Superfuntime Giant Orgy of Comic-con news!!!

The budget of this blog consists of a nickel and a wish, and I spent the wish on that Portman photo below (psst, it was worth it). So I do not have a correspondent down in San Diego for the Comic Convention. Thus I am forced like a bad parent to live vicariously through others. We're gonna do it like this: The news from yesterday will be wrapped up in this one post, the weekend news will be wrapped up in Monday's post. Yes, all this news will be secondhand, but to be fair, it's a bad-ass red right hand. I can't promise you information you won't find anywhere, but can I ask you this: Is any other blog going to give you news of the Comic-con with a summary that consists of doing an impression of the angry, hate-filled doucheasaurus rex that is Mel Gibson if he were a weatherman? I didn't think so. Okay, and just so we're clear on the joke, tapes of Gibson saying the most terrible, awful things ever recorded in the English language have been surfacing recently. Thus, I have decided to mock his evil by turning him from an Oscar winning actor into a lowly weatherman describing my level of excitement about upcoming movie stuff, complete with his brutal racism and a look into his increasingly unstable psyche. Remember, he only wins if we don't laugh at him in his face and don't hope he falls into a Lassie-proof well.

1.) Can I have permission to be excited for Sucker Punch yet? - I have enjoyed both Zack Snyder movies so far, and I think his computer-generated owl movie looks bad-ass. There, I said it. So, really, it's no surprise that I think the first glimpses into Sucker Punch are stunning...and not just because, you know, hot chicks with weaponry is hard to mess up.
Yeah, so there's a girl with a gun and a sword whose name is Babydoll wearing a schoolgirl outfit in front of a snowy Asian temple and a girl named Sweat Pea who is wearing murder-stockings and holding a sword in front of a dragon. If you tell me that this movie is going to suck, I'm going to play a game called "Find Your Spleen" in which I will find your spleen. There are other character posters up all over the internet, but these are my favorites. I would put them all here, but I'm a busy guy, okay? I cannot wait to see more about this movie, but don't take my word on it. Take it away Mel Gibson, professional weatherman who describes Comic-con news.

Mel: This movie is like a hot front moving in, and I'm not talking about increased humidity, I'm talking hot like the fires of hell that I am destined to burn in for things I have said about virtually every race on the planet. Sugar tits. Freeeeeeeeeeeedoooooooom!!! Flibbledee floooo!!!!

2.) Unlike the stories circulating about my skin condition, the Internet gets one right! - Turns out, as we have suspected...NAY foretold in detail for what seems like eons now, Joss Whedon is directing The Avengers. Right now, many of you are saying "so what, I already knew that" or "tell me something I don't know" or "this Ryan fellow is one charming and entertaining character, and I, Natalie Portman, should send him some of my underpants." Even though this was not a surprise, it is relatively good news, with the relatively being the caveat that this man hasn't directed anything of this size or scope before and the best actor he's worked with to this point is arguably Neil Patrick Harris who, while good, has been in 2 Harold and Kumar movies. Ah, don't worry fanboys and fangirls, I'm just bustin' your chops a bit. It's going to be fine, right? What do you think racist, hate-filled weather personality Mel Gibson?

Mel: This news is falling like a cool rain, building up a giant pool of water that black people can't swim in because that's an unfounded stereotype that I believe in because I'm the byproduct of God's bowel movement. Fargledee flibbit! Someone get me a Fosters!

3.) As in, the same one that Eddie Murphy did? - Disney just remade The Haunted Mansion a few years ago. Now they're getting all Jedi mind trick on us and saying "that never happened." Look, how you are going to convince all 7 people who saw that movie that they didn't see what they saw is beyond me, but hiring Guillermo Del Toro is a good start. Everyone freaked yesterday and started twittering and tweeting and cyberspazzing about GDT directing the movie and asking questions like "does this seem like a good career move?" Let's get something straight, directing ANY movie that you can make decent is a good career move. Making bigoted, awful remarks while threatening your ex-wife's life, that's a bad career move. Del Toro is not directing. Del Toro is just producing, and while I don't care at all about the sanctity of Disney's ride or movie involving said spiritually inhabited residence, it's at least worth mentioning. I don't know, what do you think worst human being in the world who has become a weather guy?

Mel: There's a storm front moving in behind this one. A dark storm cloud likely to rain on people's backs, making them wet. Get it! Because I hate Hispanic people for no reason as well, because I'm just that horrible and were the earth to swallow me, it would be totally expected. Bargledy boo! Jesus beatings and making out with Jodie Foster rule!!!!

