Movie Review: Hereafter

Justin reviewed this one so I didn't have to. FYI: I totally got his back and have absolutely no remorse about another Eastwood panning. Suck it, Filthy Harry.

Slow Death
Eastwood almost makes a movie about the afterlife
Justin Senkbile

No matter how deserving it may be, there’s no way to feel good about panning a Clint Eastwood movie. The man is a force of nature: in just the last two years he’s directed and produced four films, composed the score for two of them and starred in one. And he’s 80. His resume certainly demands respect; unfortunately his latest film, Hereafter, is a silly, sappy mess.

Hereafter hops around the globe visiting its three main characters. First there’s Marie LeLay (Cécile de France), a Parisian journalist who’s just miraculously survived a tsunami, albeit with some odd after effects. Then there’s Marcus (Frankie McLaren), a young London boy with a junkie mother whose twin brother has recently died. And finally, our star Matt Damon plays George Lonegan, a disillusioned psychic turned factory worker.

Obviously, what these three characters have in common is their proximity to death, either their own or someone else’s. What's strange is that Eastwood doesn’t ever explore grief, fear of death or even spirituality. He simply describes people who have a close relationship to death. For over two hours. Sounds weird, right?

Death and loss are obviously compelling themes, but to make this story (by Peter Morgan, writer of Frost/Nixon and The Queen) work, they also have to remain pretty evanescent. The simplest explanation for Hereafter’s failure is that Eastwood, a product of traditional Hollywood genre cinema and one of the most classical directors working today, just isn’t suited for such a job. His old world instincts result in a film that, although clearly a very personal work, is so full of plot, details and explanations that there isn’t any room for the audience to reflect upon their own experiences and impressions of death and grief. More than the editing (there isn't nearly enough of it) or the dialogue (needs several re-writes), this is Hereafter’s essential problem. It’s like Norman Rockwell trying to work with Picasso’s perspective. Hats off for giving it a shot, but it’s not surprising that it didn’t quite work.

The overall film is disappointing, but quality tends to vary from scene to scene. And the same goes for the acting, with each of our principal cast members pulling off a genuinely compelling scene or two, only to deliver a strikingly awkward line reading a few moments later. Bryce Dallas Howard, as Melanie, a bubbly night school classmate of George's, leaves one of the film's few lasting impressions in this department, though she only appears briefly.

The bottom line is that in 129 minutes, I found only three reasons to see this movie: one wonderfully acted kitchen scene between Damon and Howard, one hilariously awful scene outside a palatial French hospital, and Miss de France, because she’s adorable. Everything else either feels emotionally shallow or is, frankly, uninteresting.

In spite of all this, let’s keep our hopes up for Eastwood’s next film. God knows its right around the corner.

Grade: D-

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Um, there is no choice here

Did you know that Amy Adams used to be a Hooter's girl?
So let that be a lesson to all douches making lewd comments and considering inappropriate touching, as well as an inspiration to those working for a tasteless establishment named after slang for your body parts who are constantly besieged by the gropers and the pinchers! Be nice to Hooter girl because Hooter girl may one day become hella-famous! If, by some chance, you do end up walking in Ms. Adams' overpriced pumps, hopefully you do not make a simple decision more complicated as the delightful redhead is currently doing. See, she has a choice between three roles right now:

1. Opposite Matt Damon in director Cameron Crowe's We Bought a Zoo, in which she would play the wife of a man who...um...bought a zoo
2. Opposite Chris Pine in first-time director Alex Kurtzman's Welcome to People, in which she would play a single mother and struggling alcoholic
3. Opposite MUPPETS IN THE NEW MUPPET MOVIE

For real? This is a dilemma for you? Is the dilemma how to tell Crowe and Kurtzman they can suckity suck suck it? Is it that you don't want Damon and Pine's feelings to be hurt that you'd rather rub up against Gonzo? Seriously, what the problem is? You get offered a chance to act with Kermit, YOU DO IT! I can only hope for the sake of the legacy that is "The Girl from Hooters who Made Good" that she chooses well. That, or I'm going to have a new preemptive tip to hand out to those Hooter waitresses. I kid, of course, as I've never set foot in a Hooters because I value dignity.

