X-Men: Third pass?

Still a slow news week, so everybody who is rabidly grabbing on to this story (like me) is only doing so to mate two popular themes lately: X-Men and Inception. I haven't been posting casting updates for the new X-Men First Class movie, mostly because there are like 1000 young actors in it that you've never really heard of.
So, just go ahead and assume a bunch of young, hard-bodied, nubile actors and actresses are going to appear in various costumes and skin-revealing circumstances. Now, as far as this bit of news, it's a tiny one: The LA Times is reporting that director Matthew Vaughn (Kick-Ass) saw Inception over the weekend, went home, and promptly ditched 12 pages of script that featured a zero-G style fight that would be too easily compared with the Christopher Nolan masterpiece. Well, good. I mean, I've heard that this script has been passed around like an 8th grade beer, but who cares? The question is, can they get it right? True, the more times a script gets worked, the more it usually feels disjointed and whatnot, but why not try getting it correct? It's not like this is some delicate piece of Renaissance art here. This is a comic-book adaptation. So long as it feels right at the end of the day, I'm fine with it. So there's your non-news news of the day. What? I could have gone with YET ANOTHER "is Catwoman in Batman 3" story. For the record, I'm saying if she is, we're going to see Marion Cotillard in that role. I could die that's such a good idea.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Well howdy, partners. Congratulations on surviving another week. I know that you only held on, white-knuckling the whole way, so that you can get here...to see my junk. It's cool, I'm glad you reached down and found a reason to keep on living, even if it's only to see movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own blog post that I package together and cleverly label with a euphemism that implies you'll see my genitals. To each his or her own, is what I say. Because it's not really stealing if you steal from your own facebook posts (I read that in Miss Manors...wait, nope, I made that up), I will summarize my experience in life lately with this quip: "This week was so bad that if it were a TV show, it would be 'According to Jim.' " So, needless to say, I'm glad we've made it this far.

As you know (I hope) by now, we begin the weekly investigation into my junk drawer by looking at the image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, which I think is terrifying for some reason. What we do is I select one item from the drawing, I make up a creepy story about it, and then I laugh. It amuses me. Today's item is the white smoke in the back of the drawer. What George and Carol didn't realize was that their seemingly innocent junk drawer had become home to the Smurgs, the real-life inspiration for the fictional Smurfs. Until their fictional blue cousins, these red creatures who only wear black shirts and no pants have no affinity for the mushrooms. However, they do rock the ganja pretty consistently, leading to the strange white cloud that contains a smell George and Carol can't quite put their finger on but makes them really hungry.

Okay, time to make the donuts. Here's the movie news that's too itty bitty for it's own post:

1.) If this is true...it's the best thing ever - People drop out of movies all the time. It happens. It's always over "scheduling conflicts." That's a publicist term for "one of the parties involved dropped a douchehammer." It's never scheduling conflicts. Sharlto Copely (District 9) dropped out of DJ Caruso's I Am Number 4 (based on the book by that liar who wrote that drug memoir and made Oprah feel bad) due to "scheduling conflicts." So, what's the truth? This is second-hand information, maybe third or fourth-hand by this point actually, but here's what FilmDrunk heard. Apparently, and this is what their source tells them exactly: Sharlto Copley “wanted to wear a prosthetic nose and fake ears like Spock and look like an alien.” Caruso pointed out that major plot points hinged on these aliens looking like people. Neither would give in, so Copely quit. He quit a major motion picture because he wanted to wear Spock ears. That is so fan-flipping-tastic that I don't even have words for it. There's no way to describe the joy it brings me that in the world we live in, people making millions of dollars will walk away from such money because they believe that their character would be best suited if he had a prosthetic nose. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you America.

2.) Okay, maybe THIS is the best thing ever.... - Variety is reporting that I will not be suffering through quite the Evangeline Lilly withdrawal that I thought. This lass so lovely that I find her attractive picking a wedgie with her tongue out, is apparently going to join the also newly-cast Anthony Mackie (The Hurt Locker) in Real Steel. It's a futuristic robot boxing movie, and yet somehow it already makes more sense to me and sounds more realistic than "Lost." The movie is supposedly a sports movie that just so-happens to involve robots. Hugh Jackman will play an ex-boxer who has a strained relationship with his son; they use the medium of a ridiculous sport to reconnect. Wait, so it's got Evangeline Lilly, fighting robots, and the plot from Over the Top?! This is going to be AWESOME!!!!

