Ryan's Ketchup

Read this column or I'll haunt your fridge

I have two versions of this opening joke.

If you're in Omaha, this is yours: "Just when you thought you were rid of me forever, I have roared back from the dead to remind you that you're never really done with me! I'm the Hal Daub of blogs!" If you're anywhere else, just substitute Newt Gingrich in for that politician reference.

Since last we spoke I (A) saw my Brother-in-Law finally marry his beautiful wife, (B) drank twice my body weight in liquor over 3 days, ensuring that I will never drink again, and (C) have become so exhausted that if there were gun to my head demanding an answer, I'd have to ask to see a calendar to tell you for sure what day it was.

In an effort to save my sanity, I'm doing just one post today, but I'm doing it epic-style, in one huge Catch-up (get it, Ketchup) column.

Here is all the news I missed over the weekend through Monday.

1.) There's no Jason Bourne in the next Jason Bourne movie - In a great move, Tony Gilroy has turned in a script for The Bourne Legacy, which does not feature Jason Bourne. Interesting approach, not including the title character of your franchise in the next movie in your franchise, but it may make sense. Apparently the plot will allow room for more of Jason Bourne himself down the road, but will broaden the "world" that he lives in by exploring more of the espionage and intrigue that surrounds his existence. Presumably the action will still be shot and cut so crazy it remains incomprehensible.

2.) I'm GLAAD we solved that - When I saw a preview for The Dilemma, I was friggin' appalled. Not just because Vince Vaughn's schtick is the only thing more tired than I am.

Although, seriously dude, stop it. No, what was appalling was two-fold: First, that nobody has hobbled Ron Howard yet. His name on a production sheet should come with an asterisk that reads "may cause mental diarrhea and vomiting." His hacktastic hackitude is ridonkulous. Second, the first thing in the joyless, soulless trailer (of a movie that features KEVIN JAMES for the love of God), is a "that's gay" joke. Really? Really? It's 2010, you idiotic douchenozzles! Assuming there was a script, how did that joke even stay in there? Thankfully, GLAAD stepped in and dropped the hammer, prompting Paramount to pull the joke from the trailer and the movie. Score one for progress. Now, if only they had shelved this entire abomination altogether. I have no respect for anyone associated with this film. Period.

3.) Technically, lying is a sin - Okay, Robert Rodriguez is challenging Mark Millar for the title of "lie shaped like a human." Nevermind that he's been circling Deadpool like a vulture or that his list of possible next projects grows daily, let's just focus on how he's said that Sin City 2 was coming for the last five years.

He SWEARS it's his next project after the next Spy Kids movie, but if you believe him, I think perpetual football misser Charlie Brown is the only creature more gullible than you are. Do we even need a Sin City 2 now? I mean, the first one was groundbreaking in a lot of ways, but it wouldn't be anymore. Okay, if they get Jessica Alba back to strippin', it may be vital. It's just not going to happen no matter what RR says.

4.) Your new Spidey baddie is.... - Well, technically, we don't know who he is but we know who he is. What do I mean? Well we know that this is the bad guy:
That's Rhys Ifans, and apart from having the weirdest spelled name in the world and looking like a a stretched out Ron Stewart, he's kind of fun. The speculation has gone three major places: (1) The Vulture - He's lanky, he's bird-looking, and the Vulture WAS the villain in the last known script that was scuttled for this one. (2) Electro - One of the remaining villains that may look cool on screen, provided they change him out of his green-and-yellow footie pajamas that he wears in the comics. (3) Venom - The least likely choice, but the studio knows that Venom is the most profitable bad guy in terms of merch and popularity.

My guess? Probably the Vulture, but I wouldn't rule out either Kraven or The Chameleon. Why? Low budget. The film only has an $80 million budget and is shooting 3D. The effects would be less necessary for the villain if you go with someone who doesn't have massive powers. Personally, I think Venom is out because of that reason alone. Could be the Lizard, but I think he's out for that same reason. Oh, and incidentally, just make the damn movie already. The only thing I've done more than report on rumored casting for this movie is make jokes that only I find funny.

