Cutting Room Floor is home to a sea of snark and snippets about upcoming movies, rumors about films, and other assorted nonsense. Sure, the information is mostly accumulated from other reputable sources, but the sarcasm is 100% home grown.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Double dose of delightful
Every Friday should start with a double-dose of Jennifer Garner news.
As if to celebrate husband Ben Affleck's sophomore directorial effort, the only Jenny from the block I've ever cared about has committed today two projects that I now only want to see because the dollars I will pay to look at the woman above are virtually limitless. Better Living Through Chemistry will force Garner to pretend she's attracted to Jeremy Renner, when she only loves me. Renner will play a guy who hates his life and Garner will have sex with him. And there's painkillers and other pharmaceuticals involved. It's basically like a "Jersey Shore" adaptation, only Garner is no Snookie (in that she is a regular-sized, non-syphilis carrier).
The second film...sorry, two films, two pictures.
The second film is far more generic. In The Odd Life of Timothy Green, Garner will play the role of "Mother." It's about a prodigy or something, but it kills me that these are the sorts of roles this talented actress is stuck with. Honestly, she's got something special, even if you don't find her to be a physical goddess, which she unquestionably is so don't say that in front of me or I will inflict violence. If you saw Juno, you know she is just as good playing nuanced, subtle roles as she is kicking ass like in "Alias," the absence of which still haunts me. Anyway, Jenny G news times 2 today, so celebrate!
There, I said it. Sometimes I joke, sometimes it's hurtful, but here's the truth of the truth of the truth: I think he's cool and he is living the life I would most want to live. Yeah, eff becoming some Nobel prizer winner, I want to be Affleck. What do I mean? Well, he can eat whatever he wants and still look A-MAZING!
He is married to a certain former superspy who just happens to be cut from my dreamiest of dreams.
And now he's going to star in a movie by legendary director Terrence Malick with these two ladies:
The movie has no title yet (I propose The Hotness of Hotness) but is a love story featuring Affleck (who is replacing Christian Bale, presumably because Malick didn't feel it was believable that any of those women would fall for someone who constantly growled at them and looked like he was about to remove their face and wear their face on his face), Javier Bardem, Olga Kurylenko, and the two beauties above. Oh, and Affleck's releasing The Town soon, his directorial follow-up to Gone Baby Gone, which was the best movie of the year a few years back. So, if I make with the jokes, ribbing ole Ben for this or that, it's only the bitterest, most awful jealousy rearing up inside of me like a bubbling supernova. If I could become another man, he would be that man. If I could insert myself into a body (not like that), it would be his body. If I could travel through time and befriend someone so as to insert myself into a posse it would be his posse that I would insert myself into. You know what, you get the idea. I was already keen on seeing more Malick (who is getting more productive the older he gets apparently), but now this is off the charts for me. If my excitement were a map of the world, this would be the North Pole. Yippee!
You can't really hate on JJ Abrams. You can try. If you're one of those small people who feels this compulsion to take part in every backlash imaginable because you covet the success of others and have a tiny no-no, then you can rage against several of his projects for no good reason. But the truth is, the guy makes entertaining features on screens both small and big. Without him, I would never have met
(I miss you so much, Evangeline, please come back to me in some way, I don't care how). And I would have never even known about (I don't care how good The Town looks, this will remain the best work Ben Affleck has ever been a part of). So not only does JJ make incredibly fun and cool films and TV shows that introduce women I will love until someone pries the internet out of my cold, dead hands, he is also going to try to make a movie that will bring steampunk into the mainstream. Boilerplate will be produced by JJ and is about the world's first robot invented in the late 19th century. The image above is a steampunk Iron Man, just to give you a flavor for what we're talking about. Shoving this fictional robot into real-life historical battles will be incredible, if they're able to capture the beauty of steampunkness, which nobody really has done on screen yet. Something about the genre, which is all about impractical ways to design and power awesome modern technology with old sources of energy, just makes me giddy. Some of the designs for steampunk things are so awesome I don't even know how brains imagine them. And now JJ is going to bring it to the big screen. See? He rules. Now, if he puts Evangeline and Jennifer in a steampunk setting, he will hit the trifecta. How is it a trifecta? You get two points for casting either of those goddesses, that's my rule. Follow me on Twitter!
