Slow News Day (Volume One) - The Twi-kids are riiiiiiiich

First off, some housekeeping: I'm going to my cousin's wedding on Friday, so no bloggity blog blog for you that day. Second, today's news is all lame. Everyone must be on summer vacation because nobody is doing anything of value to write about at this point and time. Lo siento, but I can't just make up the news. I'm not Fox. Third, my bug bites that I got for celebrating our country throwing off the shackles of British colonialism really itch. That doesn't really have so much to do with anything, but they do and I wanted to share.

Moving on, as you know, I have begun softening my stance on one Ms. Kristen Stewart.
While everyone else wants to blast her surly, aloof demeanor and reticence to fully invest her heart into the Twilight saga, I have grown to think she's (A) absolutely gorgeous, (B) kind of funny, and (C) staying true to herself while raking in about a bazillion dollars. Case in point, news broke yesterday that the three leads are going to pocket between 25-41 million dollars for making Breaking Dawn (or, as I like to call it, Just You Wait and See How Crazy That Stephanie Meyer Loony REALLY Is). That's professional athlete money we're talking about there. This is in contrast to the unknown Andrew Garfield, who will play the new Spider-man for $500,000. I know, I know, it's hard to weep for a man making half a million to dress up like I would be willing to do for free, but still, we live in a world where repeating brain-dead dialogue while lusting after a dog and a shiny vampire gets you nearly $50 mil and playing the greatest hero of all time gets you what Stewart pays for her weed in a year. I can't stand Robert McHomelesslooking and Tayler Tinynips doesn't seem to have any talent whatsoever. Just like I feel like we'll be seeing more of Emma Watson after Harry Potter is finally over, I feel like Stewart is going to have a nice long career. She's not going to have to now that she could just buy Lichtenstein and smoke all of the weed all day with that kind of money, but if she wants to be a successful and respected actress, I think she can be. See, I said something nice about Twilight in a way. Sure, it was about the one you all hate, but take small victories.

In honor of Kristen Stewart's birthday, I won't totally hate on Twilight

I kid. Of course I'm going to totally hate on Twilight...although maybe not on Stewart. I know she gets a bad rap for her bad attitude...but if I had to deal with the half-wit sycophants she has to deal with, I'd be in a murder-rage so blind I'd be wearing dead tweens for a fashion statement. She smokes dope, hates her fans, and acts like nothing gets to her...I'm going to admit it, I kind of love her. Also, she can look like this when she tries:
Yes, that's really her. I know, she's got serious stems and is classically beautiful when she wants to be. So happy birthday reluctantly famous, angry hot girl!

What's awesome is that me bagging on her franchise won't even bother her. Yeah, I assume that (A) she reads my column and (B) I also consider how she feels towards me as though one day we'll end up together. Mmmm...delusions. Anyhoodle, this week brought news that Dreamgirls' Bill Condon is probably going to direct Breaking Dawn, the end of the national tragedy that is the Twilight franchise, which may or may not be two movies, nobody's officially 100% confirmed it yet (but it will be). If you recall, that's the one movie (or two movies) I may actually be pumped about, if only because of the totally batshit insane whacked-out madness that occurs. I've had people I like and respect try to explain how the events of the final book are reasonable. They fail every time as I fall into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me tease you with this: the final book involves supernatural pedophilia. No lie. I'm not saying that these movies are going to be good, oh Lord no. But they may be totally friggin' hilarious. Condon is well respected in the industry (he even directs the Oscars ceremony often), but all that should change with this decision. Enjoy your paycheck, Bill! I'd put "the loss of my dignity" in the memo line on the check when you cash it.

Well...it was nice while it lasted

For a brief while, when Avatar consumed the attention of the world, I kinda sorta forgot all about Twilight. Yeah, I know, it was pretty awesome.
Sure, it would come up when I was discussing how Sony wants to poop all over Spider-man's face by turning his adventures into a Twilight-esque den of angst and preening, but for the most part, Twi-mania had finally slunk back into the shadows (or, more specifically, high school lockers and creepy cat ladies' freezers) where it belongs. Well, that's all changed, as Nikki Finke has confirmed that Breaking Dawn, which is totally batshit crazy, is going to be split into two movies, bringing the total to five worthless, poorly acted movies. Okay, maybe it will only be five poorly acted movies and 4 worthless ones, because if what happens at the end of the books happens at the end of the movies...we're in for a little slice of heaven in the form of some seriously whacked out shenanigans. I would go on about this, but you get the idea, right? Oh, hey here's a thought. Even if they move as fast as possible and kick out these movies supa-dupa fast, we're going to have Eclipse this year and Breaking Dawn Uno and Dos next year at the earliest. That means 7 years will have passed from the first book came out until the last movie hits. That's impressively quick, sure, but all those girls who were 15 when the mania first hit are going to be 22 when the last movie comes out. I wonder if they'll still feel the passion for Edward when they're of legal drinking age. Oh, and I should mention that many of the non-teenaged women who loved the first book when it hit may be dead by the time it is all said and done. Likely having choked to death living alone in their apartment. Sad.

Breaking Dawn...apart

As you may or may not know, I'm not a Twilight connoisseur. So, why is it that I want to run out and see an adaptation of the final installment in the series, based on the fourth book, "Breaking Dawn?" Because I read a synopsis courtesy of one of my fave online bastards, Devin Faraci from Chud, and it is delicious, squishy insanity. Don't click this link if you want to stay unspoiled on the events of the book, but let me just say that if this is 25% faithful to the events that happen as described in that post, I'm seeing this in the theater and laughing until my face falls off. I really thought that the whole series was goofy, a bit irresponsible, and totally devoid of originality. I don't know that I can say that about the final book, which apparently reveals that this whole thing has been the set up for a joke that is going to make me piss myself. Seriously, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you think what happens is anything other than total batshit insanity, I will pay you one billion dollars (note, I will not actually pay you one billion dollars). This is all a roundabout way of introducing today's obligatory Twilight update...actually, one more side note first: How many days of coverage are the morning shows going to try to milk out? I mean, sweet Lord in heaven, the books were written in like 10 minutes and were based off of a dream by a weirdo who had written so much as an email before. Can't we give it the two weeks of fanfare it warrants and then let it slide like buffalo-ranch flavored jello? Anyhoodle, the big news is that Variety reports that they may break Breaking Dawn into two movies. That's fine, because I'll really only want to see that last one, and so it will likely save me a few hours. Seriously, people, if you don't know how this ends, you are in for a real surprise...and not a good surprise like "hey it's a party," a bad surprise like "this hair in the bottom of my milk glass is curly."

