Friday, May 21, 2010

Sayid (Can't) Kill Someone and Other "Lost" Predictions

Let's really roll around in this a little, shall we? If you're here reading this, you love "Lost" like Brick from Anchorman loves lamp...but our lamp goes out for good on Sunday night. Thus, let's start things off with some laughs.

First up is a hip-hop tribute I found rather clever.


"Now like Sun I need some gin" that's great. Continuing the funny, we have the sporadically hilarious Sarah Silverman's interview with the producers. There's some salty language, but you can handle it.


Best line in that one hands down: "I couldn't help but notice that you're both huge f**king nerds."

Okay, even raunchier STILL (seriously, there's lots of discussion of island ugly-bumping...you've been warned). Really, really NSFW. Also, totally hilarious. It's comedian Sarah Benincasa, who I adore, recapping "Lost" without ever watching it. She rips on the show a lot, but it's totally hilarious. Seriously, though, really offensive in its abject hilarity.



When she said "then there's the others...which are...um...black people. And everyone else is afraid of them"...I thought I was going pee. Now that's funny.

Last but not least, Michael Emerson pronouncing everyday words creepy.



I will never again think of blue eyes in the same way.

Okay, so now you're laughing. Here comes the pain. By Monday, we'll never watch another new episode of "Lost" again. Deep breaths, it's going to be okay. Fine, it's going to be okay-ish. I don't want to spend too much time TODAY lamenting and wailing and gnashing teeth about the absence of the greatest scripted show in television history. That's for Monday's reaction column, which will be the first blog to ever taste like tears.

Today, I want to share with you two stories and then some predictions. The first story is a very personal one. Those of you who are Facebook friends with me have seen constant posts from James Syrek, "Cousin Jimmy," as I often call him to friends. When I lived in Illinois in the fifth and sixth grades, he and I were tight like Troy and Abed. Because life is stupid at times and for what can only be described as "for no good reason whatsoever," Jimmy and I fell out of touch. Then, at some point, we both simultaneously realized that we're super-nutso-bonkers for this show. We started sending emails every once and awhile...then started commenting during live episodes...then started sharing thoughts daily and generally freaking out together. Oh yeah, and we also started talking about other things. Before I knew it, a decade of pointless separation melted away. I've talked before about what "Lost" meant to me when the show started, coming at a really transitional point in my life. It also is the reason I have an old friend back. So, say it's just a TV show all you want to. You're right. It is. But it's also way more than that.

The second story is about my dad. Dad doesn't much get excited about a lot of television or movies, unless things explode. Then he'll watch it and say it was okay. Dad loves "Lost" and has from the first episode. He found out a few days ago that he had a meeting slated to run Sunday night from 7-9. Figuring that was life, he thought he'd DVR it and watch it Monday. Only...he's got to go out of town on Monday. Okay, fine, Tuesday. Well, Tuesday we're doing a get together for my birthday. Wednesday is another out of town trip. So Dad did what anyone would do. He moved his entire work schedule around so that he can race home on Sunday and be home just in time for the episode itself to begin at 8. This is a grown man with a job and meetings and such rearranging his life to get home in time for a TV show. I love it.

Okay, before we get started into the predictions for this, I have some people to thank for these. I'd like to call this "mad shout-out time." In no particular order (I mean that): To Cameron, thanks for all the constant commenting, theorizing, and idea sharing. To Andrew and Jess, thanks for the longest discussion I've ever had on "Lost" (even if it dovetailed to you being SOOOOO wrong about the dominant musical movement of the 90s) and for everything. To Jason and Heather, fellow participants in said longest discussion ever, thanks for ramping my excitement up and for your great attention to burning corpses. To the Hastings watch group, you made every tournament fun, and thanks for commenting! To Lynnette, serious thank you for the prediction I'll make in a minute regarding how to dispose of a smoke monster. To James, thanks for the awesome "sideways saves all" theory that will be discussed below and for, you know, all the countless conversations. To Abbie, thanks for enduring my obsession and actually joining in it (and for, you know, everything else in life). To every family member, friend, or ally I've forgotten, I love you guys and love how much we all love this show.

