Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

I kind of hate this week. It's been all full of weirdness and weak. It's a weak, weird week. Look at what it's done to me! I'm jibbering and jabbering and I don't even know what I'm talking about. It's time to get myself together, if for no other reason than this is the day I expose my junk to you. It may be someone's first time seeing my junk this week, and I want to make a good first impression. Because once someone has an impression about your junk, they will tell EVERYBODY that impression. "Oh, his junk is lame." I don't want that. I can't have people out there saying "Have you seen Ryan's Junk? I have, and it is not good." I want people to say how magnificent it was, how you were surprised at all it contained!

Obviously, I'm talking about my figurative junk...as in the movie news that I deem too small to warrant a full blog post. I realize that it sounded like I was talking about something else, but this is a PG-13 rated site at best. Okay, sometimes I dabble my toes in the R-rated waters...but it always feels like someone peed in that side of the pool. Anyway, as you know, we begin every weekly edition of my Junk Drawer column by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and picking an item I write a goofy story about.

Today's item is the green and red tube in the lower right corner. Knowing full well the cycle of fads, what with the resurgence of skinny jeans and such, Karen knew that if she prepared herself, she could be ahead of the game. Armed with a bedazzler, limited sewing ability, and a passion for ridiculous accessories, she began amassing a staggering number of glittery, fuzzy leg warmers. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why people had stopped wearing them in the first place, what with how your shins felt like you were wearing pants even though you weren't and the awesome, raw, potent sexuality they unleashed. She knew it was only a matter of time before the populous awoke and realized that the only thing that would spell their thirst for sweater sleeves you wear on your legs were legwarmers! And she would be ready. Oh yes. She would be ready.

Okay, enough Tomfoolery and shenanigans. Let's get physical! Here's the Junk Drawer items for this week.

1.) Everything goes exactly as expected. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz - These bits of news were splashed across everyone else's Web site yesterday. But I stand from the pack. I mean, do you see other sites out there spending a good portion of time inventing stories about leg warmers and writing suggestive introductions about their junk? I didn't think so. Look, I didn't report on these things in depth because I find both of them as shocking as when CNN pundits press a button that turns Kentucky red on an electoral map. Here we go. Peter Jackson will, in fact, shoot The Hobbit in New Zealand despite all sorts of previous problems with labor unions (sorry, this is about New Zealand, so I think I have to use the foreign labour spelling, because nothing says "we ain't in America" like an unneeded U). Yippee! Look, it's good news because the films will look the same and it should be filmed there, just for consistency, but honestly did anyone think they wouldn't be? Put your hand down Guy Who Falls For Got Your Nose.

The other boring news is that James Cameron will be doing Avatar 2 and 3 next.
First off, this is so stupid that he should be forced to have the guy on the right in this picture follow him around during the entire production of these films. "I LOVE THE NAVI SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO BE ONE! Also, I really want Dave Matthews to get back to his roots, you know." Seriously, take off the face paint and that guy looks like the date rapist in a "Law and Order: SVU" episode. Anyway, I don't care to see sequels to these films, and just because he said these are his next movies that doesn't mean anything. Given his track record with his "next" project, we could be waiting until 2024. And by waiting, I mean not caring.

2.) Double-decker Cruise news - Maybe that should read "upper decker" Cruise news because both ideas are kind of stinky. Cristopher McQuarrie, who shall be forever loved in my book because he wrote The Usual Suspects, says that Maverick is the lead in Top Gun 2. That's in direct opposition to rumors that Tom Cruise would only cameo in the film. Is he willing to do a full-on sequel? I mean, I guess so. It's not like he's too big to ignore the possibility now. I can't wait to return to the character of Maverick, who has such a rich tapestry of emotions to demonstrate...like boning hot chicks and being angry. I hope the villain is somehow Meg Ryan. That would be awesome. Oh, and in the second half of this news, Cruise was offered a role in the big screen Rock of Ages, which I'm told is a musical about rock music but sounds like it would give me ear herpes.

Tommy loved that joke. Anyway, I don't know if he can sing (no, no he can't), I don't know if he can dance (no, no he can't), but he may take this because he apparently really wants to sing and dance. Look for his wife to be given some role in it as well, which is great news because she needs to come up for air soon or she'll die.

3.) I want Harley Quinn. My ideas are the best. - You have no idea how much I want to be right about the upcoming plot for The Dark Knight Rises. I know I'm probably not, but hear me out. We know that Chris Nolan is meeting with young actresses. The assumption is Catwoman or a new love interest. The process is so secretive that not even the people auditioning know what they're auditioning for. I so badly want it to be Harley Quinn. Let me tell you how this would work and why it would be awesome.

How it would work: We know that Nolan has said his plan was to have the Joker return in the next film before Heath Ledger died. We know that he won't replace the role. We also know that, within the film, the Joker was HOPING that Batman would kill him at the end. That was part of his end game, trying to make Batman lower himself. I like the idea that there may have been a plot past that. As in, the Joker either had a contingency plan for if Batman only captured him or a next step if Batman killed him. Either way, he's out of the picture, which would mean that he couldn't be the guy doing stuff. So why not have it set up for someone else to take over the Joker's plan. It's reasonable and consistent with the character as presented to believe that he would have seen this coming. Don't make this a revenge movie where his girlfriend takes up his mantle, make this a logical extension of the last film.
Okay, why it's awesome. Because it keeps things consistent, because it lets you play with the themes you wanted to play with, because its unexpected!!! But beyond that, two more good reasons. 1 - It would automatically represent a great female character for Nolan, who has been accused of not having too many of those. 2 - It would avoid the cliches of every other major villain you could think of. I love this idea. I hope that this is actually what's happening even though I'm sure it's not. Nolan, it isn't too late! Make this happen!

