I would pay to see Seth Rogen actually fight Nic Cage

I don't think anybody really knows what the hell is going on with The Green Hornet. Seriously, after years of development, I'm not even sure I can identify the color green. The only theory I have is that the act of making this movie is some kind of performance art designed to make the heads of people like yours truly do the Scanners thing. Oddly enough, I believe this reaction to be the same one people have to this video shown to me via a post by my good friend Dave DeMarco.



Total aside, but my reaction to this footage was five fold: (1) I didn't know the dude who sang Chocolate Rain got his start in gay porn. (2) I'm 99% sure that if you tear off that guy's fake beard, underneath you'll find Nicholas Cage. (3) I will buy whatever beardo is selling. (4) Someone should wake up whoever fell asleep on the keyboard in the background. (5) If anyone has a copy of the screenplay, I ... Read Moreneed it. I want to make sure that the stage direction reads "Man with beard looks like he's orgasmically passing a kidney stone while Urkel develops Asperger's syndrome."

Anyhoo, back to the issue at hand. A brief stroll through the troubled timeline of Green Hornet is like taking a survey of a codependent's relationship history: It's scary, confusing, and you can understand the desire to sleep with most of the people involved. It began with news that Seth Rogen was going to shed the pounds (which he has, presumably using Dr. Leo Spaceman's methamphetamine diet "Do the Meth") and take on the role of the costumed crusader who had some link to The Lone Ranger. Steven Chow, the director of Kung Fu Hustle and earnest goofball, was slated to play Kato. "Ah," said the movie world, "We're getting a comedy." Notsofast my assumption-making reader. Rogen then assured the world that he was making a pseudo-serious film with kick-ass action. Then the film supposedly fell apart. Then Chow decided not to direct (if he ever was). Then they brought in Michael Gondry (because who doesn't think "let's get the guy who did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to do a generic superhero movie). Then Chow left. That brings us to the immediate past when two rumors began to be floated like turds in a spacious toilet. First came word that Cameron "No discernible talent" Diaz was thinking about the female love interest role (for a second, you thought she was going to be Kato, didn't you). Now comes word from Variety that Nic "I make Cameron Diaz seem talented" Cage is circling the role of the villain (in the movie, not in life...in life, he's got that part locked up). So, if you're keeping score at home, the movie has no Kato, possibly has Diaz and Cage, and Michael Gondry directing. Oh, and they're supposedly starting the shoot in a month or two. Oh, and the script could, according to Rogen who helped write it, go more serious or more comedic depending who they cast as Kato. Oh, and they're thinking about Dane Cook for Kato (okay, that one I made up). Insanity, Green Hornet be thy name.