Ryan's Junk Drawer

It's been a rough week, sports fans. Between the unholy wave of solar destruction waged on us with morbidly obese thermostat readings that have ballooned into three digits, the endless wave of work slapping at me like a tsunami, and a general lack of creativity that has left me feeling as uninspired as Twilight, I'm ready for this damned week to be o-v-e-r. The good news is, I always feel better Thursday night. Thursday day, well that's a jerk who taunts me for 8 hours, but the evening makes it all groovy. So let's keep this train a-movin'.

As you know, Thursday marks the day that we examine my junk, and by junk I do not mean what you think I mean even though I think you thought I was thinking I was clever. I was. What my junk really refers to is little news nuggets that aren't big enough to warrant their own blog post. We begin, because it amuses me to do so, by looking at the creepy image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN (I say it that way because it always sounds like a threat). We pick an item, write a backstory for it, and laugh. Today's item is the screw. One day, a bored young boy picked up an ordinary screw from a junk drawer in his house. He was an unpopular boy, very scrawny and oddly haired. After trying to impress his peers with his wit, he decided that he was unable to do so, leaving him no choice. One day at lunch, he was sitting with his classmates when one of them made a comment about the homework they had that day. The young boy piped up with "man, we got screwed" and held the screw in front of him. One of the kids laughed. That was all it took. On that day, somewhere in the middle of the country, Carrot Top was born. The moral of the story: Don't have children, and if you do, don't let them play with anything ever.

Okay, that's enough horsing around, let's get to it, y'all!

1.) I'm now storming for The Tempest - Man did I love Titus. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and go rent that shit NOW. I'm watching your Netflix queue, I'll know if you're lying. Featuring Anthony Hopkins, Jessica Lange, and my nightmares barfed up as costumes made by director/visionary Julie Taymor, that movie took one of my least favorite Shakespeare plays and made it absolutely riveting. I had forgotten that Taymor actually finished a second Shakespeare flick, partly because I've been obsessing over her role as director of the Spider-man musical, and partly because the damn studio that owns the finished project is deep in bankruptcy. Well, having seen the poster, let me be the first to tell you we need to see this shit. We need to see it now. Check this out:
I mean, seriously! The Tempest is my second-favorite work of the bard, and it has a shot to be number one after this. How do you not want to run out and see this RIGHT NOW? I mean, with Helen Mirren as Prospero? Forget about it, yo. I'm not quite sure how to get someone like my wife to see it. She's not a huge fan of weird visuals combined with Shakesperean dialect. I mean in order to do that it would have to also feature...
Well there you go. With a cast that's ridiculously talented, visual design that looks absolutely inspired, and a pretty decent script (Shakey can right okay, I guess), the only reason that this hasn't been released yet is because people are evil and stupid. Remedy this and release the Kraken, I mean The Tempest, IMMEDIATELY!

2.) Stallone is just the right height to count chickens before they hatch - LA Times
is reporting that Sylvester Stallone is already talking up a sequel to The Expendables, an $80 million, R-rated movie with actors who haven't seen the right side of popularity since Reganomics. I'm going to see this movie, there's no question. But I think I'm seeing it for the reason most dudes are: you took all of our testosterone to make this and the only way we get it back is to watch it. Because Stallone stole my testosterone stash, I've found myself infused with estrogen lately, so I've been communicating with others as though their opinions matter, actually listening to them and considering their emotions and shit. I don't like it one bit. But I'm not going to support the creation of The Expendables 2, even if Stallone promises a wacky, unique idea. Sly, I'm not sure this movie you made has a script. If it does, it's a collection of adjectives and verbs like "explodifying tank" and "shooting, shooting, shooting." Nobody is going because of the concept, so unless your idea for a sequel contains within it the sequel to fission, you're not going to get it made. Also, there's no way this movie makes it's money back. It's going to top out somewhere around $65 million domestic and you know it. Sorry.

3.) Red State secedes some secrets - Shocktillyoudrop has the plot of Kevin Smith's upcoming horror movie, Red State, which he had kept under control far better than....oh hell, just look at him.
I loved you once, Kev, but I believe you're wearing a plus-sized denim dress with the top cut off and a tarp with a zipper. I find that your weight reflects your general laziness as a writer and director lately. What I'm trying to say is, maybe weed DOES have a few side effects. Anyway, I am mildly curious (as always) about his next flick, especially with this logline: "A group of kids encounters a crazed preacher (based on Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church) who gives a whole new meaning to the term "extreme fundamentalism."

Lord can I not resist that plot, especially because you know it ends with the Phelps analogue standing revealed as a self-hating homosexual seconds before his decapitation. Ah, therapy through film. I swear to God I'm like Charlie Brown and the football with this guy. I'm sure that this time he's going to leave the ball down. I just know it.

