In honor of Kristen Stewart's birthday, I won't totally hate on Twilight

I kid. Of course I'm going to totally hate on Twilight...although maybe not on Stewart. I know she gets a bad rap for her bad attitude...but if I had to deal with the half-wit sycophants she has to deal with, I'd be in a murder-rage so blind I'd be wearing dead tweens for a fashion statement. She smokes dope, hates her fans, and acts like nothing gets to her...I'm going to admit it, I kind of love her. Also, she can look like this when she tries:
Yes, that's really her. I know, she's got serious stems and is classically beautiful when she wants to be. So happy birthday reluctantly famous, angry hot girl!

What's awesome is that me bagging on her franchise won't even bother her. Yeah, I assume that (A) she reads my column and (B) I also consider how she feels towards me as though one day we'll end up together. Mmmm...delusions. Anyhoodle, this week brought news that Dreamgirls' Bill Condon is probably going to direct Breaking Dawn, the end of the national tragedy that is the Twilight franchise, which may or may not be two movies, nobody's officially 100% confirmed it yet (but it will be). If you recall, that's the one movie (or two movies) I may actually be pumped about, if only because of the totally batshit insane whacked-out madness that occurs. I've had people I like and respect try to explain how the events of the final book are reasonable. They fail every time as I fall into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me tease you with this: the final book involves supernatural pedophilia. No lie. I'm not saying that these movies are going to be good, oh Lord no. But they may be totally friggin' hilarious. Condon is well respected in the industry (he even directs the Oscars ceremony often), but all that should change with this decision. Enjoy your paycheck, Bill! I'd put "the loss of my dignity" in the memo line on the check when you cash it.

Well...it was nice while it lasted

For a brief while, when Avatar consumed the attention of the world, I kinda sorta forgot all about Twilight. Yeah, I know, it was pretty awesome.
Sure, it would come up when I was discussing how Sony wants to poop all over Spider-man's face by turning his adventures into a Twilight-esque den of angst and preening, but for the most part, Twi-mania had finally slunk back into the shadows (or, more specifically, high school lockers and creepy cat ladies' freezers) where it belongs. Well, that's all changed, as Nikki Finke has confirmed that Breaking Dawn, which is totally batshit crazy, is going to be split into two movies, bringing the total to five worthless, poorly acted movies. Okay, maybe it will only be five poorly acted movies and 4 worthless ones, because if what happens at the end of the books happens at the end of the movies...we're in for a little slice of heaven in the form of some seriously whacked out shenanigans. I would go on about this, but you get the idea, right? Oh, hey here's a thought. Even if they move as fast as possible and kick out these movies supa-dupa fast, we're going to have Eclipse this year and Breaking Dawn Uno and Dos next year at the earliest. That means 7 years will have passed from the first book came out until the last movie hits. That's impressively quick, sure, but all those girls who were 15 when the mania first hit are going to be 22 when the last movie comes out. I wonder if they'll still feel the passion for Edward when they're of legal drinking age. Oh, and I should mention that many of the non-teenaged women who loved the first book when it hit may be dead by the time it is all said and done. Likely having choked to death living alone in their apartment. Sad.

Breaking Dawn...apart

As you may or may not know, I'm not a Twilight connoisseur. So, why is it that I want to run out and see an adaptation of the final installment in the series, based on the fourth book, "Breaking Dawn?" Because I read a synopsis courtesy of one of my fave online bastards, Devin Faraci from Chud, and it is delicious, squishy insanity. Don't click this link if you want to stay unspoiled on the events of the book, but let me just say that if this is 25% faithful to the events that happen as described in that post, I'm seeing this in the theater and laughing until my face falls off. I really thought that the whole series was goofy, a bit irresponsible, and totally devoid of originality. I don't know that I can say that about the final book, which apparently reveals that this whole thing has been the set up for a joke that is going to make me piss myself. Seriously, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you think what happens is anything other than total batshit insanity, I will pay you one billion dollars (note, I will not actually pay you one billion dollars). This is all a roundabout way of introducing today's obligatory Twilight update...actually, one more side note first: How many days of coverage are the morning shows going to try to milk out? I mean, sweet Lord in heaven, the books were written in like 10 minutes and were based off of a dream by a weirdo who had written so much as an email before. Can't we give it the two weeks of fanfare it warrants and then let it slide like buffalo-ranch flavored jello? Anyhoodle, the big news is that Variety reports that they may break Breaking Dawn into two movies. That's fine, because I'll really only want to see that last one, and so it will likely save me a few hours. Seriously, people, if you don't know how this ends, you are in for a real surprise...and not a good surprise like "hey it's a party," a bad surprise like "this hair in the bottom of my milk glass is curly."