Okay, before I lose the will to type this. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you:

MY FINAL PREDICTIONS TO EVER BE TERRIBLY WRONG FOR "THE END."

1.) Kill it with fire - Talk about how things come together. My friend, Heather, was discussing waaaay back in January how she thought there was significance to bodies being burned. Lo and behold, Jake tells everybody very explicitly around the creepiest soylent green fire ever that once those flames die, he does too. Combine this with my friend Lynnette's reminder that the producers sure did hammer us over the head with Adam and Eve's skeletons again...and you get how I think they will try to kill Smokey. I think that Jack, downloaded with the power of the holy island spirit, has come to this conclusion. I think he'll send Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer to go dispose of said skeleton while he heads Smokey off before he can arrive at the light source. Of course, I don't think he's going to be successful in staving him off forever, but what we'll have is a "race to the finish" to see what happens first.

2.) Sharing is good - When the creepy mother person said that there's a little of that island "source light" in everybody, I think she may have given a clue as to what the finale may hold. Doc Jensen noticed this as well, and the theory holds that Jack will not be forced to remain the island's protector in perpetuity. Rather, he will decide that the best way to protect the light is to share it on a grander scale. I think he's going to find a way to share this with everyone. It sounds all fluffy and whatnot, but if done well it could be really powerful. There is a large, vocal contingency that feels Jack was given the throne a little early to have him keep it. I disagree, but this may be a way to give us a more happy ending. Of course, having typed that, I now disagree with myself. So, I'm calling bull on my own prediction having just made it.

3.) Desmond-splosion! - So help me God if they brought Des back just to have another purple flash in the sky... My theory is this: Jack loses his struggle with the Man in Black. Desmond gets involved to give the gang at the skeletons just enough time to get the burning over with. I want to see something really crazy and unexpected for the finale, something like Desmond fighting the Man in Black in various realities at the same time, unloading some crazy electromagnetic energy on him Return of the Jedi style, or at least going supernova (without the wimpy purple sky). I so badly want this build-up of Desmond's importance to be really paid off. Somehow, I have this feeling it's going to be like the "war" we never got. I sound angry, but I'm not. Honest. I'm just realistic.

4.) Crisis on infinite earths - Knock on wood but 2 days from the finale I remain spoiler free. The only thing I've let myself hear are brief things like the producers saying "the last 2 and a half hours will change the way you see the entire series." I like that. Especially because I think there's a neat trick they can do with it. What if what we've been seeing since the first episode hasn't been centered in one universe but MANY universes. What if the flashbacks weren't always in one reality, but many realities. We keep thinking that either the flash sideways OR the island time will survive...but what if they both are very much real. What if we've been floating around all sorts of realities? I personally like this a lot.

5.) Sideways to the rescue - I don't know how, but I agree with my cousin when he suggested that the sideways gang with Desmond as Hannibal from "The A-Team" is going to somehow save the island when the island fails in that reality. How, I don't know, but I'm guessing it has something to do with the underwater island. Where did the light go? Is it out in that world? Tough to say. I like that I'm in the dark on this one because I feel like there's a little life left in this march to the finish. I hope the sideways is a massive payoff that makes us all feel stupid for loathing it.

Okay. That's it. That's all of my predictions for the finale. I know they're meager, but I want to be surprised so I think I'm semi-shutting my brain off for now. I want to kick it into high gear once the show starts, but I really want to enjoy this experience. For those who didn't see, apparently the producers are going to include a little 20 minute segment on the DVD of the sixth season explaining a few loose ends they "didn't have time for." On the one hand, cool. On the other, "didn't have time for?" Weren't you douchebags the ones who set your own timeline? Uh, why didn't you just finish it in the regular season. Let me help you: cut out the second episode of this season and you have enough time to get to everything. Sorry.

Enough complaining! I'm going to seriously banish every complaint and criticism for now. When the show is over, some time after it's over, I will look back as critically as possible and pass grander judgment. For now, I'm going to kick back and enjoy a moment 6 years in the making. Share it with people you love and share it here.

Speak now or forever hold your piece, if you have a prediction...it's now or never.

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