Slow news day (volume two)

Waaay back when this blog was first starting out, when we had barely scratched the potential of the literally dozens of people interested in my take on movie news, we mentioned Moneyball. That's right, all the way back in '08, we discussed the book-about-baseball-finances-turned-Steven-Soderbergh-movie. In the vast space of time between that day and now, a chasm old enough to have...grown an awesome beard?...things have changed. Aaron Sorkin has rewritten the script, someone named Bennett Miller (I'm checking to see if this is a fake name) is directing, and the cast still includes Brad Pitt, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robin Wright, and Jonah Hill (presumably not playing a baseball player). Had news of any of those things broken today, it would have counted as real, actual news. Instead, let me introduce you to someone. This is Kathryn Morris.
She's pretty in that generic Hollywood way, which is not to say that she wouldn't drop jaws in person and isn't a red-hot hottie. She's just familiar looking. She's also in Moneyball now. I believe she gets to make out with Brad Pitt. She was also on "Cold Case," which I always think of as the show that they were making fun of in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, even though I know their target was "CSI." Folks, this is what defines a slow news day. Casting an actress you kind of remember, who has few distinguishing characteristics, in a part you don't care about, in a movie that sounds iffy to begin with. Lemons into lemonade, folks. I'm trying here.

Movie Review: Get Him to the Greek

Good morning shiny, happy people. I remember back before I was an adult, when weekends were for being a lazy ass and watching non-stop marathons of sci-fi movies and playing video ga...I mean, hanging out with other humans and touching girl parts? Okay, fine, I mostly read comics. But it beat the hell out of mowing lawns, grocery shopping, doing laundry, and so forth and so on. I did get to see a few movies this weekend, most notably the second funniest comedy I've seen so far this year (Mystery Team shall not be topped soon...and I really need to get a review up for that). No, I'm talking about Get Him to the Greek, which was actually just as funny as Forgetting Sarah Marshall, even though that was a much better movie (Greek imploded by the end). One thing I couldn't quite fit in the review is my problem with Jonah Hill right now. Dude needs to hit the gym or see a doctor. He's beginning to look like the girl who ate the blueberry in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The thing is, comedians can be tubby, but it's usually part of their schtick. Hill actually does "thin guy" comedy. He's all about crisp, fast dialogue and witty responses, not goofy, physical, big dude comedy. What I'm saying is, for both his health and his career, he needs to PX90 himself.

Enough about that, here's my review for you to peruse!

Heroin-larious
Get Him to the Greek shows the whimsical side of addiction

Understanding the multiple reality component of quantum mechanics is actually quite simple: Just watch any modern comedy. Practical existence is stretched and bent, resulting in a universe that very much resembles the one we inhabit but also allows, for example, Michael Scott from “The Office” to stay regional manager despite eleventy billion fireable offenses.

Writer/director Nicholas Stoller’s Get Him to the Greek exists in a place where alcohol poisoning is impossible, vomit is a chic accessory and herpes is a myth—insert your own “Jersey Shore” joke here. Right up until the third act falls through a wormhole and ends up in our plane of existence, it’s a flippin’ riot. But sincerity is comic kryptonite when 90% of jokes involve the audience laughing at the foibles of an addict and his paid enabler.

The addict is fallen rock star Aldous Snow, played by Russell Brand, whom God seemingly assembled on a dare. The permanently scruffy, chubby-cheeked Brit looks like he’s wearing a Cher wig on a humid day and has the gift of making the most mundane sentence sound like a Carnegie Hall routine. Snow first appeared in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as a sober celebrity who cuckolded the hero. The first guffaw-enducing five minutes of this spinoff detail his descent from rock royalty to has-been, brought on mostly by “African Child,” an album dubbed the third worst thing to happen to Africa behind only war and famine.

Desperate record executive Sergio (Sean “P. Diddy” Combs) agrees to let his low-level lackey Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) execute a plan to resurrect Snow’s career by performing a concert commemorating his celebrated show at the Greek Theater. Emotionally vulnerable after splitting abruptly with his far-hotter girlfriend (Elisabeth Moss), Green must retrieve the lecherous Snow from his death-spiral relapse and get him on stage within three days. Shenanigans, tomfoolery and literal butt-loads of drugs abound.

For the first hour and 15 minutes, when the characters are all cartoons to whom nothing of consequence can ever happen, Greek is a burst pipe of funny, spilling chuckles by the ocean-full. With Brand’s effortless hilarity, Hill’s neurotic patter and Combs’ inexplicably brilliant self-parody, the film barely stops to breathe…until it stops dead in its tracks, reverses course and asks audiences to take things seriously. If we are to consider Snow’s plight on a real, emotional level, how awful must we feel about laughing at his drug-fueled wackiness just five minutes earlier? We’re sick bastards, all of us!

