Nicholas Cage keeps Green Hornet's streak alive

Has there been a more troubled unlikely-to-be-all-that-popular project in the last two decades than The Green Hornet? I mean, sure, we're all curious as to whether the Jew-fro'd Seth Rogen can possibly pull off a superhero movie that doesn't involve the hero smokin' a little sumthin' sumthin' to get "powers," but still. I won't recap everything but we're talking about a sordid history that originally involved Kevin Smith, the loss of a director and co-stars, and countless delays. Hell, my own attraction to the film has come in fits and starts. First I think, "hey, a movie directed by Steven Chow and starring him as Kato with Rogen as the Hornet would be great." Then Chow is out. Then they brought in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind director Michel Gondry and I was back like an unwanted winkie ulcer. Then they announced Cameron Diaz as the love interest and Nic Cage as the villain and I was out again. Now comes word from THR that Cage is out like a well-dressed musical enthusiast and I'm back baby. Cage dropped out to make more crappy-crap-crap-crap movies, like the upcoming Sorcerer's Apprentice (the live-action version of the Disney movie...nope, not kidding), a sequel to the Harvey Keitel wang exposer Bad Lieutenant, and now the movie he abandoned The Green Hornet for...which is something called The Hungry Rabbit Jumps. This means that we need a new villain for the Hornet (and to get rid of Diaz, but we're likely screwed there). My suggestion: Ryan Gosling. That guy has been MIA lately and I'm worried. Also, to celebrate Cage's departure...it's been too long since we did a little of this:



If he ever acknowledged my existence, Cage and I would have a relationship like Alex Trebeck and Sean Connery.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

This week has been slower than a slug stuck in molasses (I don't know, apparently I felt like using some kind of expression that you'd use if you were born in 1940s Mississippi). There hasn't been much news of any kind, let alone ones that weren't important enough to get their own post. Still, I'm nothing if not resourceful, so here's the top 5 things that STILL didn't stand out despite this week being quieter than a tongueless church mouse on Sunday.

1.) - The Hornet is gonna sting ya face! - Despite rumors that had Seth Rogen's Green Hornet deader than an armadillo with its shell split (I can't stop), it turns out the delay in the date of release for The Green Hornet wasn't a nice way of saying that it ain't gonna happen. Filming has started and Columbia pictures took the time to confirm some rumors. Tom Wilkinson and David Harbour have been added to Michel Gondry's cast. They look like this (image thanks to Slashfilm.com):

Nicholas Cage is still in negotiations to be the bad guy, and Cameron Diaz is still sluttin' it up in this. Do I want to see a superhero movie from Gondry starring Rogen? You bet yer ass I do. Do Wilkinson and (the now confirmed) Edward James Olmos inspire confidence in me? You bet yer ass they do. Do Diaz and Cage still make me shudder with fear of horrendous suckitude? You bet their talentless asses they do.

2.) Suck it Hancock - Speaking of superhero movies (which is just about all we do these days), Woody Harrelson is on the cusp of a potential return to relevance given his role in Zombieland and this new Defendor trailer. The movie looks like a creative, inspired little indie riff on the superhero genre; a breath of unique flavor, which is what Hancock could have been if it was done right and what Kick Ass may still be. For now, this little flick looks pretty damn intriguing. Check it out:



3.) We all know someone who loved Boondock Saints - That or YOU are the person who loved Boondock Saints, a somewhat clever, mostly effed up and weird little indie action movie that some people flipped their nuts for. Personally, I thought it was just okay. I watched it once and then went right on living my life. Other people practically started a religion out of it, which is why so many years later we have Boondock Saints 2, in which we can only hope that harm befalls others thanks to a toilet and Willem DeFoe's transsexual freakouts. Seriously, ask yourself why you loved that first movie if you did. My favorite tweet on the release of this IGN exclusive trailer was from Drew McWeeney at Hitfix: "What bet did they lose?"