4.) Someone has room on her mantle for a second Oscar - Not liking Reese Witherspoon is kind of like slapping your grandma. I mean, she's friggin' adorable and has never done anything to hurt anybody as far as I can tell (Four Christmases aside). Now Variety is reporting that Reese Witherspoon will play Peggy Lee in the actresses second singer biopic.
Okay, when you look at her, you don't think "smoky-lunged jazz singer." I did buy her as the squeaky clean June Carter Cash, but notsomuch with Ms. Lee. Then again, that's why this is called acting. For the record, I do wish we'd let some other young ladies get these kind of parts, just to increase the quantity of respect female actresses. Was Rachel McAdams unavailable? Does anyone even remember she exists? No offense, Reese, but you got you a statue up on that there mantle already. You don't need to be greedy and go after bookends. If this is penance for the upcoming Four Christmases sequel, I'll allow it.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, this week we have three middling projects. Sorry, I didn't want to sugar coat it for you.

First up is Skyline, which is a low-budget sci-fi flick about aliens. It's going to be done kind of like Cloverfield from what I hear. It wins me over with that final shot, you'll know the one I'm talking about. It's pretty awesome in its terrifyingness. Overall, I'm mildly intrigued.


Jackass 3D is fine by me. Why? It's funny. Yes, it's stupid people doing stuff to themselves, I get that. It's also really funny. Base humor is okay sometimes. The line between calling Buster Keaton a genius for being able to pratfall with grace and Johnny Knoxville a douche for slamming his face into stationary objects is clear, but funny is as funny does. I'll be seeing this.



Unstoppable is as generically titled as it appears to actually have been created. The only thing of note here is that Chris Pine is in it. Who? The guy who I thought FOR SURE was going to be uber famous after killing it as Captain Kirk. Instead, he apparently just hung out at some bars telling people he was Captain Kirk. This will not be received well. I mean, a movie about trains? What next, a thriller about telegraphs? Seriously, enough already.



Okay, that's it. Hit me up tomorrow for a fun-filled Friday!

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Friday free-for-all

Top of the Friday to ya, faithful bloggites! I hope that your weekend is just sitting there waiting for you, ready to be awesome. Before we get to the debauchery and (gasp) soccer-laden Saturday-Sunday span, we have some business to attend to. From last night into this morning, eleventy billion (the precise number) stories broke, most of which were just boring confirmations of one sort or another. So my choices were (A) only give you the ones that I personally care about (sorry Twilight fans), (B) give you absolutely everything in individual blog posts (but, hellooooo, I'm waaaay too lazy for such things, or (C) make you a nice one-stop-shopping post filled with all the things you may care about in easily digestible portions. Never let it be said that I don't always consider your needs. Oh, a quick programming note: I'm hoping to hit you with this and the box office predictions before returning later today with a Karate Kid review.

Okay, so let's peek into the smorgasbord of newsie-type things that just hit:

1.) How the mighty have fallen - Until 2 weeks ago, Guillermo Del Toro's name was often followed by a parentheses that read "director of the upcoming Hobbit." Now, Pajiba reports that it should read "Van Helsing resurrection specialist." Yeah, you read that right, the rumor is that Del Toro has ditched The Hobbit and his next project may be a new version of Van Helsing. Supposedly the film will deny all existence of the Hugh Jackman abomination (permitted to exist only for it's rampant use of Kate Beckinsale in tight pants). I'm officially worried about Del Toro's career. The director of the first Van Helsing was exiled from earth and now orbits the planet in a spaceship made entirely of bad CGI.

2.) Hotness arrives! - The Russell Brand remake of Arthur just got a whole lot more sexy.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kill it with fire! His hair wants to strangle my eyeballs! Every flower has an individual murderous personality! OH GOD, MAKE IT STOP.

Much better. Happy place. So soft. So pretty. Nice. Calm. Love.
YOU SON OF A BITCH! I thought you were dead?! Go away forever, you are bad for my life! Bring back the pretty!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how I tell the world that Jennifer Garner and Nick Nolte have joined the Arthur remake. Thanks for playing.

3.) Yeah, but will it have a really icky sex scene? - Vincenzo Natali, who directed The Cube and Splice, is about to tackle William Gibson's "Neuromancer," a book that very much inspired The Matrix. This could be compelling and brilliant, given both the source material and the artist who clearly is off the beaten path. Then again, it could feel redundant (given said Matrix) and could feature disgusting, bizarre, interspecies, semi-incestuous feeling sex. Not to pigeon-hole Natali, but I fear such behaviors may be his calling card, like Hitchcock's cameo or Shyamalan's surprise ending. God, wouldn't that be great/awful?!

4.) More to hate - As has been rumored about and then confirmed but not really confirmed but kind of confirmed and then not really denied but sort of denied: Twilight: Breaking Dawn is going to be 2 movies. Now, it's going to be very important that someone sees these before I do and tells me which one I have to see for the batshit insane bullshit that I've heard happens in the final novel. Clearly, I'm not sitting through both of them, but if someone tells me which one brings the best crazy, I'd love to watch people watch it. I'd love nothing more than to watch Twi-hards drooling over what I personally believe to be the craziest thing I've ever heard about in a work of fiction, and I just referenced disgusting, bizarre, interspecies, semi-incestuous feeling sex above.

