


Okay, that's it for my epic junk. Go tell your friends about it.