6.) Flash news! - I don't know why they insist on making a new Flash movie when we already have the amazing 1990s TV series.
I loved that show when I was younger...because I used to like things that were terrible. Now comes word that the script for the new movie version is due by the end of this year and that Bradley Cooper is in the lead to play the fast-runner who runs fast...and that's about it. Cooper seems like a good fit, even though he also seems like kind of a jerk. I have nothing to go on there, just a gut feeling, but this is a blog so I don't have to fact check or use real information or anything.

7.) Super lie - I'm not spending much time on this one. Someone supposedly saw Brad Pitt around where Super 8 is shooting, suggesting he may have a secret cameo. It's filming in a small town. So what is far more likely is that someone who looks something near what Brad Pitt looks like was around town. Incidentally, even looking somewhat like Brad Pitt probably rules, so don't feel bad guy-who-just-started-a-false-rumor.

8.) Jackasses return in front of Jackass - The return has been...anticipated?
That's right, the dynamic douche duo is back...sort of. The animated pair will be talking about 3D to kick off the 3D extravaganza that is dudes doing things with poo and harming their genitals! Jackass 3D will feature an animated opening with these knuckleheads, which is great news to a few people who confuse nostalgia for quality.

9.) Danny B to hit up a sequel - Danny Boyle doesn't like repeating himself...and so repeating himself may be a way to not repeat himself. What do I mean? Well the director hops genres with nearly every film but has never made a sequel. Now comes word that he's considering returning to the world set up by my favorite true horror movie ever.
Great pic from Slashfilm by the way. We don't think it will be 28 Months Later, and we don't know the idea that prompted Danny B to consider actually directing it himself, but let me be the first to say how excited I am. The prospect of a great director returning to do a horror sequel is just drool-inducing. I'm a big fan of this potential load of malarky, considering I can't actually see him agreeing to do this.

10.) Because this is how all posts should end -

Christopher Lambert may be in Ghost Rider 2. Also, he may be in your garage right now. I'd check.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Why, hello there, sexy beasts. I don't use that term lightly, either. I mean it. Each and every one of you readers is so full of the sexy, so infused by the might of the hotness, that you are legally considered lethal weapons of love. Even better, you made it to Thursday, which is Friday to me because I'm gone tomorrow. I'll try to give you some box office haikus later, but it's a busy day for daddy, so it may not happen.

The good news is, no matter how busy I am, I promise to always find time to show you my junk. Always. It's that important to me. Of course, despite your rampant sexitude, I actually mean movie tidbits and not the sort of junk you were thinking of. Sorry. We begin each Junk Drawer Day by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. We pick an item. We write a story that makes no sense about that item. We move on. By we, I mean me...and by move on, I mean start making weird jokes about something other than a drawing. Today's item was chosen by my wife. It should be noted, however, that Abbie's first choice was making the same joke I made about the item in the upper left corner being a small noose. Nothing brings a couple together quite like jokes about Smurf suicide. Anyway, today's item is the blue cylinder with a lightning bolt on it. At 13, Linus Bertram the third was chosen via lottery to try out a new government-created drug. Contained in a plutonium-laced canister painted with a lightning bolt to show how serious this all was, the product was liquefied in order to be quickly administered. The changes began immediately, within weeks gawky, awkward Linus grew giant, his arms expanding, his chest bulging. The military was pleased...until the side effects. Developing a wicked case of self-importance that could only be described as Nixonian, Linus also immediately shut down when things didn't go his way, refusing to participate on anyone else's terms. The project was a failure, as the colossal ego couldn't be contained by training or modern science. Left on his own, tortured by a self-importance so enormous his ego had an ego, young Linus LeBron James Bertram the third knew he had to find a hobby...quickly.

Okay, enough already, let's get on to it! Here are the top 5 non-major news stories of the week! Oh, and I mean that, this week is reaaaaaaalllly slow for news. Reaaaallllly slow. Like rreeeeeaaaaaaallll (you get the idea).