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Slow news day (volume three)

This is the last one and I'm giving up. In the interest of fairness, I reported when some no-name actress joined the cast of Moneyball, a movie that Steven Soderbergh was going to direct, so I will now mention the latest actor to join Soderbergh's new project: Contagion. Before we get to the nameless dude who just signed on today, let's recap who is in this tale that sounds like Traffic meets 28 Days Later. Matt Damon and Jude Law are pulling down the dude work (with Damon pulling down more than Law...seriously, Law is so pretty that he wouldn't look flat-out manly eating a raw waterbuffalo, while rebuilding his Mustang and peeing standing up). The ladies...well, the ladies represent one of the finer collection of people I really want to be in a room with. Marion Cotillard, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Kate Winslet are all in this movie that I need to be watching right now. Cotillard, fresh off of her performance in Inception, which I am going to be reviewing soon, I swear, is just so uniquely beautiful and talented that I can hardly believe we actually let her get famous. Oh, right, this is a post about the new person added to the cast. It's John Hawkes, who played the translator in this season of "Lost" and was in "Deadwood." In other words, those interested in ladies get to look at this:

And those interested in dudes get to look at this:

This completes the slowest news day in weeks.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Why, good morning you beautiful blog-enthusiasts! Once more, I'd like to congratulate you on both surviving until Thursday and your immense curiosity about my junk (I don't blame you, it's huge this week). As always, congressional rules and my good upbringing require me to mention that I don't mean what you think I mean when I say junk. Oh, great googly moogly, no. What I actually mean is that I'm about to present unto you a collection of movie tidbits that are too small to warrant an actual, full blog post unto themselves. That sentence had two "untos" in it, which means I win that game of bizarre blogger bingo I've been playing. Anyhoodle, the other tradition we partake in before getting started is weird. I'm just being honest. I don't know why I started it or why I continue it other than it's tradition and it amuses me. What we do is look at the creepy image of a junk drawer (taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN) and pick an item from it to write a funny, weird-ass story about. Today's item is the screw in the middle of the drawer. Sally was a sentient screw. Fully conscious and very much filled with intellect and awareness, Sally discovered that her major obstacle in life was not the rampant invasion of her screw-person by a Philips-head screw driver (she rather liked that, to be honest) so much as it was her complete lack of a mouth. She had tried to communicate with God, the giant being who moved her to and fro with his giant hands, by scratching out words in the wood, but he only blamed his children, the Godlings who once shoved Sally up their noses. She had managed to work her way from the wall back into a safer place after years of trying. Now, if only she could convince the twine next to her to forgo the centuries of conflict between the screw people and the rope people, maybe she'd have a chance...

Okay, enough shenanigans, let's get to this week's junk!

1.) An idea so good it won't happen - I thoroughly enjoyed Sherlock Holmes, and not just for the rampant Rachel McAdams-ness of it (although, wow did that not hurt things). It was a good time and a nice introduction to the new versions of Holmes and Watson, who are totally gay for each other. If you don't get that comment, I'll just briefly summarize that the wench who owns the rights to the characters took such umbrage at Robert Downey Jr's suggestion that there was homoerotic tension between the two leads that she threatened to deny future use. I took that as an invitation to assert that Watson is the pocket for Holmes's magnifying glass as often as possible. I may not be able to teach her tolerance, but I can damn sure guarantee ample material will be found when she sadly Googles Sherlock Holmes + Watson + Gay Lovers. Back to the movie. The problem wasn't the Brokeback-ing; the problem was the villain, who was just weird and irrelevant. Well, Superherohype.com claims this won't be a problem next time. Early rumors had it that Brad Pitt, good buddy to director Guy Ritchie, had shot a cameo as Moriarty. Well, he didn't. So who may play perhaps the greatest supervillain ever in the next flick? Oh, howsabout this guy?

I realize the chances of DDL deciding to forgo his dedication to offbeat projects with incredible artists directing them is slim, but boy howdy would he be a great Moriarty. His role in Gangs of New York remains one of the best villainous performances ever. This may all be pipe dreams (get it, Holmes smokes a pipe...and Watson), but I'm holding out hope big time.

2.) Redemption, Damon by thy name! - I want so badly for Cameron Crowe to come back to us. As I've mentioned before, homeboy straight killed every movie he touched before dropping Elizabethtown on our faces and running away, screaming "Damn you, Dunst! Damn you and your weird teeth straight to hell!" That movie was dead in the casting phase, as somehow he picked Orlando Bloom to carry an entire film that seemed written around creating another good soundtrack (a Crowe staple). Well, if casting is a concern this time, Variety has some good news: Matt Damon is the front-runner for the lead in We Bought a Zoo. Based on the true story of a family with no zoo experience who bought a zoo to live in, the film will likely be schmaltzy and have too much animal humor for my liking (my liking is for zero animal humor). Still, if Damon takes the lead, I feel good about it. Dude doesn't pick a lot of bad projects. I hope this is a sign that Crowe is back on the road to awesome, a place where the Bloom/Dunst population is zero.

