It's REAL!

I won't lie, I was beginning to think I made up Black Swan. Why? Oh, I don't know, because one of my favorite directors (Darren Aronofsky) was making a movie in which Natalie Portman has "angry sex" with Mila Kunis. Could that be something my addled mind just invented out of thin air? Yeah, I think so. With each passing week in which I saw no footage from the supposed movie, no pictures from the set, and no phone calls or letters from Nat discussing it with me (what? I said she DIDN'T discuss it with me, which she obviously didn't), I was beginning to suspect they needed to up my dosage of "feel good" medicine. But then came the glorious moment before me right now. Folks, it's real.



I just saw Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis making out. Oh, sure, there's some really creepy music playing and apparently some weird demonic human-sized black swan thingie, but I saw it. I think that Aronofsky finally cracked the code on how to get heterosexual males to be interested in ballet: throw a little Portman on Kunis action in there. If all ballet featured such things, it would outrank the NFL in popularity.

All (most) kidding aside, how good does that movie look? I mean, holy crap was that intense. The gorgeous visuals (most notably those featuring Portman), the haunting music, the bizarre tension, the final shot of a bloody-eyed Natalie plucking a feather from her back...it's all got me more excited than is legally possible. I cannot wait for this one, folks. I cannot wait!

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I want to apologize

I've been doing this for a long time now, in fact, Friday is the 2 year anniversary of this blog. Yeah, I just squeezed some thought juice out of your mind grapes with that one, didn't I? Also, because even God is apparently a reader of this site, somehow my 1,000 post is going to pretty much line-up directly with that day in what can only be a symbol of direct divine intervention. Rad, huh? We'll get all whimsical and self-reflective that day, perhaps starting with some kind of explanation why I always say "we" when it's just me writing this. But the reason I'm nostalgic today is that I need to apologize. Oh, not to you, you'll love me no matter what...right? No, I need to apologize to Natalie Portman.
I've been talking so much about other girls, and I haven't barely made mention of this divine goddess, this diminutive angel, in so long that I believe her feelings are undoubtedly hurt. Nat, baby, I can't go back and undo what I've done, replacing stupid posts about the status of the unfinished Fraggle movie with odes to your every hair fiber. All I can do is find some meaningless bit of information to justify posting to you now. Like, say, a post on Slashfilm that found someone who claims to have seen a screening of Black Swan, the upcoming movie which I am looking forward to because director Darren Aronofsky is one of the best in the game right now, because the story sounds totally trippy (a ballerina begins having murderous delusions), and because you are infinitely talented. Okay, fine, I'm also mildly curious about the rumors that you totally do sexytime with Mila Kunis. There, I said it. The good news is, the random guy on the internet who claims to have seen a super secret screening said "I will say that Natalie Portman has never been better. Man is Natalie Portman good in it, yowzers." If you can't trust the word "yowzers" from a random Internet poster who calls himself "Money B," who can you trust? Point is, my darling, I will not leave you for that long again. I don't care if you never make another movie, I'll do a 8-week retrospective on Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I swear it.

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