4.) 3D can't be stopped - When suits find a way to make more money doing something they're already doing, you can probably be assured that they're going to do that, whether it's a good idea or not. Apparently, rumor has it they are retro-fitting Iron Man 2, which was not shot in 3D, to have some 3D scenes. They did the same thing with the Toy Story movies that they're re-releasing this fall and this is apparently going to become the norm. Why? Because they can charge you more for 3D movies. Really, that's it. I'm not saying that it can't deeply enrich a movie's experience, like it did with Up, but when it's not a part of the creative process and you just go back and shoehorn it in...well, being shoehorny is never a good thing. At the end of the day, this probably isn't all that significant, but it does represent a simple truth: 3D is taking over and you can't do shit about it.

5.) Me from 5-7 years ago just got really aroused - Used to be that there weren't no two hotter hotties than Dominique Swain (Lolita) and Shannyn Sossamon (A Knight's Tale). Mmmm, mmm were they smokin' hot. Now, Swain's been doing God knows what, and Sossamon's last role was a brief spot in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. I should point out, they're still very attractive women and they have joined forces for Road to Nowhere, a noirish romantic thriller in which Sossamon plays the femme fatale lead role. If we're being honest with each other, this is likely going direct to video. Still, given how much my blood pressure would have risen 5-7 years ago at this pairing (think Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis...actually don't if you're at work), I had to at least mention it.

I would pay to see Seth Rogen actually fight Nic Cage

I don't think anybody really knows what the hell is going on with The Green Hornet. Seriously, after years of development, I'm not even sure I can identify the color green. The only theory I have is that the act of making this movie is some kind of performance art designed to make the heads of people like yours truly do the Scanners thing. Oddly enough, I believe this reaction to be the same one people have to this video shown to me via a post by my good friend Dave DeMarco.



Total aside, but my reaction to this footage was five fold: (1) I didn't know the dude who sang Chocolate Rain got his start in gay porn. (2) I'm 99% sure that if you tear off that guy's fake beard, underneath you'll find Nicholas Cage. (3) I will buy whatever beardo is selling. (4) Someone should wake up whoever fell asleep on the keyboard in the background. (5) If anyone has a copy of the screenplay, I ... Read Moreneed it. I want to make sure that the stage direction reads "Man with beard looks like he's orgasmically passing a kidney stone while Urkel develops Asperger's syndrome."

Anyhoo, back to the issue at hand. A brief stroll through the troubled timeline of Green Hornet is like taking a survey of a codependent's relationship history: It's scary, confusing, and you can understand the desire to sleep with most of the people involved. It began with news that Seth Rogen was going to shed the pounds (which he has, presumably using Dr. Leo Spaceman's methamphetamine diet "Do the Meth") and take on the role of the costumed crusader who had some link to The Lone Ranger. Steven Chow, the director of Kung Fu Hustle and earnest goofball, was slated to play Kato. "Ah," said the movie world, "We're getting a comedy." Notsofast my assumption-making reader. Rogen then assured the world that he was making a pseudo-serious film with kick-ass action. Then the film supposedly fell apart. Then Chow decided not to direct (if he ever was). Then they brought in Michael Gondry (because who doesn't think "let's get the guy who did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to do a generic superhero movie). Then Chow left. That brings us to the immediate past when two rumors began to be floated like turds in a spacious toilet. First came word that Cameron "No discernible talent" Diaz was thinking about the female love interest role (for a second, you thought she was going to be Kato, didn't you). Now comes word from Variety that Nic "I make Cameron Diaz seem talented" Cage is circling the role of the villain (in the movie, not in life...in life, he's got that part locked up). So, if you're keeping score at home, the movie has no Kato, possibly has Diaz and Cage, and Michael Gondry directing. Oh, and they're supposedly starting the shoot in a month or two. Oh, and the script could, according to Rogen who helped write it, go more serious or more comedic depending who they cast as Kato. Oh, and they're thinking about Dane Cook for Kato (okay, that one I made up). Insanity, Green Hornet be thy name.