Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Quick hits: Bruce Willis lies and Blackbeard lives!

I don't want to call Bruce Willis a liar, because he can probably beat me up a lot. I don't care how old he is or that he's an actor, I can tell he has the rage. The big "news" yesterday was that MTV talked to Willis, who is out promoting Cop Out because he has to contractually, and got him to say that there's going to be a Die Hard 5. Huh? Oh, and that it's shooting next year. WHA? Oh, and that it's going to go "worldwide." HUHBUHWHA? First off, this is likely hokum (which is not a delicious party drink but an old-time euphemism for doody). Second, if it isn't, that's dumb. I liked Live Free or Die Hard just fine. It's not a Die Hard movie, but I liked it just fine. I think they should return the series to its roots. I liked Slashfilm.com's suggestion that it should take place in a mall. That would be rad. I don't like the thought of Bruce hopping plane to plane, blowing up international terrorists in gay Paris. I want him taking out local baddies in a confined environment. That's what Die Hard is. You're now just making mediocre action movies and calling them Die Hard. Stop it.

Next up is a quick note telling you that Ian McShane, who got famous for saying a word that rhymes with socktucker on HBO in "Deadwood," is going to be Blackbeard in the next Pirates movie called On Stranger Tides. This is fine. It doesn't really sway me into getting full-on excited for the movie, but I liked the first one so much that I'm going to see the next wave no matter what. I think they have a chance to make something special happen, if they pit Depp versus McShane and don't spend too much time convoluting things with dumb-ass side characters who we only remember as "not Johnny Depp." McShane is a good evil looking guy who has kind of always looked like a pirate and has a creepy voice. I don't know what supernatural element they'll work in, but I hope they allow McShane to say lots of things that rhyme with his famously delivered word. He should describe Jack Sparrow as a "sock-tucking coke-stacker" or a "rock-chucking clock-plucker." It would be great.

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