In Defense of (attacking) Twilight

Danielle Maestretti from the Utne Reader has a rather provocative blog post up (not that kind of provocative, get your mind out of the gutter I likely put it in with my last post), titled "Critics Pick on Twilight Fans Because They're Girls." Yowza. Reading past the inflammatory title gets you a little insight into her position, which isn't a defense of the movies-turned-books so much as it is a report of an observation by Sady Doyle from the American Prospect that when describing the "Twi-Hards," most critics (an overwhelming sausage fest if there ever was one) take to maligning the "screeching" girlies, deploying massive stereotypes of teen girls as empty-headed and prone to squealing. Her point is that male stupid-movies like Die Hard don't get the same treatment, they usually receive (as she says) shrugs and not derision. Well, as a certain afro-haired actor once quipped, "Allow me to retort."

Do I agree that the by-and-large totally male-dominated critic landscape has teed off on Twilight? Hell yes! It's a pinata and we're passing out bats. Am I at all concerned that a franchise geared towards women is receiving this kind of bashing? Hell yes! That's why for the first film, I recruited a female to review it (she found it to be rather blah). Do I think that we should stop bashing the Twi-Hards, that we should downshift our derision from blatant to shruggery, and that we should rethink our choice of words? Maybe for some losers I haven't read, but for the most part...hell no.

As I see it there are three parts to this: (1) - The attack on the fans; (2) - The attack on the movies/books themselves; and (3) - The overall implications.

1.) As far as the fans go, there aren't a lot of polite, respectful ways to describe people who maul one another for a poster of Robert Pattenson. There aren't a lot of adjectives that don't sound particularly demeaning that can be used to describe the maniacal nature of a lot of these young ladies. They're freaks. They're idiots. By no means are all of them this way. I happen to know several intelligent young ladies who enjoy the series quite a bit. None of them have drawn blood to touch a poster of Pattenson. When deriding the fans, we critics are attacking the extremists. And they're batshit crazy. Period. I will mock the crazy cat lady who only leaves her home to watch soft-core teenage vampire porn. I will mock the lunatic 13-year-old who tears her own hair out because she wants to legally change her name to Bella. I will do it because it is lunacy of the highest degree. If we aren't able to target the fringe elements of society who lose their shit over things like this, we do them a disservice as well as ourselves: it's not okay to behave this way.

2.) The books are shit. The movies (I assume) are also shit. That's my opinion. It's what I'm paid to provide. In particular, this crap offends me because I happen to consider myself a man sympathetic to the feminist cause...and when I see books and movies that glorify males (vampires, werewolves...whatever, anything with a dong) as saviors, as the be-all-end-all of a woman's life, it pisses me off. Just like I loathe "Sex and the City" for its make-believe empowerment (um, the main character is a toy that her love interest plays with for fun), I loathe that the biggest female pop culture phenomenon in the last decade surrounds worshiping dudes. Hell, I saw a trailer for the film (which I assume at least borrowed elements from the book) in which Bella (ugh, even the name is insulting) acknowledges that the only way she can "be" with her vampire boy toy is BY KILLING HERSELF! For this and this alone I kind of want to back over Stephanie Meyers with a Humvee. Then you hire a talented female director, Catherine Hardwicke, to helm the first movie, give her a shit budget and a terrible script, and then FIRE HER when it becomes a smash hit. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It's just like "Sex and the City" to me. If you are smart enough to see it for what it is, I don't give a crap if you like it. I just loathe it because 70% or more of people who watch it are fooled into believing that it's empowering for them. This series is a feminist train wreck. Period.

3.) The very implication from Maestretti and Doyle that we dudes won't savage dude-movies because dudes like them is insane. Roger Ebert called people who liked Transformers 2 unevolved. I pretty much routinely tee off on fans of Paul Blart (mostly dudes), satirically celebrate The Expendables, and categorically deride any project that deserves it. I am an equal opportunity basher, and I can, will, and have tee off on dipshits of all gender who like crap. It's what I live for. Maestretti and Doyle, whose position I actually respect in principle, should do better to take on the gender inequity in movie reviewing and blogging, should take to demanding better entertainment for women, and should question why, WHY there aren't more women involved in the movie industry. It could be a damn daily column it makes so little sense. Me, I hold out hope for things like Sweet Valley High. Yeah, you read that right. A series of books for girls that is being adapted by Diablo Cody, who regardless of her dialogue "gets it" when it comes to young girls. Howsabout we stand behind her, find some talented people willing to back some promising projects, and at the same time accept that tearing down most full-on Twi-Hards and the insipid series itself is A-Ok and may even be done BECAUSE we believe in doing what's right by girls.

Thus concludes my rant.

Discussion time!

Thanks to EW.com for the alerting me to the following: I find this Esquire editorial blog post to be insanely fascinating. Basically, the article posits that one of the major reasons women are so beguiled by Twilight and other vampire shit (and it is, unquestionably, shit) is perhaps because...straight women want to have sex with gay men. Now, before you scoff and dismiss this entirely, it does make sense on a few levels. Moving beyond the obvious stereotypical elements of vampirical effeminate behaviors and appearances, consider that "True Blood" makes no bones about the allegory between homosexuality and vampirism. The show is littered with various references that the Esquire article details well. When examining Twilight, consider the rather common teenage experience of desiring the unattainable. Many, many, many girls I know have the "I fell in love with a gay guy in high school" story. I heard two new ones last week (no lie). Hell, there are so many ways in which this works I almost think there's no way it isn't at least partially responsible. Just consider things like the two kinds of sex symbols that are currently out there: the rugged playboy (George Clooney, Brad Pitt) and the oddly effeminate (Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr). Am I saying that all women who read this material or watch the countless terrible f**king movies about vampires are all gay chasers? Hell no, that's stupid. I do however find this an interesting phenomenon. By the way, it makes me want to support the whole stupid movement a little bit. See, any ways in which we can use pop culture to make people more supportive of the gay community is a good idea. What do you think? Is this real, off-base, possible, or totally batshit insane?

Oh, and in related fang news, the only vampire movie I'm actually interested in is Daybreakers, which stars Ethan Hawke and Willem Dafoe and is set in a world where 95% of the population are vampires and the remaining 5% aren't enough to feed the others. It's vampire used as obvious social metaphor and not simplistic love interest, so I think it sounds cool. Also, early buzz has it rocking much ass. The new poster, which is totally Matrix-tastic, is right here for you.

Cool as hell, huh?

