Friday, April 9, 2010

In honor of Kristen Stewart's birthday, I won't totally hate on Twilight

I kid. Of course I'm going to totally hate on Twilight...although maybe not on Stewart. I know she gets a bad rap for her bad attitude...but if I had to deal with the half-wit sycophants she has to deal with, I'd be in a murder-rage so blind I'd be wearing dead tweens for a fashion statement. She smokes dope, hates her fans, and acts like nothing gets to her...I'm going to admit it, I kind of love her. Also, she can look like this when she tries:
Yes, that's really her. I know, she's got serious stems and is classically beautiful when she wants to be. So happy birthday reluctantly famous, angry hot girl!

What's awesome is that me bagging on her franchise won't even bother her. Yeah, I assume that (A) she reads my column and (B) I also consider how she feels towards me as though one day we'll end up together. Mmmm...delusions. Anyhoodle, this week brought news that Dreamgirls' Bill Condon is probably going to direct Breaking Dawn, the end of the national tragedy that is the Twilight franchise, which may or may not be two movies, nobody's officially 100% confirmed it yet (but it will be). If you recall, that's the one movie (or two movies) I may actually be pumped about, if only because of the totally batshit insane whacked-out madness that occurs. I've had people I like and respect try to explain how the events of the final book are reasonable. They fail every time as I fall into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me tease you with this: the final book involves supernatural pedophilia. No lie. I'm not saying that these movies are going to be good, oh Lord no. But they may be totally friggin' hilarious. Condon is well respected in the industry (he even directs the Oscars ceremony often), but all that should change with this decision. Enjoy your paycheck, Bill! I'd put "the loss of my dignity" in the memo line on the check when you cash it.

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