Thursday, August 12, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

It's been a rough week, sports fans. Between the unholy wave of solar destruction waged on us with morbidly obese thermostat readings that have ballooned into three digits, the endless wave of work slapping at me like a tsunami, and a general lack of creativity that has left me feeling as uninspired as Twilight, I'm ready for this damned week to be o-v-e-r. The good news is, I always feel better Thursday night. Thursday day, well that's a jerk who taunts me for 8 hours, but the evening makes it all groovy. So let's keep this train a-movin'.

As you know, Thursday marks the day that we examine my junk, and by junk I do not mean what you think I mean even though I think you thought I was thinking I was clever. I was. What my junk really refers to is little news nuggets that aren't big enough to warrant their own blog post. We begin, because it amuses me to do so, by looking at the creepy image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN (I say it that way because it always sounds like a threat). We pick an item, write a backstory for it, and laugh. Today's item is the screw. One day, a bored young boy picked up an ordinary screw from a junk drawer in his house. He was an unpopular boy, very scrawny and oddly haired. After trying to impress his peers with his wit, he decided that he was unable to do so, leaving him no choice. One day at lunch, he was sitting with his classmates when one of them made a comment about the homework they had that day. The young boy piped up with "man, we got screwed" and held the screw in front of him. One of the kids laughed. That was all it took. On that day, somewhere in the middle of the country, Carrot Top was born. The moral of the story: Don't have children, and if you do, don't let them play with anything ever.

Okay, that's enough horsing around, let's get to it, y'all!

1.) I'm now storming for The Tempest - Man did I love Titus. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and go rent that shit NOW. I'm watching your Netflix queue, I'll know if you're lying. Featuring Anthony Hopkins, Jessica Lange, and my nightmares barfed up as costumes made by director/visionary Julie Taymor, that movie took one of my least favorite Shakespeare plays and made it absolutely riveting. I had forgotten that Taymor actually finished a second Shakespeare flick, partly because I've been obsessing over her role as director of the Spider-man musical, and partly because the damn studio that owns the finished project is deep in bankruptcy. Well, having seen the poster, let me be the first to tell you we need to see this shit. We need to see it now. Check this out:
I mean, seriously! The Tempest is my second-favorite work of the bard, and it has a shot to be number one after this. How do you not want to run out and see this RIGHT NOW? I mean, with Helen Mirren as Prospero? Forget about it, yo. I'm not quite sure how to get someone like my wife to see it. She's not a huge fan of weird visuals combined with Shakesperean dialect. I mean in order to do that it would have to also feature...
Well there you go. With a cast that's ridiculously talented, visual design that looks absolutely inspired, and a pretty decent script (Shakey can right okay, I guess), the only reason that this hasn't been released yet is because people are evil and stupid. Remedy this and release the Kraken, I mean The Tempest, IMMEDIATELY!

2.) Stallone is just the right height to count chickens before they hatch - LA Times
is reporting that Sylvester Stallone is already talking up a sequel to The Expendables, an $80 million, R-rated movie with actors who haven't seen the right side of popularity since Reganomics. I'm going to see this movie, there's no question. But I think I'm seeing it for the reason most dudes are: you took all of our testosterone to make this and the only way we get it back is to watch it. Because Stallone stole my testosterone stash, I've found myself infused with estrogen lately, so I've been communicating with others as though their opinions matter, actually listening to them and considering their emotions and shit. I don't like it one bit. But I'm not going to support the creation of The Expendables 2, even if Stallone promises a wacky, unique idea. Sly, I'm not sure this movie you made has a script. If it does, it's a collection of adjectives and verbs like "explodifying tank" and "shooting, shooting, shooting." Nobody is going because of the concept, so unless your idea for a sequel contains within it the sequel to fission, you're not going to get it made. Also, there's no way this movie makes it's money back. It's going to top out somewhere around $65 million domestic and you know it. Sorry.

3.) Red State secedes some secrets - Shocktillyoudrop has the plot of Kevin Smith's upcoming horror movie, Red State, which he had kept under control far better than....oh hell, just look at him.
I loved you once, Kev, but I believe you're wearing a plus-sized denim dress with the top cut off and a tarp with a zipper. I find that your weight reflects your general laziness as a writer and director lately. What I'm trying to say is, maybe weed DOES have a few side effects. Anyway, I am mildly curious (as always) about his next flick, especially with this logline: "A group of kids encounters a crazed preacher (based on Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church) who gives a whole new meaning to the term "extreme fundamentalism."

Lord can I not resist that plot, especially because you know it ends with the Phelps analogue standing revealed as a self-hating homosexual seconds before his decapitation. Ah, therapy through film. I swear to God I'm like Charlie Brown and the football with this guy. I'm sure that this time he's going to leave the ball down. I just know it.

4.) Someone has room on her mantle for a second Oscar - Not liking Reese Witherspoon is kind of like slapping your grandma. I mean, she's friggin' adorable and has never done anything to hurt anybody as far as I can tell (Four Christmases aside). Now Variety is reporting that Reese Witherspoon will play Peggy Lee in the actresses second singer biopic.
Okay, when you look at her, you don't think "smoky-lunged jazz singer." I did buy her as the squeaky clean June Carter Cash, but notsomuch with Ms. Lee. Then again, that's why this is called acting. For the record, I do wish we'd let some other young ladies get these kind of parts, just to increase the quantity of respect female actresses. Was Rachel McAdams unavailable? Does anyone even remember she exists? No offense, Reese, but you got you a statue up on that there mantle already. You don't need to be greedy and go after bookends. If this is penance for the upcoming Four Christmases sequel, I'll allow it.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, this week we have three middling projects. Sorry, I didn't want to sugar coat it for you.

First up is Skyline, which is a low-budget sci-fi flick about aliens. It's going to be done kind of like Cloverfield from what I hear. It wins me over with that final shot, you'll know the one I'm talking about. It's pretty awesome in its terrifyingness. Overall, I'm mildly intrigued.

Jackass 3D is fine by me. Why? It's funny. Yes, it's stupid people doing stuff to themselves, I get that. It's also really funny. Base humor is okay sometimes. The line between calling Buster Keaton a genius for being able to pratfall with grace and Johnny Knoxville a douche for slamming his face into stationary objects is clear, but funny is as funny does. I'll be seeing this.

Unstoppable is as generically titled as it appears to actually have been created. The only thing of note here is that Chris Pine is in it. Who? The guy who I thought FOR SURE was going to be uber famous after killing it as Captain Kirk. Instead, he apparently just hung out at some bars telling people he was Captain Kirk. This will not be received well. I mean, a movie about trains? What next, a thriller about telegraphs? Seriously, enough already.

Okay, that's it. Hit me up tomorrow for a fun-filled Friday!

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