Halloween looks in treat sack, finds poo

Regardless of what you think of Summit Pictures, the gang behind the Twilight series, they's some smart muthertruckers. How well have they done for themselves for the small price of selling their dignity to become the ringleaders of teenage vampire porn? They may be buying The Weinstein Company. Rumors are a'buildin' that the ever lovable (not lovable at all) Weinsteins may be forced to sell their vanity corp because they suck at what they do, and Summit may be ready to swoop in and, in doing so, pick up some Oscar bait and become a real studio (not just one that rides Robert Pattinson to glory...I'm going to let you girls and a few guys enjoy that choice of words for a minute...done yet? Good). Further proof of the Weinstein demise is that one of their presumable cash cows, Halloween, is no longer franchising. This could be because the Weinsteins decided to give the series to Rob Zombie, which is like finding the most responsible barfly to drive you home. According to Deadline, pre-production on Halloween 3D has been stopped instantly, like the heart of a frequent patron of Cracker Barrel. It's hard to muster any sympathy for the Weinsteins, who have long been the bogeymen of Hollywood and who are, as we speak, campaigning hard for the rights of Roman Polanski (way to step up to the social plate...wonder if this has anything to do with his next film?). They're not going to go away, Halloween 3D is not going to go away, and Rob Zombie is not going to go away. These are facts. Also a fact, this is what counts as news this week. Blerg.

It's official: I hate Stephanie Meyer

In what can only be seen as a spiritual follow-up to the last post I made, here's a lady writer you can feel free to despise: Stephanie "Crapmaster McRichPants" Meyer. Why her and not Diablo Cody, who I so passionately defended previously? Because Meyer basically recycles cliches, feeds it right into the mouths of hungry-hungry-hippo teens, and gets rich without having a unique thought. Blast Cody for her dialogue, but at least she's trying. Plus, the Twilight series really does little more than once-more romanticize boys who treat girls like jerks and reiterate to little girls (and big girls) that they are nothing without the love of a boy...or boy-turned-undead-or-wolf to be specific. News has broken that Meyer's first "adult" novel, The Host (which, by the way has a title that was used YEARS ago by a superior sci-fi/horror film from Korea), is going to be made into a movie directed by Andrew Niccol, who did Gattaca, which I loved. How uninspired and unoriginal is Meyer's latest? Well, bite into this juicy turd of recycled waste, here's the Publisher's Weekly description (along with my commentary in red):

[Benevolent] planet-hopping parasites are inserting their silvery centipede selves into human brains, curing cancer, eliminating war and turning Earth into paradise. Ah, yes, so she's seen "V." But some people want Earth back, warts and all, especially Melanie Stryder Anyone notice how much "Melanie Stryder" is an obvious play on Stephanie Myer?, who refuses to surrender, even after being captured in Chicago and becoming a host for a Soul [as the parasites call themselves] called Wanderer. Wow, "soul" huh. I wonder if this has any obvious religious overtones. Also, nice job on "wanderer." Melanie uses her surviving brain cells If only Meyer would do the same to persuade Wanderer to help search for her loved ones in the Arizona desert. When the pair find Melanie’s brother and her boyfriend in a hidden rebel cell led by her uncle, Wanderer is at first hated. Once the rebels accept Wanderer, whom they dub Wanda, Wanda’s whole perspective on humanity changes. Wanderer becomes Wanda? She did say this was for grown-ups, right? While the straightforward narrative is short on detail about the invasion and its stunning aftermath, it shines with romantic intrigue, especially when a love triangle (or quadrangle?!) develops for Wanda/Melanie. Because even when you're fighting for the redemption of your planet, aided by a terribly named alien, you ain't shit if you're a woman without a man.

Kill me now. So, to recap: She's taken "V," melded it with Invasion of the Body Snatchers, slapped on the title from a great Korean movie, and thrown in a romance. If this makes four dollars it's four dollars too many. I also hate that she does publicity shots like this:

NOBODY STOP HER, we're almost free!

Week in Review

Because I love you, here's a recap of the week's "best," as determined by me in bullet point form, because I love bullets.

• I still think my version of the dialogue from these epic 14 seconds of New Moon footage is the best, but nobody else has given me theirs.
• Darren liked my "Anne Frank-ly" quip.
• This has a picture of Natalie Portman, so, you're welcome.
• My junk drawer runneth over.
• District 9 is teh shit. Period.

That should do it.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod

Vanessa, a good and incredibly intelligent friend of mine, is a Twilight fan. This information was then coupled with the following recent statement from my wife about comments I made to her whilst she was watching what I deemed to be a flaming pile of doo-doo (I believe it was Overboard): "You're a real (insert disparaging noun here) about things you don't like. What if I like them, what's so wrong with that?" I immediately went out and began furiously kicking puppies and insulting children. Yeah, I can be a jerk. I can be a big snob when it comes down to things that I don't like. I will call them stupid. I will flat-out state that I don't understand people who like them, and I will make people feel very bad for being interested in something that I'm not. Wow, I need therapy. With this in mind, I need to clarify two important things (1) I don't ACTUALLY think that people who like things I don't are mentally deficient (unless you're a fan of Nancy Grace, then you lick lead-based paint) and (2) I'm usually just trying to be funny and I don't mean anything by it. I have a closet full of comic books and have (and likely will again) played Dungeons and Dragons. I don't give what I can't take. The reason I bring this all up is...well, MTV just posted 14 seconds of the New Moon trailer (I swear, I just heard a tween chick full-on explode). I'm going to post said clip below (it premieres this weekend when the trailer runs before Bandslam, which is going to make more money than you'd think now) and I'm going to make fun of it. Vanessa, I apologize in advance. I do not think anyone who enjoys this clip below is of lesser intelligence, I simply must mock it (without malice) because it is who I am and this is what I do. Forgive me.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

What I've discovered is that you can have fun if you watch it with the sound off and do a voice over on your own. Read this out loud while you watch (okay, you can do it in your head too).

Her - "I'm so sad, the pale homeless guy is leaving."
Him - "Don't cry pretty stoner girl, I have hair like a lion! Plus, I can look like I'm posing for a gay biker magazine, despite only being 12 years old!"
Her - "It may look like I'm staring at your eyes, but I'm actually contemplating your nipples."

Enjoy Twilight fanz!