3.) Escape from this idea - MovieWeb has an interview with Breck Eisner. Yes, calm down, the guy who directed Sahara does still occasionally give interviews to us mere mortals. He's going to direct the Escape from New York remake, which should in no way happen so it will. In discussing ridiculous things about how 9/11 has some kind of influence on the remake of a campy John Carpenter film, he dropped the news that he would like Timothy Olyphant to play the Snake Plisskin part. That's a really good idea, if the rest of this wasn't such a bad idea. That's like saying, "let's take our Hispanic family and move to Arizona where I have a winning lottery ticket to cash in." See, on the one hand, you're rich...but you still live in Arizona. Whenever I think of Olyphant, I'm reminded of when I saw Kevin Smith at the comic con shortly after he filmed Catch and Release. He told this great story about how he and Olyphant almost came to blows after Smith said something to the extent of "This ain't 'Deadwood,' Olyphant, you aren't sheriff here." That's just great. Smith also talked about dirty things Ben Affleck told him about Jennifer Garner. I liked that even more than the Olyphant story. So, quick recap: Remaking Escape from New York is a terrible idea. Timothy Olyphant rocks, but shouldn't be in this turd. You shouldn't move to Arizona if you're Hispanic because they will look at you cruelly even if you're rich. Jennifer Garner does weird dirty stuff.

4.) I was already freaking out, now I'm freaking out harder - Peter Travers reviewed Inception way early. Why not? That dude likes EVERYTHING. If I made a movie, I would send it to him first and beg him to release his review. Seriously, if you played a drinking game at your local theater (I don't recommend it...okay, yes I do) where you took a shot every time you walked past a poster with a splash quote from "Rolling Stone" Magazine's quote whore, you would die. What's interesting is that, as Slashfilm notes, the part of his review with zero spoilers (the only part I'd read, I want to go into this one dark) isn't what Warner Brothers would want him to say, even though it's incredibly positive. Here's the excerpt: "We’re so used to being treated like idiots. How to cope with a grand-scale epic, shot in six countries at a reported cost of $160 million, that turns your head around six ways from Sunday? Dive in and drive yourself crazy, that’s how." See, normally old Pete just repeats the company tagline, calling any summer blockbuster a "thrill-ride" and any significant Oscar candidate "A sure-fire Oscar contender." Here, the company friendly play would have been to punch up comparisons to The Matrix and talk about the visuals and exciting action aspects. Instead, he more or less calls it really smart and suggests it's almost an art film. Now, while that's what I want to hear (and boy howdy did it whip me into even more of a frenzy for this flick), I'm guessing Warner Brothers will be searching hard for a quote somewhere in the review that reads "Leonardo DiCaprio is dreamy and the movie is an explosion-fest that even morons will love." Oh, and one more word of warning, do keep yourself limited to Inception coverage on the interwebs. Spoilers are afoot and you don't want to be spoiled, even on your feet.

5.) Trailers, parked - Perhaps the best cast in a movie being made right now is the cast for Red, based on a graphic novel by lunatic and genius Warren Ellis (the comic book writer whose twitter you simply should follow, if only for his brilliant, French-blasting World Cup tweets). Now we have a full trailer, which only serves to further excite me with its fun tone and incredible use of ageless beauty Mary Louise Parker. I'm easily excitable today, I guess. Here it is:

Finally, we have Tomorrow, When the War Began. It's not Red Dawn. Why not? Um, because it's set in Australia...and they have Australian accents? Other than that, it is 100% Red Dawn. This may be a good thing, because the Red Dawn remake supposedly has hit a boatload of snags, so we may never see that. Instead, we get to see the exact same movie, only with weird accents. I'm okay with that.



Alright, that's my junk for the week. Back at you tomorrow for the start of a relaxing weekend, right?

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I won't pretend this isn't an excuse to post an Isla Fisher picture

Despite being reminded yesterday that both my mother and mother-in-law read this blog from time to time, it is my duty...NAY, my life's purpose to use any mention of an Isla Fisher movie as an excuse to remind Americans how adorable this little redhead is. Look at her?!
See? Adorable, right? She's also married to Sasha Baron Cohen, which gets her extra cool points in anyone's book. So, the tiny tidbit that is really just an excuse for me to drop this picture here is that her new film, Desperadoes, just got a director. The film, which has been called a female Hangover, is going to be directed by Wayne McClammy. Now, I know what you're thinking. Yes, Wayne McClammy is the best real-life porn name ever. (Alternate joke: Now, I know what you're thinking. Yes, Wayne McClammy is your vulgar college roomate's nickname for his genitals. Alternate joke 2: Yes, Wayne McClammy is Glenn Beck's witness protection program name. This could go on forever.) Who he really is, is the guy who directed both of these:





So, what we have here is a good news, good news, good news, bad news situation. Good news! Here's an Isla Fisher picture. Good news! They're finally giving women a chance to be just as funny and raunchy as guys (which is actually great news). Good news! The guy directing it had a hand in two of the funniest TV-based sketches in recent years. Bad news! That man's name is still McClammy.

