Apatow signs 3-picture deal. Projected total running time: 7,134 minutes

Many of you are going to go see Funny People tonight. Judd Apatow thanks you (your bladder doesn't). Your dedication to his brand has granted him a 3-picture deal at Universal, and thus guarantees Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill can continue enjoying inexplicable fame. Now, I'm a fan of Apatow's; his decision to make actual characters and plot lines of consequence in his comedies seems like it shouldn't be revolutionary but really has been. However, his Achilles heel is two-fold (Achilles heels? Achillesi heel?): (1) His films are too GD long and (2) he needs better female characters (and a few less dick jokes). I know that bitching about running times is so easy that even the douchehammer Ben Lyons does it, but seriously, the only way your comedy should be 145 minutes is if 35 of those minutes feature Evangeline Lilly, Rachel McAdams, and Natalie Portman engaging in activity that I know none of them will ever engage in. Trim it down and people will have more laughs per square second and that makes their opinion of the film go up and saves people like me from having to endure more of a movie I would have liked if it were less. As for the better female characters, I know that it's commonplace these days to have cookie-cutter ladies in your R-rated comedy, but seriously dude you can do better. Mix in an actual female writer or at least have one look over your film before you produce another clone of every one of the women in every one of your movies. Jeez, write a funny female character with brains and you'll be hailed as some kind of comedic second coming or, at the very least, not be stoned to death by intelligent women with good aim. Anyway, enjoy your 3-picture deal, Judd.