Thursday, April 15, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

Good morning, sinners. I can't take credit for that. That's how Warren Ellis (the comic writer, not the musician) greets his followers on Twitter. As I've said before, he also refers to his beard as a "hobo rape thicket," which is the creepiest description for facial hair not currently on Ben Affleck's face. As you know, today is Thursday (unless you didn't know...maybe I should have said SPOILER ALERT: Today is Thursday). That means it's the day that I expose my junk. By junk, I mean my movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant a post of their own. We begin each session of junk exposure by examining the image above of a creepy-ass junk drawer from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN) and picking one item out to make an insane backstory about. This time, we're going to choose the mysterious white substance in the middle of the drawer. Despite years of research proving that it was (A) both perfectly harmless and (B) delicious, Susan's invention, "Cocaine for Kids," was shot down by every investor available. Although packed with essential vitamins and nutrients, and only a very small amount of stimulant/hallucinogen, mainstream America was just too stubborn and refused to consider letting children snort the chemical cocktail. Susan's dreams of school lunchrooms where every toddler shoved kiddie-blow up their nose were just never meant to be.

Okay, enough preamble. Let's get on to the amble! Here's my junk for this week!!!!

1.) First Whedon, now Munn? Nerds REJOICE! - Before we get to the sexytime comic news you're thirsting for, a quick follow-up. It seems that Marvel reads my blog. Okay, fine, probably not. But at the very least, they arrived at the same bright idea I did, which was to let Joss Whedon take a crack at the Avengers screenplay above all else. He may do a good job directing...but he WILL do a good job writing the mega-comic movie. So, yippee, the Avengers may not suck. Actually, this leads perfectly to the next bit of nerd-vana. I'm told that nerds like this girl:
I can't see why. As you likely know, that's Olivia Munn who you know from G4's "Attack of the Show" (and from the many, many downloads of her picture on your boyfriend's/husband's computer). She loves geek things and had a small cameo in Iron Man 2, which was cut. Then they called her in and said that she needed to come back in and shoot something else for the movie, a role that she tweeted made her "an actual marvel character." The theory today has it that Munn may be playing the Wasp. Now, what I know of Munn's acting is mostly from that commercial where she plays the fortune teller. That's not a good sign. Still, how hard is playing the Wasp? Sure, if the character is in The Avengers, which she should be because she's a staple of the team in the comics, she'll have to deal with getting domestically abused by Ant Man. Until then, who cares if she only looks good in leather? Take this all with a grain of salt, as Munn could still be playing a much more minor role. Still, nerds have to be salivating over this prospect like they salivate over the thought of a world with no further human interaction.

2.) Butter sounds very good for me - Butter, which seems to have an awesome script AND an awesome casting director, just keeps landing big name talent. The film is both a satire of the 2008 Iowa Caucuses AND an opportunity for people to make tons of jokes about butter. Win-Win, I say. I'm going to go pictorial on your asses. Here's your cast so far:

Jennifer Garner
Ashley Greene

Olivia Wilde

Alicia Silverstone

Hugh Jackman

and (sexiest of all) Rob Corddry

How can you not want in on this one? A great script and a cast composed of every sexy person ever...and Rob Corddry?! This is one satire that I think has a real chance at making us all very, very happy.

3.) In the name of Kubrick, I declare thee awesome! - Given the uninspired, remake-heavy bullcrap we often suffer through, the prospect of getting a little new Stanley Kubrick on us is awesome. The late brilliant director keeps giving, as the treatment for Lunatic at Large, which was written for Kubrick in the 50s by Jim Thompson, is going to be made into a movie starring Sam Rockwell and Scarlett Johansson. It's drawing some comparisons to Shutter Island, but I don't care. This is literally as close as we can come to seeing Scarlett in a Kubrick movie. That makes me happy. I don't know who will end up directing it, but I hope it's someone with a degree of talent. When paired with good directors, Scarlett shines (Woody Allen, Sophia Coppola). When paired with bad directors....she sure is pretty. See?

4.) The last time they worked together, I cried a lot - I have never blubbered at a movie quite like I did at The Fountain. There were a lot of reasons why, but I still hold that at least part of the equation was Darren Aronofsky and Rachel Weisz (and Hugh Jackman) just absolutely committing to the material. Well, Aronofsky (who gets to sleep with Weisz EVERY NIGHT because they're married and stuff) is going to need that same level of commitment again, as Entertainment Weekly is reporting that he will direct his honey as she plays Jacqueline Kennedy in the days after her husband's assassination. Anyone smell the Oscars in the air? I do! First off, she can look the part (see below):
Second, he's got the talent to make this something more than a boring biopic. Third, the subject matter is still riveting. Look at that, a major movie that will get Oscar talk that is headlined by and almost entirely about a woman. Things have changed! I kid, of course, as just earlier this week Sigourney Weaver said the only reason James Cameron didn't win the Oscar is "he didn't have boobs," as in, Kathryn Bigelow only won because of her female status. Nope. She won because she did the best job directing. Oh, and if Cameron's loss had ANYTHING to do with genitalia, it isn't his lack of boobs, it's that he's a dick.

5.) Trailers, parked - Some fun ones this week, really, as we're going all comedy!

Ryan Reynolds' superhero obsession continues, as he plays a figment of Jeff Daniels' imagination in Paper Man, which probably won't be very good. It's played at numerous festivals to little praise, even though the trailer makes me want to see it.

Next up is The Other Guys, which as someone else put it is obviously the movie that Kevin Smith's Cop Out wanted to be. Will Ferrell has been seriously licking his wounds since his last few's hoping there's a second act to his career that begins with this.

Finally, we have an Annette Benning sighting. She only appears once a half decade before disappearing into the shadow of Warren Beatty. This time, she's a lesbian mom with Julianne Moore. I think the movie looks great, and is the type of entertainment we need to push acceptance of lesbian/gay families into the mainstream. Huzzah for The Kids Are All Right trailer!!!

That's it for this week. Sorry for all the salacious photos of scantily clad women and Hugh Jackman (and double apologies for Rob Corddry's picture). It just lent itself to that theme and I thought I'd run with it. Remember, celebration of hot celebrities doesn't mean I'm not still a staunch believer in gender equality and other important things! Happy Thursday!

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Anonymous Vanessa H. said...

While I am admittedly biased b/c I am a huge Joss Whedon fan, I don't think I've ever read anything on your blog that made me as happy as them letting him work on the Avengers script. (Including all the Twilight news) Whedon will do wonderful things. And I actually have A LOT of faith in his ability to direct the movie. And while it won't happen, one my favorite potential outcome of all this joy is the MTV (half-jokingly) created idea that Whedon should talk Nathan Fillion into playing Hawkeye...and get everyone else to go along with it. It'd be perfect.

April 15, 2010  
Blogger Ryan said...

Fillion as Hawkeye is a badass idea. I've heard Neil Patrick Harris as Henry Pym, which works for me too. The latter is more likely, but I'd be good with either!

April 15, 2010  
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April 16, 2010  

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