Reese Witherspoon and I shared a moment whether she remembers or not

The year: 1998(ish). The place: Barnes and Noble at Omaha's Crossroads Mall. The scene: A young blond (this one)



is inconspicuously walking through the store, with large sunglasses and her head down. Unfortunately for her, I was one of the seven people in the world who had watched the movie Freeway, a retelling of Little Red Riding Hood, set in a trailer park world with a serial killer (played by Kiefer "Hide yer Christmas trees" Sutherland) terrorizing a girl who very much looks like said blond above. In that second, I realize "Great ga-shmoigity! That IS the girl from Freeway! THAT'S REESE WITHERSPOON!" She was a star on the rise! She starred against friggin' Marky Mark in the perpetually-playing-on-cable-TV-nonclassic Fear! I HAD JUST SEEN ALL OF HER GOODIES IN THE PAUL NEWMAN MOVIE TWILIGHT (no, not that version of Twilight, although, for the record, reanimating Newman's corpse is the only way to get me interested). What could I do?! What SHOULD I do? I did what everyone in the world would have wanted, NAY demanded if they knew me at all. I walked away without saying a word. Fastforward five minutes, I'm taking out some trash at the behest of my boss...when I pretty much run directly into her. Yowza. What do I say, trash in hand, stupidity ready to flow? "I loved you in Freeway." Her response, "Thanks." Not "Oh my God, did you really just compliment me on a role where I played a crazy white-trash version of Little Red Riding Hood, where I curse like a sailor? In a film that all but went straight-to-video?!" Just "thanks." That, ladies and gentlemen, is why Reese Witherspoon is a classy lady. She told the garbage-totin', barely coherent, Freeway watchin' yokel, "thanks."

Oh, yeah, what was my point...Oh, Variety is reporting that Leonardo DiCaprio's production company is pursuing a "gothic" version of Little Red Riding Hood that keeps the creepy ending and whatnot. It will likely feature some shitty CGI wolf and a score by Danny Elfman. Let's start the Tim Burton rumors right now. Hell, Depp would be perfect as Little Red Riding Hood. No matter what they do, they won't come close to matching the twisted perfection of this (NSFW if your boss can hear your speakers):



This is the performance I complimented her on.

Like ill-prepared Mexican food...WE'RE BACK!

In what I can only assume is the opening salvo in the impending and inevitable war in which the machines kill each and every one of us, The Reader's server went all Hal on us for a few days there and turned this blog into something that was updated as infrequently as Mischa Barton's IMDB page. I wasn't at the office for the resolution, which I assume ended in a standoff with the server on one side of the room and a brave soul holding a blowtorch next to an iPod declaring "Turn it back on or I'll do it, you metal son of a bitch, I'LL DO IT!" Point is, we are back and more Australian than ever. This is what counts as an apology for my absence, I'd send flowers but I'm not a wuss.

As luck, fate, and divine intervention would have it, Thursday is the day that I peek inside my "junk drawer," which is a clever construct in which I hit a bunch of news blurbs of interest all at once. Let's recap all of the fun news that you would have gotten sooner if the R2D2-lookin' compu-asshole hadn't decided to wonk out.

• Some chick from Twilight I've never heard of is not going to continue being in Twilight and is somehow acting as though she wasn't just spared from a firing squad. Her name is Rachel Lefevre (her last name is French for "Favre"), and she looks like this (thanks to Slashfilm.com for the image):
I could walk past her in a grocery store without noticing. Anyhoodle, she was replaced by Bryce Dallas Howard, a much hotter and more well-known actress (and fruit of Opie's loins), in a move summed up by someone on Twitter (I forget who, it was DAYS ago now) who noted that between Spiderman 3, Terminator 4, and Twilight 3, Howard has really earned her high-school reputation of "girl with worst taste in sequels." What makes this story "interesting" (those were sarcasm quotes) is that the lovely redhead above wasn't so much told by Summit that she was being dumped. This is not the first dick move from the studio, who dumped Catherine Hardwicke after her first directorial effort, as though it were her fault that the Twilight series has all the intellectual integrity of a shitty episode of "Dora the Explorer." Every time you think that this franchise can't sink lower, it manages to abase itself further. Next up: Jennifer Love Hewitt is honestly actively seeking a part. I say do it.

• Everyone is peeing their pants over this new Coen Brothers trailer. That includes ol' soggy-pants Ryan
  
• You can't see the Iron Man 2 footage they showed at the San Diego Comic Convention, but you can see a re-enactment that is hilarious.
  
• Not totally geeked for the geek-out-geekfest that is the new Tron movie? Here's the theme for it performed by Daft Punk, who is scoring the film and touring in support of it. Suck some techno, fools.
  
  Tron Legacy Theme by tuxboard
  
  
• Universal is doing The Lorax as a 3D animated feature. It has subtle themes of environmentalism, if you think Kathy Griffen is subtle. I am actually really looking forward to this. They should totally get Al Gore to do the voice.
• Devin at Chud.com like GI: Joe. I have now slid this movie up a notch on my anticipation scale from "Hey what smells so bad? Oh, God, it's what I'm eating!" to "I'm not sure if this hurts or feels good."

That's it for now. I guarantee there was more I missed, but blame the evil machines for me missing it. It feels so good to be back.

San Diego Comic Convention thoughts....FROM A GIRL!

I should start this by apologizing to young Tessie, who is a beautiful and talented girl whose reputation I besmirched by posting a picture of her where she is, fairly obviously, making a funny face for dramatic effect. It was just wrong of me to suggest that she makes such faces routinely, especially after she sent me the information below. I mean, if she made that sort of face so often that there were many, many photos of her doing it, that would be one thing, but to represent her as ALWAYS making that face based on one image is just irresponsible.



Remember, Tessie, I kid because I love. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get punched for that.

Anyway, the lovely lass did a bang up job providing me with some inside reporting from the con. Here's some highlights of what she had to say below:

