Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

Every birthday holds within it something different. For example, this morning I woke up to the nauseating smell of polyurethane floor sealer (we're finishing the hardwood floors), the discovery that a critter had gotten into the outside trash, news that someone at my job had failed to check in properly and thus we had both spent the entire last week duplicating work, and the following two comments from readers of this here blog: Regarding my scoop on the villain of Green Lantern, I was told "You received an email regarding highly sought after information that if any other entertainment news outlet received would have made BIG headlines, and it's supposedly legit? Really? No offense (nah, I take that back) but that's a load of crap. I'm a member of the Warner Bros Press site and receive all of their official press releases. This is not one of them" and by a different fellow who was much more to the point, "Yeah right. That "official synopsis" looks like it was written by a 12 year old." But you know what I did? Stood outside until the nausea passed, double bagged my spilled trash, confirmed with my job that it wasn't my fault for the duplication, and responded to the naysayers with a completely honest response. I told them, "Hey, I wouldn't believe me either!" and offered to forward them the email I received so they could judge for themselves (it is, by the by, totally 100% legit). Point is, at my age, you make your own birthday joy. Nobody's passing out cupcakes in your honor.

Okay, so on to why we're here (well, why you're here...I'm here because my parents did it 32 years and 9 months ago). It's not only my birthday, it's a Junk Drawer day. And since I only do Junk Drawer on Thursdays, this convergence of special events only happens once every 150 years!!!! What's that? I'm being told that is not accurate. But what better way to celebrate my arrival on this planet than by showing the world my junk. As you know, by junk I mean movie news too small to warrant its own individual post and not "what my momma gave me." We always begin by looking at the creepy image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and selecting one of the items about which I write something nonsensical but hilarious (to me). Today's item is the knob on the drawer. When Ethyl first bought the house, she noticed something was different about it. The whole thing felt...alive! When she moved in, she started noticing something about the windows that peered out from the front and the way the door was centered in the middle, almost smiling. It wasn't until she noticed that the junk drawer handle seemed to get firmer when she touched it that she realized that the whole thing was....ALIVE!!!! As it turns out, whenever Ethyl needed twine or other junk and grabbed that handle, she was tweaking the house's nipples.

Yeah, I just wrote a fake story about house nipples. Why is it people won't buy my "breaking news" again? At any rate, here's the tidbits worth mentioning this week.

1.) Atlas WILL shrug, DAMMIT! - They're shooting Atlas Shrugged on June 11. Producer John Aglialoro has set that start date hard in stone, according to Deadline. Just one problem...he doesn't have a, at all. Although he's claiming that he's trying to get Maggie Gyllenhaal and all of her double letters to join in or to sway Charlize Theron (who I kind of like now after her "Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis" segment) to sign on for the lead. I sure hope they have some time in their schedule RIGHT NOW! points out that independent films work this way all the time. Except, this isn't some tiny production. Aglialoro paid a million buckaroos (dollars, not bonzais) for the rights. I admire his moxie, the cut of his jib if you will, but I somehow doubt that this will happen. Funny story, when I first started the column Cutting Room in the paper copy of the Reader, someone took the time to type in a story I wrote about Angelina Jolie's then involvement with Atlas Shrugged. It was on some weird Ayn Rand fan site, where my name remains to this day. I was kind of honored, but also kind of freaked out. So, crazy devotees of Rand and her really morose and dense book, please don't stab voodoo dolls of me or whatever witchcraft it is you do if this latest project doesn't happen. Deal? And before you accuse me of being insensitive to the Randians, tell me how creepy the gold dude is that's on the cover of their shit.
He's coming for me. Look how angry he seems...and I don't even want to know what kind of "Dr. Manhattan" show of horrors will occur if he turns and faces me.