Top of the Friday to ya, faithful bloggites! I hope that your weekend is just sitting there waiting for you, ready to be awesome. Before we get to the debauchery and (gasp) soccer-laden Saturday-Sunday span, we have some business to attend to. From last night into this morning, eleventy billion (the precise number) stories broke, most of which were just boring confirmations of one sort or another. So my choices were (A) only give you the ones that I personally care about (sorry Twilight fans), (B) give you absolutely everything in individual blog posts (but, hellooooo, I'm waaaay too lazy for such things, or (C) make you a nice one-stop-shopping post filled with all the things you may care about in easily digestible portions. Never let it be said that I don't always consider your needs. Oh, a quick programming note: I'm hoping to hit you with this and the box office predictions before returning later today with a Karate Kid review.
Okay, so let's peek into the smorgasbord of newsie-type things that just hit:
1.) How the mighty have fallen - Until 2 weeks ago, Guillermo Del Toro's name was often followed by a parentheses that read "director of the upcoming Hobbit." Now, Pajiba reports that it should read "Van Helsing resurrection specialist." Yeah, you read that right, the rumor is that Del Toro has ditched The Hobbit and his next project may be a new version of Van Helsing. Supposedly the film will deny all existence of the Hugh Jackman abomination (permitted to exist only for it's rampant use of Kate Beckinsale in tight pants). I'm officially worried about Del Toro's career. The director of the first Van Helsing was exiled from earth and now orbits the planet in a spaceship made entirely of bad CGI.
2.) Hotness arrives! - The Russell Brand remake of Arthur just got a whole lot more sexy. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kill it with fire! His hair wants to strangle my eyeballs! Every flower has an individual murderous personality! OH GOD, MAKE IT STOP. Much better. Happy place. So soft. So pretty. Nice. Calm. Love. YOU SON OF A BITCH! I thought you were dead?! Go away forever, you are bad for my life! Bring back the pretty!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is how I tell the world that Jennifer Garner and Nick Nolte have joined the Arthur remake. Thanks for playing.
3.) Yeah, but will it have a really icky sex scene? - Vincenzo Natali, who directed The Cube and Splice, is about to tackle William Gibson's "Neuromancer," a book that very much inspired The Matrix. This could be compelling and brilliant, given both the source material and the artist who clearly is off the beaten path. Then again, it could feel redundant (given said Matrix) and could feature disgusting, bizarre, interspecies, semi-incestuous feeling sex. Not to pigeon-hole Natali, but I fear such behaviors may be his calling card, like Hitchcock's cameo or Shyamalan's surprise ending. God, wouldn't that be great/awful?!
4.) More to hate - As has been rumored about and then confirmed but not really confirmed but kind of confirmed and then not really denied but sort of denied: Twilight: Breaking Dawn is going to be 2 movies. Now, it's going to be very important that someone sees these before I do and tells me which one I have to see for the batshit insane bullshit that I've heard happens in the final novel. Clearly, I'm not sitting through both of them, but if someone tells me which one brings the best crazy, I'd love to watch people watch it. I'd love nothing more than to watch Twi-hards drooling over what I personally believe to be the craziest thing I've ever heard about in a work of fiction, and I just referenced disgusting, bizarre, interspecies, semi-incestuous feeling sex above.
5.) Rush is back! - No, not the Canadian rockers whose music makes you sterile, Geoffrey Rush is officially returning to the Pirates series again! This is good, as he is neither Orlando Bloom nor Keira Knightley. Rush's character was a good foil/counterpart to Depp's legendary figure, so I'm hoping they'll revive the magic once more. There's something truly great about movie pirates that has only been captured that first time in this series. If piracy is ever really going to catch on, this series HAS to do better.
Okay, that's all of the important (and semi-important/unimportant) movie news to care about on this Friday. Back atcha with Box Office Predictions shortly and Karate Kid review later!
