The endless humor of Venn diagrams

I was going to be done for the day, but then I saw this on Slashfilm.com.
That is the greatest graphic for a movie I've ever seen. I wasn't even going to tell you that apparently Robert DeNiro and Sylvester Stallone are teaming for Grudge Match, about two boxers who agree to fight 50 YEARS after their title fight. This Venn diagram is the best thing that will come of this, I promise you. How incredibly bad does this sound? I'm thinking CBS Films already bought the distribution rights.

Follow me on Twitter!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

It's been a rough week, sports fans. Between the unholy wave of solar destruction waged on us with morbidly obese thermostat readings that have ballooned into three digits, the endless wave of work slapping at me like a tsunami, and a general lack of creativity that has left me feeling as uninspired as Twilight, I'm ready for this damned week to be o-v-e-r. The good news is, I always feel better Thursday night. Thursday day, well that's a jerk who taunts me for 8 hours, but the evening makes it all groovy. So let's keep this train a-movin'.

As you know, Thursday marks the day that we examine my junk, and by junk I do not mean what you think I mean even though I think you thought I was thinking I was clever. I was. What my junk really refers to is little news nuggets that aren't big enough to warrant their own blog post. We begin, because it amuses me to do so, by looking at the creepy image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN (I say it that way because it always sounds like a threat). We pick an item, write a backstory for it, and laugh. Today's item is the screw. One day, a bored young boy picked up an ordinary screw from a junk drawer in his house. He was an unpopular boy, very scrawny and oddly haired. After trying to impress his peers with his wit, he decided that he was unable to do so, leaving him no choice. One day at lunch, he was sitting with his classmates when one of them made a comment about the homework they had that day. The young boy piped up with "man, we got screwed" and held the screw in front of him. One of the kids laughed. That was all it took. On that day, somewhere in the middle of the country, Carrot Top was born. The moral of the story: Don't have children, and if you do, don't let them play with anything ever.

Okay, that's enough horsing around, let's get to it, y'all!

1.) I'm now storming for The Tempest - Man did I love Titus. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and go rent that shit NOW. I'm watching your Netflix queue, I'll know if you're lying. Featuring Anthony Hopkins, Jessica Lange, and my nightmares barfed up as costumes made by director/visionary Julie Taymor, that movie took one of my least favorite Shakespeare plays and made it absolutely riveting. I had forgotten that Taymor actually finished a second Shakespeare flick, partly because I've been obsessing over her role as director of the Spider-man musical, and partly because the damn studio that owns the finished project is deep in bankruptcy. Well, having seen the poster, let me be the first to tell you we need to see this shit. We need to see it now. Check this out:
I mean, seriously! The Tempest is my second-favorite work of the bard, and it has a shot to be number one after this. How do you not want to run out and see this RIGHT NOW? I mean, with Helen Mirren as Prospero? Forget about it, yo. I'm not quite sure how to get someone like my wife to see it. She's not a huge fan of weird visuals combined with Shakesperean dialect. I mean in order to do that it would have to also feature...
Well there you go. With a cast that's ridiculously talented, visual design that looks absolutely inspired, and a pretty decent script (Shakey can right okay, I guess), the only reason that this hasn't been released yet is because people are evil and stupid. Remedy this and release the Kraken, I mean The Tempest, IMMEDIATELY!

2.) Stallone is just the right height to count chickens before they hatch - LA Times
is reporting that Sylvester Stallone is already talking up a sequel to The Expendables, an $80 million, R-rated movie with actors who haven't seen the right side of popularity since Reganomics. I'm going to see this movie, there's no question. But I think I'm seeing it for the reason most dudes are: you took all of our testosterone to make this and the only way we get it back is to watch it. Because Stallone stole my testosterone stash, I've found myself infused with estrogen lately, so I've been communicating with others as though their opinions matter, actually listening to them and considering their emotions and shit. I don't like it one bit. But I'm not going to support the creation of The Expendables 2, even if Stallone promises a wacky, unique idea. Sly, I'm not sure this movie you made has a script. If it does, it's a collection of adjectives and verbs like "explodifying tank" and "shooting, shooting, shooting." Nobody is going because of the concept, so unless your idea for a sequel contains within it the sequel to fission, you're not going to get it made. Also, there's no way this movie makes it's money back. It's going to top out somewhere around $65 million domestic and you know it. Sorry.