2.) Losties, get ready for something gooooooood - By this point, you've either seen the finale or you are a spoiler-avoiding ninja. Get ready for a "sick dodge" on this one: In addition to the news that Walt will, in fact, make an appearance in the extra footage shot for the Season 6 DVD, I have more so good you won't believe me. Remember the awesome exchange between Ben and Hurley in the sideways world about how Ben was a "great number two" and Hurley was "a great number one." They shot it. Yeah, you heard me. They shot it. At least 12-14 minutes of it. So, we may be getting answers to questions like Walt AND a glimpse of "Afterlost" (as someone smarter than me dubbed it) that follows Ben and Hurley for awhile. I'm in heaven. Well, they are, but you get what I'm saying. How great is that?! I love that the producers are embracing the mediums that are offered to them. Why NOT include extra stuff on DVD? If the problem really was that you were constrained by the limits of airtime from ABC, then enjoy the unlimited restrictions of home video. I officially can't wait until August. The island is never done with me, is it? It's after the finale and I'm once more waiting for more "Lost."

3.) The shortlist for Spidey is 100% Effron- and Twilight-free - I'm not going to get too excited about this, on account of how stupid a new origin story is and all, but THR's list of the people Sony has on the shortlist for Peter Parker is more encouraging than I thought. Whereas I was sure this was going to be cast out of the last issue of "Tiger Beat" (they still make that, right? If not, it was a magazine that had young male hunks in it for teenaged girls to swoon over and not a feline soft core porn mag), it looks like they really like limeys. Jamie Bell, Andrew Garfield, Alden Ehrenreich, Frank Dillane, and Josh Hutcherson. Now, I know what you're thinking...THE Alden Ehrenreich? Oh yes. That's right, Tetro's Alden Ehrenreich. Household name? Nope. Hearthrob? I doubt it. Last name sounds like a final maneuver in Hitler's army? Oh yes. I don't know jack squat about these guys, all of whom have some level of experience but not much. My money is, like everyone's, on Hutcherson, who has actually done big-budget movies before (Zathura, Journey to the Center of the Earth). Feel free to IMDB these suckers and see what you think. I would do it but I'm afraid if I type in Garfield and Bell, I'll get some joke about Odie's tongue.

4.) Run, Logan, Run!! -'s Heat Vision is reporting that Carl Rinsch, who did that excellent short film a few weeks back and just-so-happens to be Ridley Scott's son-in-law, just landed the director's seat for the remake of Logan's Run. This project has more starts and fits than an epileptic in rush hour traffic. I won't walk you through the entire directorial shuffle that has taken place to this point, but let's just say that Rinsch is likely going to be replaced by the time I finish typing this if the past is any indicator. For those who don't remember, Logan's Run is about a society in which people who pass a certain age are killed. It's sort of like what Sarah Palin said the heath care reform was like, only more realistic. As for who will play the lead character, a man who once hunted down those who refused to accept their termination but is now running himself, it will likely be someone young. I say the official shortlist should be whoever doesn't get Peter Parker. So if you don't wind up playing Spider-man, you may play Logan. Wow, now that's a nerd joke.

5.) Trailers, parked - I have but one rule: If you put Rachel McAdams in it, I will go to there. Period. Even though you may cast her in some generic-looking romantic comedy with Diane Keaton, I will go to there. If you title it something stupid and wholesome-sounding, I will go to there. If you poke Harrison Ford with a stick until he angrily wakes up and include him in that movie, I will go to there. There is nothing I won't do for a little McAdams. Plus, it doesn't hurt that Morning Glory (groan) is somehow a Bad Robot production. It does hurt that the writer also wrote 27 Dresses. Still, I'm seeing it for the love of a woman.

Next up is The Killer Inside Me, which stars Casey Affleck (totally underrated dude) as a bad, bad man. The film noir tale was blasted for its horrifying misogynistic violence, although I heard a defense of it that was pretty compelling. Basically, the director said that when violence against women is glossy and not totally vomit-inducing, THAT is the disservice. I'm not sure if I buy it. Further complicating matters, the violence is against Jessica Alba, who cinematically deserves whatever happens to her. Judge for yourself whether this is something you can handle.

Finally, even though it's my birthday, here's the new Twilight: Eclipse trailer.

Now, if someone could just tell me why the wolves from The Day After Tomorrow are so pissed at those pale gymnasts dressed in black, I think I could totally get on board. Also, I believe the film looks like it was shot in Alaska, so I am going to blame Palin for this one too.

Okay, that's it for a birthday edition of my Junk Drawer. I'll be back tomorrow for a Friday that should launch us straight into Memorial Day weekend! Huzzah for 3-day weekends, right?!

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