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Movie Review: Green Zone

I'm not going to lie to you...this is not the refreshed feeling I hoped to have come Monday morning. I kind of thought I would be skipping my way into here, ready to deliver unto you the best my wit and the world of movies had to offer. ALAS! Such a thing is not to be. Instead, I remain moderately surly and significantly lazy. Perhaps it is the nut punch of Daylight Savings Time. Perhaps is that I am just chronically fatigued. Perhaps it is that I am a whiner. Who is to say, really? So, my first post of the day is just a review of Green Zone, which I liked. See that, that's not even mildly clever. That's just a statement of fact. "I liked it." It's like saying "Today is Monday" or "The sun rises in the morning" or "Glenn Beck should be lit on fire." Just obvious, boring statements of fact. Anyway, here's my review.

WWMDD About WMDs
What would Matt Damon do about WMDs?

The Hurt Locker was praised for eschewing the politics of the Iraq war, which is great and all, except for the fact that war is entirely political. Green Zone reminds us of this at gunpoint, with Matt Damon’s fictional character, Chief Warrant Officer Roy Miller, focusing on a real issue about which our elected officials have gone amnesiac. The United States declared war, a war that has claimed tens of thousands of lives, on a lie. Oopsie daisy.

Working from Rajiv Chandrasekaran’s book “Imperial Life in the Emerald City: Inside Iraq’s Green Zone,” screenwriter Brian Helgeland blended up a fact/fiction cocktail that director Paul Greengrass juiced with his patented hyper-edited action sequences. The film opens with Miller frustrated, as yet another “thoroughly vetted piece of intel” proves to be hooey. Miller smells a rat, and to the dismay of Washington weasel Clark Poundstone (Greg Kinnear), begins asking whether the case for WMDs was B.S.

Miller’s only ally is CIA agent Martin Brown (Brendan Gleeson), who is as concerned with the bad intel as he is with the dumb-ass decision to disband the Iraqi Republican Army, a tactical error now recognized as the real birth of the insurgency. Following breadcrumbs dropped by journalist Lawrie Dayne (Amy Ryan) and a local informant named Freddy (Khalid Abdalla), Miller hangs his hope of exposing the hoax on finding Iraqi General Al Rawi (Yigal Naor). Then fiction diverges from reality with a cathartic exercise in bullets and accusations that comprise a resolution the American people aren’t likely to experience.

Green Zone is messy, with Gleeson and Ryan serving as walking, talking plot devices who aren’t even given much walking and talking to do. No characters are given any substance, but Damon barks angrily enough that we’re inclined to forget. The pace is all “hurry up and wait.” And the now infamous Greengrass dictum “tripods are for sissies,” leaves the audience exhausted. And yet, the substance is so meaty, so thought-provoking that it’s a wonder Green Zone ever got a green light. The action is just a ruse, an excuse to remind audiences about something we’ve forgotten.

It’s best summarized like this: At one point, Poundstone spews gibberish about how rebuilding Iraq is all that matters now, not the reasons for war. Miller grabs his throat and informs him that the reasons for war always matter, that they’re all that matters. Damon may as well have had his hands around our throats. But, alas, it’s just fiction.

Grade = B

Also, just for fun on a Monday.



That's how the film should have ended.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Welcome one and all to that glorious time of the week during which I show the world my junk! And by my junk, I mean movie tidbits that I didn't turn into full blog posts and not my genitals because that would be (A) gross and (B) illegal. As is our special weekly tradition, let's take a second to make up a completely fabricated and creepy story about an item from the drawing of a junk drawer above that came from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN (I emphasize the children part because, seriously, look at that picture...you know that hand is attached to a body that's up to no good). Today's item is the fuzzy thread in the middle of the drawer. After years of inventing, Sammy finally completed the necessary logarithms and equations and EUREKA! Monkey dynamite. The hardest thing about the monkey dynamite is getting the fuse lit, what with all the fuzzy hair on it. But once you get it lit, the explosion that results is just bananas.

Okay, moving quickly on to this week's news nuggets!

1.) Two for the Zoo? - People I really like on the interwebs (like Slashfilm, Latinoreview, Chud, Darkhorizons) pretty much universally hate Nikki Finke. I can see why. She ignores other people's scoops and treats them like she was the one who first found them and seems, by all accounts and stories, to be kind of a douchenozzle. What sucks is, she keeps getting the scoops, because apparently people in Hollywood LOVE douchenozzles. This should come as great relief to a number of people I know, who should move to Hollywood ASAP. Anyway, Finke, Finke Douchenozzle, as she shall now be called, has learned that Iron Man 2 and Tropic Thunder screenwriter Justin Theroux is working with Ben Stiller on a script for Zoolander 2. This is good, because Zoolander is actually pretty damn funny. I know some people don't "get it," but any time male models are killed in a "tragic gasoline fight" and someone corrects Jon Voight by saying "MerMAN, dad, MerMAN," it's funny. Plus, Theroux wrote the line "never go full retard," which means he should be rich forever in my eyes, as it may be the funniest four word combination in recent history. Jonah Hill is supposedly in talks to play the bad guy, which actually is kind of just okay for me. I'm kind of growing tired of Hill and I hope he's ready to broaden (not literally, dude needs to lose some LBs pretty fast yo, he's beyond unhealthy) his horizons past his usual schtick. We don't need another Jack Black on our hands. At any rate, Zoolander grew on me, so I hope this one is equally as stupidly awesome. Bonus points if they get Billy Zane back.