4.) Zach Galifianakis gets my dream job - He's going to play with Muppets. We don't know the role, some have speculated he'll just be a voice. We don't know how big that role will be, but he's only going to be involved for a few days of shooting according to rumors. All I know is that his sense of humor is so completely perfect for the off-kilter universe of Muppets that it makes my heart almost as happy as this:

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Sean Penn from Between Two Ferns

If this was a daily segment it would be the best part of every day. Anyway, Zacky-G is going to chill with the fuzzy folks. All is right with the world.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Two weird ones for you this week. First up is Rare Exports, a movie that involves a creepy take on Santa. It isn't your goofy slasher Santa movie, but a dark comedic/serious take on the origins of the child judger. Lord does this intrigue me.


Brother's Justice is another mockumentary, and I'm pretty much over them. It looks kind of funny, and I like the folks involved, I just can't really get all that jazzed over anything that looks like this anymore. Oh, I'll probably see it, but I ain't all tingly about it.


Okay, that's it gang. Hopefully a weird week means a great weekend, so let's hook up tomorrow to talk weekend plans. Have a great Thursday.

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Muppet-lover's delight

And a good Friday morning to you, my bloggy devotees. As I may have mentioned one or one thousand times, I have yet to get my bearings on this week and, oh look at that, now it's Friday. Oh well, I suppose being immortal means I don't have to care about flushing a week of my life down the toilet because I couldn't get my head right. Hmm? What's that? I'm NOT immortal? Really? Well, I guess the only thing that will comfort me about throwing precious life away like a half-eaten burrito is more muppet news.

As I told you last week, former "Hooters" girl (hey, that's a less shameful introduction than "star of Leap Year") Amy Adams was considering whether to join one of two art films or star in the new Muppet Movie. She chose well.
The delightful redhead is now among my favorite humans, as she has decided to forgo the flesh in favor of felt and fur! And she's not alone. I reveal to you the muppety villain!
I think that short, buzz-haired, black and white Chris Cooper is the scariest...but blonde, thinning-haired Chris Cooper does also want to eat my face.

Don't worry, though, there's another cutie to combat the Coop.
That's Rashida Jones, and she will be bringing her delightful brand of sweet whimsy and adorableness alongside Amy Adams and a slew of creatures that have hands inside of them. Folks, this Muppet movie is happening, and I could not be happier about it. Okay, if I were in it, if muppets were real, and if I hung out with Rashida Jones and Amy Adams, I could be happier.

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Avenue Q meets LA Confidential? Yespleasethankyou

The best news in an otherwise rather-challenging week is this: Lionsgate has picked up Happytime Murders, a dark comedy about muppet murder.
Jim Henson's son, Brian, is set to direct this tale of a world where muppets and humans coexist but the fuzzy folk are treated like second-class citizens (or third-class citizens, depending on your view of how we treat various minority elements in this country). When the puppet cast of an old kids TV show get murdered one by one, it's a disgraced LAPD puppet detective pairs up with a human to solve the case. This makes me think three things (1) MUPPETS CAN DIE? WHAT THE HELL?! That's a heck of a thing to burden me with when I'm already fussy. I thought those things were immortal! (2) I hope this is rated R and we get to hear muppets curse. The only thing funnier than muppets saying dirty words is a homophobic senator who is revealed to be gay. (3) I know they aren't ACTUALLY using recognized muppets in this movie, but how great would it be if Gonzo was the killer? Years of pent up rage released in glorious felt murder. I cannot wait for this movie. God bless Lionsgate for greenlighting this one!

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Happy Friday, I brought cupcakes

Here's the scoop, gang. If I'm a good boy and I'm hyper-productive today, I can have a slightly more relaxing weekend. Mmmm, slight relaxation. So I really need to focus my chi, harness my energy like my soul had a windmill, and not waste time making weird triplicate lists of things I need to do. In the spirit of starting the workday out right, you know how every once in a great while, a hero will bring donuts or bagels into the office? Right, it was never me either, but there are good people in this world better than me about showing the proper reverence for coworkers through baked goods. Well, seeing as how this internet is now my office, I have some cyber goodies to share with you. They're too attractive to eat anyway (I'll leave you to insert your own "much like [fill in the blank]" joke there). I got these images from Slashfilm and they're of Illinois-based bakery BlueRett Cakes, so if you're in their area, order these sexy puppies right up.

First up, may the frosting be with you:
Some of these are just incredible. The R2 one, the Death Star one, the Ewok, and the Imperial Guard are the best in my opinion, but I would be a proud owner of any of them. Seriously, though, you can't eat those, right? They have to be preserved forever. I mean, the only things I'd keep longer would be a muppet cake.
Seriously, how do you say "give me the one with the Swedish Chef on it, so that I may eat it?" You're going to devour Beeker? I mean, feel free to feast on Scooter, but the others are off limits. Why, the only thing more impressive would be individual muppet cupcakes.


