Ryan's Junk Drawer

I love short weeks almost as much as I love short shorts (wearing them right now, babies). Thanks to the magic of governmental holidays, we're already at Thursday, even though it feels like it should be Wednesday (but I wish it was a Friday...f**k Monday and Tuesday, those guys are assholes). What this really means is that even though you feel like you JUST got to look at my junk, you get to see it again! Obviously, this is a clever ruse. I use phrases like "see my junk," even though what I really mean is that I'm just showing you movie tidbits that are too small to warrant their own blog post. I think it's clever. It's certainly more clever than Alanis Morissette changing the most infamous words of her most popular song on American Idol to "We should go down with you to the theater." Anyhoodle, we begin this weekly exercise in goofing around under the guise of movie news reporting by examining the creeptacular image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I then select one item at random, write a fictional and really weird backstory for it, and then move into what you actually came here to see. Why? Who knows why? It's something I did once and it amused me, like that time you voted for Nader. Only it stuck. Unlike that time you voted for Nader. Today's item is the green and red tube in the lower right corner. For years, people have wondered about the magic that goes into puppet/muppet creation. The simple explanation of "it's someone's hand up there" seemed too easy. Indeed, it was. Klaus decided to figure it out for himself, not content with the "puppeteer proctologist" answer. After feigning an attempt to learn his ABCs, he was confronted by a helpful, overly cheery, fuzzy, googly eyed bastard named Elko. Elko's skin came off easy. Almost too easy. What lay beneath horrified Klaus beyond all belief. Oh, there was a hand all right. A hand covered in a green cloth of some kind, like a protective suit. But it was JUST a hand. There was no body behind it. The free-floating, speaking hand soon died without its muppet covering. But Klaus kept it, as a reminder not to mess with that we do not understand.

Okay, that's enough shenanigans, time for some movie tidbits!

1.) There's a hole in the bucket, at Marvel, at Marvel...- Yesterday was a big day for my friend Matt. Matt's a Captain America lover, which is to say he adores the comic book character, not that he's a ranking officer who wants to sleep with the United States. Thus, it was exciting for him to see this:
That's leaked concept art for Chris Evans as Captain America. That sound you heard was Matt french kissing his computadora. I think it's absolutely spot on, personally. (A) He's bringing back utility belts, (B) it sure does look period-acceptable...again, that means it looks like it could be made in the 1940s, not that he should wear it during that time of the month, and (C) it feels like, well, Captain America! After he calmed his mess, Matt turned his attention to wanting to know what the Red Skull looks like (spoiler alert: He has a red skull). In due time, my overeager beaver, in due time. Instead, we got more leaked concept art! This time of the Norseman!
As you can see, that's what the Thor costume is going to look like. I have a bit harder time finding this one "period appropriate," and I do want to know if they're just ditching the helmet (this lack of a helmet and Cap's bucket-covered-dome must be indicative of Marvel's new "nobody gets friggin' wings on their heads anymore" editorial policy). Comic dudes, help me out a bit...this is Greg Land art, right? There are people discussing the validity of these despite resembling both on-set descriptions by people who have seen them and the photo of Thor we saw. The fact that both seem to be done by Marvel painter/artist Greg Land tells me that these are accurate. I'm pumped for both of these films, potentially more than The Avengers. The key is that they have to make us care for these guys on screen BEFORE we care for them in a massive superhero orgy. Take note, dudes: You still have to get these individual films right.

2.) Jennifer Aniston may or may not be a screamer - The following report quickly went up and was quickly denied by people "in the know." Why am I still posting it? Because reps for celebrities are dirty, dirty, dirty liars. They are so untrustworthy that lots of girls I know from high school want to date them and I want to elect them. The rumor was (albeit from "Star Magazine") that J-Ant was going to be in Scream 4.

She would be playing the Drew Barrymore-type role of "big name actress who gets all murderdeathkilled in the first scene." Her reps instantly denied it, which means it still may be true. Sure, it's easy to dismiss Star Magazine (and we've been told to do so by her agents), but consider these three facts: (1) Courtney Cox, J-Ant's good friend, is in the film; (2) it would REALLY help her "buzz factor" and for those who think she doesn't need it, her biggest movie has been the one with the dog who dies; and (3) you would HAVE to deny it to keep the surprise. I'm not saying it's happening (or that I care...even though I've kind of wanted her to die on screen since Along Came Polly), but it could be...it could be.

3.) The Crow reboot is nothing to squawk about - So the producer of the latest attempt to revive the goth-perfect 90s cult hit The Crow, which should really be left to be a fond memory and a great comic, has begun describing the impending abomination. MTV talked to Ed Pressman, who said things that I think he thought would help us get excited. They didn't. Apparently, the film moves back and forth from the Southwest U.S. to Detroit. Whatever. What bothers me is the next quote: "The Crow itself is a creature in this movie— it’s not just a bird…It’s got a personality and a character. Not like Godzilla exactly, but it’s very different [and has] a more active role in the story." It's "not like Godzilla EXACTLY?" In what f**king way IS IT like Godzilla then? Are you kidding me? Clearly they've seen into the heart of the story written by a guy who really had his girlfriend get murdered and experienced untold pain and rage and decided it needed to be more like a movie with a guy in a rubber suit. I know this is just a producer who probably only skimmed the draft, but whoever first uttered the word Godzilla in association with this project needs to be eye shanked.

4.) Chloe Moretz to kick ass in Nebraska? - Well, no. Variety says that the incredibly talented young actress (who I pray goes the Dakota Fanning/Abigail Breslin direction and not the Jodi Sweetin direction) is going to star in Hick, based on the novel of the same name. Nebraskans will be flattered to know that she'll play a 13-year-old native of the state, and outraged to think that people consider Nebraskans to be hicks. The book was apparently written by someone who's never been below the Mason-Dixon line. Anyway, terrible, terrible things happen to this 13-year-old who is abandoned by her loser parents and tries to trek across the country with just her pistol and belief that nobody will do unspeakable things to her (spoiler alert: they do). The kid's a great actress, and it's gotta be hard finding roles that fit...but if they want to go ahead and soften some of the events that occur, I'm okay with that. I'll always think of her having kick-ass fun in Kick Ass, like this:
I don't need to think of her like Fanning in Hound Dog. Ugh.

5.) Trailers, Parked - If you start anywhere other than with the new Scott Pilgrim vs the World trailer, you suck. I don't want to suck. This movie also will not suck. I love the feel of the whole thing, from the over-video-gamed style to the delightfully whimsical visuals. This is going to be a love-it-or-hate-it affair, and we nerds must brace for the fact that it likely will not find the mass audience it deserves. This won't be for lack of our trying to get people to see it though. I love Edgar Wright so much that I hope it makes a bazillion dollars.



Finally, we have the second Dinner for Schmucks trailer, which confirms my suspicion that it is going to make the pee come out. I love Steve Carell best in his decisive roles, the ones where he's either totally insane (Brick from Anchorman) or totally normal (Dan in Real Life). I find Paul Rudd is the best whenever he does anything. Dude love is cool.



Follow me on Twitter!