E! Online is reporting that ABC, the only entity taking the loss of "Lost" harder than I am, is contemplating a reboot of "Alias." Allow me to be the first to say that when it comes to miss Sidney Bristow, I'll go George McFly on your ass. HEY YOU, GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF OF HER! That's Sidney Bristow...the ONLY Sidney Bristow. See, it's like this, ABC thinks they can revive a JJ Abrams property they've already had before and "fix it." You don't "fix" things this great. Were there missteps in "Alias?" Oh yeah. Problem is, most of them involved LISTENING TO ABC. The show, which is about a superhot spy who is involved in double crosses, double-double crosses, and the occasional double-double-double cross (but never a menage-a-tois), was blasted for being too "bogged down with mythology" and for forcing viewers to "have to watch every episode." You know, the very things that made people love "Lost." They want to redo the series WITHOUT Rimbaldi, which means nothing to many of you but is causing seizures in those of you who are like me. This is like saying "we should do Star Wars but lose that 'Force' stuff, it's too weird." So, what you really are pitching, ABC, is a generic spy show. Um, NBC is launching "Undercover" this year...which is a JJ Abrams series about a couple who happen to be spies. At this point, I'm hoping that E! Online's sources are as believable as the reality TV stars on E! Entertainment Television. This is to say I hope they're more full of crap than a Kardashian. If they really want to capitalize on the series, why not bring back J-Gar up there (who last I checked was not particularly busy) to do a follow-up movie? That would be great...provided it had some Rimbaldi in it. Sometimes it amazes me that people can be so dense as to hate the thing that makes the thing good. So far, I'm poised to cut ABC out of my life (dance with those stars, suckers).
Good morning, sinners. I can't take credit for that. That's how Warren Ellis (the comic writer, not the musician) greets his followers on Twitter. As I've said before, he also refers to his beard as a "hobo rape thicket," which is the creepiest description for facial hair not currently on Ben Affleck's face. As you know, today is Thursday (unless you didn't know...maybe I should have said SPOILER ALERT: Today is Thursday). That means it's the day that I expose my junk. By junk, I mean my movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant a post of their own. We begin each session of junk exposure by examining the image above of a creepy-ass junk drawer from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN) and picking one item out to make an insane backstory about. This time, we're going to choose the mysterious white substance in the middle of the drawer. Despite years of research proving that it was (A) both perfectly harmless and (B) delicious, Susan's invention, "Cocaine for Kids," was shot down by every investor available. Although packed with essential vitamins and nutrients, and only a very small amount of stimulant/hallucinogen, mainstream America was just too stubborn and refused to consider letting children snort the chemical cocktail. Susan's dreams of school lunchrooms where every toddler shoved kiddie-blow up their nose were just never meant to be.
Okay, enough preamble. Let's get on to the amble! Here's my junk for this week!!!!
1.) First Whedon, now Munn?Nerds REJOICE! - Before we get to the sexytime comic news you're thirsting for, a quick follow-up. It seems that Marvel reads my blog. Okay, fine, probably not. But at the very least, they arrived at the same bright idea I did, which was to let Joss Whedon take a crack at the Avengers screenplay above all else. He may do a good job directing...but he WILL do a good job writing the mega-comic movie. So, yippee, the Avengers may not suck. Actually, this leads perfectly to the next bit of nerd-vana. I'm told that nerds like this girl: I can't see why. As you likely know, that's Olivia Munn who you know from G4's "Attack of the Show" (and from the many, many downloads of her picture on your boyfriend's/husband's computer). She loves geek things and had a small cameo in Iron Man 2, which was cut. Then they called her in and said that she needed to come back in and shoot something else for the movie, a role that she tweeted made her "an actual marvel character." The theory today has it that Munn may be playing the Wasp. Now, what I know of Munn's acting is mostly from that commercial where she plays the fortune teller. That's not a good sign. Still, how hard is playing the Wasp? Sure, if the character is in The Avengers, which she should be because she's a staple of the team in the comics, she'll have to deal with getting domestically abused by Ant Man. Until then, who cares if she only looks good in leather? Take this all with a grain of salt, as Munn could still be playing a much more minor role. Still, nerds have to be salivating over this prospect like they salivate over the thought of a world with no further human interaction.
2.) Butter sounds very good for me - Butter, which seems to have an awesome script AND an awesome casting director, just keeps landing big name talent. The film is both a satire of the 2008 Iowa Caucuses AND an opportunity for people to make tons of jokes about butter. Win-Win, I say. I'm going to go pictorial on your asses. Here's your cast so far:
Jennifer Garner
Ashley Greene Olivia Wilde Alicia Silverstone Hugh Jackman and (sexiest of all) Rob Corddry
How can you not want in on this one? A great script and a cast composed of every sexy person ever...and Rob Corddry?! This is one satire that I think has a real chance at making us all very, very happy.