2.) Gaga for Goyer? - Latino Review hates Finke Finke Douchenozzle more than everyone else to the point where they spent the whole day yesterday in full-on spaz mode on twitter patting themselves on the back for getting a pretty bad ass scoop yesterday that Finke didn't get. I'm proud of them, sure, but like 27 tweets from various LR folks giving Finke Finke Douchenozzle the finger got a little laborious. Then again, I say that as a person who hasn't scooped anything but ice cream and Raisin Bran. Anyhoodle, their scoop was that David Goyer will write Superman: Man of Steel, the new Superman project overseen by Christopher Nolan. Supposedly, the script involves Lex Luthor and Braniac, introduces a boatload of Kryptonian mythology, and is generally exciting. Well, kind of. See, I don't really like David Goyer that much. I think his writing is really, really spotty. Don't believe me? Sure, he wrote THE STORY for The Dark Knight (which can be boiled down to the Joker does some shit), but he also wrote the following: Kickboxer 2, The Crow: City of Angels, the Nick Fury TV movie, Blade Trinity, and Jumper. If you want to get technical, I loved Dark City (which he wrote the entire screenplay for and was incredible) and liked (not loved) his Batman Begins and Dark Knight scripts. That's it. Other than that, he's a crapmaster. Not okay, not so-so, but a CRAP master. I'm just saying, the fact that he was involved with good Batman movies doesn't mean he may save Superman. There's a chance we could get dialogue like this:
3.) Will Cap put the Red Skull's gun in jello? - Among the news that's had comic fans more apoplectic than the GOP after they found out Democrats may do something that helps people, THR reported earlier this week that Marvel is narrowing the list of potential Captain Americas. Also, Marvel is a bunch of effin' cheapskates. The article said basically that they're offering $300,000 to an unknown to be the lead in a movie that will likely make $75 million or more opening weekend. Suck on that. Also, the actor has to sign a NINE picture deal. What's next, does Marvel demand a "prima nocturne" rule and get to have its execs bang the wife of the new Captain America? Seriously, guys, get a good actor not the cheapest. The list now includes that Scott Porter (Friday Night Lights), Mike Vogel (Cloverfield), Michael Cassidy (Smallville), and Patrick Flueger ( The 4400), none of whom I could identify for all the blow at New York's fashion week. I can identify this guy though:
Yeah, that's right, John Krasinski is on the short list for Captain America. I have to say this, I don't mind it. Yeah, it SEEMS ridiculous because he's Jim from "The Office," right? But (A) I believe him to be a talented actor (yes, really). I also believe he'd get YOKED for the role because he knows it would be necessary. I also think he's going to be better than the no-names I listed above. Seriously, I don't WANT Krasinski in the role, but of that short list I mentioned above, who would you rather have? A guy like Krasinski or somebody from "Smallville?" Really.

4.) When, God? When will Matt Damon get his acting Oscar? - This won't stop until we give him an Oscar. Sure, we may get the occasional Green Zone or Bourne, but we're mostly going to get Invictus and shit until Matt Damon is given the golden statue. What do I mean? Nikki Nikki Douchenozzle is reporting that Damon will play Bobby Kennedy. What other reason is there to play a dead politician than hoisting an Oscar? Seriously. For the record, this movie could be good. Also, I think Damon DESERVES an Oscar. We live in a world where Adrian Brody has one and Matt Damon doesn't. Also, there's this:




5.) Trailers, Parked - A few goodies this week, with two of the three being new versions of trailers for movies we've seen glimpses of already. First up is the new Nightmare On Elm Street trailer, which looks as fun as the other stuff we've seen. I know it's a remake, but Jackie Earle Haley kind of rules and I like Freddy Kreuger. It's not run-of-the-mill horror, so I like playing around in this world, even if that sounds vaguely dirty. I'm not saying I'm there opening night, but I will be there.



Waking Sleeping Beauty is a great look at the birth of the era of Disney that made my childhood. From 1984-1994, Disney animation was simply fantastic. This largely home-video-style documentary will make me long for the days when not everything was CGI and Shrek 4 seemed impossible.



Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps may be a train wreck. It also may totally rule. I GET why there can be a sequel to this movie now. I GET why there are new things that can be said about how we've evolved financially and culturally since the 1980s. I like Shia LeBeouf, I like Oliver Stone, and I love Josh Brolin. I have no idea if all of this can come together in a quality film but this trailer actually gave me more hope than the weird-ass first one. See what you think.