3.) But...what do them durn womern know about dem dere comic books? - If you're paying attention, you'll realize that this is sarcasm. Jane Goldman's script for Kick-Ass, which did closely follow the comic book but made some serious deviations at key moments, was arguably my favorite script for a comic book movie ever. Maybe The Dark Knight's was better, but I'm not entirely sure about that, considering a lot of that was in the performance and the whole "Gordan's dead" thing and all of "Two-Face" was weird. So, how do you like them apples: Goldman is reteaming with Matthew Vaughn to write the script for X-Men: First Class (which Vaughn is directing). Goldman also had a hand in Stardust, a terribly underrated gem of a movie. Sadly, Goldman and Vaughn are on a wicked tight schedule...the movie's supposed to come out NEXT YEAR. That's Crazytown, population: THIS FILM. This officially moves my excitement level for this flick from "Well, anything's better than that piss taste Ratner left in our mouths with X-Men 3" to "Someone who showed they know how to write for teenagers writing super-powered teenagers?! Awesome!" I'm more jazzed than the ghost of Bob Fosse.

4.) So, is it pronounced "gay king?" because if so, I'm in - I don't know what a robot Shogun warrior is, but I read a story on Ain’t It Cool News awhile back (that Slashfilm just reminded me of) about Gaiking, which I will pronounce as "Gay King" because I think that rules and there's not enough explicit embracing of the homosexual community by the medium of sci-fi/fantasy despite there being soooo much overlap. Anyway, these dudes were going to make a short film based on this 80s cartoon about robot Shogun warriors (mmm, crazy anime). Anyway, it was going to be included in the updated Heavy Metal movie, but now it's going to be a full film unto itself. Here's a little teaser for what it could look like.

What's apparently cool, is that the film apparently this is more "Voltron" than Transformers, in that as you can see there are human pilots. Supposedly the film has a script and stuff and will be hitting theaters before the Mayan apocalypse in 2012. That'd be swell. You know what's funny? Now that I'm posting this, I honestly don't remember if I already posted it in the past. If I did, just ignore it here. Or enjoy a second go-round with robotic warriors. I don't care. You're not paying for this anyway.

5.) Trailers, Parked - We've got some goodies in the bag this week, including what I think will be one of the biggest launches for one of my favorite hotties. Let's get to it.

I've mentioned that I'm looking forward to Easy A for several reasons, most of them involving aspects of Emma Stone. This trailer is almost totally perfect. I laughed out loud several times, I love the cast, I love the concept, I love everything. It was one Tom Cruise joke and "Poker Face" use away from perfect in my mind. I think this is the next Mean Girls, a smart movie for young ladies that will serve as a launching pad for tons of younger actors. Does it look predictable as far as events go? Yes. Does it have Stanley Tucci defending his daughter's honor by claiming she looks like a high-end stripper "for governors or athletes" Yes.

Easy A

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

The Adjustment Bureau is based on a Philip K Dick short story, so it gets points for that. Also, it gets points for Matt Damon, and I know a few dudes who will totally give a point for Emily Blunt. I think it looks kind of Matrix-y and Inception-y, which is not by any means an insult. Hell, it reminds me most of Dark City, and I think that may be my favorite underrated sci-fi film ever. Give it a watch.


Finally, I ain't gonna lie...I have no idea about Detective Dee. It's a Hong Kong movie that Slashfilm recommended seeing the trailer for. I don't know what they're saying, I don't know what's happening, I don't know anything about. Now, I kind of want to see it. Visuals look goooood huh? Also, it looks weird. I like weird.



Okay, that's it. Now, be good to one another. I'll see you tomorrow!

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Guess who's back? Back again?

I won't bore you with details. Blogger made some changes, yadda yadda yadda, my blog got yanked into the void of entropy and nothingness that usually accompanies minor technological changes. Thankfully, the gang at the Reader rallied around the one living soul who seemed to have a handle on it (go Stephen!), and we're back up and running again. Okay, fine, we're back up and doing that funny-looking, half-run, half-walk thing that old people do in malls where their hands work harder than their legs. Point is, it wasn't my fault, so don't be mad.

Let's get kick started as we are prone to do after we get cyber cock-blocked, with a little recap dance, which is nowhere as fun as the Rerun dance, which I still can't do. This is going to be epic and fast, so grab whatever parts of you that you don't want flopping about, here goes:

1.) May the fourth be with you - Yep, it's Star Wars day, which is sort of like Christmas, only instead of anxiously awaiting the arrival of a fat bearded guy and the presents he brings, we all kind of get pissed at a fat bearded guy for all the poop he delivered recently. Still, you know what's not poop? This original Empire Strikes Back trailer with Harrison Ford doing a cool voiceover. You're welcome, nerds.