Really, it’s best to just ignore the final 20 minutes, which feel like they’ve been snipped from a far inferior, far cheesier dud produced by Drew Barrymore. Instead, relish the surrealist interplay between Brand and Hill, whose bromance is one of the few actually consummated. Both actors should have bright futures, provided Hill doesn’t continue expanding at an exponential rate and Brand exhibits some measure of diversity. Get Him to the Greek ultimately isn’t philosophically transcendent but it is sophomorically satisfying.

Grade = B

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Welcome one and all to that glorious time of the week during which I show the world my junk! And by my junk, I mean movie tidbits that I didn't turn into full blog posts and not my genitals because that would be (A) gross and (B) illegal. As is our special weekly tradition, let's take a second to make up a completely fabricated and creepy story about an item from the drawing of a junk drawer above that came from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN (I emphasize the children part because, seriously, look at that picture...you know that hand is attached to a body that's up to no good). Today's item is the fuzzy thread in the middle of the drawer. After years of inventing, Sammy finally completed the necessary logarithms and equations and EUREKA! Monkey dynamite. The hardest thing about the monkey dynamite is getting the fuse lit, what with all the fuzzy hair on it. But once you get it lit, the explosion that results is just bananas.

Okay, moving quickly on to this week's news nuggets!

1.) Two for the Zoo? - People I really like on the interwebs (like Slashfilm, Latinoreview, Chud, Darkhorizons) pretty much universally hate Nikki Finke. I can see why. She ignores other people's scoops and treats them like she was the one who first found them and seems, by all accounts and stories, to be kind of a douchenozzle. What sucks is, she keeps getting the scoops, because apparently people in Hollywood LOVE douchenozzles. This should come as great relief to a number of people I know, who should move to Hollywood ASAP. Anyway, Finke, Finke Douchenozzle, as she shall now be called, has learned that Iron Man 2 and Tropic Thunder screenwriter Justin Theroux is working with Ben Stiller on a script for Zoolander 2. This is good, because Zoolander is actually pretty damn funny. I know some people don't "get it," but any time male models are killed in a "tragic gasoline fight" and someone corrects Jon Voight by saying "MerMAN, dad, MerMAN," it's funny. Plus, Theroux wrote the line "never go full retard," which means he should be rich forever in my eyes, as it may be the funniest four word combination in recent history. Jonah Hill is supposedly in talks to play the bad guy, which actually is kind of just okay for me. I'm kind of growing tired of Hill and I hope he's ready to broaden (not literally, dude needs to lose some LBs pretty fast yo, he's beyond unhealthy) his horizons past his usual schtick. We don't need another Jack Black on our hands. At any rate, Zoolander grew on me, so I hope this one is equally as stupidly awesome. Bonus points if they get Billy Zane back.

2.) Gaga for Goyer? - Latino Review hates Finke Finke Douchenozzle more than everyone else to the point where they spent the whole day yesterday in full-on spaz mode on twitter patting themselves on the back for getting a pretty bad ass scoop yesterday that Finke didn't get. I'm proud of them, sure, but like 27 tweets from various LR folks giving Finke Finke Douchenozzle the finger got a little laborious. Then again, I say that as a person who hasn't scooped anything but ice cream and Raisin Bran. Anyhoodle, their scoop was that David Goyer will write Superman: Man of Steel, the new Superman project overseen by Christopher Nolan. Supposedly, the script involves Lex Luthor and Braniac, introduces a boatload of Kryptonian mythology, and is generally exciting. Well, kind of. See, I don't really like David Goyer that much. I think his writing is really, really spotty. Don't believe me? Sure, he wrote THE STORY for The Dark Knight (which can be boiled down to the Joker does some shit), but he also wrote the following: Kickboxer 2, The Crow: City of Angels, the Nick Fury TV movie, Blade Trinity, and Jumper. If you want to get technical, I loved Dark City (which he wrote the entire screenplay for and was incredible) and liked (not loved) his Batman Begins and Dark Knight scripts. That's it. Other than that, he's a crapmaster. Not okay, not so-so, but a CRAP master. I'm just saying, the fact that he was involved with good Batman movies doesn't mean he may save Superman. There's a chance we could get dialogue like this:
3.) Will Cap put the Red Skull's gun in jello? - Among the news that's had comic fans more apoplectic than the GOP after they found out Democrats may do something that helps people, THR reported earlier this week that Marvel is narrowing the list of potential Captain Americas. Also, Marvel is a bunch of effin' cheapskates. The article said basically that they're offering $300,000 to an unknown to be the lead in a movie that will likely make $75 million or more opening weekend. Suck on that. Also, the actor has to sign a NINE picture deal. What's next, does Marvel demand a "prima nocturne" rule and get to have its execs bang the wife of the new Captain America? Seriously, guys, get a good actor not the cheapest. The list now includes that Scott Porter (Friday Night Lights), Mike Vogel (Cloverfield), Michael Cassidy (Smallville), and Patrick Flueger ( The 4400), none of whom I could identify for all the blow at New York's fashion week. I can identify this guy though:
Yeah, that's right, John Krasinski is on the short list for Captain America. I have to say this, I don't mind it. Yeah, it SEEMS ridiculous because he's Jim from "The Office," right? But (A) I believe him to be a talented actor (yes, really). I also believe he'd get YOKED for the role because he knows it would be necessary. I also think he's going to be better than the no-names I listed above. Seriously, I don't WANT Krasinski in the role, but of that short list I mentioned above, who would you rather have? A guy like Krasinski or somebody from "Smallville?" Really.

