Slow News Day (Volume One) - The Twi-kids are riiiiiiiich

First off, some housekeeping: I'm going to my cousin's wedding on Friday, so no bloggity blog blog for you that day. Second, today's news is all lame. Everyone must be on summer vacation because nobody is doing anything of value to write about at this point and time. Lo siento, but I can't just make up the news. I'm not Fox. Third, my bug bites that I got for celebrating our country throwing off the shackles of British colonialism really itch. That doesn't really have so much to do with anything, but they do and I wanted to share.

Moving on, as you know, I have begun softening my stance on one Ms. Kristen Stewart.
While everyone else wants to blast her surly, aloof demeanor and reticence to fully invest her heart into the Twilight saga, I have grown to think she's (A) absolutely gorgeous, (B) kind of funny, and (C) staying true to herself while raking in about a bazillion dollars. Case in point, news broke yesterday that the three leads are going to pocket between 25-41 million dollars for making Breaking Dawn (or, as I like to call it, Just You Wait and See How Crazy That Stephanie Meyer Loony REALLY Is). That's professional athlete money we're talking about there. This is in contrast to the unknown Andrew Garfield, who will play the new Spider-man for $500,000. I know, I know, it's hard to weep for a man making half a million to dress up like I would be willing to do for free, but still, we live in a world where repeating brain-dead dialogue while lusting after a dog and a shiny vampire gets you nearly $50 mil and playing the greatest hero of all time gets you what Stewart pays for her weed in a year. I can't stand Robert McHomelesslooking and Tayler Tinynips doesn't seem to have any talent whatsoever. Just like I feel like we'll be seeing more of Emma Watson after Harry Potter is finally over, I feel like Stewart is going to have a nice long career. She's not going to have to now that she could just buy Lichtenstein and smoke all of the weed all day with that kind of money, but if she wants to be a successful and respected actress, I think she can be. See, I said something nice about Twilight in a way. Sure, it was about the one you all hate, but take small victories.

Friday Blitz 1: Kristen Stewart is Wanted?

This week hasn't been an all-you-can-eat buffet of movie news. Nope, it's been a prisoner's meal of gruel and water...and ain't nobody like no gruel. Then, suddenly, the dam breaks and we get news breaks like DAAAAMN. So, I'm going to stop making with all the jibber-jabber and start making with a series of quick pieces of really interesting news. Plus, given that the NFL Draft started yesterday (not that my team, The Chicago Bears, would know that...they had no first round picks) and continues into today, the football metaphor seemed right.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give unto you: The Friday Blitz.

First up, I've soften my Kristen Stewart position recently from "Uh, uh" to "why not" based both on her flippant attitude towards her own franchise and her willingness to do this photo shoot.
So, when E! Online reported that Kristen Stewart is up for the female lead in Wanted 2, I was surprisingly okay with it. First, she's cute. Second, if she wants to try action, now's the time. Third, I could sooooo care less about the integrity of the Wanted series that if they want to cast a talking monkey and Pia Zadora, I'd be able to enjoy it. A quick word of apology to Mark Millar. I thought for sure you were just talking out of your sideways smile about this sequel still being possible after Angelina Jolie departed. Turns out, this time you were talking out of your sideways smile and happened to be right. Mea culpa.

In honor of Kristen Stewart's birthday, I won't totally hate on Twilight

I kid. Of course I'm going to totally hate on Twilight...although maybe not on Stewart. I know she gets a bad rap for her bad attitude...but if I had to deal with the half-wit sycophants she has to deal with, I'd be in a murder-rage so blind I'd be wearing dead tweens for a fashion statement. She smokes dope, hates her fans, and acts like nothing gets to her...I'm going to admit it, I kind of love her. Also, she can look like this when she tries:
Yes, that's really her. I know, she's got serious stems and is classically beautiful when she wants to be. So happy birthday reluctantly famous, angry hot girl!

