Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Guess who's back? Back again?

I won't bore you with details. Blogger made some changes, yadda yadda yadda, my blog got yanked into the void of entropy and nothingness that usually accompanies minor technological changes. Thankfully, the gang at the Reader rallied around the one living soul who seemed to have a handle on it (go Stephen!), and we're back up and running again. Okay, fine, we're back up and doing that funny-looking, half-run, half-walk thing that old people do in malls where their hands work harder than their legs. Point is, it wasn't my fault, so don't be mad.

Let's get kick started as we are prone to do after we get cyber cock-blocked, with a little recap dance, which is nowhere as fun as the Rerun dance, which I still can't do. This is going to be epic and fast, so grab whatever parts of you that you don't want flopping about, here goes:

1.) May the fourth be with you - Yep, it's Star Wars day, which is sort of like Christmas, only instead of anxiously awaiting the arrival of a fat bearded guy and the presents he brings, we all kind of get pissed at a fat bearded guy for all the poop he delivered recently. Still, you know what's not poop? This original Empire Strikes Back trailer with Harrison Ford doing a cool voiceover. You're welcome, nerds.

2.) Also, people will bitch about the "Lost" finale - In case you were worried, that headline was actually just a joke about the inevitability of certain outcomes...like, say, the fact that Batman 3 got a release date. July 20th 2012, we will all be packed into theaters like sardines waiting for Christian Bale and his "I heart gargling razors" voice inside a full S&M body suit yelling at some ridiculously dressed supervillain in a movie some people will still call "realistic." Yeah, Kick Ass guaranteed I'm never using that word to describe a superhero movie ever again.

3.) Tommy Lee Jones to play gruff guy? No flippin' way!! - "Sources" told UGO that Tommy Lee Jones may be cast in Captain America. It's not for the villain role, which we all know went to Hugo Weaver, which pretty much only leaves Jones playing some kind of general during World War II. I know, shocker. I hope he can dig down and find the range needed to gruffly bark out orders, as that's going to be a real stretch for him. Maybe we're wrong, maybe he's going to play Dum-Dum Dugan, one of the "Howling Commandos" who used to hang around with Nick Fury, back when he was white (this column is filled with inside jokes and nerd moments today, if you don't get them, just keep moving, I promise to do better). Although the Commandos are confirmed in the movie, my guess is that Jones will be playing someone more generic. Here's hoping he gets to tell Chris Evans where to look for the Red Skull...like in every outhouse, dog house, yadda yadda yadda...

4.) Please let Iceman get shivved in the tummy! - Matthew Vaughn was supposed to direct the third X-Men movie. Instead, Brett Ratner did. Awesome switch. It's like the time I was going to eat a steak and instead I became a cannibal. Now Vaughn is getting a do-over, as he's the top choice to direct X-Men: First Class, which is kind of a do-over of the whole X-Men universe, on account of the rest of the franchise getting Ratner-ed. We're going to get Iceman, Marvel Girl, Cyclops, and more (I'm guessing Wolverine somehow) as they first learn to fight alongside Professor X. Until Vaughn's involvement, I was as turned off by this as I am by Donald Trump in booty shorts. But now...I think this movie just got interesting.

5.) Look upon this image and despair - This is a real person (Hank Azaria) who agreed to look like this:
He's playing Gargamel in The Smurfs, also he'd like to remind you that it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Have fun at the kids movie, children! Hope you enjoy the next few decades of sleepless nights and therapy!

6.) Sylvester Stallone says no more Rambo - Well, to be fair, when he said it, it sounded like "deres no bore Rambode" but you get the idea. This is non-news, but whenever a franchise this terrible dies, a baby kitten is born with the wings of an angel and the tail of a dragon. Pretty cool, huh?

7.) Exactly what in the Zoolander 2 budget is costly? - For the second time in the last few days, Paramount has shown a disregard for earning money. After passing on Anchorman 2 for monetary reasons, the studio has said the budget of Zoolander 2 is too high, so they killed that too. Supposedly, the studio wants the budget under $50 million, even though they know it will make a buttload more than that. Look, I'll say it again, how we live in a world with not one, not two, but three Step Up movies and only one Anchorman and Zoolander movie defies my certainty that the Mayan apocalypse is not coming. Maybe we deserve it?

8.) Just don't let Cube produce it or it will be G-rated - They're finally making an N.W.A. biopic. Sure, it's being written by the gal who wrote the abomination that was World Trade Center (which I STILL can't believe Oliver Stone directed), but at least we'll get a wicked soundtrack. The film, Straight Outta Compton, will likely be mediocre, but if they do that inevitable cover CD well...I'm so going to be pleased. Also, sometimes when I watch Cube do a Disney kids movie and then see Dre doing a Dr. Pepper commercial, I think of writing a movie in which I build a time machine and go back to see these guys during the N.W.A. days and tell them what their lives will be in 2 decades. Then they beat the crap out of me. Deservedly.

9.) Steven Spielberg loves a horse...just not like that - Stevie is going to return to war. This time, World War I...and this time with a horse. Based off a touching book, this a-boy-and-his-horse-in-a-war movie will be Spielberg's next project, despite the billion others he was originally going to do. Supposedly, he's going to get this out really, really fast. This is good news for my wife, who will literally watch any horse movie out there. Seriously. We watched Flicka with Tim McGraw. On purpose.

10.) Ghostbusters III and lying liars - Bill Murray says "Ghostbusters 3 is a myth." Dan Ackroyd says "Look for it in 2011." Iven Reitman says "Look for it in 2012." Once again, there's a reason we like Venkman the best. I believe that the last two think they're telling the truth. I also believe that they think they're the ones we want to see back busting ghosts.

That's my quick catch-up! Not too shabby, if I do say so myself!

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