Okay, that's my junk for this week! See you tomorrow to close out this big ole week in style, bitches.

Bourne again?

Empire magazine talked to Matt Damon, who for some reason will talk to them but won't answer my calls. At the UK premiere of Invictus, which I keep forgetting exists, he was asked the inevitable Bourne question. His answer was honest: "There’ll probably be a prequel of some kind with another actor and another director before we do another one, just because I think we’re probably another five years away from doing it - we’ve got to get a script." Damon could give a barbecued iguana whether or not he returns to the franchise. He's always, always, always been more concerned about making the movies HE wants to make than anything else. I love that about him. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that if I were making a list of A-list actors doin' it right, he'd be in the top 3. His comment about the "prequel" is interesting, because there does seem to be ample room for Bourne adventures in the past. Presumably, Jimmy B had TONS of adventures of the killin' kind before he went all amnesiac on everybody. Instead of making yet another "who is screwing me over" movie, they could just make some bad-ass action movies about his missions and assignments, even some set a bit in the past, which would be rad. Knowing what the suits think, they're going to want to keep Bourne "searching for answers," even though at this point he pretty much knows more about himself than most well adjusted people. The rumor has been that they're seeking a big-name director to woo Damon back, since he had previously said he had to work with Paul Greengrass or he wouldn't do another Bourne movie. But I can't think of a director who would be willing to accept who would be capable of wooing him back. Maybe I'm wrong, but this sounds like Damon is right. Bourne is headed down remake/prequel road. Next stop: Suck.

Clint Eastwood apologies to me

Look, Clint, I'm not saying I don't understand why everybody trips balls over your work. I get it, really. I mean, you're old and shit, so everybody in Hollywood knows you from when you were a mediocre actor with only two emotions: seething rage and gruff love. You're beloved by suits because you tend to make blatant Oscar bait that leaves little if any lasting impression (for realsies, when was the last time anyone you know said "You know what I want to watch? Mystic River.") You are lauded with praise even when your movie is racist (seriously, Gran Torino isn't good...it just isn't), and your latest effort has Morgan Freeman playing Nelson Mandela, which is casting so obvious and so destined to be praised that it almost doesn't even need to be filmed to win awards. So, yes, I get that you don't HAVE to do anything that I like in order to be hailed as a cinematic genius, even if that's like considering twinkies to be an elite food because a billion people eat them daily (that's a statistic...it's wrong, but it is a statistic)...but I really appreciate you making an effort by casting Bryce Dallas Howard in your new supernatural thriller, The Hereafter, starring Matt Damon.

Bryce is still the best work of Ron Howard's life, and I'm eager to see her in just about anything that has the potential of not totally sucking. Meanwhile, I wonder if Eastwood will use super ripped Matt Damon or goofy fatty Matt Damon. Either way, he'll win.

Clint, now this doesn't mean we're friends. I'm not going to start endorsing your crap for awards season, but you knew that anyway. Also, I want it on record that every year you age, I get slightly less convinced you could take me in a fight. Right now, I'm about 35% sure I could whip you.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

It's one of those slow, lazy kind of days. The kind where I am, at best, going to give you a peek inside my junk drawer and then call it a day. Oh, don't act all sad like you want more than that, this blog is verbose, and I prattle on for way too long each time out anyway. You probably just skim through it, so you can make do with this one-stop buffet of tasty film nuggets until tomorrow...mmmm, tomorrow. Do you think if the days of the week were people that they would all hate Friday, who would obviously be the most attractive one? You think Thursday would be all "Friday has herpes, I heard it from Tuesday." Meanwhile, Monday is constantly attempting suicide, only to find that the universe won't allow the sweet release of death...this is what I think of when I'm tired.

Here's what's in my junk drawer this week:

1.) Because nobody can get enough Bruce Campbell - Slashfilm.com alerted me (okay, and other people as well) to the fact that Evil Dead is being re-released in theaters as a midnight feature. This is not that big of a deal to people who live in Omaha (we're that cool), as The Dundee Theatre has shown Evil Dead 2 as a midnight feature several times (including, you know, Tomorrow and Saturday). Still, what it represents is a potential move by certain production companies to attempt to get "classic" cult films back into movie houses. This is a great idea...so look for it to be abandoned soon. I remember that years and years ago (before Dundee was doing it), a local theater brought Raiders of the Lost Ark back to the big screen. I had never seen it that way, and so my Dad and I went. It was probably one of my top 5 movie-going experiences. Anyway, I'm rambling (go figure), but look for this:

To be coming back near you sometime soon. Rad.