3.) In the name of Kubrick, I declare thee awesome! - Given the uninspired, remake-heavy bullcrap we often suffer through, the prospect of getting a little new Stanley Kubrick on us is awesome. The late brilliant director keeps giving, as the treatment for Lunatic at Large, which was written for Kubrick in the 50s by Jim Thompson, is going to be made into a movie starring Sam Rockwell and Scarlett Johansson. It's drawing some comparisons to Shutter Island, but I don't care. This is literally as close as we can come to seeing Scarlett in a Kubrick movie. That makes me happy. I don't know who will end up directing it, but I hope it's someone with a degree of talent. When paired with good directors, Scarlett shines (Woody Allen, Sophia Coppola). When paired with bad directors....she sure is pretty. See? 4.) The last time they worked together, I cried a lot - I have never blubbered at a movie quite like I did at The Fountain. There were a lot of reasons why, but I still hold that at least part of the equation was Darren Aronofsky and Rachel Weisz (and Hugh Jackman) just absolutely committing to the material. Well, Aronofsky (who gets to sleep with Weisz EVERY NIGHT because they're married and stuff) is going to need that same level of commitment again, as Entertainment Weekly is reporting that he will direct his honey as she plays Jacqueline Kennedy in the days after her husband's assassination. Anyone smell the Oscars in the air? I do! First off, she can look the part (see below): Second, he's got the talent to make this something more than a boring biopic. Third, the subject matter is still riveting. Look at that, a major movie that will get Oscar talk that is headlined by and almost entirely about a woman. Things have changed! I kid, of course, as just earlier this week Sigourney Weaver said the only reason James Cameron didn't win the Oscar is "he didn't have boobs," as in, Kathryn Bigelow only won because of her female status. Nope. She won because she did the best job directing. Oh, and if Cameron's loss had ANYTHING to do with genitalia, it isn't his lack of boobs, it's that he's a dick.
5.) Trailers, parked - Some fun ones this week, really, as we're going all comedy!
Ryan Reynolds' superhero obsession continues, as he plays a figment of Jeff Daniels' imagination in Paper Man, which probably won't be very good. It's played at numerous festivals to little praise, even though the trailer makes me want to see it.
Next up is The Other Guys, which as someone else put it is obviously the movie that Kevin Smith's Cop Out wanted to be. Will Ferrell has been seriously licking his wounds since his last few flops...here's hoping there's a second act to his career that begins with this.
Finally, we have an Annette Benning sighting. She only appears once a half decade before disappearing into the shadow of Warren Beatty. This time, she's a lesbian mom with Julianne Moore. I think the movie looks great, and is the type of entertainment we need to push acceptance of lesbian/gay families into the mainstream. Huzzah for The Kids Are All Right trailer!!!
That's it for this week. Sorry for all the salacious photos of scantily clad women and Hugh Jackman (and double apologies for Rob Corddry's picture). It just lent itself to that theme and I thought I'd run with it. Remember, celebration of hot celebrities doesn't mean I'm not still a staunch believer in gender equality and other important things! Happy Thursday!
Well helloooo again. I somehow have survived until Thursday this week, which I wasn't entirely sure was going to happen. Being that I was off my blogging game for about a week there, we've lost a decent chunk of my viewing audience. I can only hope that promises for them to see MY MASSIVE JUNK will bring them back. For those of you who have been here before (and really, who could resist returning once they've tasted the sweet succulent nectar of my junk juice), you obviously know that by "junk" I mean movie news that isn't big enough to warrant its own post. I call it that so that people think they're about to see something tastier than movie tidbits. We also start each edition of my junk drawer by examining the creepy-ass picture above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. We pick an object and make up an insane story about it just for funsies. Today's item is the blue cylinder with the lightning bolt on it. Although it pained him to do so, Kevin knew that he must keep the proton capacitor from being reinserted into Kerplong, his best friend and android companion. Although the two had shared wonderful adventures together, stopping the rebellion on the planet Steepnort and helping create a new galaxy, Kerplong's cameras never stopped recording. This meant that not only did Kerplong know what Kevin had done to that creature from the Nerblon galaxy, he had evidence. Kevin loved Kerplong, but he wasn't about to go back to Galactic Jail for nobody.
Okay, enough already, let's get on to the week's movie nuggets:
1.) I heart Aziz Ansari - Aziz Ansari's "Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening" is perhaps the funniest stand-up routine I've heard in a few years. Check this clip out, it has some salty language, but it is HILARIOUS and worth it. Fine, don't watch it at work if you're one of those annoying people who doesn't use headphones but rather giant desk speakers so that everyone else is forced to listen to whatever talk radio nonsense you endorse.