1.) Twilight straight-up killed a guy - This was sent to me by an anonymous reader who would totally get mad props if I knew who he/she was. In New Zealand, a country so filled with danger they are nicknamed after the cutest fruit imaginable, Twilight f**king killed someone. I'm serious. A 23-year-old male dropped dead while watching Eclipse, and the paramedics could not instantly find any reason why. Ladies out there saying "Oh, just come to the movie with me, I go to your movies," take notice: Our movies have never killed you. If you can show me a news clipping where some gentlewoman saw, I don't know, The A-Team and was carried out in a body bag, we'll be even. What's the worst that can happen if I go see Twilight? Oh, I don't know, I take a forever dirt nap! I'm cut down in the prime of my life by dialogue and concepts so wretched my cerebral cortex flips the self-destruct switch! My eyes see too much tiny nippled Tayler Lautner and somehow convince the rest of my body that it's not worth it! Seriously, though, this is a get-out-of-Twilight-free card if I've ever seen one. Thank you, anonymous reader, you're someone's hero now.

2.) What Wonder Woman was - If you haven't kept up on what happened to Wonder Woman recently, let me bring you up to speed: They've taken the best known super-heroine (for better or worse) and shat on her face. Now, I like J. Michael Straczynski, but what he done to that woman is just wrong. I'm not even a fan of the character that much but lawdy, lawdy you don't do this to a person, even a fictional one.
Hey, um, nice gloves. No, really, they're awesome and everything. They really match your ankle armor. Anyway, this isn't the movie news I wanted to share. Although, it's really close. See, a few years ago Joss Whedon was in charge of the Wonder Woman movie that never happened. It got to the point of designing outfits for the lady...and here they are:

The first one is classic looking, the second looks like a pervert from the Victorian era, the third just got back from the beach, and the fourth...well, I kind of like it. The real tragedy of all of this is that nobody writes a female super character like Joss Whedon, and WB in their infinite wisdom decided to kick him off the project...which has since gone absolutely nowhere. Nothing would please my heart quite as much as a quality big-market superhero for girls out there. Sadly, we're not moving in the right direction, are we?

3.) Not afraid to be bad - What I love about Denzel Washington, among other things, is his willingness to play rough. Although he exudes hero and charisma, he often walks on the dark side, and got an Oscar for doing so. Take note Tom Cruise. I know you're going to say he was a bad guy in Collateral...and you're right, but it was also clearly the lead role and it wasn't the kind of villain I'm talking about. Also, it was probably his best performance since Magnolia, so he should keep doing that. Take note, Tommy, Denzel STILL don't care: He's negotiating to play a prisoner who has to go on the run with an agent of some kind because they're attacked or something. It's called Safe House, and the only thing that makes this all noteworthy is that Denzel would once again be walking on the wrong side of the law. This is the exact kind of news my Junk Drawer was created for: News that makes you go, "well, okay."

4.) I kind of liked "Beavis and Butthead" but not in that way - I was never crazy about "Beavis and Butthead." I liked them a little, but not a lot.



See, it's kind of funny, but not consistently funny. I suppose as a satire of the times, it was pretty great, but all things considered I preferred "Daria." Anyway, Mike Judge is making more episodes, like 30 more, even though no one knows when or how they'll appear. I like Judge, Idiocracy was sadly underviewed, and if he has more funny to say via these two characters, I'll listen. Folks, I apologize that this particular blurb wasn't all that funny or entertaining. I'm pretty tired and plenty busy, so you'll have to excuse my declining steam. Toot toot.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, finally we have some trailers. First up is...hey, wait a minute, where did the trailers go? Okay, you know what? I'm sick of this week! There's NOTHING going on! No new trailers worth a crap came out this week! I mean, seriously! I can be funny, I like being funny. I can make something out of a little something, but I can't make something out of a big nothing. That's it, I'm done! I mean, not forever, but for today! This sucks!