Weekend Box Office Results: With a whimper...

Yes, this weekend does end with a whimper and not a bang. And that whimper isn't just coming from me. It's the wheeze that represents the death-breath of Saw, a franchise that just lived so far beyond the life it should have had that even 3D-ing it could only reanimate it's corpse ever so slightly. Here's hoping we're done with that franchise...so everybody say hi to the second-place film, Paranormal Activity 2, which has now made $65 million collectively on a $3 million budget. I'm sure we won't be seeing one of THOSE every year now that Saw is leaving. May God have mercy on our box-office souls.

Here's this weekend's wrap-up, haiku style:

1.) Saw 3D - $24 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95.5%)

This is Saw 7
but they left that number out.
Maybe they can't count?

2.) Paranormal Activity 2 - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

A tiny budget
and zero big-name actors
means big-ass profits.

3.) Red - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 81%)

This is holding great!
Mostly because it is fun.
And for old people.

4.) Jackass 3D - $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

Poop jokes are ending.
Nut shots are moving along.
We'll miss you, Jackass.

5.) Hereafter - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 88.5%)

It's an Eastwood flop!
Can we hold him in check now?
His last few sucked ass.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 88%

Forgettable week.
That's not good, life is too short.
Viva la MONDAY!!!????

Okay, that's it, gang. Go be productive. I'm going to try not to hurl and count down the minutes before I get back in bed.

Follow me on Twitter.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'm just going to get right to it because I really don't have that many deep thoughts this weekend. One crappy new movie comes out, that will be number one. Other than that, you enjoy the last nice weekend of weather, have yourself some trick-or-treating shenanigans, and generally frolic and be merry. K?

Here's the box office prediction haikus all the kids love these days.

1.) Saw 3D - $26 million

This is the sixth Saw.
So why not call it Saw 6?
Those guys can't count good.

2.) Paranormal Activity 2 - $20 million

Look! Now you see it,
now you don't...or now you won't.
In which case, nice call.

3.) Jackass 3D - $9 million

One day, we'll look back
and we'll ask why everything
was in damn 3D.

4.) Red - $9 million

Old people need love,
or at least movies to see.
That explains this one.

5.) Hereafter - $8 million

This one is scary.
Not in terms of on-screen stuff,
just scary boring.

WILDCARD - The Social Network - $6 million

Soon this will be gone,
but it's legacy remains!
See you Oscar night!

That's it. You have a blast this weekend. Figuratively, no more explosives for you.

Follow me on Twitter.

Movie Review: Hereafter

Justin reviewed this one so I didn't have to. FYI: I totally got his back and have absolutely no remorse about another Eastwood panning. Suck it, Filthy Harry.

Slow Death
Eastwood almost makes a movie about the afterlife
Justin Senkbile

No matter how deserving it may be, there’s no way to feel good about panning a Clint Eastwood movie. The man is a force of nature: in just the last two years he’s directed and produced four films, composed the score for two of them and starred in one. And he’s 80. His resume certainly demands respect; unfortunately his latest film, Hereafter, is a silly, sappy mess.

Hereafter hops around the globe visiting its three main characters. First there’s Marie LeLay (Cécile de France), a Parisian journalist who’s just miraculously survived a tsunami, albeit with some odd after effects. Then there’s Marcus (Frankie McLaren), a young London boy with a junkie mother whose twin brother has recently died. And finally, our star Matt Damon plays George Lonegan, a disillusioned psychic turned factory worker.

Obviously, what these three characters have in common is their proximity to death, either their own or someone else’s. What's strange is that Eastwood doesn’t ever explore grief, fear of death or even spirituality. He simply describes people who have a close relationship to death. For over two hours. Sounds weird, right?

Death and loss are obviously compelling themes, but to make this story (by Peter Morgan, writer of Frost/Nixon and The Queen) work, they also have to remain pretty evanescent. The simplest explanation for Hereafter’s failure is that Eastwood, a product of traditional Hollywood genre cinema and one of the most classical directors working today, just isn’t suited for such a job. His old world instincts result in a film that, although clearly a very personal work, is so full of plot, details and explanations that there isn’t any room for the audience to reflect upon their own experiences and impressions of death and grief. More than the editing (there isn't nearly enough of it) or the dialogue (needs several re-writes), this is Hereafter’s essential problem. It’s like Norman Rockwell trying to work with Picasso’s perspective. Hats off for giving it a shot, but it’s not surprising that it didn’t quite work.

The overall film is disappointing, but quality tends to vary from scene to scene. And the same goes for the acting, with each of our principal cast members pulling off a genuinely compelling scene or two, only to deliver a strikingly awkward line reading a few moments later. Bryce Dallas Howard, as Melanie, a bubbly night school classmate of George's, leaves one of the film's few lasting impressions in this department, though she only appears briefly.