4.) When, God? When will Matt Damon get his acting Oscar? - This won't stop until we give him an Oscar. Sure, we may get the occasional Green Zone or Bourne, but we're mostly going to get Invictus and shit until Matt Damon is given the golden statue. What do I mean? Nikki Nikki Douchenozzle is reporting that Damon will play Bobby Kennedy. What other reason is there to play a dead politician than hoisting an Oscar? Seriously. For the record, this movie could be good. Also, I think Damon DESERVES an Oscar. We live in a world where Adrian Brody has one and Matt Damon doesn't. Also, there's this:




5.) Trailers, Parked - A few goodies this week, with two of the three being new versions of trailers for movies we've seen glimpses of already. First up is the new Nightmare On Elm Street trailer, which looks as fun as the other stuff we've seen. I know it's a remake, but Jackie Earle Haley kind of rules and I like Freddy Kreuger. It's not run-of-the-mill horror, so I like playing around in this world, even if that sounds vaguely dirty. I'm not saying I'm there opening night, but I will be there.



Waking Sleeping Beauty is a great look at the birth of the era of Disney that made my childhood. From 1984-1994, Disney animation was simply fantastic. This largely home-video-style documentary will make me long for the days when not everything was CGI and Shrek 4 seemed impossible.



Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps may be a train wreck. It also may totally rule. I GET why there can be a sequel to this movie now. I GET why there are new things that can be said about how we've evolved financially and culturally since the 1980s. I like Shia LeBeouf, I like Oliver Stone, and I love Josh Brolin. I have no idea if all of this can come together in a quality film but this trailer actually gave me more hope than the weird-ass first one. See what you think.



Okay, that's my junk for this week! See you tomorrow to close out this big ole week in style, bitches.

Apatow signs 3-picture deal. Projected total running time: 7,134 minutes

Many of you are going to go see Funny People tonight. Judd Apatow thanks you (your bladder doesn't). Your dedication to his brand has granted him a 3-picture deal at Universal, and thus guarantees Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill can continue enjoying inexplicable fame. Now, I'm a fan of Apatow's; his decision to make actual characters and plot lines of consequence in his comedies seems like it shouldn't be revolutionary but really has been. However, his Achilles heel is two-fold (Achilles heels? Achillesi heel?): (1) His films are too GD long and (2) he needs better female characters (and a few less dick jokes). I know that bitching about running times is so easy that even the douchehammer Ben Lyons does it, but seriously, the only way your comedy should be 145 minutes is if 35 of those minutes feature Evangeline Lilly, Rachel McAdams, and Natalie Portman engaging in activity that I know none of them will ever engage in. Trim it down and people will have more laughs per square second and that makes their opinion of the film go up and saves people like me from having to endure more of a movie I would have liked if it were less. As for the better female characters, I know that it's commonplace these days to have cookie-cutter ladies in your R-rated comedy, but seriously dude you can do better. Mix in an actual female writer or at least have one look over your film before you produce another clone of every one of the women in every one of your movies. Jeez, write a funny female character with brains and you'll be hailed as some kind of comedic second coming or, at the very least, not be stoned to death by intelligent women with good aim. Anyway, enjoy your 3-picture deal, Judd.