4.) Muppets and Pixar together for...I can't breathe...too...excited..to...breathe.. - They are using Pixar over at Disney like a staff mechanic, calling in the big boys of box office and storytelling to fix broken parts left and right. First was the Pixar staff pitching in to help fix Tron Legacy, then comes news that they are meeting with the people behind the new Muppet movie. Folks, I live in a world where there is not only going to BE a new Muppet movie, but the best studio in the world is going to help make it great. I know they're not solely responsible for it, but it can't help to be asking the best people in the biz at this sort of stuff to pitch in. In the name of Kermit, I bless this decision. I cannot put into words how unbearably excited this makes me, so I'd better allow the human vermin that is Mel "the weatherman" Gibson get to it.

Mel: This is like a hurricane! A big giant hurricane that there's no escape from. I call it "Hurricane Jew." Speaking of the Jewish people, if one of them were to shank me in the stomach with a homemade shiv, it would be totally excusable in both a court of law and of public opinion. Swizzledy dee!!!! I made out with a Mayan chick while filming Apocalypto!!!

5.) Something from Green Lantern that doesn't suck ass - I've been, shall we say underwhelmed by the images from GL so far. Mostly because they're awful. Well, good news, I like this:
This is a full-scale prop of the dead Abin-Sur, the alien who gives Hal Jordan his ring before he dies. As you can see, Abin died because he had his skin removed before someone decided to wrap him in a green tortilla that only covered his no-no. Seriously, this looks great, and it's the sort of thing that gives me a degree of hope for the film. Because it's real, they don't have to use their CG guy, who apparently failed community college. I'm pumped because I like something from the flick, so YAY! Let's wrap up this excitement by talking to the worthless piece of excrement shaped to look like a person, weatherman Mel Gibson everybody!

Mel: This item is like a bright, summer day with the perfect temperature. Only it's pink, and girls like pink, and girls are inferior to men because men rule over them! Women are stupid and...what's that? It appears to be a small demon creature shaking his head at me and pointing. Now there's a lot of them. Oh, God, where are they taking me?! Giggilty gooooooo!!!! They can take my life, but they can also take my eternal freeeeeedoooooomm!!!!

That's it for today's news.

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San Diego Comic Convention thoughts....FROM A GIRL!

I should start this by apologizing to young Tessie, who is a beautiful and talented girl whose reputation I besmirched by posting a picture of her where she is, fairly obviously, making a funny face for dramatic effect. It was just wrong of me to suggest that she makes such faces routinely, especially after she sent me the information below. I mean, if she made that sort of face so often that there were many, many photos of her doing it, that would be one thing, but to represent her as ALWAYS making that face based on one image is just irresponsible.



Remember, Tessie, I kid because I love. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get punched for that.

Anyway, the lovely lass did a bang up job providing me with some inside reporting from the con. Here's some highlights of what she had to say below:

• She starts with some praise for the new post-apocalyptic flick: "I don't know if it's too late to send you some more detailed info but here it goes. The Book of Eli, starring Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, and Mila Kunis, looks freaking' sweet...the chemistry between Denzel and Gary is amazing just from the few clips that I saw."
• Tess also suggested that she may have fun with the new Cameron Diaz movie (The Box): "Although Diaz totally butchers a Texan accent...the plot is very complicated, involving a man that leaves a box on Diaz's porch, he returns and tells her if she pushes the button on the box, someone she has never met will die and she will receive one million dollars each time she pushes the button." She suggests that Richard Kelly's direction is on point and that the film looks pretty...and so did Diaz, who is also pretty stupid: "Diaz gave away the ending. She said the people who gave her character the box were ****** and they were ****** *******." That info was censored for your safety. If you really want to know, I'll tell you.
• Tess also seemed intrigued by the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, noting "From the brief teaser I saw, it seems to be an interesting adaptation from the original. They said they didn't tell the same story, but do reference the old movies...The old Freddie Krueger will NOT make a cameo." Regarding Jackie Earle Haley's performance, she's pretty confident. "He is going to kick ass." She does suggest that there's more actual horror in this one and less, and this is Tessie's words here: "poofy stuff. It could be great, but does have potential to be a Prom Night flop...since it is a remake.
• Some things are just a guarantee: "Where the Wild Things Are is going to be amazing.Director Spike Jones worked hand-in-hand with the author of the book to make a movie that is going to stay true to the book but add more adventure; it will show what Max did on his adventures. The creatures take Max on a tour of his kingdom and build an elaborate fort/airplane/boat playhouse made of trees and rocks."
• Love Tess's to-the-point Jonah Hex take: "Josh Brolin is going to be a total freakin' badass. John Malcovich plays the antagonist and will more than likely deliver. The main challenge will be Megan Fox, she's on screen with two amazing actors and she plays a hooker so...yeah. She has a raunchy sex scene with Brolin, so she may just be T&A like she was in Transformers." I'm going to guess that's pretty accurate.
• Tess also appears to have a girl crush on one of my most beloved actresses, Rachel McAdams, as she sums up the new Sherlock Holmes as follows: "Downey Jr. and Jude Law do well and the amazing Rachel McAdams plays the love interest. From the crowd's response, it's a must see."
• In summing up the Tim Burton efforts: "9 is going to be a Burton-esque animated film. It is the feature film directorial debut of Shane Acker, but he was under the wing of two cinematic geniuses. The main challenge for this movie is that it's a PG-13 adult, animated film so they it keep audiences at bay." She's seen "exclusive clips and is a HUGE Tim Burton fan; this movie looks amazing."