The bottom line is that in 129 minutes, I found only three reasons to see this movie: one wonderfully acted kitchen scene between Damon and Howard, one hilariously awful scene outside a palatial French hospital, and Miss de France, because she’s adorable. Everything else either feels emotionally shallow or is, frankly, uninteresting.

In spite of all this, let’s keep our hopes up for Eastwood’s next film. God knows its right around the corner.

Grade: D-

Follow me on Twitter!

Weekend Box Office Results: Holy crap did you like Paranormal Activity 2

Well, I can safely say no one saw THIS coming. In a move that ensures we will be watching new low-budget Paranormal Activity movies for at least another few installments, America turned out in droves for the sequel to a film that I honestly can't believe ever got screened in the first place. Also, Red held well, Hereafter is not long for this world, and Jackass 3D plummeted but is still on pace for the $100 million club. Let's take a closer, mathematical look, shall we?

Haikus ahoy!

1.) Paranormal Activity 2 - $41.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86.5%)

You know what this means?
Just as Saw is closing up,
this will take its place.

2.) Jackass 3D - $21.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96.5%)

So, how many times,
can you watch poo and vomit
in the theater?

3.) Red - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

This was a nice hold
for folks losing hair and teeth.
Get it? They are old.

4.) Hereafter - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Eastwood thinks on death.
That's really not surprising.
He just shouldn't share.

5.) The Social Network - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96.5%)

People still click like
on the flick with a great script
and no good women.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 94.5%

Perhaps my best week.
That's not saying all that much,
But I will take it.

Follow me on Twitter.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Get ready for fun and excitement at the box office this weekend. And by fun and excitement I mean movies involving scary, undead people and other movies that don't involve Clint Eastwood. Get it? Cause he's old. And scary. And I don't really like his movies that much. Anyway, we've got us a sequel to a horror movie, that comes the week before a sequel to a horror movie, and Matt Damon doing a Whoopie Goldberg impression (I mean talking to dead people, not storming off the set of "The View"). I'm not quite Reganing it this week like Jack on "30 Rock," but I am really being productive, so let's stop with the jibber jabber and get to some haikus.

Here's what's gonna happen, fools.

1.) Paranormal Activity 2 - $30 million

More low-budget fun,
with night vision camera work.
And zero Paris.

2.) Jackass 3D - $20 million

This will drop off big,
but it already won huge.
The rest is gravy.

3.) Red - $13 million

I hope this holds well,
because I love Miss Parker,
and violence as well.

4.) Hereafter - $12 million

More boring Eastwood.
It's full of heaven cliches
if that is your thing.

5.) The Social Network - $8 million

Still respectable,
this comes back near Oscar time.
Should win some statues.

WILDCARD - Secretariat - $7 million

Go away dumb horse.
This should not do well at all.
It is really bad.

Okay, that's it gang. Have a great weekend, see you on Monday!

Follow me on Twitter.

Eastwood to examine afterlife, likely for personal reasons

I'm not the world's biggest Clint Eastwood fan. The world's biggest Clint Eastwood fan lives in an attic in Minnetonka, Minnesota and has a life-size Eastwood sculpture made entirely of fingernails. I like to believe I made that up, but there's likely some guy in Minnetonka right now going "NOOOO my secret...MY SECRET!" I don't like Eastwood that much at all, to be honest, which people are shocked to discover, until I remind them that this man did several movies where a chimp orangutan was his costar. That's not funny, that's real.



He has multiple Oscars and is considered a living legend. That's him next to the chimp orangutan above. Just saying. Anyway, Eastwood swears he is done acting in movies after he gave the last that he had to give starring as everybody's favorite redeemable bigot in last year's surprise hit Gran Torino, which is Italian for "saggy man boobs." Next up for the chimp-lover is Hereafter, which is going to allow a lot of insensitive people like me to make jokes about how Eastwood is old. The film is written by Peter Morgan, who wrote the brilliant Frost/Nixon and is working on Bond 23, so that's a good start. Also, it stars Matt Damon, which...next to Eastwood NOT starring is the best news so far. The film is supposedly a "supernatural thriller," but Movieline got a bead on things, revealing that it's actually a tense drama (go figure) about three people contemplating the afterlife. There, now that's the boring stuff I'm used to from old Clint! Damon's character can see dead people, and two other characters have near-death or death-related experiences that Eastwood will likely melodramatically explore. I suppose with Damon and Morgan involved, it could be good, but Moses supposes his toeses are roses, so think about that.

Update: An astute reader pointed out I misidentified the animal above. Also, I apparently called the orangutan a chimp.