Eastwood to examine afterlife, likely for personal reasons

I'm not the world's biggest Clint Eastwood fan. The world's biggest Clint Eastwood fan lives in an attic in Minnetonka, Minnesota and has a life-size Eastwood sculpture made entirely of fingernails. I like to believe I made that up, but there's likely some guy in Minnetonka right now going "NOOOO my secret...MY SECRET!" I don't like Eastwood that much at all, to be honest, which people are shocked to discover, until I remind them that this man did several movies where a chimp orangutan was his costar. That's not funny, that's real.



He has multiple Oscars and is considered a living legend. That's him next to the chimp orangutan above. Just saying. Anyway, Eastwood swears he is done acting in movies after he gave the last that he had to give starring as everybody's favorite redeemable bigot in last year's surprise hit Gran Torino, which is Italian for "saggy man boobs." Next up for the chimp-lover is Hereafter, which is going to allow a lot of insensitive people like me to make jokes about how Eastwood is old. The film is written by Peter Morgan, who wrote the brilliant Frost/Nixon and is working on Bond 23, so that's a good start. Also, it stars Matt Damon, which...next to Eastwood NOT starring is the best news so far. The film is supposedly a "supernatural thriller," but Movieline got a bead on things, revealing that it's actually a tense drama (go figure) about three people contemplating the afterlife. There, now that's the boring stuff I'm used to from old Clint! Damon's character can see dead people, and two other characters have near-death or death-related experiences that Eastwood will likely melodramatically explore. I suppose with Damon and Morgan involved, it could be good, but Moses supposes his toeses are roses, so think about that.

Update: An astute reader pointed out I misidentified the animal above. Also, I apparently called the orangutan a chimp.