Movie Review: The Box

There was actually more I wanted to say about The Box than could fit in my tiny review...like how there seems to be a touch of misogyny in the people pushing the button, how writer/director Richard Kelly explains virtually nothing but still satisfies in an intriguing way, or how much I really wanted to like the pretty, pretty movie while watching it...but all that gave way to one specific point that needed to be reiterated strongly. Read on.

She Must Be Stopped
The Box is another Diaz-aster

Once more, blood adorns the oft-stained hands of Cameron Diaz, professional movie killer. We’ll never know if writer/director Richard Kelly’s The Box could have grown up to be an offbeat little sci-fi treasure now that Diaz, the cinematic slaughterer, bludgeoned the film to death in its infancy with her vile rendition of a southern accent. Diaz, the film flayer, gave away the ending of the flick at a panel during the San Diego Comic Convention back in July, proving that this was clearly premeditated murder. But before we further prosecute Diaz, let’s take a minute to remember the victim.

The “Twilight Zone” episode “Button, Button” was based on a Richard Matheson short story of the same name, which was repurposed into The Box, a movie that Cameron Diaz ruined. Arlington Steward (Frank Langella), a man missing half his face, drops a box off at the home of Norma (Diaz) and Arthur Lewis (James Marsden). Inside the package is a button that, if pushed, will grant the couple a million dollars and kill someone the duo doesn’t know. This is a less effective means of inflicting harm than the one Diaz has discovered: making as many movies as possible.

On-screen grenades don’t often go unexploded, so the button is obviously pushed, and the result is an orgy of sci-fi ideas weaved into a potentially compelling cat’s cradle. Out of respect, and as a sign of intelligence greater than that possessed by Cameron Diaz, the rest of the plot shouldn’t be discussed with those who haven’t seen the film, but be assured that fans of Kelly’s directorial debut Donnie Darko will revisit some surprisingly familiar ground.

Kelly’s film had plenty to overcome without the voluntary manslaughter committed via Diaz’s acting; the discussion over whether to basically commit murder to get rich is truncated into sparse bursts of laughable dialogue (presumably because Kelly wanted to use as little footage of Diaz speaking as possible), and the entire third act is a weird mash-up of “The X-Files” and Children of the Corn.

Although sometimes choppy and often maddeningly vague, The Box would have survived were it not for Diaz’s malicious maiming. When will her reign of terror end? When will people realize that the world is not in short supply of blonds with the ability to make words come out of their faces? Here’s hoping that it ends here. Here’s hoping that The Box is her final victim.

Grade - C

Nicholas Cage keeps Green Hornet's streak alive

Has there been a more troubled unlikely-to-be-all-that-popular project in the last two decades than The Green Hornet? I mean, sure, we're all curious as to whether the Jew-fro'd Seth Rogen can possibly pull off a superhero movie that doesn't involve the hero smokin' a little sumthin' sumthin' to get "powers," but still. I won't recap everything but we're talking about a sordid history that originally involved Kevin Smith, the loss of a director and co-stars, and countless delays. Hell, my own attraction to the film has come in fits and starts. First I think, "hey, a movie directed by Steven Chow and starring him as Kato with Rogen as the Hornet would be great." Then Chow is out. Then they brought in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind director Michel Gondry and I was back like an unwanted winkie ulcer. Then they announced Cameron Diaz as the love interest and Nic Cage as the villain and I was out again. Now comes word from THR that Cage is out like a well-dressed musical enthusiast and I'm back baby. Cage dropped out to make more crappy-crap-crap-crap movies, like the upcoming Sorcerer's Apprentice (the live-action version of the Disney movie...nope, not kidding), a sequel to the Harvey Keitel wang exposer Bad Lieutenant, and now the movie he abandoned The Green Hornet for...which is something called The Hungry Rabbit Jumps. This means that we need a new villain for the Hornet (and to get rid of Diaz, but we're likely screwed there). My suggestion: Ryan Gosling. That guy has been MIA lately and I'm worried. Also, to celebrate Cage's departure...it's been too long since we did a little of this:



If he ever acknowledged my existence, Cage and I would have a relationship like Alex Trebeck and Sean Connery.

I would pay to see Seth Rogen actually fight Nic Cage

I don't think anybody really knows what the hell is going on with The Green Hornet. Seriously, after years of development, I'm not even sure I can identify the color green. The only theory I have is that the act of making this movie is some kind of performance art designed to make the heads of people like yours truly do the Scanners thing. Oddly enough, I believe this reaction to be the same one people have to this video shown to me via a post by my good friend Dave DeMarco.



Total aside, but my reaction to this footage was five fold: (1) I didn't know the dude who sang Chocolate Rain got his start in gay porn. (2) I'm 99% sure that if you tear off that guy's fake beard, underneath you'll find Nicholas Cage. (3) I will buy whatever beardo is selling. (4) Someone should wake up whoever fell asleep on the keyboard in the background. (5) If anyone has a copy of the screenplay, I ... Read Moreneed it. I want to make sure that the stage direction reads "Man with beard looks like he's orgasmically passing a kidney stone while Urkel develops Asperger's syndrome."

Anyhoo, back to the issue at hand. A brief stroll through the troubled timeline of Green Hornet is like taking a survey of a codependent's relationship history: It's scary, confusing, and you can understand the desire to sleep with most of the people involved. It began with news that Seth Rogen was going to shed the pounds (which he has, presumably using Dr. Leo Spaceman's methamphetamine diet "Do the Meth") and take on the role of the costumed crusader who had some link to The Lone Ranger. Steven Chow, the director of Kung Fu Hustle and earnest goofball, was slated to play Kato. "Ah," said the movie world, "We're getting a comedy." Notsofast my assumption-making reader. Rogen then assured the world that he was making a pseudo-serious film with kick-ass action. Then the film supposedly fell apart. Then Chow decided not to direct (if he ever was). Then they brought in Michael Gondry (because who doesn't think "let's get the guy who did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to do a generic superhero movie). Then Chow left. That brings us to the immediate past when two rumors began to be floated like turds in a spacious toilet. First came word that Cameron "No discernible talent" Diaz was thinking about the female love interest role (for a second, you thought she was going to be Kato, didn't you). Now comes word from Variety that Nic "I make Cameron Diaz seem talented" Cage is circling the role of the villain (in the movie, not in life...in life, he's got that part locked up). So, if you're keeping score at home, the movie has no Kato, possibly has Diaz and Cage, and Michael Gondry directing. Oh, and they're supposedly starting the shoot in a month or two. Oh, and the script could, according to Rogen who helped write it, go more serious or more comedic depending who they cast as Kato. Oh, and they're thinking about Dane Cook for Kato (okay, that one I made up). Insanity, Green Hornet be thy name.