Bringing sexy back

First off, good Monday mornin' to ya. I followed last week's business week productive output with a productive weekend, so I'm on what they call in my world "a roll." Other than the Chicago Bears doing their best impression of the Washington Generals, I have few complaints. I have a headache, but it's nothing to write about...which I just did. Anyway, on to the light quantities of movie news that have emerged like a fart bubble in a bath this weekend.

Let's just go ahead and definitively state that if you are the human responsible for Sex and the City 2, you should just thank God we don't live in a region that endorses public stoning or your days would consist of ducking rocks. You should not, however, be allowed to make another movie with a high-profile cast that ensures your return to a position whereby you can deploy more refuse upon the world. The following ladies have agreed to support the career of a man (Michael Patrick King) who so clearly hates all women that he created Sex and the City 2 just to show them how wretched and lowly he finds them.

Those two are somewhat expected for what is described as an ensemble-based piece involving the Home Shopping Network (wow, sorry I was disparaging earlier, this sounds awesome...awesome means bowel-emptying right?). The final piece though is the one that will get attention.
Boom. There it is. Enjoy the fresh bowl of crap you're about to be fed, ladies. Just tell yourself it tastes like chicken.

Follow me on Twitter.

Weekend Wrap-up: Nothing happened, so let's make a list!

I'm not going to lie to you, I love you far too much for that (don't ever leave me). The truth is that nothing happened over the weekend. Like, nothing, nothing. Like what's between Glen Beck's ears. Like what could keep me from Natalie Portman's side if she wanted me there. Like the inherent moral or social value of the Twilight saga. Nada. Not a casting scoop, not a leaked picture from the set of a comic book movie, not a rumor about how the second villain in Batman 3 is going to be King Tut or Captain Crunch. Nothing.

This is a rather unfortunate development for someone tasked with writing something about movies every day. Fear not, though, as I will not let a Monday devoid of information ruin what is sure to be a week of infinite productivity! Instead, I will engage in that time-honored tradition that all bloggers depend on when there's a void in rumors and news: I will make an arbitrary list based solely on my feeble opinion, present it here with some kind of false bravado and authority, and see if anybody finds such a thing worthy of discussion or consideration. Oh, and I'll include some pictures, because everybody loves pictures. This is actually going to be a thing I'll do more often coming up if only because news is slowing and I like making lists.

I wanted originally to start with something clever like "the top 5 death scenes involving farm equipment" or something unique like that. But it is Monday, so my brain is one step behind me, watching me from the shadows. So instead, let's give you the list that sort of started me thinking about lists these days, which is the top 5 actresses of this generation. I shall define this generation as those whose career started as early as as the late 70s/early 80s through today. Why? Because I said so. I think there are a ton of possibilities here, but let's see if I can't make something definitive and stir up trouble. Be sure to point out how wrong I am because, spoiler alert, I don't have Meryl Streep at number one.

Here we go.

5.) Naomi Watts

My serious take: Effortlessly gorgeous and insanely talented, this Aussie lass laps circles around the somehow more-respected Nicole Kidman. Her unique ability to blend naive innocence with eyes that never betray her as an actress is only exceeded by the four other ladies in this list. She may not have risen to the level of respect her talent deserves, but she's still making quality work, so there's still hope.

My funny take: In her dreams, Kidman is played by Naomi Watts.

For proof see: Mullholland Drive, 21 Grams, and Eastern Promises

4.) Cate Blanchett

My serious take: What kind of a list are you dealing with when Cate Blanchett isn't at the top of it? Yowza. Blanchett weighs all of a water-logged twinkie, but can command a scene like she's morbidly obese. Her controlled, measured voice combines with her regal look to deliver knock-out after knock-out. I truly do not know if she's capable of a bad performance. She had a look, just one look, in Benjamin Button that should have won an Oscar. She's a goddess, and we aren't worthy.

My funny take: If I met Blanchett and she told me to punch myself in the junk, I'd be speaking Alvin-and-the-Chipmunks-style for a week.

For proof see: Elizabeth, The Aviator, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

3.) Meryl Streep

My serious take: This isn't for dramatic effect or anything. Streep is untouchable. I get that. She can do anything at any time. If they wanted her to play a piece of drywall, she'd find a way. I know. She's had a flawless career, shows no sign of slowing, and is beyond reproach. She also gets all the best shots at things and has plateaued a bit. Her reputation is only slightly ahead of the massive talent she represents. Her presence is such that I'm defending why she's only number 3 on a list like this, which is pretty impressive.

