Thursday, July 8, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

Why, hello there, sexy beasts. I don't use that term lightly, either. I mean it. Each and every one of you readers is so full of the sexy, so infused by the might of the hotness, that you are legally considered lethal weapons of love. Even better, you made it to Thursday, which is Friday to me because I'm gone tomorrow. I'll try to give you some box office haikus later, but it's a busy day for daddy, so it may not happen.

The good news is, no matter how busy I am, I promise to always find time to show you my junk. Always. It's that important to me. Of course, despite your rampant sexitude, I actually mean movie tidbits and not the sort of junk you were thinking of. Sorry. We begin each Junk Drawer Day by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. We pick an item. We write a story that makes no sense about that item. We move on. By we, I mean me...and by move on, I mean start making weird jokes about something other than a drawing. Today's item was chosen by my wife. It should be noted, however, that Abbie's first choice was making the same joke I made about the item in the upper left corner being a small noose. Nothing brings a couple together quite like jokes about Smurf suicide. Anyway, today's item is the blue cylinder with a lightning bolt on it. At 13, Linus Bertram the third was chosen via lottery to try out a new government-created drug. Contained in a plutonium-laced canister painted with a lightning bolt to show how serious this all was, the product was liquefied in order to be quickly administered. The changes began immediately, within weeks gawky, awkward Linus grew giant, his arms expanding, his chest bulging. The military was pleased...until the side effects. Developing a wicked case of self-importance that could only be described as Nixonian, Linus also immediately shut down when things didn't go his way, refusing to participate on anyone else's terms. The project was a failure, as the colossal ego couldn't be contained by training or modern science. Left on his own, tortured by a self-importance so enormous his ego had an ego, young Linus LeBron James Bertram the third knew he had to find a hobby...quickly.

Okay, enough already, let's get on to it! Here are the top 5 non-major news stories of the week! Oh, and I mean that, this week is reaaaaaaalllly slow for news. Reaaaallllly slow. Like rreeeeeaaaaaaallll (you get the idea).

1.) Twilight straight-up killed a guy - This was sent to me by an anonymous reader who would totally get mad props if I knew who he/she was. In New Zealand, a country so filled with danger they are nicknamed after the cutest fruit imaginable, Twilight f**king killed someone. I'm serious. A 23-year-old male dropped dead while watching Eclipse, and the paramedics could not instantly find any reason why. Ladies out there saying "Oh, just come to the movie with me, I go to your movies," take notice: Our movies have never killed you. If you can show me a news clipping where some gentlewoman saw, I don't know, The A-Team and was carried out in a body bag, we'll be even. What's the worst that can happen if I go see Twilight? Oh, I don't know, I take a forever dirt nap! I'm cut down in the prime of my life by dialogue and concepts so wretched my cerebral cortex flips the self-destruct switch! My eyes see too much tiny nippled Tayler Lautner and somehow convince the rest of my body that it's not worth it! Seriously, though, this is a get-out-of-Twilight-free card if I've ever seen one. Thank you, anonymous reader, you're someone's hero now.

2.) What Wonder Woman was - If you haven't kept up on what happened to Wonder Woman recently, let me bring you up to speed: They've taken the best known super-heroine (for better or worse) and shat on her face. Now, I like J. Michael Straczynski, but what he done to that woman is just wrong. I'm not even a fan of the character that much but lawdy, lawdy you don't do this to a person, even a fictional one.
Hey, um, nice gloves. No, really, they're awesome and everything. They really match your ankle armor. Anyway, this isn't the movie news I wanted to share. Although, it's really close. See, a few years ago Joss Whedon was in charge of the Wonder Woman movie that never happened. It got to the point of designing outfits for the lady...and here they are:

The first one is classic looking, the second looks like a pervert from the Victorian era, the third just got back from the beach, and the fourth...well, I kind of like it. The real tragedy of all of this is that nobody writes a female super character like Joss Whedon, and WB in their infinite wisdom decided to kick him off the project...which has since gone absolutely nowhere. Nothing would please my heart quite as much as a quality big-market superhero for girls out there. Sadly, we're not moving in the right direction, are we?

3.) Not afraid to be bad - What I love about Denzel Washington, among other things, is his willingness to play rough. Although he exudes hero and charisma, he often walks on the dark side, and got an Oscar for doing so. Take note Tom Cruise. I know you're going to say he was a bad guy in Collateral...and you're right, but it was also clearly the lead role and it wasn't the kind of villain I'm talking about. Also, it was probably his best performance since Magnolia, so he should keep doing that. Take note, Tommy, Denzel STILL don't care: He's negotiating to play a prisoner who has to go on the run with an agent of some kind because they're attacked or something. It's called Safe House, and the only thing that makes this all noteworthy is that Denzel would once again be walking on the wrong side of the law. This is the exact kind of news my Junk Drawer was created for: News that makes you go, "well, okay."

4.) I kind of liked "Beavis and Butthead" but not in that way - I was never crazy about "Beavis and Butthead." I liked them a little, but not a lot.

See, it's kind of funny, but not consistently funny. I suppose as a satire of the times, it was pretty great, but all things considered I preferred "Daria." Anyway, Mike Judge is making more episodes, like 30 more, even though no one knows when or how they'll appear. I like Judge, Idiocracy was sadly underviewed, and if he has more funny to say via these two characters, I'll listen. Folks, I apologize that this particular blurb wasn't all that funny or entertaining. I'm pretty tired and plenty busy, so you'll have to excuse my declining steam. Toot toot.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, finally we have some trailers. First up is...hey, wait a minute, where did the trailers go? Okay, you know what? I'm sick of this week! There's NOTHING going on! No new trailers worth a crap came out this week! I mean, seriously! I can be funny, I like being funny. I can make something out of a little something, but I can't make something out of a big nothing. That's it, I'm done! I mean, not forever, but for today! This sucks!

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