Friday, June 25, 2010

Fearless, flawless box office predictions

As per usual these days, I'll be back later with a review of Knight and Day. I would have it done already but I am wayyyy too tired to care right now.

Speaking of Knight and Day, it's going to flop. Not because it's bad, it really isn't, but because it's just a star-driven project that features a star everyone has suspicions about and a star that I'm sick of watching despite being incredibly attractive. You could really flip those descriptions and they work for either actor. As for the other new release of the week, America, I have a favor to ask. Could we NOT make Grown Ups a hit? I mean, could you do that for me? I'd really appreciate it. See, if it does make $100 million, we're going to keep seeing movies with Kevin James, Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Rob Schneider. Chris Rock should go back to standup, but at least he has talent, so I'll leave him out of this rant. The other dudes belong skimming algae off of pools or something. Sandler wouldn't be the funniest friend I have at this point. None of them should be encouraged to continue this kind of tomfoolery. Do not reward them. Oh, and Kevin James is big, but he's not morbidly obese. The jokes about him sinking boats and being a big ole fatty don't work. None of the jokes work. I hate this.

At least there's Toy Story 3 to hold down the fort. Here's how I see this week, haiku style:

1.) Toy Story 3 - $68 million

You go, little toys.
You show them what good looks like.
Destroy the Grown-Ups!

2.) Grown Ups - $37 million

This hurts me real bad.
I want it to do nothing.
It's got ROB SCHNEIDER!!!!

3.) Knight and Day - $19 million

So sad to see this.
Tom Cruise, the movie star, rules.
We only see nuts.

4.) The Karate Kid - $18 million

Keep on kick punching!
This year's biggest surprise hit.
I wish it was good!

5.) The A-Team - $9 million

I will say this much:
Bradley Cooper's a doucheboat.
I so love that term.

WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $5 million

See you, Russell Brand.
Go back to doing other business.
Like Katy Perry.

Be back later with a review! Until then, enjoy Friday!!!!

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