3.) Red State secedes some secrets - Shocktillyoudrop has the plot of Kevin Smith's upcoming horror movie, Red State, which he had kept under control far better than....oh hell, just look at him.
I loved you once, Kev, but I believe you're wearing a plus-sized denim dress with the top cut off and a tarp with a zipper. I find that your weight reflects your general laziness as a writer and director lately. What I'm trying to say is, maybe weed DOES have a few side effects. Anyway, I am mildly curious (as always) about his next flick, especially with this logline: "A group of kids encounters a crazed preacher (based on Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church) who gives a whole new meaning to the term "extreme fundamentalism."

Lord can I not resist that plot, especially because you know it ends with the Phelps analogue standing revealed as a self-hating homosexual seconds before his decapitation. Ah, therapy through film. I swear to God I'm like Charlie Brown and the football with this guy. I'm sure that this time he's going to leave the ball down. I just know it.

4.) Someone has room on her mantle for a second Oscar - Not liking Reese Witherspoon is kind of like slapping your grandma. I mean, she's friggin' adorable and has never done anything to hurt anybody as far as I can tell (Four Christmases aside). Now Variety is reporting that Reese Witherspoon will play Peggy Lee in the actresses second singer biopic.
Okay, when you look at her, you don't think "smoky-lunged jazz singer." I did buy her as the squeaky clean June Carter Cash, but notsomuch with Ms. Lee. Then again, that's why this is called acting. For the record, I do wish we'd let some other young ladies get these kind of parts, just to increase the quantity of respect female actresses. Was Rachel McAdams unavailable? Does anyone even remember she exists? No offense, Reese, but you got you a statue up on that there mantle already. You don't need to be greedy and go after bookends. If this is penance for the upcoming Four Christmases sequel, I'll allow it.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, this week we have three middling projects. Sorry, I didn't want to sugar coat it for you.

First up is Skyline, which is a low-budget sci-fi flick about aliens. It's going to be done kind of like Cloverfield from what I hear. It wins me over with that final shot, you'll know the one I'm talking about. It's pretty awesome in its terrifyingness. Overall, I'm mildly intrigued.


Jackass 3D is fine by me. Why? It's funny. Yes, it's stupid people doing stuff to themselves, I get that. It's also really funny. Base humor is okay sometimes. The line between calling Buster Keaton a genius for being able to pratfall with grace and Johnny Knoxville a douche for slamming his face into stationary objects is clear, but funny is as funny does. I'll be seeing this.



Unstoppable is as generically titled as it appears to actually have been created. The only thing of note here is that Chris Pine is in it. Who? The guy who I thought FOR SURE was going to be uber famous after killing it as Captain Kirk. Instead, he apparently just hung out at some bars telling people he was Captain Kirk. This will not be received well. I mean, a movie about trains? What next, a thriller about telegraphs? Seriously, enough already.



Okay, that's it. Hit me up tomorrow for a fun-filled Friday!

Follow me on Twitter!

Guess who's back? Back again?

I won't bore you with details. Blogger made some changes, yadda yadda yadda, my blog got yanked into the void of entropy and nothingness that usually accompanies minor technological changes. Thankfully, the gang at the Reader rallied around the one living soul who seemed to have a handle on it (go Stephen!), and we're back up and running again. Okay, fine, we're back up and doing that funny-looking, half-run, half-walk thing that old people do in malls where their hands work harder than their legs. Point is, it wasn't my fault, so don't be mad.

