Weekend Box Office Results: A good start...

Okay, nicely played. Inception is Leo's biggest opening weekend ever, it's one of the top weekends ever for an original movie, and it picked up business over the weekend (it didn't peak opening day). That's all well and good. Now, you're going to have to go see it multiple times, tell your friends and family to see it, and generally promote it like hell. Why? Because it's the easiest way to make sure that we're going to see more stuff like it. Just like the success of District 9 has lead to a slew of short-film directors getting their work optioned for movies, the success of Inception will allow for more artists to be given bigger canvases. It's in your hands, folks. Now, let's take a look at what I done this weekend.

Here's the box office results, haiku style:

1.) Inception - $60 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87.5%)

Not too bad so far
but we all can do better.
Let's keep it up, folks.

2.) Despicable Me - $32 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

A super-big hit,
this cost just $70 million.
It has doubled that.

3.) The Sorcerer's Apprentice - $17.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

Nice try, Nicholas,
but we are done with this crap.
You too, Bruckheimer.

4.) Twilight Eclipse - $13.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94.5%)

It is almost gone.
There is no better feeling,
than Twilight's absence.

5.) Toy Story 3 - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87.5%)

$400 million
is a possibility.
Not too shabby, toys.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 91.5%

I love the summer.
Not for the warmer weather,
I just score better.

Okay, that's it for today. Have a great Monday, y'all.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

This weekend, I am begging you to make Inception a big, fat, nasty hit. I mean like really freak the studios out with how much you are willing to spend to see an original, unique American movie that is totally inspired and thrilling. Buy tickets for friends, see it 7 times in a row, set records for this thing so that everyone realizes we can and will support the crap out of good, quality material. I could give a wet sparrow fart if you choose to see The Sorcerer's Apprentice but BY GOD get thee to Inception so many times that your wallet hurts from opening it too often.

Now, onto my predictions for Inception's success. Here's how I see the box office, haiku style.

1.) Inception - $75 million

This number is huge
for what is an art movie
disguised as action.

2.) Despicable Me - $35 million

People love this flick,
mostly for the yellow dudes.
That's just fine by me.

3.) The Sorcerer's Apprentice - $20 million

This is in trouble.
They are giving FREE tickets.
That is not a joke.

4.) Twilight: Eclipse - $15 million

Hey, stupid vampires,
you can't hang in the summer.
Now, leave my top 5.

5.) Toy Story 3 - $15 million

I still love Pixar,
no matter what others say.
A damn fine sequel.

WILDCARD - Predators - $14 million

It looks like a flop,
but thanks to a small budget,
it really isn't.

Okay, that's it. I'll be back later with an Inception review to knock your socks off of your ass. Wait...

Weekend Box Office Results: Daffy would be proud

Good weekend for the box office, as we're poised to enter the most promising weekend of the year (Inception weekend). Speaking of which, I'll be attending said premiere of that tonight and will be sure to give you my spoiler-free thoughts upon return! But now, back to the business behind us.

Despicable Me did well for itself, Predators proved that producing matters (it should be profitable by mid week), and Toy Story 3 is now the top-grossing Pixar movie ever. Eventful!

Here's what happened, haiku style:

1.) Despicable Me - $60 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

Animation rules!
At least in terms of 3D...
and beating Twilight.

2.) Twilight: Eclipse - $33 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Things are changing fast!
There is a big dropoff here!
It's almost over!!!!

3.) Predators - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

As I've said for years,
Action has only one name:
Adrien Brody

4.) Toy Story 3 - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

$400 million
Is a possibility.
Not bad for those toys.

5.) The Last Airbender - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Sequel talk will hinge
on the foreign box office.
It's up to you, France!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 90%

I am on fire, folks.
Just call me "The Predictor."
Actually, please don't.

Okay, that's it. Be good this Monday, you'll regret it!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Like I said, I'm outtie like a belly button technically, but through the magic of technology I am posting this today (Friday) even though I wrote it yesterday. It's magicalicious! This week brings us Steve Carrell in animated form using all 3 dimensions, the second weekend of the murderous Twilight: Eclipse, and Predators, which features Adrien Brody and his rippling muscles (for realz). Who will win this epic three-way? Wait, that didn't come out right.