• She starts with some praise for the new post-apocalyptic flick: "I don't know if it's too late to send you some more detailed info but here it goes. The Book of Eli, starring Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, and Mila Kunis, looks freaking' sweet...the chemistry between Denzel and Gary is amazing just from the few clips that I saw."
• Tess also suggested that she may have fun with the new Cameron Diaz movie (The Box): "Although Diaz totally butchers a Texan accent...the plot is very complicated, involving a man that leaves a box on Diaz's porch, he returns and tells her if she pushes the button on the box, someone she has never met will die and she will receive one million dollars each time she pushes the button." She suggests that Richard Kelly's direction is on point and that the film looks pretty...and so did Diaz, who is also pretty stupid: "Diaz gave away the ending. She said the people who gave her character the box were ****** and they were ****** *******." That info was censored for your safety. If you really want to know, I'll tell you.
• Tess also seemed intrigued by the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, noting "From the brief teaser I saw, it seems to be an interesting adaptation from the original. They said they didn't tell the same story, but do reference the old movies...The old Freddie Krueger will NOT make a cameo." Regarding Jackie Earle Haley's performance, she's pretty confident. "He is going to kick ass." She does suggest that there's more actual horror in this one and less, and this is Tessie's words here: "poofy stuff. It could be great, but does have potential to be a Prom Night flop...since it is a remake.
• Some things are just a guarantee: "Where the Wild Things Are is going to be amazing.Director Spike Jones worked hand-in-hand with the author of the book to make a movie that is going to stay true to the book but add more adventure; it will show what Max did on his adventures. The creatures take Max on a tour of his kingdom and build an elaborate fort/airplane/boat playhouse made of trees and rocks."
• Love Tess's to-the-point Jonah Hex take: "Josh Brolin is going to be a total freakin' badass. John Malcovich plays the antagonist and will more than likely deliver. The main challenge will be Megan Fox, she's on screen with two amazing actors and she plays a hooker so...yeah. She has a raunchy sex scene with Brolin, so she may just be T&A like she was in Transformers." I'm going to guess that's pretty accurate.
• Tess also appears to have a girl crush on one of my most beloved actresses, Rachel McAdams, as she sums up the new Sherlock Holmes as follows: "Downey Jr. and Jude Law do well and the amazing Rachel McAdams plays the love interest. From the crowd's response, it's a must see."
• In summing up the Tim Burton efforts: "9 is going to be a Burton-esque animated film. It is the feature film directorial debut of Shane Acker, but he was under the wing of two cinematic geniuses. The main challenge for this movie is that it's a PG-13 adult, animated film so they it keep audiences at bay." She's seen "exclusive clips and is a HUGE Tim Burton fan; this movie looks amazing."

But, by far, Tess's biggest experience at the con (and everyone's major critique) involved the following. Enjoy this tale of woe:

This is a true story that happened to me. The Twilight fans were horrible. Everyone at the convention who wasn't a Twilight fan complained about them the whole time. They almost ruined the comicon for everyone. Girls had been camped out for the THURSDAY Twilight panel since MONDAY. I wanted to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland panel, but 8500 Twilight fans kept me out. From what I heard from people who got in, the people in front were Twilight fans and didn't give a rat's ass that Tim Burton was there and would rather see Robert Pattinson than JOHNNY MOTHER F***ING DEPP!!!! But anyway, here's my story. At the Summit booth, I spun a wheel and won the TWILIGHT PRIZE PACKAGE, which included a "Limited Edition Twilight Gift Set" and two tickets to an EXCLUSIVE showing of Twilight (the cast was going to be there so it was a big deal). Only 3000 tickets were available, and they sold out 30 seconds after going on sale. After I won the tickets, I picked them up from the booth; the girl giving out the prizes handed them to me and said (this is a direct quote): "Hide these. Girls are going to try and kill you to get these tickets." Scary shit, I know. My younger sister and I waited in a line that went FOUR BLOCKS to get into the showing. While in line, we had a discussion with a 38-year-old mother who only brought one daughter because she "just had to go and see the vampire!" I also witnessed women well over the age of 40 wearing shirts that said "I Heart Boys Who Sparkle" and "I Love Edward Cullen" Robert Pattinson should be very afraid when women who could be his mother are in the same building begging for him to bite their necks. After waiting in line for four hours, it was time to enter the theater. The minute the cast came down it was chaos. I was almost trampled to death by crazy 14-year-old girls just so they could get a picture of Robert Pattinson going down a freaking escalator. Girls even said, "I can't believe I saw Edward going down the escalator!" After that pandemonium, I was then hassled by women showing off Twilight Barbies (the Edward doll has glitter on it so it sparkles in the sun) because I was too close to the display...and by too close I mean girls were shoving me into it. Once we got into the theater, my sister and I sat in the middle of the front row so we would get the closest view of the cast members. Note: We did this not because we wanted so terribly to get a good view, but because we wanted to stick it to the lunatics who kept us from Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. The cast came out (it wasn't Edward or Bella, it was Emmet, Rosalie, and two new vampires...so the girls in the theater didn't even applaud); they answered questions and were very pleasant, even though 2/3 of the room looked like they wanted to eat them. After the movie started my sister got up to try and use the bathroom. Security then yelled at us and told us we couldn't go because "The talent was still in the building and told us if it was such an emergency we could leave." So my sister and I walked out, only to find more crazy Twilight fans still waiting in line to get into theater.

Now, say what you will, that's one brave girl. I particularly like the part where she stuck it to the fans by sitting in their spot. Nice work, Tessie. I almost feel bad for posting goofy pictures of you...almost.

Ryan's Junk Drawer: Let's hear from people who get paid to go to comic conventions

There's a chance that one of my allies who is current deep behind enemy lines in San Diego with hordes of unkempt, unclean Twilight fans will send me some updates that I will feverishly post as soon as I get them. Then again, she may be (A) too busy to send me stuff or (B) eaten alive by aforementioned Twilight fans because they hate how she speaks in complete sentences that don't end in "which is why I'm getting his name on my lower back." Until then, I can only live vicariously through reports made by people much more wealthy than I am, or at least people who actually get paid some degree of money to slog through the sweaty mass of humanity that is the Comic Convention (seriously, if you've never been to one, it's like shrinking down to the size of a proton and living inside a bead of flop sweat). So, today's junk drawer will feature mostly comic-con bits along with whatever the hell else I feel like because it's my junk drawer and not yours (I kid, if you want to shove something in here, I'll make room).

Let's take a peek at the top 5 tiny tidbits this week:

1.) Avatar is good...will not revive your dead loved ones

The looks at James Cameron's bloated opus have started rolling in...and this time they are from people far less prone to hyperbole and don't orgasm with a feather's touch (for the most part). The three most interesting to me so far are the following:

• Devin from Chud - Read his whole reaction HERE. Pull quote: "Not quite as advertised, but impressive...This is an evolutionary jump, not a revolutionary leap. Avatar left my eyes unf**ked. I didn't experience movies in a whole new way, and nothing I saw on screen left me feeling more than impressed." Bonus video footage...of Devin talking, not of Avatar:
• Drew at Hitflix.com - Read his whole reaction HERE. Pull quote: "I'm going to use a sort of a crude metaphor here, so if you're easily offended, skip down a paragraph. I don't mind. Basically, today James Cameron walked into a room with 6,000 people and pulled out his dick and slapped it on the table. With an HD camera pointing right at it."
• Adam Quigley and Peter Sciretta at Slashfilm.com - Read their whole reaction HERE. Pull quote: "I don't think it's a revolution, but I think it's one of the coolest looking movies I've seen in 10 years."

So, it sounds pretty much like what I figured: A kick-ass, sure-to-be-beloved movie that will not do anything other than raise production budgets for other similarly themed films, ensuring that we get less of them.