5.) Rush is back! - No, not the Canadian rockers whose music makes you sterile, Geoffrey Rush is officially returning to the Pirates series again! This is good, as he is neither Orlando Bloom nor Keira Knightley. Rush's character was a good foil/counterpart to Depp's legendary figure, so I'm hoping they'll revive the magic once more. There's something truly great about movie pirates that has only been captured that first time in this series. If piracy is ever really going to catch on, this series HAS to do better.

Okay, that's all of the important (and semi-important/unimportant) movie news to care about on this Friday. Back atcha with Box Office Predictions shortly and Karate Kid review later!

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Movie Review: Get Him to the Greek

Good morning shiny, happy people. I remember back before I was an adult, when weekends were for being a lazy ass and watching non-stop marathons of sci-fi movies and playing video ga...I mean, hanging out with other humans and touching girl parts? Okay, fine, I mostly read comics. But it beat the hell out of mowing lawns, grocery shopping, doing laundry, and so forth and so on. I did get to see a few movies this weekend, most notably the second funniest comedy I've seen so far this year (Mystery Team shall not be topped soon...and I really need to get a review up for that). No, I'm talking about Get Him to the Greek, which was actually just as funny as Forgetting Sarah Marshall, even though that was a much better movie (Greek imploded by the end). One thing I couldn't quite fit in the review is my problem with Jonah Hill right now. Dude needs to hit the gym or see a doctor. He's beginning to look like the girl who ate the blueberry in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The thing is, comedians can be tubby, but it's usually part of their schtick. Hill actually does "thin guy" comedy. He's all about crisp, fast dialogue and witty responses, not goofy, physical, big dude comedy. What I'm saying is, for both his health and his career, he needs to PX90 himself.

Enough about that, here's my review for you to peruse!

Heroin-larious
Get Him to the Greek shows the whimsical side of addiction

Understanding the multiple reality component of quantum mechanics is actually quite simple: Just watch any modern comedy. Practical existence is stretched and bent, resulting in a universe that very much resembles the one we inhabit but also allows, for example, Michael Scott from “The Office” to stay regional manager despite eleventy billion fireable offenses.

Writer/director Nicholas Stoller’s Get Him to the Greek exists in a place where alcohol poisoning is impossible, vomit is a chic accessory and herpes is a myth—insert your own “Jersey Shore” joke here. Right up until the third act falls through a wormhole and ends up in our plane of existence, it’s a flippin’ riot. But sincerity is comic kryptonite when 90% of jokes involve the audience laughing at the foibles of an addict and his paid enabler.

The addict is fallen rock star Aldous Snow, played by Russell Brand, whom God seemingly assembled on a dare. The permanently scruffy, chubby-cheeked Brit looks like he’s wearing a Cher wig on a humid day and has the gift of making the most mundane sentence sound like a Carnegie Hall routine. Snow first appeared in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as a sober celebrity who cuckolded the hero. The first guffaw-enducing five minutes of this spinoff detail his descent from rock royalty to has-been, brought on mostly by “African Child,” an album dubbed the third worst thing to happen to Africa behind only war and famine.

Desperate record executive Sergio (Sean “P. Diddy” Combs) agrees to let his low-level lackey Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) execute a plan to resurrect Snow’s career by performing a concert commemorating his celebrated show at the Greek Theater. Emotionally vulnerable after splitting abruptly with his far-hotter girlfriend (Elisabeth Moss), Green must retrieve the lecherous Snow from his death-spiral relapse and get him on stage within three days. Shenanigans, tomfoolery and literal butt-loads of drugs abound.

For the first hour and 15 minutes, when the characters are all cartoons to whom nothing of consequence can ever happen, Greek is a burst pipe of funny, spilling chuckles by the ocean-full. With Brand’s effortless hilarity, Hill’s neurotic patter and Combs’ inexplicably brilliant self-parody, the film barely stops to breathe…until it stops dead in its tracks, reverses course and asks audiences to take things seriously. If we are to consider Snow’s plight on a real, emotional level, how awful must we feel about laughing at his drug-fueled wackiness just five minutes earlier? We’re sick bastards, all of us!

Really, it’s best to just ignore the final 20 minutes, which feel like they’ve been snipped from a far inferior, far cheesier dud produced by Drew Barrymore. Instead, relish the surrealist interplay between Brand and Hill, whose bromance is one of the few actually consummated. Both actors should have bright futures, provided Hill doesn’t continue expanding at an exponential rate and Brand exhibits some measure of diversity. Get Him to the Greek ultimately isn’t philosophically transcendent but it is sophomorically satisfying.

Grade = B

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