Seriously, hilarious right? Rumor has it that Ansari will star in Zombieland director Ruben Fleischer's 30 Minutes or Less, which features a script that had made the prominent "Black List." It's an R-rated comedy about a pizza delivery dude who gets a bomb strapped to his chest by two criminals who make him rob a bank for them (PS - this kind of actually happened). Ansari will play that dude's friend. Obviously, the lead role is just begging for a Seth Rogen type, but I hope they go weird on it. I hope they pick someone like a Ryan Gosling to play the lead, not the expected scruffy-faced chubby guy. I mean, where's the joy in seeing Jonah Hill do this sort of thing...again? Unless he explodes. Then I'm down. For the record, although I've heard some interesting things about Ansari's personality (people have said he's a douche), I've never met him and his CD is hilarious, so I'm going to see whatever he's in (everything except "Parks and Recreation" that is...still not funny to me). If he'd like to invite me to hang out with him to prove he's not a douche, I'm down with that too.
2.) Marvel comics: Making movies the tight-ass way - I know that movie stars make so much more money than is fathomable by us mere mortals, and I'm not trying to say that we should feel sorry for the Richie McRichRich folks out there...but Marvel is known for straight low-ballin' their cast. They made Samuel L Jackson sign a 9 picture deal. NINE movies. Granted, that's one year of work for Sam, but for a regular actor that's like a decade. Plus, they paid him $25. That number may not be right. Point is, when Marvel first announced the short list for the role of Peggy, Captain America's girlfriend, it included Keira Knightley and Emily Blunt, two well-known actresses. E! Online now says those two are out in favor of someone whose top grossing movie didn't clear $40 million, meaning they likely lowballed the shit out of this role. So instead of people we know, we get Alice Eve. As you can see, she's a hideous she-beast with a hunchback and leprosy. Okay, fine, she's gorgeous. What bothers me isn't that they've swapped one hottie for another, it's that Marvel seems to be paycheck casting and not actor/actress casting. If you want to pick the better actor/actress and they happen to be cheaper because they aren't famous, I admire that. If you want to go unknown, I admire that too. If you want to run down the sliding scale of fame until you find someone willing to take your money, I have a problem.
3.) Swamp Thing that Old Spice can't cure - Slashfilm has a great write-up on the path of Swamp Thing that now winds its way through Vincenzo Natali, whose film Splice is going to light shit up this summer from what I hear. I know Natali (not personally or anything) from Cube, which remains to this day one of the most surprisingly good movies I've ever seen. The director, who has long toiled off the studio grid, has made some great comments about wanting to "sell his soul" to the studio now. He also seems to be more interested in the Alan Moore version of the character, rather than the original monster-style Bernie Wrightson stuff. Upon hearing this, Alan Moore spewed out some near-pornographic exclamations and summoned the demon that lives inside his murder-beard to haunt Natali in his sleep.
4.) The only lasting element of Hot Tub Time Machine- I wanted Hot Tub Time Machine to be funnier, but it wasn't. Instead, we did get a breakout performance from Rob Corddry, who is now set to take over for Jim Carrey in a major project. Wait, what? The LA Times is reporting that Corddry will star in Butter, another 2008 Black List script that is a satire of the 2008 Iowa caucuses featuring a butter-carving competition. Corddry will play a womanizing butter-carving champ who is forced to give up his title, so his wife runs against a talented young upstart. Obviously this is Bill and Hillary versus Obama, so I'm there. This sounds brilliant. Not to mention the fact that one of my glorious top-5 ladies is in it. Oh, Jennifer Garner...I even watched part of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past on HBO for you. That's love, people.
5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, we have some fun ones this week.
First up is Dinner for Schmucks. I know that it's not really all that original, but if you put Paul Rudd, Steve Carrell, and Zach Galifianakis in a movie together, I'm going to see it and I'm going to laugh. Also, as wrong as it sounds, I find the concept hilarious. Also, the McCartney quote/mousterpiece comment is enough to warrant its inclusion here.
Next up is a creepy one, Splice looks like my favorite types of sci-fi/horror movies. It is making an interesting point about genetic tinkering, and also looks to be a pants-shitter. I know it kind of looks and sounds like Species, but that's okay. I love it anyway.
Finally, I wish I didn't want to see this movie...but I do. The A-Team looks to be as dumb as the dumb show I loved in my youth. I'm there.
Okay, that's it for my epic junk. Go tell your friends about it.