2.) Also, people will bitch about the "Lost" finale - In case you were worried, that headline was actually just a joke about the inevitability of certain outcomes...like, say, the fact that Batman 3 got a release date. July 20th 2012, we will all be packed into theaters like sardines waiting for Christian Bale and his "I heart gargling razors" voice inside a full S&M body suit yelling at some ridiculously dressed supervillain in a movie some people will still call "realistic." Yeah, Kick Ass guaranteed I'm never using that word to describe a superhero movie ever again.

3.) Tommy Lee Jones to play gruff guy? No flippin' way!! - "Sources" told UGO that Tommy Lee Jones may be cast in Captain America. It's not for the villain role, which we all know went to Hugo Weaver, which pretty much only leaves Jones playing some kind of general during World War II. I know, shocker. I hope he can dig down and find the range needed to gruffly bark out orders, as that's going to be a real stretch for him. Maybe we're wrong, maybe he's going to play Dum-Dum Dugan, one of the "Howling Commandos" who used to hang around with Nick Fury, back when he was white (this column is filled with inside jokes and nerd moments today, if you don't get them, just keep moving, I promise to do better). Although the Commandos are confirmed in the movie, my guess is that Jones will be playing someone more generic. Here's hoping he gets to tell Chris Evans where to look for the Red Skull...like in every outhouse, dog house, yadda yadda yadda...

4.) Please let Iceman get shivved in the tummy! - Matthew Vaughn was supposed to direct the third X-Men movie. Instead, Brett Ratner did. Awesome switch. It's like the time I was going to eat a steak and instead I became a cannibal. Now Vaughn is getting a do-over, as he's the top choice to direct X-Men: First Class, which is kind of a do-over of the whole X-Men universe, on account of the rest of the franchise getting Ratner-ed. We're going to get Iceman, Marvel Girl, Cyclops, and more (I'm guessing Wolverine somehow) as they first learn to fight alongside Professor X. Until Vaughn's involvement, I was as turned off by this as I am by Donald Trump in booty shorts. But now...I think this movie just got interesting.

5.) Look upon this image and despair - This is a real person (Hank Azaria) who agreed to look like this:
He's playing Gargamel in The Smurfs, also he'd like to remind you that it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Have fun at the kids movie, children! Hope you enjoy the next few decades of sleepless nights and therapy!

6.) Sylvester Stallone says no more Rambo - Well, to be fair, when he said it, it sounded like "deres no bore Rambode" but you get the idea. This is non-news, but whenever a franchise this terrible dies, a baby kitten is born with the wings of an angel and the tail of a dragon. Pretty cool, huh?

7.) Exactly what in the Zoolander 2 budget is costly? - For the second time in the last few days, Paramount has shown a disregard for earning money. After passing on Anchorman 2 for monetary reasons, the studio has said the budget of Zoolander 2 is too high, so they killed that too. Supposedly, the studio wants the budget under $50 million, even though they know it will make a buttload more than that. Look, I'll say it again, how we live in a world with not one, not two, but three Step Up movies and only one Anchorman and Zoolander movie defies my certainty that the Mayan apocalypse is not coming. Maybe we deserve it?

8.) Just don't let Cube produce it or it will be G-rated - They're finally making an N.W.A. biopic. Sure, it's being written by the gal who wrote the abomination that was World Trade Center (which I STILL can't believe Oliver Stone directed), but at least we'll get a wicked soundtrack. The film, Straight Outta Compton, will likely be mediocre, but if they do that inevitable cover CD well...I'm so going to be pleased. Also, sometimes when I watch Cube do a Disney kids movie and then see Dre doing a Dr. Pepper commercial, I think of writing a movie in which I build a time machine and go back to see these guys during the N.W.A. days and tell them what their lives will be in 2 decades. Then they beat the crap out of me. Deservedly.

9.) Steven Spielberg loves a horse...just not like that - Stevie is going to return to war. This time, World War I...and this time with a horse. Based off a touching book, this a-boy-and-his-horse-in-a-war movie will be Spielberg's next project, despite the billion others he was originally going to do. Supposedly, he's going to get this out really, really fast. This is good news for my wife, who will literally watch any horse movie out there. Seriously. We watched Flicka with Tim McGraw. On purpose.

10.) Ghostbusters III and lying liars - Bill Murray says "Ghostbusters 3 is a myth." Dan Ackroyd says "Look for it in 2011." Iven Reitman says "Look for it in 2012." Once again, there's a reason we like Venkman the best. I believe that the last two think they're telling the truth. I also believe that they think they're the ones we want to see back busting ghosts.

That's my quick catch-up! Not too shabby, if I do say so myself!