What's in a name? Crap. Crap is in a name.

And a happy humpday to ya! I assume everybody had or once had that creepy dude at work who wished you a happy humpday. Well, seeing as how he's probably been fired and/or those charges finally stuck, I figured I'd take over for him. Speaking of inappropriate, Ain’t It Cool has sources so deeply embedded at 20th Century Fox that they must have been willing to receive full lobotomies. That's a dedication to spying so deep that Karl Rove is looking for a way to leak their names to the press. The big news that the traitors to the 20th Century Fox mission statement ("Making bad movies that make good money") were able to leak: The names of the upcoming Fantastic Four reboot and the next Die Hard movie. They are, respectively, Fantastic Four Reborn and Die Hard 24/7. I think if you tried really, really hard, you couldn't come up with two worse titles. Okay, maybe something with a colon that doesn't need it (cough, Captain America: The First Avenger, cough).

As for the projects themselves, I'm on the fence. On the one hand, we must never forget that 20th Century Fox is almost incapable of not ruining the films they have access to. It's almost pathological with them (boy am I going to have to delete these posts fast when I try to shop my screenplay to 20th Century Fox...I can, and will, sell out). On the other hand, whenever I read the current Hickman run on the "Fantastic Four" comic, all I'm left thinking is "how come THIS can't be an incredible movie?" If they went for a blend of comic book and sci-fi, I think they'd really have something. Plus it has instant family appeal if it's done, you know, not totally shitty. And by totally shitty, I mean this:

All fear Galactus' sort of glowing silhouette and his massive...fart cloud? And even worse:
She's a scientist because she wears glasses because scientists wear glasses even if it means they're not as pretty. Hate.

So, maybe a new FF movie could, I don't know, follow some of the more clever storylines in the comic, not get bogged down by an origin that is in no way complicated (scientist/astronauts get bombarded by cosmic rays. The end.), and cast it more appropriately, I'd be down for it. They certainly had to start over after the Galactus fart.

Now, as for the geriatric John McClane...I kind of liked Live Free or Die Hard. The title was a Galactus fart (I'm using it now), but it was kind of fun. Not as a Die Hard movie, because it was like a Looney Toons version of one where there was no actual blood, but as a generic action movie. I have no clue about the plot of the next one, but seeing as how the series was realistically dead after the second one (you can be a guy who something crazy happens to once or twice, but after that it's totally insane), I just want something fun. See, I'm not overly demanding.

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Quick hits: Bruce Willis lies and Blackbeard lives!

I don't want to call Bruce Willis a liar, because he can probably beat me up a lot. I don't care how old he is or that he's an actor, I can tell he has the rage. The big "news" yesterday was that MTV talked to Willis, who is out promoting Cop Out because he has to contractually, and got him to say that there's going to be a Die Hard 5. Huh? Oh, and that it's shooting next year. WHA? Oh, and that it's going to go "worldwide." HUHBUHWHA? First off, this is likely hokum (which is not a delicious party drink but an old-time euphemism for doody). Second, if it isn't, that's dumb. I liked Live Free or Die Hard just fine. It's not a Die Hard movie, but I liked it just fine. I think they should return the series to its roots. I liked Slashfilm.com's suggestion that it should take place in a mall. That would be rad. I don't like the thought of Bruce hopping plane to plane, blowing up international terrorists in gay Paris. I want him taking out local baddies in a confined environment. That's what Die Hard is. You're now just making mediocre action movies and calling them Die Hard. Stop it.

Next up is a quick note telling you that Ian McShane, who got famous for saying a word that rhymes with socktucker on HBO in "Deadwood," is going to be Blackbeard in the next Pirates movie called On Stranger Tides. This is fine. It doesn't really sway me into getting full-on excited for the movie, but I liked the first one so much that I'm going to see the next wave no matter what. I think they have a chance to make something special happen, if they pit Depp versus McShane and don't spend too much time convoluting things with dumb-ass side characters who we only remember as "not Johnny Depp." McShane is a good evil looking guy who has kind of always looked like a pirate and has a creepy voice. I don't know what supernatural element they'll work in, but I hope they allow McShane to say lots of things that rhyme with his famously delivered word. He should describe Jack Sparrow as a "sock-tucking coke-stacker" or a "rock-chucking clock-plucker." It would be great.