OK, but only if Mariah Carey plays Dr. Frank-N-Furter
I'm not one of those people who are all tingly-woo about Rocky Horror Picture Show. I've been told that if I go to one of the interactive midnight screenings, I'll change my mind. Then again, some of these same people also tried to convince me Dane Cook was funny. At any rate, MTV is ready to breathe some contemporary funk (I'm referring to the smell, not the genre of music) into a remake of the cult classic. According to Variety, the film will use the original script but will also incorporate "music not featured in the original," which is a fancy way of saying we're in for Ne-Yo's R&B sensation "You Know What, I Think That Is a Dude." All I'm saying is that they had better find a place for Meatloaf. Lord help them if they dis the loaf.
Return to Whore Island
In a move that doesn't inspire confidence in Step-Brothers (which I see tonight), Entertainment Weekly reports that Will Ferrell and Adam McKay have announced plans to develop Anchorman 2. While we've all longed to see how Ron Burgandy would fare in the 1980s (and dreamed of Paul Rudd donning more Sex Panther...just me? okay), the fact that this news just happened to drop before the remarkably under-hyped Step-Brothers is the Hollywood equivalent of "Pay no attention to the direct-to-TBS comedy that's coming out tomorrow." Having laid a big-ole stinky egg with Semi-Pro, dropping another turd in America's cinematic toilet would make Ferrell only two degrees less desperate for a hit than Jim Carrey. For an in-depth look at the stank of desperation currently wafting around former "SNL" actors, check out Lowbrow Low Blow. Mmmm, I love the smell of shameless self-cross-referencing in the morning. A little pee came out
Part of the fun of this blogging experience is covering stuff that wouldn't fit into the confines of The Reader proper, which isn't to say The Reader is proper because most of us have the manners of a drunken muskrat. At any rate, my wife and I have been watching all of "Alias" on DVD, which makes us sound incredibly pathetic...but hold on, it's my second time watching it all, which means I officially exceed incredibly pathetic and enter "supremely pathetic," a realm formerly occupied only by people who wear T-shirts that say things like "I got out of bed for this?" or "Who bought tickets to the gun show?"
At any rate, I partially engaged in this second viewing of Jennifer Garner's breakout hit (sorry, that should read only hit, not breakout) because I wanted to see how well it held together knowing how it ended. People bitched incessantly (the best kind of bitching) about the 4th season, which did kind of suck upon second watching but also recovered in the second half of the season. The other reason I agreed to watch some 105 episodes of a TV show again was because (beyond being really frakking good) "Alias" has some of the most incredible twists and turns ever and there are few things I enjoy as much as watching someone react to an awesome twist I know is coming (yes, I'm sure there's some kind of Freudian power trip going on there, but focus on the subject at hand).
So last night, after watching 4 seasons (nearly 100 hours), we finally got to the moment I had been waiting for my wife to see. As I sat there, waiting for the shock to set in, I began to doubt...could any reaction possibly be enough to reward this time investment? I'm here to say, yes...oh, dear God yes. As the shocking moment occurred, my wife screamed...not a yelp, not a yip, a full-on worry-that-the-neighbors-think-I'm-going-Christian-Bale-on-her yodel. She flew backward, covering her mouth and rocking back and forth, whimpering. Now that, ladies and gentleman, is a reaction.
I write this for two reasons: First, I wonder how many of you out there get that same sick pleasure in rewatching something with someone to see their reaction (laughter, shock, whatever). Second, I really want people to discover again how good "Alias" was because it was really, really, really good. So there's a pull quote for you to go out and Netflix "Alias," "So shocking, I think it made my wife pee a little."
As if to celebrate husband Ben Affleck's sophomore directorial effort, the only Jenny from the block I've ever cared about has committed today two projects that I now only want to see because the dollars I will pay to look at the woman above are virtually limitless. Better Living Through Chemistry will force Garner to pretend she's attracted to Jeremy Renner, when she only loves me. Renner will play a guy who hates his life and Garner will have sex with him. And there's painkillers and other pharmaceuticals involved. It's basically like a "Jersey Shore" adaptation, only Garner is no Snookie (in that she is a regular-sized, non-syphilis carrier).
As if to celebrate husband Ben Affleck's sophomore directorial effort, the only Jenny from the block I've ever cared about has committed today two projects that I now only want to see because the dollars I will pay to look at the woman above are virtually limitless. Better Living Through Chemistry will force Garner to pretend she's attracted to Jeremy Renner, when she only loves me. Renner will play a guy who hates his life and Garner will have sex with him. And there's painkillers and other pharmaceuticals involved. It's basically like a "Jersey Shore" adaptation, only Garner is no Snookie (in that she is a regular-sized, non-syphilis carrier).