OH MY GOD THOSE ARE INCREDIBLE! Look at that Animal one! Any of them really! In this instance you can feast on Rizzo and Scooter, but no more. Isn't this a nice way to start our morning? Kudos to you BlueRett Cakes, here's hoping you get wonderful free press!

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Superfuntime Giant Orgy of Comic-con news!!!

The budget of this blog consists of a nickel and a wish, and I spent the wish on that Portman photo below (psst, it was worth it). So I do not have a correspondent down in San Diego for the Comic Convention. Thus I am forced like a bad parent to live vicariously through others. We're gonna do it like this: The news from yesterday will be wrapped up in this one post, the weekend news will be wrapped up in Monday's post. Yes, all this news will be secondhand, but to be fair, it's a bad-ass red right hand. I can't promise you information you won't find anywhere, but can I ask you this: Is any other blog going to give you news of the Comic-con with a summary that consists of doing an impression of the angry, hate-filled doucheasaurus rex that is Mel Gibson if he were a weatherman? I didn't think so. Okay, and just so we're clear on the joke, tapes of Gibson saying the most terrible, awful things ever recorded in the English language have been surfacing recently. Thus, I have decided to mock his evil by turning him from an Oscar winning actor into a lowly weatherman describing my level of excitement about upcoming movie stuff, complete with his brutal racism and a look into his increasingly unstable psyche. Remember, he only wins if we don't laugh at him in his face and don't hope he falls into a Lassie-proof well.

1.) Can I have permission to be excited for Sucker Punch yet? - I have enjoyed both Zack Snyder movies so far, and I think his computer-generated owl movie looks bad-ass. There, I said it. So, really, it's no surprise that I think the first glimpses into Sucker Punch are stunning...and not just because, you know, hot chicks with weaponry is hard to mess up.
Yeah, so there's a girl with a gun and a sword whose name is Babydoll wearing a schoolgirl outfit in front of a snowy Asian temple and a girl named Sweat Pea who is wearing murder-stockings and holding a sword in front of a dragon. If you tell me that this movie is going to suck, I'm going to play a game called "Find Your Spleen" in which I will find your spleen. There are other character posters up all over the internet, but these are my favorites. I would put them all here, but I'm a busy guy, okay? I cannot wait to see more about this movie, but don't take my word on it. Take it away Mel Gibson, professional weatherman who describes Comic-con news.

Mel: This movie is like a hot front moving in, and I'm not talking about increased humidity, I'm talking hot like the fires of hell that I am destined to burn in for things I have said about virtually every race on the planet. Sugar tits. Freeeeeeeeeeeedoooooooom!!! Flibbledee floooo!!!!

2.) Unlike the stories circulating about my skin condition, the Internet gets one right! - Turns out, as we have suspected...NAY foretold in detail for what seems like eons now, Joss Whedon is directing The Avengers. Right now, many of you are saying "so what, I already knew that" or "tell me something I don't know" or "this Ryan fellow is one charming and entertaining character, and I, Natalie Portman, should send him some of my underpants." Even though this was not a surprise, it is relatively good news, with the relatively being the caveat that this man hasn't directed anything of this size or scope before and the best actor he's worked with to this point is arguably Neil Patrick Harris who, while good, has been in 2 Harold and Kumar movies. Ah, don't worry fanboys and fangirls, I'm just bustin' your chops a bit. It's going to be fine, right? What do you think racist, hate-filled weather personality Mel Gibson?

Mel: This news is falling like a cool rain, building up a giant pool of water that black people can't swim in because that's an unfounded stereotype that I believe in because I'm the byproduct of God's bowel movement. Fargledee flibbit! Someone get me a Fosters!

3.) As in, the same one that Eddie Murphy did? - Disney just remade The Haunted Mansion a few years ago. Now they're getting all Jedi mind trick on us and saying "that never happened." Look, how you are going to convince all 7 people who saw that movie that they didn't see what they saw is beyond me, but hiring Guillermo Del Toro is a good start. Everyone freaked yesterday and started twittering and tweeting and cyberspazzing about GDT directing the movie and asking questions like "does this seem like a good career move?" Let's get something straight, directing ANY movie that you can make decent is a good career move. Making bigoted, awful remarks while threatening your ex-wife's life, that's a bad career move. Del Toro is not directing. Del Toro is just producing, and while I don't care at all about the sanctity of Disney's ride or movie involving said spiritually inhabited residence, it's at least worth mentioning. I don't know, what do you think worst human being in the world who has become a weather guy?

Mel: There's a storm front moving in behind this one. A dark storm cloud likely to rain on people's backs, making them wet. Get it! Because I hate Hispanic people for no reason as well, because I'm just that horrible and were the earth to swallow me, it would be totally expected. Bargledy boo! Jesus beatings and making out with Jodie Foster rule!!!!

4.) Muppets and Pixar together for...I can't breathe...too...excited..to...breathe.. - They are using Pixar over at Disney like a staff mechanic, calling in the big boys of box office and storytelling to fix broken parts left and right. First was the Pixar staff pitching in to help fix Tron Legacy, then comes news that they are meeting with the people behind the new Muppet movie. Folks, I live in a world where there is not only going to BE a new Muppet movie, but the best studio in the world is going to help make it great. I know they're not solely responsible for it, but it can't help to be asking the best people in the biz at this sort of stuff to pitch in. In the name of Kermit, I bless this decision. I cannot put into words how unbearably excited this makes me, so I'd better allow the human vermin that is Mel "the weatherman" Gibson get to it.

