Weekend Box Office Results: Cobra rises, thrusts itself into top spot

Seriously, I promise to you here and now that I will make some veiled penile reference virtually every time I mention GI Joe: Rise of Cobra. If you are above such things...I honestly can't believe you're still reading this blog.

Oh, not directly related to the below, but I want to know what I can do to make commenting easier for you guys. I can't tell if nobody is commenting because, you know nobody's reading or wants to comment, or if there's some sort of functional problem with the way things are set up. If the issue is the latter, please hook me up with an email at film@thereader.com, and I'll see what I can do. I just can't imagine a world where other people don't ALSO want to make wang jokes about the GI Joe movie title or make some kind of inappropriate comment about Rachel Nichols. Hell, I'm not getting any spam even...that has to mean something.

Here are the results (haiku style, bitches):

1.) GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra - $56 million (Accuracy of prediction - 99%)

This rose to the task.
It erected a huge win.
I told you I would.

2.) Julie and Julia - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

You can't stop Meryl.
You can try to contain her.
But she won't like that.

3.) G-Force - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

When will these pigs leave?
I can't take much more of this.
No more rodents please.

4.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91.5%)

Harry can't catch robots.
Transformers 2 wins the year.
I will now throw up.

5.) Funny People - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 61.5%)

Wow, this is not good.
America's votes are in.
And Paul Blart beat this.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 86%

Another good week,
for my predictions I mean.
The movies just sucked.

Okay, that's it gang. Go forth and be productive on this Monday!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Pretty obvious that GI: Joe is going to win the week, despite not being screened for the press. I didn't really report on it, but good lord the insanity that followed Paramount's decision to show the film to SOME online critics but not others resulted in a war of tweets and blogs that can only be described as "marginally entertaining." It turns out that some of those guys still harbor sad feelings from the time they were picked last in kickball. Also opening this weekend (and sure to get some lady money) is Julie and Julia, which once more shows that Meryl Streep is more important than all of us. Some other crappy movie about people getting killed on vacation opens (with Milla Jovovich, who I still find creepy/hot...as in, she's gorgeous but will totally stab me). How do I perceive this all turning out?

It's haiku time:

1.) GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra - $55 million

This one might be fun.
But the subtitle sounds gross.
Maybe that's just me.

2.) Julie and Julia - $21 million

Hot Amy Adams
paired with the sweet Meryl Streep.
Great tastes that taste great.

3.) Funny People - $11 million

Who is laughing now?
People wanted Judd to fail.
But I was not one.

4.) Harry Potter 6 - $10.5 million

That's enough, Harry.
I have nothing left to say.
My wand jokes are done.

5.) G-Force - $10 million

Good bye, guinea pigs.
I will not miss you at all.
I prefer a dog.

WILDCARD - A Perfect Getaway - $9 million

This looks like pure crap,
if you don't count Jovovich.
I used to love her.

Okay gang, you have a good weekend. If you're in the state of Nebraska, avoiding going outside if you prefer not to be on fire. See you Monday!

Weekend box office results: Harry finally beats hairy

I could dress this up or I could be honest. I'll take your inability to respond in any way as a call for honesty: This week was boring with a capital PBS. I mean, seriously, the top grossing film in the last week of July made $23 million all weekend, which is what Transformers 2 made before the opening credits played once. I really hope that Hollywood is taking notice: Following the cool kids to the front of the summer line means there isn't enough food to go around, you dig? SPREAD. YOUR. RELEASES. OUT. Dingbats.

Here's the weekend results (haiku style):

1.) Funny People - $23 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

Poor, Adam Sandler.
This year will break his hot streak.
Thank the Lord, Jesus.

2.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $17.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Harry beat the pigs!
By the power of IMAX.
It's a potent spell.

3.) G-Force - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 78%)

The pigs should be proud...
Actually they shouldn't be.
Sigh, but such is life.

4.) The Ugly Truth - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Heigl is a diva,
so says all of the reports.
I just don't know how.

5.) Aliens in the Attic - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 60%)

Well, this one is dead.
Sayonara Miss Tisdale.
We hardly knew ye.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 80%

I got a low "B."
But that is just fine with me.
I can do much worse.

Happy Monday gang!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I know you were all worried earlier in the week that the blog down-ness was going to prevent you from getting your Haiku on. No way. Nothing can stop me from droppin' some ancient Asian poetic form on your face every Friday, and that's a promise (more like a luke-warm suggestion, really). This week is another odd one, as Hollywood seems to have fired both barrels of their blockbuster gun before Summer is even officially half over (premature cinematic release, really).

Here's how I see this weekend (haiku style):

1.) Funny People - $28 million

Sandler is worried,
his $100 million film streak
may come to an end!

2.) G-Force - $21 million

Guinea pigs are good.
But guinea pigs in 3D?
Now that's just divine.

3.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $15.5 million

Buck up, young Harry.
Transformers wins the U.S.
But you're tops elsewhere!

4.) Aliens in the Attic - $14 million

Wants to be Gremlins,
but is nowhere near Gremlins.
Suck on that, Tisdale.

5.) The Ugly Truth - $13 million

Heigl is on my list.
And I don't mean the good list.
I mean the bad one.

I don't even need a wildcard this week, I feel that good about things. I'm going to regret that.

Happy Friday, gang!

Apatow signs 3-picture deal. Projected total running time: 7,134 minutes

Many of you are going to go see Funny People tonight. Judd Apatow thanks you (your bladder doesn't). Your dedication to his brand has granted him a 3-picture deal at Universal, and thus guarantees Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill can continue enjoying inexplicable fame. Now, I'm a fan of Apatow's; his decision to make actual characters and plot lines of consequence in his comedies seems like it shouldn't be revolutionary but really has been. However, his Achilles heel is two-fold (Achilles heels? Achillesi heel?): (1) His films are too GD long and (2) he needs better female characters (and a few less dick jokes). I know that bitching about running times is so easy that even the douchehammer Ben Lyons does it, but seriously, the only way your comedy should be 145 minutes is if 35 of those minutes feature Evangeline Lilly, Rachel McAdams, and Natalie Portman engaging in activity that I know none of them will ever engage in. Trim it down and people will have more laughs per square second and that makes their opinion of the film go up and saves people like me from having to endure more of a movie I would have liked if it were less. As for the better female characters, I know that it's commonplace these days to have cookie-cutter ladies in your R-rated comedy, but seriously dude you can do better. Mix in an actual female writer or at least have one look over your film before you produce another clone of every one of the women in every one of your movies. Jeez, write a funny female character with brains and you'll be hailed as some kind of comedic second coming or, at the very least, not be stoned to death by intelligent women with good aim. Anyway, enjoy your 3-picture deal, Judd.