Cutting Room Floor is home to a sea of snark and snippets about upcoming movies, rumors about films, and other assorted nonsense. Sure, the information is mostly accumulated from other reputable sources, but the sarcasm is 100% home grown.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Let's just pretend NOTHING happened this weekend
I watched Nebraska lose on Saturday, then watched the Yankees lose (with my wife and her brother) immediately afterward, then watched the Bears lose on Sunday. If we just want to go ahead and pretend this weekend never happened, I'm good with that. That seems to be what the rest of the world is doing, as the movie news consists of recycled nuggets I've shared with you before and leaked trailers of gritty superheroes from Thailand (yep, that's a real thing). So, here's the plan: I'm going to give you this one semi-interesting but wholly non-original news item to start, then I'm going to drop a review or two on you, then I'm going to recap box office, then I'm going to bounce. I gots things to do this week, peeps, and when there's doings to be done, you'd best get to doing them.
Here's the news item of moderate interest I promised. Keith Richards is returning to piracy in On Stranger Tides, the next Pirates movie. Can we just call them Pirates movies now? Because (A) they have traveled a little beyond that Caribbean we spoke of previously and (B) I really hate spelling Caribbean. It's not like people would be confused, and it would make it a whole lot easier to type out during the inevitable short-lived box office takeover it represents. Featuring just Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp, this actually COULD be my favorite in this series, because the dead weight was always Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley...okay, so it was a combined 115 pounds of dead weight, but it was still dead weight. Having Richards cameo again does nothing for me, but if you're into dudes who look like rotted, warty pumpkins, rejoice!
Quick hits: Bruce Willis lies and Blackbeard lives!
I don't want to call Bruce Willis a liar, because he can probably beat me up a lot. I don't care how old he is or that he's an actor, I can tell he has the rage. The big "news" yesterday was that MTV talked to Willis, who is out promoting Cop Out because he has to contractually, and got him to say that there's going to be a Die Hard 5. Huh? Oh, and that it's shooting next year. WHA? Oh, and that it's going to go "worldwide." HUHBUHWHA? First off, this is likely hokum (which is not a delicious party drink but an old-time euphemism for doody). Second, if it isn't, that's dumb. I liked Live Free or Die Hard just fine. It's not a Die Hard movie, but I liked it just fine. I think they should return the series to its roots. I liked Slashfilm.com's suggestion that it should take place in a mall. That would be rad. I don't like the thought of Bruce hopping plane to plane, blowing up international terrorists in gay Paris. I want him taking out local baddies in a confined environment. That's what Die Hard is. You're now just making mediocre action movies and calling them Die Hard. Stop it.
Next up is a quick note telling you that Ian McShane, who got famous for saying a word that rhymes with socktucker on HBO in "Deadwood," is going to be Blackbeard in the next Pirates movie called On Stranger Tides. This is fine. It doesn't really sway me into getting full-on excited for the movie, but I liked the first one so much that I'm going to see the next wave no matter what. I think they have a chance to make something special happen, if they pit Depp versus McShane and don't spend too much time convoluting things with dumb-ass side characters who we only remember as "not Johnny Depp." McShane is a good evil looking guy who has kind of always looked like a pirate and has a creepy voice. I don't know what supernatural element they'll work in, but I hope they allow McShane to say lots of things that rhyme with his famously delivered word. He should describe Jack Sparrow as a "sock-tucking coke-stacker" or a "rock-chucking clock-plucker." It would be great.
Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to the weird and wacky world that is my junk drawer, where we collect tiny movie news tidbits that don't quite warrant their own blog post (or do, but I'm too lazy). As per usual, we begin this week by looking at the above creepy-ass image taken from Highlights for Children (CHILDREN!) magazine and making up a ridiculous backstory about something we see. Today's object is the tiny pink square in the upper left corner. Had her father not intercepted the note that Suzie was going to pass to Matt, he would have known of her undying love. In fact, the two would have begun dating in middle school, briefly gone their separate ways in high-school and early college, before once more uniting at a reunion when Matt recalled the wonderful note she had given him. But with the note now trapped inside her father's junk drawer, Suzie ended up going out with Jason, who convinced her to take up huffing paint and committing small acts of vandalism. After a stint in Juvie, Suzie emerged hardened, and stabbed a math teacher when he dared correct her on her algebra. To think, if Suzie's dad had just minded his own business, she wouldn't be doing 25 to life. Oh well!
Now, on to all the glory my junk has to offer!
1.) Alicia Silverstone is not dead - Although the world thought she had perhaps died after her last failed television pilot, as it turns out, Alicia Silverstone is alive and somewhat kicking. Not only is she willing to get bare-ass naked to prove she likes vegetables (seriously, I would put images up here, but it ain't proper, google it), she's apparently going to reunite with Clueless director Amy Heckerling. Screen Daily is reporting that the pair are reuniting for Vamps, which is another f**king vampire movie. Now, even though the description of "two young vampires in New York city" sounds dumb as all get out, my hope is that Heckerling is able to bring some of the subversive genius she dropped with Clueless, but I'm guessing that's too much to hope for at this point. Instead, we're probably dealing with just another middling entry into the ever-expanding body of vampire films. Seriously, centuries from now, when our descendants finally figure out how to operate a DVD, they're going to be very disappointed in us. Very.
