Thursday, July 1, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

If you're like me, which would really help you to enjoy reading this blog but could greatly damage your chances at happiness in life, then you celebrate the fourth of July weekend with the kind of reckless abandon reserved only for participants in a Toby Keith video. Thus, I'm so pumped on this Thursday that I can barely wait to just show you my junk so I can get on with it! Obviously, by junk I mean movie tidbits that are too small to warrant their own blog post and not the man firework in my pants. Much like Americans celebrate their independence by encouraging rednecks to injure themselves with gunpowder, I celebrate my junk by taking a look at the image above (the creepiest junk drawer in the world, taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN). I then choose one item and write a ridiculous story about it. Today's item is the white glow in the back of the drawer. Although for years it was suspected that Michael Jackson had been bleaching his skin to make it more white, the truth was something far, far more sinister. An alien parasite from the planet Bleepblorp found that the best way to hide itself was in plain sight, as the white skin taking over the most famous face in the world. Little did the alien realize the terrible, terrible things it would be forced to watch and endure. By the time it realized that the plastic surgery had permanently enjoined it to the face of the freakazoid, it also knew that the only release would come at the death of the King of Pop. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, it wasn't a doctor or drugs or Tito that killed MJ, it was the secret face alien that made his skin white now living in a junk drawer just waiting for a new celebrity to parasite on to!

Okay, now that we've done that, let's get to some movie news!

1.) Meryl Streep would still like another Oscar please - Hey, let's NOT make a joke about how Meryl Streep is always nominated for an Oscar and never wins and say we did, okay? You know why that joke is effing stupid? Because Sandra Bullock just won an Oscar. We're so afraid of OVER-recognizing Meryl Streep (who hasn't won an Oscar since before Miley was just a mistake Billy Ray hadn't made yet) that we do things like give Sandra Bullock an Oscar. Think about that for a moment. I mention this because I think recognizing the best actress perhaps of all time is a good idea, and clearly she thinks so too. Why do I think she's still statue hunting? Because THR is reporting that Streep will play Margaret Thatcher in a film about the 1982 conflict between England and Argentina over the Falkland Islands. I was 4 when that happened, so I don't remember it, but I can only assume it went a little something like this:

Thatcher: Eat our crumpets you Argentinian swine!
Argentinian Person in Charge: Suck it, limey!
Thatcher: Blood pudding!
Argentinian: Our country has a good soccer team!
Thatcher: TEA!
Argentinian: What's a Falkland?

Annnnnnnnd SCENE! You're welcome for your new Oscar, Meryl.

2.) Note: It takes 20 years for your career to recover from public masturbation - We now have an official tally on the penance needed after jerking your gerkin in a public way whilst wearing a bow tie. After 20 years of being a cult classic that nerds of a certain age remember, Variety says that Judd Apataow is producing a new Pee-Wee Herman movie. Nobody knows what the plot is, and I don't so much know that anybody cares. There's a charm to the character that I don't think has disappeared, so it's entirely possible that someone like Apatow, who has fallen into a fairly predictable pattern, working with weird material like this could really hit one out of the park. Depends on the director, though. You know, Tim Burton did direct a Pee-Wee endeavor of some note. I now present "Pitching the idea of directing a new Pee-Wee movie to Tim Burton"

Tim Burton: How do you feel about black?
Pee-Wee: I don't really wear black.
Tim Burton: How do you feel about being played by Johnny Depp?
Pee-Wee: No, this is a Pee-Wee movie, so Pee-Wee will have to be in it...and I'm Pee-Wee.
Tim Burton: We could have Helena Bonham Carter play you.
Pee-Wee: That wouldn't....
Tim Burton: And we'll give her really ridiculously huge feet!
Pee-Wee: Why?
Tim Burton: And there will be lots of pale people looking sad!
Pee-Wee: I'm okay with that one.

Annnnnnd SCENE!

3.) Donald Glover still not white for Spider-man - Slashfilm has done a great write up of the latest Spider-news, including this awesome image of the rumored winner of the mask alongside an illustration of Peter Parker.

You'll notice they're both honkeys. Although the whole Donald Glover for Spider-man campaign was never really going to win out, it does surprise me that the studio never acknowledged it, especially given the fervor of the fanbase and the relationship Sony has with Donald Glover (they own "Community"). As far as the choice, it appears to be Josh Hutcheson (Hutcherson? I don't remember and I'm too lazy to find out). It's not an exciting choice, but they don't want to excite us with this remake. They want to bore the crap out of us for some reason. I imagine the discussion to go something like this:

Studio Executive 1: You know what we should do?
Studio Executive 2: Shake up the casting?! Cast a talented young black actor with great comedic timing and show we're imaginative and make the remake mean something?!
Studio Executive 1: I was going to say get the dude with the tiny nipples from Twilight to make a cameo, because the tweens would flip their shit.
Studio Executive 2: Waaaaay better idea. Someone get us tiny nipples on the phone!!

Annnnnnd SCENE!

4.) Lindelof returns! - "Lost" is still dividing fanbases and causing all kinds of great geek discussions. I still loved the finale, and the show as a whole, and I still think Damon Lindelof kind of needs a good nut shot. Dude, fess up to f**king things up a little and we'd probably cut you a break. Instead, he's constantly taking shots at his critics, showing how thin-skinned he can be about things. He usually uses his twitter to wildly swing at his verbal assailants, which is too bad because I think the guy is really talented and quite funny...if about 10 shades of too insecure. So I usually read his twitter to see what thinly-veiled "leave me alone, we done good with 'Lost' dammit" quote he gives me that day. The other day, he posted this:

That's right, he's going to begin working on the Star Trek 2 script. It won't be called Star Trek 2 or even Star Trek XIVIVI or whatever it would be according to the original numbering. It will be something with a colon, much like mammals. What's the plot? Who's the villain? Only Damon knows! And his thought process...goes a little something like this:

Damon Lindelof: Having Khan be the villain is the way to go.
Damon Lindelof: Damon, you're awesome, nobody knows how awesome you are.
Damon Lindelof: I am, in fact, pretty awesome.
Damon Lindelof: Did you hear that some guy mentioned on a forum that having Khan would be a terrible idea.
Damon Lindelof: QUICKLY DAMON LINDELOF, TO THE TWITTER! I'll tear that faceless Internet doubter a new asshole in 140 characters or less if it's the last thing I'll do!

Annnnnndddddd SCENE!! Okay, I'm done with those for today.

5.) Trailers, parked - Hoooooo DOGGIES do we have some good ones today! First up is Let Me In, the American remake of the best Swedish vampire film ever. Guess what? It not only looks good, it looks faithful. I think somehow, against all odds, they may have found the perfect way to adapt it, being incredibly accurate to the original while still bringing something new to it. I kind of am getting excited. Who would have thought?!


Rango is a movie in which Johnny Depp voices a lizard that looks like he did while playing Hunter Thompson. If you don't like that, I have nothing for you.



Space Battleship Yamato translates roughly into "We kick you in the face with action, okay?" Somehow this adaptation of the 1980s beloved (?) animated series looks on point. What say you all?



The Social Network also dropped a trailer this week, making it one more thing I have to talk about. Seriously, this blog post is HUUUUUUGE today. It's Aaron Sorkin writing, so I'm there, even if it's about the facebook.



That's it for me today, folks. I hope you enjoyed my massive junk. Let's meet here tomorrow and discuss the weekend, mmmmkay?

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