2.) District 9 is every bit as good as I thought it would be

When I saw the first preview for District 9, I flipped my lid (not literally, that would hurt). I could not wait to hear if it was as ball-crushingly awesome as that brief glimpse suggested. According to multiple sources (most of whom are listed above, so I'm not going to bother repeating it), the film is just brilliant. To use Devin once more: "Is District 9 the best film of the summer? Quite possibly. It's certainly the best science fiction film released by a major studio in some time. I loved District 9." The man isn't given to effusive praise easily. I cannot, cannot, cannot wait to see this movie.

3.) It's a sexy trailer party

Here's some trailers for your peepers. These have all premiered this week and look, as the kids say, "rad."

First up is The Book of Eli, which is post-apocalyptic, which means my wife will love it.

Next up is Ninja Assassin because...well, come on, it's Ninja Assassin.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Finally, the one many of you have waited for...the Tim Burton LCD trip that is Alice in Wonderland (which, frankly, barely interests me at this point...I've seen Johnny Depp do his crazy accent/character thing with visuals from Tim that look like this over and over...I mean, I'll see it in IMAX 3D, but only because I want to trip balls).


4.) Roger Rabbit not dead yet

Answering some questions in pre-convention interviews, Bob Hoskins has said that he and Robert Zemeckis are still kicking around a possible Roger Rabbit return. Then, at the convention, Zemeckis refused to deny that, but did hedge a bit. This needs to happen. I love the first film (even if the Christopher Lloyd character terrified me), and tech has advanced to where this could be great. Just ask James Cameron for his Avatar toys when he's done using them to create nuclear fission.

5.) Twilight fans terrify everyone

God invented twitter for moments like this. The three best tweets (both from Devin at Chud...who apparently I have a man crush on today) regarding the Twilight panel:

1.) Being here for the TWILIGHT panel is like experiencing Beatlemania. If the Beatles were horrible.

2.) I love Kristen Stewart for her thinly veiled contempt for her fans.

3.) Is it a plot point in NEW MOON that Jacob buys a heavy metal wig at Spencer Gifts?

Happy Friday, people. I'll be back in a bit with some Box Office Predictions.

It's my blog-a-versary, what'd you get me?

Some 365 days ago, in the spot upon which your gaze is fixed right now, I began what some would call a fool's errand: I attempted to use "the Internet" to log my thoughts on "the web," a little practice I decided to call "logwebbing" (somehow the name didn't catch on). Fast forward a year, and I still haven't managed to get The Reader's Web site upgraded (for those keep track at home, we're entering year 5 of my pleading for change from the current Commodore 64-era style), I've made enemies of public radio (see below), I've come up with 25 things to do besides watch Twilight or a new Miley Cyrus movie (also available by scrolling down), and I've put Nic Cage to better use than anyone besides his wife (yeah, you know what's lurking below this paragraph).

Over this year, I've tried to pick up some good habits, lose some bad ones, make movie rumors entertaining, and generally do my best to keep things interesting around these parts. Really, the only thing I regret is that there hasn't been enough discussion on these here posts. I don't know if that's because the janky format I'm locked into is so unweildy that you can't figure out how, if you don't care to do so because I'm more boring than watching a three-hour documentary on the origin of pancake batter, or if you just generally don't care to comment. Still, I would love to know what you would love to see. I'm a pleaser, honest I am, and I would like nothing more than to please you (wow that sounds dirty, I mean, I was shooting for dirty, but still). So, in addition to whatever present you'd like to send me (email me at film@thereader.com for information about where to send the presents...note that the word there is plural), please drop a note or send an email to that address and let me know what you want from me (after you send me a present).

And now, to further celebrate, I humbly present five of my kind-of-favorite things from the last year of Cutting Room (or at least the ones I could remember).

1.) Someone at PRI knows who I am (April, 2009)

Please, Ira Glass, love me as I love you

So, the other night I'm watching "The Colbert Report," and Ira Glass is on, being his usual charming, nebbish self. As planned, he and Colbert proceed to have a discussion (one that produced a great quip from Colbert about how doing a live version of a radio show is "like entering a novel in a baking contest" and a joke about how strapping Garrison Keillor looks...which, come on, we've ALL thought before). After a bit, they began specifically conversing about how "This American Life" is NOT an NPR show but is produced and distributed by Public Radio International. Colbert specifically makes fun of NPR stating "You don't want to be one of those NPR people." In that moment, I realize that despite being listed as one of the programs on the NPR Web site and being heard almost exclusively on NPR channels, "This American Life" is NOT an NPR show. Why does this nuance matter? Because in my review of Examined Life, I refer to "NPR's 'This American Life.'" Oh well, I figure, who's going to notice or care. It's not like I'm going to get a call from an angry Ira Glass (can Ira Glass get angry...if he does get angry, does it sound like other people when they are happy?) and have him ream me for this. Fast forward one whole day from the article's posting on the Internet...and lo and behold, we're contacted by a PRI media watcher who informs us of our gaffe. Now, on the one hand, I feel bad, because Glass seems to imply some kind of NPR vs PRI feud during his interview (two well-educated, socially aware, liberal-leaning organizations enter ONE SHALL LEAVE). On the other, the people from PRI read something I wrote and made a comment on it. Given how much I love "This American Life" and all of the people on it (Dan Savage and Sarah Vowell are idols in my shrines), and other shows from PRI ("Studio 360" and "Whadya Know" in particular), I don't know whether to count this as a loss for having slightly misattributed something or a win because they somewhat in some way know who I am. Either way, it's something to talk about...and on a Friday, I'll take it. So, officially, mea culpa, it is PRI's "This American Life" and I shant forget again.

2.) Airing of Festivus Grievances (December 2008)

Because the number of interesting film tidbits and items are just as slowed by the mind-numbing frigidity of the weather as my will to live, we're going to do things differently today. Instead of dumping movie news chunks on your eyeballs (that sounded way more disgusting than I wanted it to), we're going to editorialize a bit about three irritating subjects. It's the three bitches of Christmas or, to be less religiously divisive, The Festivus "Airing of Grievances."