2.) I will refrain from all Cruz/cruise jokes - THR reports that Penelope Cruz doesn't mind scurvy...or at least she wants to hump Johnny Depp's peg leg. Why, whatever do I mean? I mean that this lovely lass: Is going to wear an eyepatch. Or not, She's going to appear in the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is what's actually going to happen, but she's likely going to just be filling the corset-stuffing quota. She's an improvement over the bland Kiera Knightley, that's fo sho, but why she wants to basically play a thankless supporting role is beyond me. Oh, wait, there's that whole Johnny Depp angle. Apparently, women will do all sorts of strange things to get near him, even though he looks like he would smell like the bathroom in a French bar. I liked the first of the series, didn't mind the second, and pretty much loathed the third, so here's hoping that cutting the fat (as in the skinny Orlando Bloom and Knightley) helps.
3.) Spider-man will be in 3D, so we can see all the angles of love - The only thing Avatar really did was to make everybody want to release their movies in 3D. Between Clash of the Titans going back and 3D-ing their movie and the announcement that just about any movie that can get away with it is going to dump their flick into the 3D bin, I'm about over this whole thing. It's a gimmick. It's a gimmick that they can use to charge us a lot more money. I'm not saying I won't ever go 3D again, but it's just not what gets my motor running. So news that Spider-man's reboot is going to be 3D fills me with the same meh feeling that the rest of the news about the project has left me with. Although, I would like to point out how stupid it is to drop your budget to $80 million, return everyone to high school so you can get cheaper, younger actors, and focus more on the love story...only to do this all in 3D?! I mean, seriously? Are the lovey dovey moments going to look more impressive if we see Peter Parker's emo hair flopping in all 3 dimensions? I'm guessing the device will be used like twice in the movie, so they should pro-rate the ticket price to reflect how little of it is actually in the third dimension. Whatever.
4.) Robocop is alive...but on life support - I want to see what Darren Aronofsky does with Robocop sooooo bad. I've loved each and every one of his movies and I cannot, cannot, cannot wait to see what he would do with a cyborg cop. Don't get me wrong, he can't excite me more than he already is by pairing up Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in a carnal sense for his upcoming Black Swan, but Robocop is a distant but respectable second place. So here's some good news/bad news, screenwriter David Self tells STYD that he and Aronofsky are STILL on the project...but that MGM has its head up its ass. They can't agree on the rating (Aronofsky wants an R, because he's not an idiot...you can't do a PG-13 Robocop, you just can't) or the whole (sigh) 3D angle (here we go again). I'm not sure if this will be worth Aronofsky's trouble, or if he can deliver the movie I want him to deliver given the constraints of stupidity he's being shackled with. That said, the dream is flickering but still burning. I can only pray...and count down the days until I see Portman and Kunis and become Portikunis.
5.) Trailers, parked - Some REALLY good ones this week y'all. I'm not even going to flap my gums too much about it.
First up is Toy Story 3, and it looks as great as you'd expect. Plus, they get a "great ascot" joke AND a wonderful chase sequence. I'm so stoked, it's like I'm 5.
Speaking of children's stuff that shouldn't excite me but I'm not a real grown-up, check out the new Last Airbender trailer. Although I am a little unclear why I haven't heard the main character SPEAK in any of the trailers (oh, please don't let him be as terrible as it appears he may be), I'm very interested in a property I had never before had any interest in whatsoever. This is your last chance, though, Shyamalan. Your LAST CHANCE.
That's it folks! I hope you are having a good week. Let's meet up again tomorrow for Friday, the only day of the week that everybody loves. Sorry every other day, but we do play favorites.
Keith Richards is returning to piracy in On Stranger Tides, the next Pirates movie. Can we just call them Pirates movies now? Because (A) they have traveled a little beyond that Caribbean we spoke of previously and (B) I really hate spelling Caribbean. It's not like people would be confused, and it would make it a whole lot easier to type out during the inevitable short-lived box office takeover it represents. Featuring just Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp, this actually COULD be my favorite in this series, because the dead weight was always Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley...okay, so it was a combined 115 pounds of dead weight, but it was still dead weight. Having Richards cameo again does nothing for me, but if you're into dudes who look like rotted, warty pumpkins, rejoice!
Keith Richards is returning to piracy in On Stranger Tides, the next Pirates movie. Can we just call them Pirates movies now? Because (A) they have traveled a little beyond that Caribbean we spoke of previously and (B) I really hate spelling Caribbean. It's not like people would be confused, and it would make it a whole lot easier to type out during the inevitable short-lived box office takeover it represents. Featuring just Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp, this actually COULD be my favorite in this series, because the dead weight was always Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley...okay, so it was a combined 115 pounds of dead weight, but it was still dead weight. Having Richards cameo again does nothing for me, but if you're into dudes who look like rotted, warty pumpkins, rejoice!
