Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I want to apologize

I've been doing this for a long time now, in fact, Friday is the 2 year anniversary of this blog. Yeah, I just squeezed some thought juice out of your mind grapes with that one, didn't I? Also, because even God is apparently a reader of this site, somehow my 1,000 post is going to pretty much line-up directly with that day in what can only be a symbol of direct divine intervention. Rad, huh? We'll get all whimsical and self-reflective that day, perhaps starting with some kind of explanation why I always say "we" when it's just me writing this. But the reason I'm nostalgic today is that I need to apologize. Oh, not to you, you'll love me no matter what...right? No, I need to apologize to Natalie Portman.
I've been talking so much about other girls, and I haven't barely made mention of this divine goddess, this diminutive angel, in so long that I believe her feelings are undoubtedly hurt. Nat, baby, I can't go back and undo what I've done, replacing stupid posts about the status of the unfinished Fraggle movie with odes to your every hair fiber. All I can do is find some meaningless bit of information to justify posting to you now. Like, say, a post on Slashfilm that found someone who claims to have seen a screening of Black Swan, the upcoming movie which I am looking forward to because director Darren Aronofsky is one of the best in the game right now, because the story sounds totally trippy (a ballerina begins having murderous delusions), and because you are infinitely talented. Okay, fine, I'm also mildly curious about the rumors that you totally do sexytime with Mila Kunis. There, I said it. The good news is, the random guy on the internet who claims to have seen a super secret screening said "I will say that Natalie Portman has never been better. Man is Natalie Portman good in it, yowzers." If you can't trust the word "yowzers" from a random Internet poster who calls himself "Money B," who can you trust? Point is, my darling, I will not leave you for that long again. I don't care if you never make another movie, I'll do a 8-week retrospective on Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I swear it.

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