Let's get kick started as we are prone to do after we get cyber cock-blocked, with a little recap dance, which is nowhere as fun as the Rerun dance, which I still can't do. This is going to be epic and fast, so grab whatever parts of you that you don't want flopping about, here goes:

1.) May the fourth be with you - Yep, it's Star Wars day, which is sort of like Christmas, only instead of anxiously awaiting the arrival of a fat bearded guy and the presents he brings, we all kind of get pissed at a fat bearded guy for all the poop he delivered recently. Still, you know what's not poop? This original Empire Strikes Back trailer with Harrison Ford doing a cool voiceover. You're welcome, nerds.



2.) Also, people will bitch about the "Lost" finale - In case you were worried, that headline was actually just a joke about the inevitability of certain outcomes...like, say, the fact that Batman 3 got a release date. July 20th 2012, we will all be packed into theaters like sardines waiting for Christian Bale and his "I heart gargling razors" voice inside a full S&M body suit yelling at some ridiculously dressed supervillain in a movie some people will still call "realistic." Yeah, Kick Ass guaranteed I'm never using that word to describe a superhero movie ever again.

3.) Tommy Lee Jones to play gruff guy? No flippin' way!! - "Sources" told UGO that Tommy Lee Jones may be cast in Captain America. It's not for the villain role, which we all know went to Hugo Weaver, which pretty much only leaves Jones playing some kind of general during World War II. I know, shocker. I hope he can dig down and find the range needed to gruffly bark out orders, as that's going to be a real stretch for him. Maybe we're wrong, maybe he's going to play Dum-Dum Dugan, one of the "Howling Commandos" who used to hang around with Nick Fury, back when he was white (this column is filled with inside jokes and nerd moments today, if you don't get them, just keep moving, I promise to do better). Although the Commandos are confirmed in the movie, my guess is that Jones will be playing someone more generic. Here's hoping he gets to tell Chris Evans where to look for the Red Skull...like in every outhouse, dog house, yadda yadda yadda...

4.) Please let Iceman get shivved in the tummy! - Matthew Vaughn was supposed to direct the third X-Men movie. Instead, Brett Ratner did. Awesome switch. It's like the time I was going to eat a steak and instead I became a cannibal. Now Vaughn is getting a do-over, as he's the top choice to direct X-Men: First Class, which is kind of a do-over of the whole X-Men universe, on account of the rest of the franchise getting Ratner-ed. We're going to get Iceman, Marvel Girl, Cyclops, and more (I'm guessing Wolverine somehow) as they first learn to fight alongside Professor X. Until Vaughn's involvement, I was as turned off by this as I am by Donald Trump in booty shorts. But now...I think this movie just got interesting.

5.) Look upon this image and despair - This is a real person (Hank Azaria) who agreed to look like this:
He's playing Gargamel in The Smurfs, also he'd like to remind you that it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Have fun at the kids movie, children! Hope you enjoy the next few decades of sleepless nights and therapy!

6.) Sylvester Stallone says no more Rambo - Well, to be fair, when he said it, it sounded like "deres no bore Rambode" but you get the idea. This is non-news, but whenever a franchise this terrible dies, a baby kitten is born with the wings of an angel and the tail of a dragon. Pretty cool, huh?

7.) Exactly what in the Zoolander 2 budget is costly? - For the second time in the last few days, Paramount has shown a disregard for earning money. After passing on Anchorman 2 for monetary reasons, the studio has said the budget of Zoolander 2 is too high, so they killed that too. Supposedly, the studio wants the budget under $50 million, even though they know it will make a buttload more than that. Look, I'll say it again, how we live in a world with not one, not two, but three Step Up movies and only one Anchorman and Zoolander movie defies my certainty that the Mayan apocalypse is not coming. Maybe we deserve it?

8.) Just don't let Cube produce it or it will be G-rated - They're finally making an N.W.A. biopic. Sure, it's being written by the gal who wrote the abomination that was World Trade Center (which I STILL can't believe Oliver Stone directed), but at least we'll get a wicked soundtrack. The film, Straight Outta Compton, will likely be mediocre, but if they do that inevitable cover CD well...I'm so going to be pleased. Also, sometimes when I watch Cube do a Disney kids movie and then see Dre doing a Dr. Pepper commercial, I think of writing a movie in which I build a time machine and go back to see these guys during the N.W.A. days and tell them what their lives will be in 2 decades. Then they beat the crap out of me. Deservedly.