What's awesome is that me bagging on her franchise won't even bother her. Yeah, I assume that (A) she reads my column and (B) I also consider how she feels towards me as though one day we'll end up together. Mmmm...delusions. Anyhoodle, this week brought news that Dreamgirls' Bill Condon is probably going to direct Breaking Dawn, the end of the national tragedy that is the Twilight franchise, which may or may not be two movies, nobody's officially 100% confirmed it yet (but it will be). If you recall, that's the one movie (or two movies) I may actually be pumped about, if only because of the totally batshit insane whacked-out madness that occurs. I've had people I like and respect try to explain how the events of the final book are reasonable. They fail every time as I fall into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me tease you with this: the final book involves supernatural pedophilia. No lie. I'm not saying that these movies are going to be good, oh Lord no. But they may be totally friggin' hilarious. Condon is well respected in the industry (he even directs the Oscars ceremony often), but all that should change with this decision. Enjoy your paycheck, Bill! I'd put "the loss of my dignity" in the memo line on the check when you cash it.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello...is it me (junk) you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes. That opening is obviously brought to you by Lionel Ritchie, one of many singers to get famous for a song that sounds like it glorifies stalking. Seriously, if that song went on for another minute, it would end with lines like "I'm wearing your skin as my face." It's creepy. Speaking of creepy, as you likely know by now (if you know me at all), Thursday is the day I sort through all the itty bitty news that didn't grow up into a full blog post and dump into my imaginary "junk drawer." I then go around on twitter and facebook making jokes about my junk. I'm apparently 12. Also, I usually start with a peek into what I believe is shown in the clearly demonic illustration above that I took from "Highlights" magazine. Today's item is Kermit the Frog's detached larynx in the upper right corner! Looks like someone finally had enough John Denver duets. By the way, The Muppet Christmas Carol is the best adaptation of "A Christmas Carol" ever. Discuss. Feel free to incorporate how it's called a carol but nobody sings.

Moving onward and upward, here's the top 5 news stories that wanted to get their own posts but have to learn that life is full of disappointment.

1.) Space lies, part 743 - I've made a whole bunch of comments in the past about the possibility, probability, and potential of a new Star Wars movie. In short, it certainly could happen, but probably not soon and I want one to redeem the series. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if someone other than Lucas gets his/her hands on the material, the ship can be righted. The latest total rumor that is so proposterous I feel like a ninny (yeah, I said ninny) even repeating it comes from Thomas Dolby, who is responsible for this:



On his blog Dolby revealed conversations he's had with Paul Sebastien of Lucasarts. When recapping what the friends had discussed (besides eyesight loss due to technological advancements), Dolby let loose the statement that there may be a new Star Wars movie in the works, in addition to the live-action TV show and more video games. Now, if you can't take the word of a synth-pop 80s rocker repeating second-hand information from a guy who works for Lucas, who can you trust?

2.) Bigger suck - IMAX made The Dark Knight better for me. IMAX may be the reason Avatar is palatable. IMAX is not going to make Twilight better. That isn't stopping them from making Twilight: Eclipse into an IMAX endeavor. Oh, sure, will you be able to see every pore on Kristen Stewart's bored, dispassionate face. You'll be able to count every one of Robert Pattinson's intentionally misplaced hairs. You'll be able to examine each of Tayler Lautner's 17 ab muscles (he had a few transplanted). It won't make any of it better, but it will be bigger. Just pray that they don't go 3D, as I can't stand the thought of Pattinson hair flopping at me. Or smell-o-vision. Don't do that either. Stewart smells like burning hair and Pattinson smells like dead hamster...oddly enough, Lautner smells like cinnamon.