Here's how I see it, haiku style:

1.) Despicable Me - $40 million

This is my hero.
Why? Because it will keep out
Twilight from first place.

2.) Twilight: Eclipse - $27 million

Suck on second place!
The fan base may be shrinking.
Your time is OVER!!!

3.) Predators - $21 million

I have heard good things.
No, wait, I'm serious here!
I tried, Adrien.

4.) Toy Story 3 - $17 million

Top of Pixar's list.
The other kid's flick will hurt.
You done good there, toys.

5.) The Last Airbender - $16 million

As soon as it came,
it quickly left us alone.
Try harder next time.

No wildcard this week, I feel that good about it. Okay, have a great weekend. I'll miss you all. Honest.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Why, hello there, sexy beasts. I don't use that term lightly, either. I mean it. Each and every one of you readers is so full of the sexy, so infused by the might of the hotness, that you are legally considered lethal weapons of love. Even better, you made it to Thursday, which is Friday to me because I'm gone tomorrow. I'll try to give you some box office haikus later, but it's a busy day for daddy, so it may not happen.

The good news is, no matter how busy I am, I promise to always find time to show you my junk. Always. It's that important to me. Of course, despite your rampant sexitude, I actually mean movie tidbits and not the sort of junk you were thinking of. Sorry. We begin each Junk Drawer Day by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. We pick an item. We write a story that makes no sense about that item. We move on. By we, I mean me...and by move on, I mean start making weird jokes about something other than a drawing. Today's item was chosen by my wife. It should be noted, however, that Abbie's first choice was making the same joke I made about the item in the upper left corner being a small noose. Nothing brings a couple together quite like jokes about Smurf suicide. Anyway, today's item is the blue cylinder with a lightning bolt on it. At 13, Linus Bertram the third was chosen via lottery to try out a new government-created drug. Contained in a plutonium-laced canister painted with a lightning bolt to show how serious this all was, the product was liquefied in order to be quickly administered. The changes began immediately, within weeks gawky, awkward Linus grew giant, his arms expanding, his chest bulging. The military was pleased...until the side effects. Developing a wicked case of self-importance that could only be described as Nixonian, Linus also immediately shut down when things didn't go his way, refusing to participate on anyone else's terms. The project was a failure, as the colossal ego couldn't be contained by training or modern science. Left on his own, tortured by a self-importance so enormous his ego had an ego, young Linus LeBron James Bertram the third knew he had to find a hobby...quickly.

Okay, enough already, let's get on to it! Here are the top 5 non-major news stories of the week! Oh, and I mean that, this week is reaaaaaaalllly slow for news. Reaaaallllly slow. Like rreeeeeaaaaaaallll (you get the idea).

1.) Twilight straight-up killed a guy - This was sent to me by an anonymous reader who would totally get mad props if I knew who he/she was. In New Zealand, a country so filled with danger they are nicknamed after the cutest fruit imaginable, Twilight f**king killed someone. I'm serious. A 23-year-old male dropped dead while watching Eclipse, and the paramedics could not instantly find any reason why. Ladies out there saying "Oh, just come to the movie with me, I go to your movies," take notice: Our movies have never killed you. If you can show me a news clipping where some gentlewoman saw, I don't know, The A-Team and was carried out in a body bag, we'll be even. What's the worst that can happen if I go see Twilight? Oh, I don't know, I take a forever dirt nap! I'm cut down in the prime of my life by dialogue and concepts so wretched my cerebral cortex flips the self-destruct switch! My eyes see too much tiny nippled Tayler Lautner and somehow convince the rest of my body that it's not worth it! Seriously, though, this is a get-out-of-Twilight-free card if I've ever seen one. Thank you, anonymous reader, you're someone's hero now.