My funny take: I truly believe that this is how I would really rank these talented ladies, but I guarantee if anything cheeses anyone off, it's going to be this ranking here. Streep defenders are a lethal, gun-toting bunch.

For proof see: Any Meryl Streep movie that isn't It's Complicated (and she's actually pretty good in that too.)

2.) Kate Winslet
My serious take: Who knew when she made Titanic that we would be honoring her over and over again all these years later. She's so incredible that I would have given her the Oscar for The Reader, and that was my pick for worst movie of the year. Her ability is such that she is a colossal, world-ending beauty who makes you forget that. She so fully sinks into her craft that one is never left contemplating her as a movie star, only as a character. She's incredible.

My funny take: She did a movie with Cameron Diaz and I still like her.

For proof see: Revolutionary Road, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and Little Children

1.) Julianne Moore
My serious take: If you can watch the scene of her on the bed with Heather Graham in Boogie Nights and honestly tell me you're not watching the best actress of our generation, I will slap you in the face. She's breathtaking consistently and has shown that she can do comedy (The Big Lebowski), right alongside drama (Far From Heaven), right alongside action/sci-fi (Children of Men). She's a red-headed angel, a once-in-a-lifetime talent, and we gave Sandra F**king Bullock an Oscar before her.

My funny take: Sandra F**king Bullock. Seriously. Think about that.

For proof see: Boogie Nights, The Big Lebowski, Children of Men, and Magnolia

Okay, so that's it for this list. It's not incredibly detailed nor is it well researched or argued. It's just my opinion on a slow-news Monday. Have at it, y'all.

Follow me on Twitter!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

If you're like me, which would really help you to enjoy reading this blog but could greatly damage your chances at happiness in life, then you celebrate the fourth of July weekend with the kind of reckless abandon reserved only for participants in a Toby Keith video. Thus, I'm so pumped on this Thursday that I can barely wait to just show you my junk so I can get on with it! Obviously, by junk I mean movie tidbits that are too small to warrant their own blog post and not the man firework in my pants. Much like Americans celebrate their independence by encouraging rednecks to injure themselves with gunpowder, I celebrate my junk by taking a look at the image above (the creepiest junk drawer in the world, taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN). I then choose one item and write a ridiculous story about it. Today's item is the white glow in the back of the drawer. Although for years it was suspected that Michael Jackson had been bleaching his skin to make it more white, the truth was something far, far more sinister. An alien parasite from the planet Bleepblorp found that the best way to hide itself was in plain sight, as the white skin taking over the most famous face in the world. Little did the alien realize the terrible, terrible things it would be forced to watch and endure. By the time it realized that the plastic surgery had permanently enjoined it to the face of the freakazoid, it also knew that the only release would come at the death of the King of Pop. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, it wasn't a doctor or drugs or Tito that killed MJ, it was the secret face alien that made his skin white now living in a junk drawer just waiting for a new celebrity to parasite on to!

Okay, now that we've done that, let's get to some movie news!

1.) Meryl Streep would still like another Oscar please - Hey, let's NOT make a joke about how Meryl Streep is always nominated for an Oscar and never wins and say we did, okay? You know why that joke is effing stupid? Because Sandra Bullock just won an Oscar. We're so afraid of OVER-recognizing Meryl Streep (who hasn't won an Oscar since before Miley was just a mistake Billy Ray hadn't made yet) that we do things like give Sandra Bullock an Oscar. Think about that for a moment. I mention this because I think recognizing the best actress perhaps of all time is a good idea, and clearly she thinks so too. Why do I think she's still statue hunting? Because THR is reporting that Streep will play Margaret Thatcher in a film about the 1982 conflict between England and Argentina over the Falkland Islands. I was 4 when that happened, so I don't remember it, but I can only assume it went a little something like this:

Thatcher: Eat our crumpets you Argentinian swine!
Argentinian Person in Charge: Suck it, limey!
Thatcher: Blood pudding!
Argentinian: Our country has a good soccer team!
Thatcher: TEA!
Argentinian: What's a Falkland?

Annnnnnnnd SCENE! You're welcome for your new Oscar, Meryl.