Mel: This is like a hurricane! A big giant hurricane that there's no escape from. I call it "Hurricane Jew." Speaking of the Jewish people, if one of them were to shank me in the stomach with a homemade shiv, it would be totally excusable in both a court of law and of public opinion. Swizzledy dee!!!! I made out with a Mayan chick while filming Apocalypto!!!

5.) Something from Green Lantern that doesn't suck ass - I've been, shall we say underwhelmed by the images from GL so far. Mostly because they're awful. Well, good news, I like this:
This is a full-scale prop of the dead Abin-Sur, the alien who gives Hal Jordan his ring before he dies. As you can see, Abin died because he had his skin removed before someone decided to wrap him in a green tortilla that only covered his no-no. Seriously, this looks great, and it's the sort of thing that gives me a degree of hope for the film. Because it's real, they don't have to use their CG guy, who apparently failed community college. I'm pumped because I like something from the flick, so YAY! Let's wrap up this excitement by talking to the worthless piece of excrement shaped to look like a person, weatherman Mel Gibson everybody!

Mel: This item is like a bright, summer day with the perfect temperature. Only it's pink, and girls like pink, and girls are inferior to men because men rule over them! Women are stupid and...what's that? It appears to be a small demon creature shaking his head at me and pointing. Now there's a lot of them. Oh, God, where are they taking me?! Giggilty gooooooo!!!! They can take my life, but they can also take my eternal freeeeeedoooooomm!!!!

That's it for today's news.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

How is it Thursday already? I can hear you now: "It's Thursday because yesterday was Wednesday. A-duh. Didn't your mother ever teach you how to use a calendar? You must be kind of stupid, Ryan." Well, call me old fashioned, but I still believe that telling time is a sin, so I hope all you fancy clockwatching daycounters enjoy your time in hell. Here's what I do know. I know that Thursdays are the days we look at my junk. No, not like a trip to the "special doctor's office." By my "junk" I mean movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own blog post. We begin each week by looking at the creepy image of a junk drawer that was captured from the nightmare of a child and reprinted in Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN). We select one item from above and make a wacky story about it, because doing so amuses me (and probably no one else). Today's item is the green and red thing in the lower right corner. On the one hand, when Carlos invented the world's first pancreas grown entirely from algae, he was elated. It meant that all those years combining peg fetuses with swamp water wasn't just wasted time. On the other hand, if it could be transplanted into a human, it would likely mean that his mother-in-law would live. Carlos did what anyone would do: He put the pulsating green human/plant organ back into his junk drawer, never to mention his accomplishment to anyone.

Okay, enough weirdness, we have a great show for you tonight, Jay-Z is here, so stick around and we'll be right back.

Here are the top five minor news stories right now:

1.) Muppets + "Lost" = (Sound of Ryan's head popping like a Capri Sun that's improperly poked with a straw) - So...by now you know all about my "Muppet boner," which is maybe the most disgusting and inappropriate way to mention how much I adore the fuzzy creations of Jim Henson that are part nightmare and part pure joy. You also know that my passion for "Lost" may exceed my passion for 99% of humans on this big blue ball. Well if you combine the two, you pretty much just guaranteed I'm not going to get much else done. What you see before you is the merging of two worlds that I can only hope continues. I can only hope that next week I'm showing you a video of Spider-man's guest appearance on "Community" or Evangeline Lilly's surprise cameo in my house. It's rare that things I love merge, so look upon this union of things that are awesome and rejoice.



2.) Mark Millar: Professional Bullshitter - If Mark Millar ever tires of writing comics, he can successfully enter the world of politics, having told yet another in a series of lies that are designed to make him look good. He's like a guy trying to pick up a girl at a bar by telling her he's an astronaut...only it's never closing time and he'll sleep with ANYONE. A recent press release,
which you can see at Forces of Geek, states that Kick Ass 2: Balls to the Wall is going to start filming in 2011 for a 2012 release. Sigh, I don't know why I even acknowledge this, but let's quickly deconstruct this so I can go back to thinking about Muppets. (1) - Matthew Vaughn, director of the very incredible Kick Ass, just signed to direct a movie within the next year called X-Men First Class. He's going to be a little busy into 2011. (2) - Christopher Mintz-Plasse, McLovin', is pivotal to the second film (if you've seen the first, you know why). His official Twitter count basically said that Millar is spewing bullshit....again. (3) - Even though I loved the movie, as clear a sign that I can separate the art from the artist if I've ever done it, it wasn't a huge hit. It was a modest hit. I'm guessing if it does well in DVD/Blu-Ray sales, that will be taken into consideration. Plus, I'm guessing you can do the sequel pretty cheap. I don't doubt everyone is INTERESTED in doing this, but it isn't a sure thing yet. In other words, sell your booze-laced, cologne-infused pick-up lines for some other floozy, Millar. This one's not biting.

3.) Dark Tower is finally coming! Booooooo - Even though people have wanted to see Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series is among the most beloved of the author's works, not one of them should be happy about the news that a movie is finally happening. Why? Because the people who now own the rights are Brian Grazer...and Ron Howard. Howard, who has been sliding from mediocrity to outright hackitude for a decade now, is talking about making a movie that would lead into a TV show. In the right hands, I'd say "this is how the material should be handled." In Howard's hand, I say "ruh-roh, Raggy." You just know he's going to invite crapmaster Akiva Goldsman in to write the thing. His writing is so wretched, so irredeemably awful that we'd be best lighting our minds on fire as an alternative to watching something he wrote. Let's just agree to read some books and pretend that this bit of news never happened, mkay?