9.) Steven Spielberg loves a horse...just not like that - Stevie is going to return to war. This time, World War I...and this time with a horse. Based off a touching book, this a-boy-and-his-horse-in-a-war movie will be Spielberg's next project, despite the billion others he was originally going to do. Supposedly, he's going to get this out really, really fast. This is good news for my wife, who will literally watch any horse movie out there. Seriously. We watched Flicka with Tim McGraw. On purpose.

10.) Ghostbusters III and lying liars - Bill Murray says "Ghostbusters 3 is a myth." Dan Ackroyd says "Look for it in 2011." Iven Reitman says "Look for it in 2012." Once again, there's a reason we like Venkman the best. I believe that the last two think they're telling the truth. I also believe that they think they're the ones we want to see back busting ghosts.

That's my quick catch-up! Not too shabby, if I do say so myself!

Rambo - Monster = Blah

So awhile back, Sly Stallone semi-announced that in his next excursion from the old folks home, Rambo would be hunting a manbearpig, or at least some kind of wild creature genetically modified by the government. Turns out, that was a pretty shitty idea. So the big man contacted the folks at StalloneZone, which sounds like a theme night at a gay disco, to let everyone know that he scrapped the idea in favor of a "classic" feeling Rambo adventure, noting "Rambo himself will be heading over the border to a violent city where many young women have vanished." Yay! More generic geriatric adventures! He did cryptically note that the manbearpig will be hunted by "other characters" in a different movie. I'm hoping he means Oscar, a character which has fallen into obscurity for far too long.

Probably not. Still, instead of getting Rambo to hunt an animal or whoever is killing the village girls, howsabout he hunts the most dangerous game of all:

Raise your hand if you think Chris Rock spends his weekends fishing.

For once, promises are kept; testosterone is expelled

Few moments live up to intense hype. Anticipation is euphoric, but the reality of reaching the moment is usually a let down. NOT. F**CKING. HERE.



Ladies and gentlemen, I give unto you a film in which everyone speaks in either declarative statement or a one-liner, a film in which people use jumping in slow motion from an explosion as their primary means of travel, a film in which Dolph Lundgren's acting is more believable than Sylvester Stallone's facial hair, a film in which Eric Roberts plays a central role, a film in which foreigners of undescribed origins say bad things about America and are then brutally dealt with, a film that believes the calendar is WRONG and it is still 1989. If you wanted more from The Expendables than this, you are a wuss. My life is almost complete, I just need to hang on a few more precious months before testosterone nirvana.

Redonkulous action movie sequel news, part deux

No way Sylvester "No, this is actually my face now" Stallone lets Michael "I hate people who watch my movies" Bay get the headlines without firing an exploding round into his skull: Rambo 5 is happening. Sly has said for years that Rocky Balboa was the last Rocky film and Rambo was the last Rambo film. Well, Stallone lies like he was at a town hall meeting speaking out against health care reform. According to Variety, this film will be totally unlike anything Rambo has ever had to confront before, as he'll be in the jungle fighting to rescue a girl from drug lords. All joking aside, Stallone had mentioned that if there were to be another Rambo movie, it would be really out there. I was interested in that film, which I only assumed could be Rambo trying to reason his way out of a problem with the power of diplomacy and conversation ("No, I'm just saying that if you are willing to consider my position...Hey, Tuk Tuk, eyes off my weirdly sagging nipples, we're negotiating here"). That, or they could make it a comedy (This summer, Rambo faces his biggest threat yet: Freshman Year. "I swear to you, if you don't pass me in this introduction to public speaking course, I'm going to disembowel you."). I'm just saying, I think there are ways to continue this noble franchise without having to make Stallone wade out into the middle of the jungle when you know damn well how brittle those hips have to be at this point. Bonus question: Is Rambo about to kill this snake or make out with it?