3.) A Wachowski says "what?" - Huge shockwaves were sent (in my pants) when I heard from Slashfilm that the Wachowskis were making a "futuristic war movie" that had gotten all the way to production withouth any scrutiny. Who broke the story? Arianna Huffington. Seriously. The intriguingly accented lady even posted a shot of her "on set" in front of a green screen. Supposedly it had something to do with "Iraq from the prospective of the future," which makes as much sense as anything, I suppose. Then along comes Devin from Chud.com to say "nope, total bullshit." Basically, Devin says that the Wachowskis are in the process of TESTING for their next film. So, really, it sounds like splitting hairs as the difference here seems to be that they aren't ALREADY shooting a futuristic war movie we haven't heard of but they're ABOUT to shoot a futuristic war movie we haven't heard of. Also, apparently this may have something to do with the book "Cloud Atlas," which sounds crazy. Most notably, that sourceless wiki I just linked to suggests Tom Twyker is attached to write....weirdness. So, Arianna Huffington may or may not be starring in a futuristic movie which may or may not be based on a book and Tom Twyker may or may not be adapting it. Sweet.

4.) Where's the evil brooms? I miss the evil brooms. - What do you do with a live-action adaptation of a segment from Fantasia starring Nic Cage in what may be his most ridiculous hair ever (yeah, we're talking beyond Con Air here)? I mean, it looks sort of weirdly fun, but it also looks batshit crazy...and where is the loyalty to the original story? I mean, the main villain should be tyrannical brooms rising up against their master. It was an allegory for the subjugated worker, right? Check out what "the man" has done to the story in the trailer below:



5.) After a decade, I get closure - This is a cut from the Blu-Ray of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, so the quality ain't great and there's a bit of "behind-the-scenes" rambling preceding it...but this is the first glimpse at part one of The Deathly Hallows. I've been moderately positive with this series, which has increased in quality almost every time out, but I'm ready for the damn thing to be over. In fact, I'm really quite excited to see the finale play out on the big screen, having spent almost a third of my life with these movies. You think I'm kidding, but go back now and watch that first movie; those actors are like tiny babies. You'll feel REALLY bad about what you said regarding Hermione.


Dh Preview One - Click here for more blooper videos

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod

Vanessa, a good and incredibly intelligent friend of mine, is a Twilight fan. This information was then coupled with the following recent statement from my wife about comments I made to her whilst she was watching what I deemed to be a flaming pile of doo-doo (I believe it was Overboard): "You're a real (insert disparaging noun here) about things you don't like. What if I like them, what's so wrong with that?" I immediately went out and began furiously kicking puppies and insulting children. Yeah, I can be a jerk. I can be a big snob when it comes down to things that I don't like. I will call them stupid. I will flat-out state that I don't understand people who like them, and I will make people feel very bad for being interested in something that I'm not. Wow, I need therapy. With this in mind, I need to clarify two important things (1) I don't ACTUALLY think that people who like things I don't are mentally deficient (unless you're a fan of Nancy Grace, then you lick lead-based paint) and (2) I'm usually just trying to be funny and I don't mean anything by it. I have a closet full of comic books and have (and likely will again) played Dungeons and Dragons. I don't give what I can't take. The reason I bring this all up is...well, MTV just posted 14 seconds of the New Moon trailer (I swear, I just heard a tween chick full-on explode). I'm going to post said clip below (it premieres this weekend when the trailer runs before Bandslam, which is going to make more money than you'd think now) and I'm going to make fun of it. Vanessa, I apologize in advance. I do not think anyone who enjoys this clip below is of lesser intelligence, I simply must mock it (without malice) because it is who I am and this is what I do. Forgive me.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

What I've discovered is that you can have fun if you watch it with the sound off and do a voice over on your own. Read this out loud while you watch (okay, you can do it in your head too).

Her - "I'm so sad, the pale homeless guy is leaving."
Him - "Don't cry pretty stoner girl, I have hair like a lion! Plus, I can look like I'm posing for a gay biker magazine, despite only being 12 years old!"
Her - "It may look like I'm staring at your eyes, but I'm actually contemplating your nipples."

Enjoy Twilight fanz!