2.) Note: It takes 20 years for your career to recover from public masturbation - We now have an official tally on the penance needed after jerking your gerkin in a public way whilst wearing a bow tie. After 20 years of being a cult classic that nerds of a certain age remember, Variety says that Judd Apataow is producing a new Pee-Wee Herman movie. Nobody knows what the plot is, and I don't so much know that anybody cares. There's a charm to the character that I don't think has disappeared, so it's entirely possible that someone like Apatow, who has fallen into a fairly predictable pattern, working with weird material like this could really hit one out of the park. Depends on the director, though. You know, Tim Burton did direct a Pee-Wee endeavor of some note. I now present "Pitching the idea of directing a new Pee-Wee movie to Tim Burton"

Tim Burton: How do you feel about black?
Pee-Wee: I don't really wear black.
Tim Burton: How do you feel about being played by Johnny Depp?
Pee-Wee: No, this is a Pee-Wee movie, so Pee-Wee will have to be in it...and I'm Pee-Wee.
Tim Burton: We could have Helena Bonham Carter play you.
Pee-Wee: That wouldn't....
Tim Burton: And we'll give her really ridiculously huge feet!
Pee-Wee: Why?
Tim Burton: And there will be lots of pale people looking sad!
Pee-Wee: I'm okay with that one.

Annnnnnd SCENE!

3.) Donald Glover still not white for Spider-man - Slashfilm has done a great write up of the latest Spider-news, including this awesome image of the rumored winner of the mask alongside an illustration of Peter Parker.

You'll notice they're both honkeys. Although the whole Donald Glover for Spider-man campaign was never really going to win out, it does surprise me that the studio never acknowledged it, especially given the fervor of the fanbase and the relationship Sony has with Donald Glover (they own "Community"). As far as the choice, it appears to be Josh Hutcheson (Hutcherson? I don't remember and I'm too lazy to find out). It's not an exciting choice, but they don't want to excite us with this remake. They want to bore the crap out of us for some reason. I imagine the discussion to go something like this:

Studio Executive 1: You know what we should do?
Studio Executive 2: Shake up the casting?! Cast a talented young black actor with great comedic timing and show we're imaginative and make the remake mean something?!
Studio Executive 1: I was going to say get the dude with the tiny nipples from Twilight to make a cameo, because the tweens would flip their shit.
Studio Executive 2: Waaaaay better idea. Someone get us tiny nipples on the phone!!

Annnnnnd SCENE!

4.) Lindelof returns! - "Lost" is still dividing fanbases and causing all kinds of great geek discussions. I still loved the finale, and the show as a whole, and I still think Damon Lindelof kind of needs a good nut shot. Dude, fess up to f**king things up a little and we'd probably cut you a break. Instead, he's constantly taking shots at his critics, showing how thin-skinned he can be about things. He usually uses his twitter to wildly swing at his verbal assailants, which is too bad because I think the guy is really talented and quite funny...if about 10 shades of too insecure. So I usually read his twitter to see what thinly-veiled "leave me alone, we done good with 'Lost' dammit" quote he gives me that day. The other day, he posted this:

That's right, he's going to begin working on the Star Trek 2 script. It won't be called Star Trek 2 or even Star Trek XIVIVI or whatever it would be according to the original numbering. It will be something with a colon, much like mammals. What's the plot? Who's the villain? Only Damon knows! And his thought process...goes a little something like this:

Damon Lindelof: Having Khan be the villain is the way to go.
Damon Lindelof: Damon, you're awesome, nobody knows how awesome you are.
Damon Lindelof: I am, in fact, pretty awesome.
Damon Lindelof: Did you hear that some guy mentioned on a forum that having Khan would be a terrible idea.
Damon Lindelof: QUICKLY DAMON LINDELOF, TO THE TWITTER! I'll tear that faceless Internet doubter a new asshole in 140 characters or less if it's the last thing I'll do!

Annnnnndddddd SCENE!! Okay, I'm done with those for today.

5.) Trailers, parked - Hoooooo DOGGIES do we have some good ones today! First up is Let Me In, the American remake of the best Swedish vampire film ever. Guess what? It not only looks good, it looks faithful. I think somehow, against all odds, they may have found the perfect way to adapt it, being incredibly accurate to the original while still bringing something new to it. I kind of am getting excited. Who would have thought?!


