When given the chance, YOU WORK WITH PTA

Speaking as someone whose best chance of working for PTA will come after I have children, when PTA (Paul Thomas Anderson) asks you to join his film...YOU JOIN HIS FILM. I don't care if the role is "mute who stands in the corner touching himself," if someone who may end up being this generation's Stanley Kubrick asks you to partake in his vision, you drop whatever lame-ass romantic-comedy, talking-dog tentpole, or reimagined TV-series-turned-movie you were working on and get your ass to whatever whacked out location he is using. Why am I ranting about the need to bow to every whim of the man behind Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Punch Drunk Love, and There Will Be Blood? Because The Playlist is reporting that PTA is no longer waiting for a studio to come to their senses and fund the project, he's putting his damn cast together NOW. As all proper devotees of this writer/director/demigod know, his next inevitable masterpiece is about Scientology. Except, it's not called Scientology to avoid getting sued, but it may as well be called Schmientology in the film it's that obvious. Philip Seymour Hoffman is playing "The Master" (L Ron Hubbard...I mean, J Don Blubbard) and Jeremy Renner is also set to star. It's time to add the ladies, and PTA is beginning with a doozy. The role of Hoffman's wife (in the movies, in real life NOBODY touches Philip Seymour Hoffman because, you know, gross) has been offered to....
This is great, because someone really needs to keep Reese from doing something like Four Christmases 2 (would that be 8 Christmases or is there some kind of multiplier I'm forgetting). As for the role of the daughter of Witherspoon and Hoffman (again, in the movie, because in real life, Hoffman doesn't even have genitals), there are three actresses in contention:

Deborah Ann Woll

Amanda Seyfried

Emma Stone

Now, that Deborah (I believe it's pronounced deb-ORR-ahh, like on MILF Island) is out because...hellooooo did you see those teeth? Right, I'm being told she's a vampire on "True Blood" and that's why she looks like that. My apologies, now she's out because she stars on "True Blood." Seyfried is probably out unless PTA includes a plot that involves her writing letters or reading letters or stealing letters from someone she loves in some way (and unless it's "Nicholas Sparks presents Schmientology). So that conveniently leaves the only person who should be considered: EMMA STONE! You know my love for her, you know her talent in my eyes, and you know that I love PTA for coming to the same conclusion. Further proof the man is a genius.

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