4.) Emma Stone all the time - News regarding Emma Stone has been coming fast and furious lately. Good. Ever since I saw her in Superbad I knew she would be superhuge. She's got this great gravel voice, kind of looks like an anime girl would look in real life (seriously, her eyes are half of her face), and she has a personality that, goshdurnit, is just infectious.

It's funny that this next bit of news pairs her with Catherine Keener, who has a lot of those same traits (other than the whole anime thing). Keener is, to me, the actress almost all young starlets should pattern their career after. She makes big hits, little indie gems, and is always awesome. The two of them are not going to appear in a film together. But they've both agreed to voice characters in The Croods, another Dreamworks animated film. Unlike some of the other minor works from the studio, this caveman comedy is based on a screenplay in part developed by John Cleese, who white people know from Monty Python (in one of the funniest conversations I've ever heard, a non-white friend of mine mentioned that any time a white dude said something that made another white dude laugh but my friend couldn't understand why, it was always a Monty Python reference). Nicholas Cage and Ryan Reynolds are also voices in there, but Stone's voice will stand out. She's got a perfect voice for such things. Love.

5.) Trailers, Parked - We've got a raunchy killer, a cool killer, and a killer tire for you this week.

First up...what has been dubbed the "illegal" Machete trailer. You remember that this is the movie that sprang from Grindhouse's fake trailer. It has a ton of people in it that are moderately famous (and DeNiro, who just used to be famous), and has a story that gives the middle finger to Arizona's immigration practices before they were even real. Wrap your mind grapes around that one. This one has naughty language in it, but if you're clicking on the trailer for a movie called Machete, you had to kind of figure, right?



George Clooney as an assassin? I could explain The American more than that, but I don't think I have to. Here's the trailer.


This is a movie about a killer tire with mental powers. It's called Rubber and it will now be your new obsession. Yes it's real. Yes it's a killer tire. Enjoy, America.



Okay, that's it for my weekly junk. You can now feel free to move about the cabin.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Somehow we managed to once more stave off the apocalypse and reach Thursday. You may be thinking, "But Ryan, Thursday isn't Friday, and everybody knows Fridays are the best. There's no restaurant called 'Thank God It's Thursday (TGIT).' What's so special about Thursdays, doofus?" Well, for starters, I think TGIT sounds dirty, so you're a pervert. Second, Thursdays have the highest number of quality TV shows. As evident by this:

Third, it's the day you get to see my junk. Oh yeah, that's right baby. You get to see all of my junk. And of course by junk I mean movie tidbits that didn't warrant their own post (again, what were you thinking, pervert?). Before we peek in MY junk drawer, we always begin by taking a look at the creepy-ass illustration of the junk drawer above (taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN) and pick one item from said image to make up a backstory about. Today's item is the pink square in the upper left corner between the thread and the coin. Magdelena's husband, a total asshole, had collected stamps his whole life. In fact, it was the only thing he enjoyed doing besides acting like a total dillweed. When he wasn't singing karaoke Miley Cyrus songs, watching Twilight movies, or misusing the word literally, this douchebag loved nothing more than finding certain stamps. Too sweet to ever directly confront her clownshoes husband, Magdelena did the only thing she could do: She spent her life savings and purchased the rarest stamp in all of creation, the 1920s-era "Why would we worry, everything is going to be great economically forever" stamp. She then took the only stamp her husband needed to finish his collection and hid it in her junk drawer. One day...one day soon, she will present it in front of him, and use it to send in her fan letter to Boy George. Suck on that, tool!

Okay, enough of the nonsense, let's get to the amusing and entertaining junk!

1.) If the muppets make something, I post it - Of the few dictums that guide my life, this one is the easiest: I'm going to watch whatever the muppets do and probably try to force you to do the same. It's the reason God put me on this earth. We have two muppety nuggets of goodness this week, both are related to the phenomenal "Bohemian Rhapsody" cover my fuzzy, permanently sodomized friends did a few months back. The first video is Animal calling his "mama" to let her know that their video got a Webby nomination. Webbys are like Emmys, only nobody cares about them. So....they're exactly like Emmys.


This second video is the actual Bohemian Rhapsody cover...with Kermit's commentary. If you thought it couldn't get better, you were wrong.

Expect my nonstop muppet love to only increase as their next feature film gets closer to reality. You've been warned.

2.) The only Twilight movie that interests me gets a director - As we've discussed here many times, even wretched things can have some interesting facet. From the creepy guy who sits in the back of class mumbling what sounds like demonic incantations (but who does really great drawings of puppies) to the girl whose laugh sounds like she ingested a water buffalo (but can rebuild a car engine with her eyes closed inside of five seconds), there can be a nugget of wonderful in everyone and everything. What I'm saying is, I'm going to get excited for Breaking Dawn, the final movie (or movies, nobody is clear on that yet) of the Twilight torture. Again, this is not because it's going to be good. It can't be. It's because I cannot wait to see how they're going to do some of the hallucinogenic, batshit insane sequences that I'm told are in the book on the big screen. The best part is, most of these wacky shenanigans are tied directly to huge plot events, so you can't really not do them. Seriously people, if these things are weird enough to make me WANT to see one of these godforsaken movies, you know they have to be WEEEEEIIIIIRRRRD. The news is this: According to EW, Bill Condon is going to direct Breaking Dawn. Condon did Dreamgirls (meh) and Gods and Monsters (YAY!) and is generally seen as a good director that people respect. Sorry, he WAS generally seen as a good director that people respect. Now he's the guy who sold out for Twilight. Don't let that get you down, Bill! You just get to making the craziest thing that I've ever heard presented to teenagers!