Rango is a movie in which Johnny Depp voices a lizard that looks like he did while playing Hunter Thompson. If you don't like that, I have nothing for you.



Space Battleship Yamato translates roughly into "We kick you in the face with action, okay?" Somehow this adaptation of the 1980s beloved (?) animated series looks on point. What say you all?



The Social Network also dropped a trailer this week, making it one more thing I have to talk about. Seriously, this blog post is HUUUUUUGE today. It's Aaron Sorkin writing, so I'm there, even if it's about the facebook.



That's it for me today, folks. I hope you enjoyed my massive junk. Let's meet here tomorrow and discuss the weekend, mmmmkay?

Friday Free-For-All

Step-Brothers will satisfy your Will Ferrell scrotum curiosity

Look for my full review in Thursday's edition of The Reader, but here's a quick suggestion for those thinking about seeing Step-Brothers: Don't. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, who were actually funny together in Talladega Nights, prove that too much of a good thing can make you want to die inside. Director Adam McKay refuses to reign in the improvising, which means scenes that would be amusing for a minute are stretched into 10 minutes of comedy-free discomfort. Moreover, with absolutely no plot, no likable characters, no technical moviemaking skills and way, way, way too much of Ferrell's breeding bag, the whole thing feels like a homemade movie crafted by two kids who just learned how to curse. It's more amusing than Semi-Pro, but so are most war crime tribunals. I don't want to settle on an official grade for the movie yet, but something tells me that the first few letters of the alphabet can go ahead and take the weekend off.

Weekend battle plan - Have you heard about this Dark Knight movie?

In an effort to try new things, we'll try to post suggestions for weekend film consumption every Friday based on things we've already seen. What I'm saying is, two people shouldn't have to see X-Files: I Want to Believe.

In theaters - Yeah, chances are you'll either see Batman again or for the first time if the line of nerds dressed in leather and clown paint scared you away last weekend. Oh, and just so you know, if anyone shows up dressed in murder-clown face paint this weekend, it isn't for the Batman premiere and you have full permission to call the authorities. That said, if you aren't going to see or re-see The Bat, avoid Step-Brothers and X-Files. Give Hellboy 2 some more love, it really deserves it. You won't find a more visually entertaining film all summer (yeah, Batman's pretty but Hellboy is pretty to look at without making you want to pee with fear). Oh, and your mom will go ga-ga for Mamma Mia! So earn some brownie points with that.

To recap: See The Dark Knight, Hellboy 2 and Mamma Mia! and avoid Step-Brothers and X-Files.

On DVD: Rent or buy Spaced, the funniest British thing on television since the Margaret Thatcher Wacky Fun-Time Hour. Also, 21 isn't bad, but you can do better.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Another weekly offering will see me taking a stab at weekend totals for the top 5 flicks. If I'm right, I win a pony. If I'm wrong, the pony dies. No pressure.

1. The Dark Knight - $75 million

A 50% drop would be incredible, but I think it could do even better. I wouldn't be surprised if it did in the neighborhood of 80-90 million, but I'm a Spider-man fan, so I won't give Batman the satisfaction of that prediction. This flick has an outside (and I do mean outside) chance at beating Titanic's $600 million tally. After this weekend, it should be over $300 million with very little competition in the coming months to challenge it. If the heat doesn't burn off too fast, it could become at least the second-highest grosser ever (right now that's Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope with $435 million). It's outpacing Pirates of the Caribbean 2 by nearly $40 million at this point, notable because that film ended up past $415 million and is the 6th highest grossing film of all time. What I'm trying to say is, Warner Brothers is raking in so much money, they can actually afford to gas up the batmobile.

2. Step-Brothers - $25 million

I warned you. Just remember that. I warned you.

3. Mamma Mia! - $17 million

Meryl Streep is an unstoppable juggernaut who will scissor-kick you in the face if you don't take your mom to see this movie. In the name of ABBA, this film will continue to rake in the dough.

4. X-Files: I Want to Believe - $15 million

I want things too, X-Files, but we don't always get our way. Turns out, making a movie based on a TV show that's been off the air for the decade isn't a safe financial bet.

5. Journey to the Center of the Earth - $7 million

It was a fight between Hancock and Journey to see who grabbed the fifth spot. I couldn't bring myself to care, so I picked the one that didn't feature a head-in-the-ass joke.

That's all for this week gang, see you next week for more shenanigans and tomfoolery.