2.) What Wonder Woman was - If you haven't kept up on what happened to Wonder Woman recently, let me bring you up to speed: They've taken the best known super-heroine (for better or worse) and shat on her face. Now, I like J. Michael Straczynski, but what he done to that woman is just wrong. I'm not even a fan of the character that much but lawdy, lawdy you don't do this to a person, even a fictional one.
Hey, um, nice gloves. No, really, they're awesome and everything. They really match your ankle armor. Anyway, this isn't the movie news I wanted to share. Although, it's really close. See, a few years ago Joss Whedon was in charge of the Wonder Woman movie that never happened. It got to the point of designing outfits for the lady...and here they are:

The first one is classic looking, the second looks like a pervert from the Victorian era, the third just got back from the beach, and the fourth...well, I kind of like it. The real tragedy of all of this is that nobody writes a female super character like Joss Whedon, and WB in their infinite wisdom decided to kick him off the project...which has since gone absolutely nowhere. Nothing would please my heart quite as much as a quality big-market superhero for girls out there. Sadly, we're not moving in the right direction, are we?

3.) Not afraid to be bad - What I love about Denzel Washington, among other things, is his willingness to play rough. Although he exudes hero and charisma, he often walks on the dark side, and got an Oscar for doing so. Take note Tom Cruise. I know you're going to say he was a bad guy in Collateral...and you're right, but it was also clearly the lead role and it wasn't the kind of villain I'm talking about. Also, it was probably his best performance since Magnolia, so he should keep doing that. Take note, Tommy, Denzel STILL don't care: He's negotiating to play a prisoner who has to go on the run with an agent of some kind because they're attacked or something. It's called Safe House, and the only thing that makes this all noteworthy is that Denzel would once again be walking on the wrong side of the law. This is the exact kind of news my Junk Drawer was created for: News that makes you go, "well, okay."

4.) I kind of liked "Beavis and Butthead" but not in that way - I was never crazy about "Beavis and Butthead." I liked them a little, but not a lot.



See, it's kind of funny, but not consistently funny. I suppose as a satire of the times, it was pretty great, but all things considered I preferred "Daria." Anyway, Mike Judge is making more episodes, like 30 more, even though no one knows when or how they'll appear. I like Judge, Idiocracy was sadly underviewed, and if he has more funny to say via these two characters, I'll listen. Folks, I apologize that this particular blurb wasn't all that funny or entertaining. I'm pretty tired and plenty busy, so you'll have to excuse my declining steam. Toot toot.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, finally we have some trailers. First up is...hey, wait a minute, where did the trailers go? Okay, you know what? I'm sick of this week! There's NOTHING going on! No new trailers worth a crap came out this week! I mean, seriously! I can be funny, I like being funny. I can make something out of a little something, but I can't make something out of a big nothing. That's it, I'm done! I mean, not forever, but for today! This sucks!

Weekend Box Office results: We're almost done with Twilight

With only 2 more insipid Twi-movies to endure, this last box office assault by the shiny vampires doesn't feel quite as bad. Oh, sure, the movie is that bad, even judging on a sliding scale like a lot of people seem to be doing, but the notion of this entire experience ALMOST being over is nice. Plus, as you all know, we are soooo close to seeing the batshit crazy ending to this whole shebang in blood-flicking 3D. Mmmmm. Other news of note: The Last Airbender is trying to survive, despite dialogue that feels like swimming in sulfuric acid. It may just cling to profitability long enough to become a series. If so, again let me remind the world that Shyamalan need not write to direct. Put him behind the camera and take his pen away.

Let's see how the weekend shaped up, haiku style:

1.) Twilight: Eclipse - $69 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

A box office dip,
means this will not beat New Moon.
Small victory, folks.

2.) The Last Airbender - $40.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

The fan base is big.
That or deaf people loved it.
All of the words sucked.

3.) Toy Story 3 - $30 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Just passed $300
soon to be Pixar's top flick.
Good, but not my fave!

4.) Grown Ups - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 99%)

Technically a hit,
but let me specify where:
It is in the nuts.

5.) Knight and Day - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

This is not Tom's fault.
We all know where the blame goes.
It's on YOU, Diaz!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 93%

I've been good lately.
The summer makes things easy.
I'll soon be sucking.

Okay, that's it gang. Happy Tuesday that looks and feels like a Monday!