3.) Magic 8-Ball finally gets its day in the sun - The craze over boardgames-turned-movies defies logic and good taste. And it's only getting worse. Battleship, Ouija, and Monopoly are all happening, really happening. Over at Vulture, the news gets worse: The Magic 8-Ball is going to get a movie. There is literally no way in which this can be made into something entertaining. I don't care if you resurrect Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kubrick to team up with one another. Okay, I care and would totally watch that, but those guys are dead and you're no necromancer. Thus, the chances of this being anything other than a crime against humanity are slight at best. You know what I'd do? I'd make this Sandra Bullock's comeback project. It seems like she was following its advice anyway when she chose to marry the homophobic neo-nazi who bangs bags of silicon with people attached to them. Plus, I'm pretty sure her manager has been a Magic 8 Ball this whole time. It just got lucky with The Blind Side.

4.) The best team up since Spider-man/Man-thing - Vulture has some better news though. They say that JJ Abrams is teaming up with Steven Spielberg. Wow. That's really crazy good news! Abrams is primed to be the Spielberg of this generation, I feel, delivering mass crowd pleasers with true skill and heart. Supposedly, Abrams is teasing that his new secret project is going to be a collaboration with Spielberg and is very reminiscent of Stevie's projects from the 80s and 90s (please don't mean Hook, please don't mean Hook). Someone has also described it as "the anti-Avatar," which I can only assume means it will have an original script and not be directed by someone who is investing vast resources in cloning himself for the purposes of making out with it. More on this exciting movie pairing as it becomes available.

5.) Trailers, parked - We've got horses, horror, and horrible acting this week. Wowza!

First up is Secretariat, a movie my wife wants to see so bad she was almost late for work watching this. It's basically Seabiscuit 2, but I'm good with that. What? I like feel-good stories, and John Malkovich is in it.



If campy is more your thing, check out Piranha 3D. The franchise gave birth to Jim Cameron, and this somehow feels kind of fun. I'm sure it's going to fall short of the entertainment it could provide, but if it gets close, I'm going to love it.


Finally, it must be done: Here's the Twilight Eclipse trailer. Mind you, they can't show you all of the film BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL DOING RESHOOTS. That's not a good sign. Then again, what did y'all expect. It's more of the same. Again, all of this only serves to set up the insanity of the final chapter. You have no idea.


That's my junk for this week. Back atcha tomorrow for Friday, yo.

I would do the same thing, Jason Segal

If I were hired to write the new Muppet Movie, I would make one thing clear: Only one human is capable of playing the character I'm about to write and that's me, baby. How could you possibly pass on your chance to play with the Muppets in person? Oh, sure, writing them is awesome, but I want to be punched by Miss Piggy, warble with Beeker, and run from Animal. Heat Vision is reporting that Jason Segal, writer of the upcoming Greatest Muppet Movie Ever Made, is no dummy. He just got cast as the lead. As for the script, Slashfilm spilled more than I've heard before with the following:

"Segel’s role is as human Gary, a chap whose best friend is the puppet bear Walter. Together they go on a journey with Gary’s girlfriend Mary to defeat the evil Tex Richman, a man who doesn’t find the Muppets funny and thinks he can smell oil beneath their studio. There are plenty of celebrity cameos written into the script (please, Sean Penn, say yes) and a great showcase piece each for most of my favorite Muppets."

I think I just peed a little. Sean Penn? That's just...inspired. I'm so full of joy at this moment I think I'm ready to run around and wave my arms around like a Muppet myself. Now here's Gonzo and some chickens just for fun.

Bobin to the Muppets

When it comes to opening theme songs, there's "The Muppet Show" and then there's everybody else.

Wow. Quasi-orgasmic. That just got me excited for John Cleese. JOHN CLEESE. No one has been excited for John Cleese in almost 2 decades, so that's impressive. I'm seriously contemplating some adaptation of this for my funeral. Anyhoodle, the news associated with this post is that Vulture is reporting the co-creator of "Flight of the Concords," James Bobin, has been offered the right of first refusal on directing the upcoming, Jason Segal-scripted, big-screen Muppet return. I don't yet know what comical misadventures our fuzzy friends will be engaged in, but I do know that I am so stupid excited for this that I am practically meeping like Beeker. Bobin has a relationship with Judd Apatow, as does Segal, which bodes well for the type of comedy we'll be getting. Then again, that was kind of to be expected given the nostalgia factor expressed by Segal in almost every interview. I don't think the studio realizes what kind of phenomenon they can have on their hands if they play things right. Between people from my age group (let's call that the 25+ group...just to be living in denial) and the market for children (the flippin' Squeakquel did north of 200 milly), this could be a well-timed cultural supernova. Watch out Avatar! I'm sicking Gonzo on your ass!