But, by far, Tess's biggest experience at the con (and everyone's major critique) involved the following. Enjoy this tale of woe:

This is a true story that happened to me. The Twilight fans were horrible. Everyone at the convention who wasn't a Twilight fan complained about them the whole time. They almost ruined the comicon for everyone. Girls had been camped out for the THURSDAY Twilight panel since MONDAY. I wanted to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland panel, but 8500 Twilight fans kept me out. From what I heard from people who got in, the people in front were Twilight fans and didn't give a rat's ass that Tim Burton was there and would rather see Robert Pattinson than JOHNNY MOTHER F***ING DEPP!!!! But anyway, here's my story. At the Summit booth, I spun a wheel and won the TWILIGHT PRIZE PACKAGE, which included a "Limited Edition Twilight Gift Set" and two tickets to an EXCLUSIVE showing of Twilight (the cast was going to be there so it was a big deal). Only 3000 tickets were available, and they sold out 30 seconds after going on sale. After I won the tickets, I picked them up from the booth; the girl giving out the prizes handed them to me and said (this is a direct quote): "Hide these. Girls are going to try and kill you to get these tickets." Scary shit, I know. My younger sister and I waited in a line that went FOUR BLOCKS to get into the showing. While in line, we had a discussion with a 38-year-old mother who only brought one daughter because she "just had to go and see the vampire!" I also witnessed women well over the age of 40 wearing shirts that said "I Heart Boys Who Sparkle" and "I Love Edward Cullen" Robert Pattinson should be very afraid when women who could be his mother are in the same building begging for him to bite their necks. After waiting in line for four hours, it was time to enter the theater. The minute the cast came down it was chaos. I was almost trampled to death by crazy 14-year-old girls just so they could get a picture of Robert Pattinson going down a freaking escalator. Girls even said, "I can't believe I saw Edward going down the escalator!" After that pandemonium, I was then hassled by women showing off Twilight Barbies (the Edward doll has glitter on it so it sparkles in the sun) because I was too close to the display...and by too close I mean girls were shoving me into it. Once we got into the theater, my sister and I sat in the middle of the front row so we would get the closest view of the cast members. Note: We did this not because we wanted so terribly to get a good view, but because we wanted to stick it to the lunatics who kept us from Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. The cast came out (it wasn't Edward or Bella, it was Emmet, Rosalie, and two new vampires...so the girls in the theater didn't even applaud); they answered questions and were very pleasant, even though 2/3 of the room looked like they wanted to eat them. After the movie started my sister got up to try and use the bathroom. Security then yelled at us and told us we couldn't go because "The talent was still in the building and told us if it was such an emergency we could leave." So my sister and I walked out, only to find more crazy Twilight fans still waiting in line to get into theater.

Now, say what you will, that's one brave girl. I particularly like the part where she stuck it to the fans by sitting in their spot. Nice work, Tessie. I almost feel bad for posting goofy pictures of you...almost.

Comic Con Update: Minor, but intriguing...

As a point of reference, this is my agent at the Comic Convention. (She's the one having the seizure). The major news reported so far is that the new Nightmare on Elm Street looks to be "darker" than the earlier ones, and early footage was impressive. Tessie, that's the sweetie above, also mentioned that she got to hear some of the score to The Box, which was done by Arcade Fire. More news as it happens. I really just wanted to post this photo.