Grievance One: Sit the Eff Down

Ladies and gentleman, we are gathered here today not to bitch about cell phone use in the theater (if you do this, you are a malignant douche hammer who believes himself to be beyond such concerns as "other people" and the universe will soon dispose of you as one disposes of single use toilet paper). We are not gathered here to bitch about bringing kids too young to sit through a 3-hour violent war opus or sex-soiled horror film (these people will also one day succumb to the universe's TP disposal methods). No, we are here to bitch about the late arrivers, those who think they can still go see the movie they've arrived 20 minutes late for anyway. Now, the fact that you have no disregard whatsoever for your own money is fine by me...although, do consider that missing 20 minutes of a 2-hour movie is basically the equivalent of pouring the neck of the bottle of Canadian Springs whiskey you spent the last few hours drinking onto the street. No, what I'm worried about is the chain of events that your clock-ignoring ass sets into motion. Step 1: You disrupt the entire theater as you either look for your friends who you are meeting (who should not be your friends because they are decent, punctual human beings) or you fumble around letting your eyes adjust while you hunt for the perfect seat in a theater that has been watching a movie for the last 20 minutes. Step 2: This disruption causes annoyance in other theater members (cough, ME, cough), resulting in a distraction from the plot, events, and mood. If we WERE into the movie's world, we are now reminded that we are actually just in a small box with disrespectful subhuman pigmen. Step 3: YOU have missed the opening of the film. Now, whenever a character arrives on screen to do something, you must lean over and go "Who's she?" and "What is she doing?" Step 4: You are bludgeoned to death with a $16 box of Milk Duds. Look, I get running late, but if you miss by more than the length of the previews (give or take a minute), you are too late and should go to another movie or wait for the next show. Period. No exceptions. In fact, this should be a rule for the theater...NAY, it should be a federal mandate that also grants pardon for the inevitable Milk Dud bludgeoning. You've been warned.

Grievance Two: Don't make me hate trailers like God hates trailer parks

We all know that one of the best things about the movies is seeing previews. I mean, sure, we all know that the new Adam Sandler movie is going to suck, but the trailer is good for a laugh. What's that? You have a cool new, end-of-the-world, special effects orgy movie?! After seeing the trailer once, I've already seen you blow your visual wad, so who needs to see the full thing, which is likely crammed with terrible acting by CW stars. Murder mystery? I bet I can figure out the whole thing by the time you're done playing that Dave Matthews Band song! That said, an interesting thing has happened with previews...we're getting more of them...a lot more of them. Last weekend I sat through 9, count them, 9 previews. I wanted to see 8 of those movies, sure, but after the third I was like "just show me the damn Keanu Reeves movie already" and I have never, ever thought that before. Also, I know I've complained before about giving stuff away in the preview, but nobody's going to change that, but can we talk about shortening the length of those bad boys? I mean, a 90-second spot is all it takes to sell me a Lexus or other fine luxury automobile (at least according to the people who thing that wealthy individuals are watching the Bears game and not schtupping some model), isn't 90 seconds all it should take to convince me that, yes, I do want to see Hugh Jackman as Wolverine disemboweling people again? Too much of a good thing is a bad thing sometimes, just ask Hugh Hefner. I love me some trailers, but only for a few minutes. Sounds reasonable, right?

Grievance three: The only thing longer than the movie was your description of how long the movie was

I've said it before and I'll say it again: no, movies shouldn't be 3 hours long unless they are adapting a 10,000 word book or unless 99% of that runtime features a mostly nekkid Rachel McAdams. Still, you don't have to bitch EVERY time about how long the movie is. Here's the thing, they've invented a device called the "Internet." On it, you can see the running time for the movie you are considering watching and then complaining about. What I'm saying is, this should not come as a surprise to you. Thus, when I ask you afterward what you thought, do not say to me "Well, it was long." Really? Really, time master, you think? Yes it was long, but was it good? If you say "it didn't sustain its run time," I at least find you a competent being but "it was long" is not a commentary its a statement of fact. If you're one of those people with the attention span of a fruit fly who can't finish the latest Dean Koontz book because its "too long," maybe you shouldn't be seeing movies that have a run time higher than your IQ. Find something new to complain about! Whine about lighting, or makeup, or dialogue, or plot, or the guy next to you who showed up 20 minutes into the movie, or about how long/plentiful the trailers were. Slip the whining about the length into the middle and we may even stay friends afterwards. You never know!

Well folks, that's my Festivus grievances. If you have your own, I encourage you to leave them. It's very therapeutic.

3.) I hate Twilight soooooo much (November 2008)

And now (just because): 25 Things I'd Rather Do Than See Twilight

1.) Wash my car, not just using a rag and soapy water in 30-degree weather, but with my tongue while wearing only circa-1986 "I heard it through the grapevine" California Raisins underoos.

2.) Watch an all day marathon of "Hannah Montana" without the benefits of hallucinogens or blindness.

3.) Discuss politics with family members, some of whom are among the 13% who think Bush is doing a "totally awesome job."

4.) Make out with Kevin Costner.

5.) Tell people I've made out with Kevin Costner.

6.) Eat clam chowder from the new restaurant "Floyd's Year-Old Milk Product Cafe."

7.) Be forced to make small talk with Ryan Seacrest (sample conversation: "So, hair products then?")

8.) Write an episode of "Two and a Half Men."

9.) Watch an episode of "Two and a Half Men."

10.) Learn to lambada ("the forbidden dance") with a first-degree relative.

11.) Listen to a whole Jessica Simpson song.

12.) Re-categorize my CD collection according to the colors on the album cover.

13.) Publicly defend NASCAR.

14.) Invent a new language consisting only of variations in the tone of armpit farts.

15.) Set foot in a Hot Topic.

16.) Balance the federal budget while Gilbert Gottfried and Carrot Top stand on either side of me telling "jokes."

17.) Watch an all-day marathon of "Sex and the City" with the friends of the people who claim to have friends "just like that."

18.) Transcribe the Koran into Klingon.

19.) Ask Tom Cruise to "convince me that Scientology rules."

20.) Have a conversation lasting more than 20 seconds with any contestant on the following: "The Bachelor," "The Bachelorette," "Rock of Love," "Bang Tila Tequila," "Real Chance at Love," "Charm School," "Flavor of Love," "I Love New York," and "Wipeout."

21.) Explain basic algebra to any Lohan.

22.) Reprogram my car radio to only receive "Hannity" and "Limbaugh."

23.) Get a tattoo of Brett Favre.

24.) Gamble my life savings on a game of Euchre.

25.) Actually read one of the God-forsaken, amateurish books that Twilight was based on and explain to the legion of she-fans why this writing is, in fact, wretched.