More Muppets is more better

After my wife and I watched The Muppets Christmas Carol a few days ago, I decided that the absence of the felt-covered hands from our popular culture is downright inexcusable. They have so much to teach us. So. Much. To. Teach. Us. Not only are the frakkin' adorable, but they are hilarious in all the right ways. So, when I saw today that there's a new viral Muppet video out there, it became my solemn duty to expose it to the world.



Although not as insanely uproarious as the Queen music video, this one is substantially more full of Christmas goodness and focuses on about 4 of my top 5 favorite Muppets (Stadler, Waldorf, Beeker, and Animal). Good people, it is our duty to restore these creatures to their rightful place at the right hand of popular culture. We must not dilly dally whilst their genius remains deterred. Shout it from the rooftops, yell it from the hills....THE MUPPETS HAVE RETURNED TO SAVE US ALL!

Ryan's Junk Drawer is EARLY!

Dear junk junkies,

I was confronted with two awful choices this week. (1) Forgo my junk drawer column altogether (stop your weeping sweet, sweet simpleton, you can see that I chose otherwise) or (2) bump it up a day and risk damaging my OCD and rigid commitment to keep things on a precise schedule (so, you're saying that everybody else doesn't schedule when to go to the bathroom for their doozies of a twosies). For you, who are titilated by tidbits. For you, who are satisfied by speculation. For you, who somehow find this whole schtick funny. I will once more pull out my junk...out of the metaphorical movie news drawer. As is tradition, today's item from the creepy image from "Highlights" magazine above is the glowing bright white light in the middle. It is now painfully obvious that whoever this man is, he has caged an angel and kept it in his kitchen drawer.

Now, on to the Thanksgiving week news-that-is-to-small-to-be-big-news. My drawer is (ahem) STUFFED to the gills today.

1.) Brilliance, Muppet parody be thy name - By now you all know about my Muppet lust. I find them genius, and I find that genius to be impossible to explain. Thankfully, instead of articulating why they fill my heart with more joy than a kid with a pony, I can just show you so you can feel it yourself. This circulated across the interwebs yesterday and is nothing if not true art distilled into tiny pieces of felt and rubber covering the hands of men and women making funny voices. If this doesn't make you smile, you should be arrested for being a doo-doo head (and the sentence is watching this video until you DO smile).



2.) One of the scariest movies ever just got scarier - I was on the fence over whether I wanted to read "Under the Dome," which (A) sounds like the Juggernaut's autobiography (props to all comic nerds who just giggled) and (B) sounds like a rehash of The Simpson's movie and "The Stand." Then Devin from Chud starting tweeting about how fun it was (despite being like "The Stand"), so now I'm on the fence. What I'm not on the fence about, is King's suggestion for an upcoming book...which I heard about from Slashfilm who heard it from Torontoist. Steven King is thinking about making a sequel to "The Shining" called "Doctor Sleep." Now, this was said at some sort of mass gathering, so if he actually was literally speaking from his butt, we'll have Youtube proof soon enough. But it doesn't sound like it. King explained a fair amount of detail (Danny is all grown up and now helps people who are about to pass on to the other side with his voodoo powers) and expressed a rather strong desire to do it. I think Peter from Slashfilm got it about right. Why use the character of Danny for that (shit) idea? If you want to make a new book about your characters, I'm cool with that. Totally your call. But do not sell the movie rights, because just like Peter joked, we'll end up with Brett Rattner on The Shining 2. You know it. God, even worse, it would be someone like Eli Roth because he's a horror "maestro" and knows Quentin Tarantino, who has juice in that town baby. This post is too long.

3.) In lieu of a whole "Things You Should Buy Me" column... - It would be wrong of me not to mention that Amazon.com in particular (but many places in general) are doing some amazing sales online right now. Most notably, Blu-Ray players are going for dirt cheap...including this one from LG (a good brand), which is the deal of the day at less than $100 bones (okay, so it's 99, but that's less than 100).

Okay, fine, here's two more things to get me (which would have appeared in "Things You Should Buy Me"). First, everybody knows that lasagna is (with no apologies to Sean Hannity) the greatest, best thing God ever gave man on the face of the earth. And the best part of the lasagna? If you didn't say the edges (where the noodles actually do their best to stay together) you don't know squat. So, here's a pan from Thinkgeek.com (how great are they, they even cook) that keeps your stuff together, yo.

That's straight-up, mad genius, yo. Also, you should keep your eye on Tee-Fury, who make a T-shirt available for one day only and then it's gone forever. How great is that? No legion of D-Bags walking around with your sweet, sweet T-shirt. I missed this one:

But I will keep vigilant on this site...which is also hilariously written. Check it out. Wow, I just did a column within a column...I'm so meta.

4.) A spiritual sequel to the 90s-era slacker movies? YESPLEASE - I loved Noah Baumbach's Kicking and Screaming so very, very much that it would likely make the mythical "list of 10" that everyone wants me to make one day. Greenberg feels like a spiritual sequel to that, and a kind of bookend to the slacker films of the 90s that pretty much defined my whole generation. That's pretty impressive. More impressive still? It features what appears to be a reserved Ben Stiller performance with no monkeys or nut shots. Huzzah!



