Friday, July 23, 2010

Superfuntime Giant Orgy of Comic-con news!!!

The budget of this blog consists of a nickel and a wish, and I spent the wish on that Portman photo below (psst, it was worth it). So I do not have a correspondent down in San Diego for the Comic Convention. Thus I am forced like a bad parent to live vicariously through others. We're gonna do it like this: The news from yesterday will be wrapped up in this one post, the weekend news will be wrapped up in Monday's post. Yes, all this news will be secondhand, but to be fair, it's a bad-ass red right hand. I can't promise you information you won't find anywhere, but can I ask you this: Is any other blog going to give you news of the Comic-con with a summary that consists of doing an impression of the angry, hate-filled doucheasaurus rex that is Mel Gibson if he were a weatherman? I didn't think so. Okay, and just so we're clear on the joke, tapes of Gibson saying the most terrible, awful things ever recorded in the English language have been surfacing recently. Thus, I have decided to mock his evil by turning him from an Oscar winning actor into a lowly weatherman describing my level of excitement about upcoming movie stuff, complete with his brutal racism and a look into his increasingly unstable psyche. Remember, he only wins if we don't laugh at him in his face and don't hope he falls into a Lassie-proof well.

1.) Can I have permission to be excited for Sucker Punch yet? - I have enjoyed both Zack Snyder movies so far, and I think his computer-generated owl movie looks bad-ass. There, I said it. So, really, it's no surprise that I think the first glimpses into Sucker Punch are stunning...and not just because, you know, hot chicks with weaponry is hard to mess up.
Yeah, so there's a girl with a gun and a sword whose name is Babydoll wearing a schoolgirl outfit in front of a snowy Asian temple and a girl named Sweat Pea who is wearing murder-stockings and holding a sword in front of a dragon. If you tell me that this movie is going to suck, I'm going to play a game called "Find Your Spleen" in which I will find your spleen. There are other character posters up all over the internet, but these are my favorites. I would put them all here, but I'm a busy guy, okay? I cannot wait to see more about this movie, but don't take my word on it. Take it away Mel Gibson, professional weatherman who describes Comic-con news.

Mel: This movie is like a hot front moving in, and I'm not talking about increased humidity, I'm talking hot like the fires of hell that I am destined to burn in for things I have said about virtually every race on the planet. Sugar tits. Freeeeeeeeeeeedoooooooom!!! Flibbledee floooo!!!!

2.) Unlike the stories circulating about my skin condition, the Internet gets one right! - Turns out, as we have suspected...NAY foretold in detail for what seems like eons now, Joss Whedon is directing The Avengers. Right now, many of you are saying "so what, I already knew that" or "tell me something I don't know" or "this Ryan fellow is one charming and entertaining character, and I, Natalie Portman, should send him some of my underpants." Even though this was not a surprise, it is relatively good news, with the relatively being the caveat that this man hasn't directed anything of this size or scope before and the best actor he's worked with to this point is arguably Neil Patrick Harris who, while good, has been in 2 Harold and Kumar movies. Ah, don't worry fanboys and fangirls, I'm just bustin' your chops a bit. It's going to be fine, right? What do you think racist, hate-filled weather personality Mel Gibson?

Mel: This news is falling like a cool rain, building up a giant pool of water that black people can't swim in because that's an unfounded stereotype that I believe in because I'm the byproduct of God's bowel movement. Fargledee flibbit! Someone get me a Fosters!

3.) As in, the same one that Eddie Murphy did? - Disney just remade The Haunted Mansion a few years ago. Now they're getting all Jedi mind trick on us and saying "that never happened." Look, how you are going to convince all 7 people who saw that movie that they didn't see what they saw is beyond me, but hiring Guillermo Del Toro is a good start. Everyone freaked yesterday and started twittering and tweeting and cyberspazzing about GDT directing the movie and asking questions like "does this seem like a good career move?" Let's get something straight, directing ANY movie that you can make decent is a good career move. Making bigoted, awful remarks while threatening your ex-wife's life, that's a bad career move. Del Toro is not directing. Del Toro is just producing, and while I don't care at all about the sanctity of Disney's ride or movie involving said spiritually inhabited residence, it's at least worth mentioning. I don't know, what do you think worst human being in the world who has become a weather guy?

Mel: There's a storm front moving in behind this one. A dark storm cloud likely to rain on people's backs, making them wet. Get it! Because I hate Hispanic people for no reason as well, because I'm just that horrible and were the earth to swallow me, it would be totally expected. Bargledy boo! Jesus beatings and making out with Jodie Foster rule!!!!

4.) Muppets and Pixar together for...I can't breathe...too...excited..to...breathe.. - They are using Pixar over at Disney like a staff mechanic, calling in the big boys of box office and storytelling to fix broken parts left and right. First was the Pixar staff pitching in to help fix Tron Legacy, then comes news that they are meeting with the people behind the new Muppet movie. Folks, I live in a world where there is not only going to BE a new Muppet movie, but the best studio in the world is going to help make it great. I know they're not solely responsible for it, but it can't help to be asking the best people in the biz at this sort of stuff to pitch in. In the name of Kermit, I bless this decision. I cannot put into words how unbearably excited this makes me, so I'd better allow the human vermin that is Mel "the weatherman" Gibson get to it.

Mel: This is like a hurricane! A big giant hurricane that there's no escape from. I call it "Hurricane Jew." Speaking of the Jewish people, if one of them were to shank me in the stomach with a homemade shiv, it would be totally excusable in both a court of law and of public opinion. Swizzledy dee!!!! I made out with a Mayan chick while filming Apocalypto!!!

5.) Something from Green Lantern that doesn't suck ass - I've been, shall we say underwhelmed by the images from GL so far. Mostly because they're awful. Well, good news, I like this:
This is a full-scale prop of the dead Abin-Sur, the alien who gives Hal Jordan his ring before he dies. As you can see, Abin died because he had his skin removed before someone decided to wrap him in a green tortilla that only covered his no-no. Seriously, this looks great, and it's the sort of thing that gives me a degree of hope for the film. Because it's real, they don't have to use their CG guy, who apparently failed community college. I'm pumped because I like something from the flick, so YAY! Let's wrap up this excitement by talking to the worthless piece of excrement shaped to look like a person, weatherman Mel Gibson everybody!

Mel: This item is like a bright, summer day with the perfect temperature. Only it's pink, and girls like pink, and girls are inferior to men because men rule over them! Women are stupid and...what's that? It appears to be a small demon creature shaking his head at me and pointing. Now there's a lot of them. Oh, God, where are they taking me?! Giggilty gooooooo!!!! They can take my life, but they can also take my eternal freeeeeedoooooomm!!!!

That's it for today's news.

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