4.) I hate Miley Cyrus almost as much as I hate Twilight (July 2009)

25 THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN SEE THE NEXT MILEY CYRUS MOVIE

1. Three words: Wayans. Brothers. Marathon.
2. Write a novel based on each and every Taylor Swift song.
3. Thoroughly test the FDA's expiration date practices on cheese and cheese-related products.
4. Watch Hilary Duff do something other than release her death rattle.
5. Invent hairstyles for back hair (first up: the hind-quarter mullet).
6. Invest my life savings in a line of "According to Jim" merchandise.
7. Become Patient Zero in the upcoming "Hippopotamus Flu" epidemic.
8. Move to Wasilla, Alaska.
9. Invite a few Exes over for "hey, what the hell IS wrong with me?" night.
10. Disprove the theory that I wouldn't last long in a maximum security prison.
11. Family reunion? I'll take three please.
12. Finally meet Bono, only to say "I preferred you better with Cher."
13. Create a new Wii game based on vomit simulation.
14. Go on a three-day C-Span bender without the benefit of hallucinogens.
15. Violently defend with flailing hand gestures and obscenities the position that "Paul Blart is to the modern comedy what Monet was to impressionism."
16. Who's gonna eat that? I'M gonna eat that.
17. Give nothing but old TV guides to people for Christmas.
18. Write strongly worded emails to news media outlets inquiring why they're just sweeping this whole Michael Jackson thing under the rug.
19. Convince Brett Farve he SHOULD play again.
20. Toilet paper? Who needs toilet paper.
21. Tempt the hedge clippers by landscaping nude.
22. Yes, honey, we SHOULD buy three cats.
23. Have a conversation with Michael Bay that doesn't involve making explosion noises with our mouths.
24. Set foot in Texas for reasons other than a second ice age.
25. Turn this blog into a Scientology-based forum titled "The Beasts at the Heart of Space...and So Can YOU!"
    

5.) The best clip on the Internet (September 2008)



Happy b-day bloggites. Hit me up (film@thereader.com), I'll be ready for my presents any time now.

Twilight forces me to reevaluate my favorite musicians

You have to give it to Twilight, it is taking the art of sucking to levels that previously had only been achieved by mid-90s rappers and ex-girlfriends. I generally treat any news from the series like close relatives fornicating: I know it's happening, but I'm going to hide from it like my sanity depends on it (because it does). But then Slashfilm.com turned me on to a Rotten Tomatoes article that I swear to God I only glanced at long enough to find the related information I needed (and even that was too long, as I got a peak at what I presume is the "werewolf pack" in the film standing together in shirtless, non-werewolf form, in which they look like they're standing in line for a Banarama reunion or starring in a new ad for "Le Douche," a cologne that smells of flop sweat and desperation). In this article, the following was spoken by Chris Weitz, director of the next installment of the series (and, as such, total asshole): When speaking of who is included in the next soundtrack, Weitz said "The criterion will still always be what's right for the movie at that given moment, but Thom Yorke is interested; we might, if we're very lucky, get Kings of Leon to do something." Wow...just...wow. I just did my "25 things I'd rather do than (fill in the blank)" installment, but allow me to give you my top 5 reactions to this news:

1.) I hereby demote Kings of Leon to Princes of Excrement.
2.) The other members of Radiohead, who collectively weigh 73 pounds soaking wet and must use their combined might to open a jelly jar, are going to beat the shit out of Thom Yorke.
3.) I would like to hereby change the term "selling out" to "Yorke-ing a Leon."
4.) This means 20 million tween girls are going to own the same music I do.
5.) At least I now have a bar to measure disappointment against. "Oh, it's bad, but it isn't Thom Yorke doing Twilight music bad."

I love, deeply love, both Yorke and Leon, so this news is like finding a copy of one of these novels on my wife's side of the bed. This is going to take awhile to get over, people. Happy Monday.

25 Things I'd Rather Do Than Watch a New Miley Cyrus Movie

The first blog I did that ever got any traction (by the way, my blog-a-versary is coming up rapidly on July 23rd...you really should get me something) was one wherein I discussed 25 things I'd rather do than watch Twilight (you can find it here, about halfway down the page). Personally, I felt like I limited myself to that number, as the sheer scope of things I'd rather do is just about infinite. Several people told me they read it and laughed (okay, it was one person, but it made me feel like an effin' celebrity), so I figured I would try it again sometime. Today I came across news in Variety that told me Disney is taking the young adult novel "Wings" and making a Miley Cyrus movie out of it. I have nothing against "Wings" (especially the television show...oh, Tony Shaloub, how you've been our funny-talking jester for decades now...oh, weird-looking-girl who played Helen, how's Denny's?), but I do have something against Miley "Horse-tooth" Cyrus, a girl who has behaved like a petulant child and been grossly rewarded for it despite having no discernible talent in any way, shape, and/or form. Add to this the fact that it is being produced by Temple Hill, who also had a hand in Twilight, combine that with a plot about a girl who sprouts wings and learns she's a fairy, multiply that by the fact that Cyrus is currently filming a Nicholas Sparks movie, and you have the formula for uncontrolled rage. Ladies and gentlemen, I give unto you:

25 THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN SEE THE NEXT MILEY CYRUS MOVIE

1. Three words: Wayans. Brothers. Marathon.
2. Write a novel based on each and every Taylor Swift song.
3. Thoroughly test the FDA's expiration date practices on cheese and cheese-related products.
4. Watch Hilary Duff do something other than release her death rattle.
5. Invent hairstyles for back hair (first up: the hind-quarter mullet).
6. Invest my life savings in a line of "According to Jim" merchandise.
7. Become Patient Zero in the upcoming "Hippopotamus Flu" epidemic.
8. Move to Wasilla, Alaska.
9. Invite a few Exes over for "hey, what the hell IS wrong with me?" night.
10. Disprove the theory that I wouldn't last long in a maximum security prison.
11. Family reunion? I'll take three please.
12. Finally meet Bono, only to say "I preferred you better with Cher."
13. Create a new Wii game based on vomit simulation.
14. Go on a three-day C-Span bender without the benefit of hallucinogens.
15. Violently defend with flailing hand gestures and obscenities the position that "Paul Blart is to the modern comedy what Monet was to impressionism."
16. Who's gonna eat that? I'M gonna eat that.
17. Give nothing but old TV guides to people for Christmas.
18. Write strongly worded emails to news media outlets inquiring why they're just sweeping this whole Michael Jackson thing under the rug.
19. Convince Brett Farve he SHOULD play again.
20. Toilet paper? Who needs toilet paper.
21. Tempt the hedge clippers by landscaping nude.
22. Yes, honey, we SHOULD buy three cats.
23. Have a conversation with Michael Bay that doesn't involve making explosion noises with our mouths.
24. Set foot in Texas for reasons other than a second ice age.
25. Turn this blog into a Scientology-based forum titled "The Beasts at the Heart of Space...and So Can YOU!"