Thursday, April 29, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

Somehow we managed to once more stave off the apocalypse and reach Thursday. You may be thinking, "But Ryan, Thursday isn't Friday, and everybody knows Fridays are the best. There's no restaurant called 'Thank God It's Thursday (TGIT).' What's so special about Thursdays, doofus?" Well, for starters, I think TGIT sounds dirty, so you're a pervert. Second, Thursdays have the highest number of quality TV shows. As evident by this:

Third, it's the day you get to see my junk. Oh yeah, that's right baby. You get to see all of my junk. And of course by junk I mean movie tidbits that didn't warrant their own post (again, what were you thinking, pervert?). Before we peek in MY junk drawer, we always begin by taking a look at the creepy-ass illustration of the junk drawer above (taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN) and pick one item from said image to make up a backstory about. Today's item is the pink square in the upper left corner between the thread and the coin. Magdelena's husband, a total asshole, had collected stamps his whole life. In fact, it was the only thing he enjoyed doing besides acting like a total dillweed. When he wasn't singing karaoke Miley Cyrus songs, watching Twilight movies, or misusing the word literally, this douchebag loved nothing more than finding certain stamps. Too sweet to ever directly confront her clownshoes husband, Magdelena did the only thing she could do: She spent her life savings and purchased the rarest stamp in all of creation, the 1920s-era "Why would we worry, everything is going to be great economically forever" stamp. She then took the only stamp her husband needed to finish his collection and hid it in her junk drawer. One day soon, she will present it in front of him, and use it to send in her fan letter to Boy George. Suck on that, tool!

Okay, enough of the nonsense, let's get to the amusing and entertaining junk!

1.) If the muppets make something, I post it - Of the few dictums that guide my life, this one is the easiest: I'm going to watch whatever the muppets do and probably try to force you to do the same. It's the reason God put me on this earth. We have two muppety nuggets of goodness this week, both are related to the phenomenal "Bohemian Rhapsody" cover my fuzzy, permanently sodomized friends did a few months back. The first video is Animal calling his "mama" to let her know that their video got a Webby nomination. Webbys are like Emmys, only nobody cares about them. So....they're exactly like Emmys.

This second video is the actual Bohemian Rhapsody cover...with Kermit's commentary. If you thought it couldn't get better, you were wrong.

Expect my nonstop muppet love to only increase as their next feature film gets closer to reality. You've been warned.

2.) The only Twilight movie that interests me gets a director - As we've discussed here many times, even wretched things can have some interesting facet. From the creepy guy who sits in the back of class mumbling what sounds like demonic incantations (but who does really great drawings of puppies) to the girl whose laugh sounds like she ingested a water buffalo (but can rebuild a car engine with her eyes closed inside of five seconds), there can be a nugget of wonderful in everyone and everything. What I'm saying is, I'm going to get excited for Breaking Dawn, the final movie (or movies, nobody is clear on that yet) of the Twilight torture. Again, this is not because it's going to be good. It can't be. It's because I cannot wait to see how they're going to do some of the hallucinogenic, batshit insane sequences that I'm told are in the book on the big screen. The best part is, most of these wacky shenanigans are tied directly to huge plot events, so you can't really not do them. Seriously people, if these things are weird enough to make me WANT to see one of these godforsaken movies, you know they have to be WEEEEEIIIIIRRRRD. The news is this: According to EW, Bill Condon is going to direct Breaking Dawn. Condon did Dreamgirls (meh) and Gods and Monsters (YAY!) and is generally seen as a good director that people respect. Sorry, he WAS generally seen as a good director that people respect. Now he's the guy who sold out for Twilight. Don't let that get you down, Bill! You just get to making the craziest thing that I've ever heard presented to teenagers!

3.) Magic 8-Ball finally gets its day in the sun -
The craze over boardgames-turned-movies defies logic and good taste. And it's only getting worse. Battleship, Ouija, and Monopoly are all happening, really happening. Over at Vulture, the news gets worse: The Magic 8-Ball is going to get a movie. There is literally no way in which this can be made into something entertaining. I don't care if you resurrect Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kubrick to team up with one another. Okay, I care and would totally watch that, but those guys are dead and you're no necromancer. Thus, the chances of this being anything other than a crime against humanity are slight at best. You know what I'd do? I'd make this Sandra Bullock's comeback project. It seems like she was following its advice anyway when she chose to marry the homophobic neo-nazi who bangs bags of silicon with people attached to them. Plus, I'm pretty sure her manager has been a Magic 8 Ball this whole time. It just got lucky with The Blind Side.

4.) The best team up since Spider-man/Man-thing - Vulture has some better news though. They say that JJ Abrams is teaming up with Steven Spielberg. Wow. That's really crazy good news! Abrams is primed to be the Spielberg of this generation, I feel, delivering mass crowd pleasers with true skill and heart. Supposedly, Abrams is teasing that his new secret project is going to be a collaboration with Spielberg and is very reminiscent of Stevie's projects from the 80s and 90s (please don't mean Hook, please don't mean Hook). Someone has also described it as "the anti-Avatar," which I can only assume means it will have an original script and not be directed by someone who is investing vast resources in cloning himself for the purposes of making out with it. More on this exciting movie pairing as it becomes available.

5.) Trailers, parked - We've got horses, horror, and horrible acting this week. Wowza!

First up is Secretariat, a movie my wife wants to see so bad she was almost late for work watching this. It's basically Seabiscuit 2, but I'm good with that. What? I like feel-good stories, and John Malkovich is in it.

If campy is more your thing, check out Piranha 3D. The franchise gave birth to Jim Cameron, and this somehow feels kind of fun. I'm sure it's going to fall short of the entertainment it could provide, but if it gets close, I'm going to love it.

Finally, it must be done: Here's the Twilight Eclipse trailer. Mind you, they can't show you all of the film BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL DOING RESHOOTS. That's not a good sign. Then again, what did y'all expect. It's more of the same. Again, all of this only serves to set up the insanity of the final chapter. You have no idea.

That's my junk for this week. Back atcha tomorrow for Friday, yo.

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