2.) This is why I'm mad at someone you know - Unless one guy has built a house out of copies of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, there's a lot of sick bastards in this world, as Variety is reporting that the mongoloid-made movie for morons sold something like 109 billion copies of the DVD. Okay, that's a little high, but it really was like 7.5 million, which is about 7.5 million too many. I'm not talking rentals, I'm talking PURCHASES. As in, someone SAW the movie already and WANTS to see it again. Yeah, I know, sick isn' t it? The answer is probably that it is as close as 7.5 million fanboys are going to come to having Megan Fox in their home, but still. When Transformers 3: In Your Face, Bitches rips a hole in the space-time continuum, this is on you 7.5 million jerks who bought the DVD. The only way I'm in for the next movie is if this is the new Transformer:



3.) You best watch yoself Iraq, Bourne's comin' - The trailer for The Green Zone hit like a sack of bricks to my naughty bits. Holy crap does this look good. I mean, what do you expect from the director of the best Bourne movies and Mr. Bourne himself, but seriously...wowza. Prediction: Because it directly takes on that whole "whoopsie, what WMDs" thing, it's going to piss off die-hard, extremist conservatives (not the regular folks, the ones who swear there are still WMDs in Iraq, we just need to find 'em). These are typically the folks who love them some action movies where things go boom and bad guys get face-shot. I'd like to do my impression of one of these people watching this trailer. "Hey lookie there, that Jimmy Bourne guy is doin' some more fightin'. Hey there, lookit him punchin' those guys in the face. You deserve that face punch terrorist! Hey, why's he yellin' at that white guy? That don't seem right. OH YEAH EXPLOSION! Hey wait, why is the bad guy sound American? That ain't patriotic. HELL YEAH, EXPLOSION!" This is going to cause some serious confusion. Still, the trailer's bad ass.



4.) Just so long as nobody invites Sting, we're cool - The Interwebs reported, and then Chud.com (who I trust) confirmed that director Peter Berg is off of Dune. I really don't care about that part, so much as I care that the current rumors (that are likely crap) have offers out to Neils. That's right, I'm talking about two Neils: Neil Marshall and Neil Blomkamp. Chances are that even though the latter would just straight-up MURDER this adaptation, making me want to see it so bad that I could barely stand it (an accomplishment, since my current anticipation for the project mirrors my excitement to eat oatmeal), it's not going to be Blomkamp. Chances are that it's going to be Marshall if it is either of them. This is also okay to me, because I loved Doomsday. I caught it on HBO recently and I loved it even more. Oh, it's terrible, but in such a great way. I don't know how this B-movie sensibility would translate into a serious franchise, but it's at least intriguing to me. The important thing is, until they bring in some boring-ass guy I've never heard of, I'm somewhat interested in Dune. This feeling is fleeting, I'm sure of it.

5.) What did you think you'd get if you crossed Kanye and Spike Jonze? - Spike Jonze directed a short film starring Kanye West inspired by Kanye's song "See You in my Nightmares." It's called We Were Once a Fairytale and it's totally f**ked up. At first it's just a cool riff on Kanye's somewhat annoying personality, but then it turns into...well, just watch it. It's been out there in bootleg form for awhile, but it's now now officially online on iTunes, so spend the 2 bucks or whatever and watch it legally (or find it illegally but I won't help you). I personally love it, but go figure I love both of the artists involved. I think Kanye is one of the most intriguing artists of the new century, and I mean that sincerely. His whole personality is this bizarre show, and he is so obviously tormented by that, a point emphasized by the totally batshit insane ending of the short film, which just proves to me that Spike Jonze needs to be making more movies. If you watch it, hit me up (preferably here so everyone can see it) and let me know what you think. You've been warned...totally batshit crazy...like it makes bats that are batshit crazy more batshit crazy. But I loved it.

The gritty truth? I love it.

When I heard that the Coen Brothers were the ones remaking True Grit, I thought "Okay, I can get behind this." When I heard that they were considering Jeff Bridges for the eye-patched role embodied by John Wayne, I thought "now we're talking." When I heard from everyone and their mother this morning that Josh Brolin and Matt Damon are in talks to star as the other leads, I thought "did I dream about eating a tuna-flavored muffin with Ellen Degeneres or did I really eat a tuna-flavored muffin with Ellen Degeneres...oh, and that Josh Brolin/Matt Damon news kicks ass." There is literally not a better cast I could have thought of for this movie, and the chances are now high that we're talking about one of the few remakes that is going to be poised for serious Oscar lovin' (and I do not mean a flirty massage from a trash-can dwelling grouch). Also, I had nearly forgotten why I love Brolin so much, beyond his great performance in W, but then I remembered this:

Yeah, it's hard not to laugh your ass off while watching the two handcuffed guys discussing how one got tased and the other offers some kisseyface. That's just good stuff. So, there you have it, I can't wait for True Grit and I love Josh Brolin's kisseyface.