5.) Judge away, I think this looks fun - John Lasseter of Pixar fame produced this straight-to-TV CGI Christmas show, which looks to be the first one in years that will make me smile. Remember how great those Christmas shows were from our youth (from Rudolph to Charlie Brown)? Of course you do BECAUSE THEY STILL SHOW THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T MADE ANYTHING GOOD LIKE THEM IN 20 YEARS. Here's the first one that has a chance. I will love it. Judge away.



Whew, told you it was epic today. Just a quick thanks (since I'm supposed to do such things on weeks like this one). I love doing this so very much. Even when outside forces make it difficult to just enjoy the community that develops around writing about entertainment like this, it's nice to have you silent readers out there. Thanks.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

I really don't know how I'm going to top yesterday's blog post (right down there) with a faux Megan Fox using the phrase "open dumpage," but I'll throw a bunch of items from this old junk drawer here at it. This week has seemed pretty dead for the most part (really, really not a John Hughes joke), and it seems as though everyone is dragging (even the rumor mongers). So, bear down Chicago Bears, I'm going to stretch these bits of tid as far as I can.

1.) John Hughes is dead and nobody younger than 28 cares - What's sad is that the man so deeply understood what it meant to be a teenager in ANY generation, and yet was relegated to the 80s. He wasn't about pop culture references or social commentary so much as he was focused on delving into the emotional turmoil that teens felt, arguing that it was a good thing (reiterated by the clip that all TV segments have been playing for his death, where Ally Sheedy says "when you grow up, your heart dies"). He got how, well, how f*#ked up being a teen was (noting that at that age, feeling sad was as cool as feeling happy...how true). Everybody over 27 has a favorite Hughes movie, mine is probably Ferris Bueller, but you could make a case for a few others. What's sad is that, as Bryan Lynch pointed out on Twitter, his most recent work included Curly Sue and three Bethooven movies. So, long story short, John Hughes died and it sucks.

2.) Just because I'm excited for Mission Impossible 4 doesn't make me an asshole - Variety is reporting that Josh Applebaum and Andrew Nemec, a couple of guys who worked on the underrated "Alias," are hard at work on the next installment of the MI series and yeah, jerks, I'm excited. Look, the third one kicked ass and played like a big-budget, bad-ass version of "Alias." It had everything that I want in a spy/action film (including Simon Pegg), so I don't get where the bashing of the series is coming from (other than from people who still think Tom Cruise deserves it...I've decided that 5 years of public verbal whippings is enough, personally). So, yeah, I am excited gosh-darn-it, and I hope that JJ Abrams directs it (even though he won't) and if he doesn't I hope he uses his clout to let "Lost" vet and "Alias" helmer Jack Bender take a crack at it. Don't photoshop a "Team Tom" shirt on me, but I've got my fingers crossed on this one.

3.) "Fraggle Rock" was terrifying, and if you don't agree, you're a monster - If you have been wondering why we haven't gotten a "Fraggle Rock" movie yet, (A) you're a sick bastard and (B) we're going to. According to MTV, Brian Henson (son of the muppets, not the former "Talk Soup" host) is moving forward on the Fraggle front and plans to ramp up the music numbers (oh, goodie, my sleepless nights thank you). He also declares the Dark Crystal sequel still alive, which is the one thing more freaky than the thought of a "Fraggle Rock" movie. Oh, I love muppets, don't get me wrong, but those bizarre humanoids in Dark Crystal and the talking trash heap in "Fraggle Rock" are what I would flash to if I were to use poorly cut acid. So, rejoice sickos, you're about to get two helpings of crazy shit. Oh, and visual proof of terror (the ACTUAL image they ran on the MTV blog, from Dark Crystal)



Yeah, sleep now, jerks.

4.) This one is for my best friends in Chicago, nobody else will care - I mean, I suppose it's possible that one or two of you out there have a sick fascination with Thomas Pynchon like my friends Andrew and Jess, but I doubt it. The dude is a recluse that vomits pretty words of nonsense onto paper and people go apeshit for his stuff. According to Slashfilm.com, who got it from The Playlist, who noticed an interesting line in the Wall Street Journal’s piece about Pynchon's new novel "Inherent Vice:" “The Creative Artists Agency in Los Angeles is handling film rights.” Huhbuhwha?! I mean, for reals? Somebody is going to try to adapt that? How does one even BEGIN to adapt a Pynchon novel (without the benefit of serious antipsychotic medication). I mean...good luck to whoever tries but let's face it, it ain't gonna happen.

5.) It's VoD Day (victory over douches)! - Although I have a friend who knew this information weeks ago and failed to pass it along (harumpf), Ben Lyons and Ben Mankiewicz are no longer TV stars. The douchey duo are out at "At the Movies," which is a good thing. The only bad thing is that there are no plans to bring back Ebert at all (you will one day be judged in hell for this, producers). The new duo is AO (Tony) Scott of the The New York Times and Miuchael Phillips of the The Chicago Tribune (neither one really does anything for me...I mean it, I've asked). They still can't use "thumbs" to review things, as Ebert and Siskel wisely patented that, but rest assured they will find some insipid, pithy way of summarizing their feelings. My feeling: BRING BACK EBERT! Hell, bring him back as some kind of host, just bring him back. "At the Movies" without Ebert is like showering in high-school gym class without shame, it just doesn't feel right.

Okay, that's the news we missed this week (wasn't much, was it), I'll be back with some Haiku box office predictions for you shortly. Until then, try to be productive, the boss is looking.