Ryan's Junk Drawer: Let's hear from people who get paid to go to comic conventions

There's a chance that one of my allies who is current deep behind enemy lines in San Diego with hordes of unkempt, unclean Twilight fans will send me some updates that I will feverishly post as soon as I get them. Then again, she may be (A) too busy to send me stuff or (B) eaten alive by aforementioned Twilight fans because they hate how she speaks in complete sentences that don't end in "which is why I'm getting his name on my lower back." Until then, I can only live vicariously through reports made by people much more wealthy than I am, or at least people who actually get paid some degree of money to slog through the sweaty mass of humanity that is the Comic Convention (seriously, if you've never been to one, it's like shrinking down to the size of a proton and living inside a bead of flop sweat). So, today's junk drawer will feature mostly comic-con bits along with whatever the hell else I feel like because it's my junk drawer and not yours (I kid, if you want to shove something in here, I'll make room).

Let's take a peek at the top 5 tiny tidbits this week:

1.) Avatar is good...will not revive your dead loved ones

The looks at James Cameron's bloated opus have started rolling in...and this time they are from people far less prone to hyperbole and don't orgasm with a feather's touch (for the most part). The three most interesting to me so far are the following:

• Devin from Chud - Read his whole reaction HERE. Pull quote: "Not quite as advertised, but impressive...This is an evolutionary jump, not a revolutionary leap. Avatar left my eyes unf**ked. I didn't experience movies in a whole new way, and nothing I saw on screen left me feeling more than impressed." Bonus video footage...of Devin talking, not of Avatar:
• Drew at Hitflix.com - Read his whole reaction HERE. Pull quote: "I'm going to use a sort of a crude metaphor here, so if you're easily offended, skip down a paragraph. I don't mind. Basically, today James Cameron walked into a room with 6,000 people and pulled out his dick and slapped it on the table. With an HD camera pointing right at it."
• Adam Quigley and Peter Sciretta at Slashfilm.com - Read their whole reaction HERE. Pull quote: "I don't think it's a revolution, but I think it's one of the coolest looking movies I've seen in 10 years."

So, it sounds pretty much like what I figured: A kick-ass, sure-to-be-beloved movie that will not do anything other than raise production budgets for other similarly themed films, ensuring that we get less of them.

2.) District 9 is every bit as good as I thought it would be

When I saw the first preview for District 9, I flipped my lid (not literally, that would hurt). I could not wait to hear if it was as ball-crushingly awesome as that brief glimpse suggested. According to multiple sources (most of whom are listed above, so I'm not going to bother repeating it), the film is just brilliant. To use Devin once more: "Is District 9 the best film of the summer? Quite possibly. It's certainly the best science fiction film released by a major studio in some time. I loved District 9." The man isn't given to effusive praise easily. I cannot, cannot, cannot wait to see this movie.

3.) It's a sexy trailer party

Here's some trailers for your peepers. These have all premiered this week and look, as the kids say, "rad."

First up is The Book of Eli, which is post-apocalyptic, which means my wife will love it.

Next up is Ninja Assassin because...well, come on, it's Ninja Assassin.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Finally, the one many of you have waited for...the Tim Burton LCD trip that is Alice in Wonderland (which, frankly, barely interests me at this point...I've seen Johnny Depp do his crazy accent/character thing with visuals from Tim that look like this over and over...I mean, I'll see it in IMAX 3D, but only because I want to trip balls).


4.) Roger Rabbit not dead yet

Answering some questions in pre-convention interviews, Bob Hoskins has said that he and Robert Zemeckis are still kicking around a possible Roger Rabbit return. Then, at the convention, Zemeckis refused to deny that, but did hedge a bit. This needs to happen. I love the first film (even if the Christopher Lloyd character terrified me), and tech has advanced to where this could be great. Just ask James Cameron for his Avatar toys when he's done using them to create nuclear fission.

5.) Twilight fans terrify everyone

God invented twitter for moments like this. The three best tweets (both from Devin at Chud...who apparently I have a man crush on today) regarding the Twilight panel:

1.) Being here for the TWILIGHT panel is like experiencing Beatlemania. If the Beatles were horrible.

2.) I love Kristen Stewart for her thinly veiled contempt for her fans.

3.) Is it a plot point in NEW MOON that Jacob buys a heavy metal wig at Spencer Gifts?

Happy Friday, people. I'll be back in a bit with some Box Office Predictions.