Movie Review: The Informant!

Here's Ben's review of The Informant! early for you bloggies.

Wiretap Dance
Matt Damon’s a dirty, hairy rat in The Informant!
Ben Coffman

The phrase “corporate intrigue” usually conjures images of dark Armani suits, slicked hair and lawyers racing against the clock to get a key piece of evidence into court before The Bad Guy’s case is dismissed. The Informant! has none of those things. But it is a highly entertaining film with Matt Damon playing a schlub, Joel McHale playing an FBI agent and an exclamation point in the film’s title. What more could you want from a true story?

In The Informant!, Damon transforms into Mark Whitacre, a man made of one part bad moustache and one part agribusiness executive who has been shaken well, poured into a starched-stiff suit and garnished with the sort of eccentricities that can only come from a well-disguised personality disorder. The movie begins in 1992, and Whitacre is living in rural Illinois and working for Archer Daniels Midlands (ADM), a giant agribusiness conglomerate.

With his bad feathered hair and Republican-red ties, Damon plays the well-educated Whitacre like an anti-Michael Clayton. But despite his lack of coolness and good looks, life is good, as evidenced by his collection of high-end foreign sports cars. The father-son owners of ADM, Mick and Dwayne Andreas, trust Whitacre explicitly, and his reward for good service is a paycheck weighty enough to anchor a speedboat. But when the FBI comes a’ calling about an extortion scheme involving lysine experimentation, Whitacre confides, at his wife’s prompting, that ADM has been meeting with other businesses in an international price-fixing scheme.

FBI agents Brian Shepard (Scott Bakula, of “Quantum Leap” fame) and Bob Herndon (McHale, of “The Soup” fame) are subsequently assigned to Whitacre. Over the next several years, Whitacre travels the world, wearing a wire and collecting 250 hours of taped conversations, an accumulation of interviews long enough to make even Ken Burns turn green with envy. However, Whitacre’s gossamer hold on reality seems to evaporate as he moves deeper into a world of corporate spying and lies.

Throughout the tragicomedy, Damon provides the viewer with ostensibly inconsequential, stream-of-consciousness (that’s a nice way of saying “rambling”) narration, which, in turn, provides the audience with plenty of opportunities for laughs. Award-winning composer Marvin Hamlisch matches the main character’s whimsy with a jaunty, anachronistic soundtrack, like a quirkier version of the soundtrack from the Robert Redford movie The Sting (which was also composed by Hamlisch).

Based on a book by Kurt Eichenwald (who was also featured on an episode of Public Radio’s “This American Life”) and directed by Steven Soderbergh (director of the Ocean’s series), The Informant! is the common man’s Duplicity. Unfortunately (or possibly fortunately, depending on your preferences), despite the pedigree of the lead character and the director, The Informant! isn’t Oscar bait. The film is funny without resorting to goofiness and serious without burdening itself with weighty or depressing themes, leaving it in awards-show no-man’s-land. Even Damon’s 30-pound weight gain, an overused gambit by serious actors looking for a little extra attention, will likely remain unrewarded this year. Regardless, The Informant! remains one of the year’s most entertaining films.

Grade: A-

Eastwood to examine afterlife, likely for personal reasons

I'm not the world's biggest Clint Eastwood fan. The world's biggest Clint Eastwood fan lives in an attic in Minnetonka, Minnesota and has a life-size Eastwood sculpture made entirely of fingernails. I like to believe I made that up, but there's likely some guy in Minnetonka right now going "NOOOO my secret...MY SECRET!" I don't like Eastwood that much at all, to be honest, which people are shocked to discover, until I remind them that this man did several movies where a chimp orangutan was his costar. That's not funny, that's real.



He has multiple Oscars and is considered a living legend. That's him next to the chimp orangutan above. Just saying. Anyway, Eastwood swears he is done acting in movies after he gave the last that he had to give starring as everybody's favorite redeemable bigot in last year's surprise hit Gran Torino, which is Italian for "saggy man boobs." Next up for the chimp-lover is Hereafter, which is going to allow a lot of insensitive people like me to make jokes about how Eastwood is old. The film is written by Peter Morgan, who wrote the brilliant Frost/Nixon and is working on Bond 23, so that's a good start. Also, it stars Matt Damon, which...next to Eastwood NOT starring is the best news so far. The film is supposedly a "supernatural thriller," but Movieline got a bead on things, revealing that it's actually a tense drama (go figure) about three people contemplating the afterlife. There, now that's the boring stuff I'm used to from old Clint! Damon's character can see dead people, and two other characters have near-death or death-related experiences that Eastwood will likely melodramatically explore. I suppose with Damon and Morgan involved, it could be good, but Moses supposes his toeses are roses, so think about that.

Update: An astute reader pointed out I misidentified the animal above. Also, I apparently called the orangutan a chimp.