Fearless, flawless box office predictions

As per usual these days, I'll be back later with a review of Knight and Day. I would have it done already but I am wayyyy too tired to care right now.

Speaking of Knight and Day, it's going to flop. Not because it's bad, it really isn't, but because it's just a star-driven project that features a star everyone has suspicions about and a star that I'm sick of watching despite being incredibly attractive. You could really flip those descriptions and they work for either actor. As for the other new release of the week, America, I have a favor to ask. Could we NOT make Grown Ups a hit? I mean, could you do that for me? I'd really appreciate it. See, if it does make $100 million, we're going to keep seeing movies with Kevin James, Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Rob Schneider. Chris Rock should go back to standup, but at least he has talent, so I'll leave him out of this rant. The other dudes belong skimming algae off of pools or something. Sandler wouldn't be the funniest friend I have at this point. None of them should be encouraged to continue this kind of tomfoolery. Do not reward them. Oh, and Kevin James is big, but he's not morbidly obese. The jokes about him sinking boats and being a big ole fatty don't work. None of the jokes work. I hate this.

At least there's Toy Story 3 to hold down the fort. Here's how I see this week, haiku style:

1.) Toy Story 3 - $68 million

You go, little toys.
You show them what good looks like.
Destroy the Grown-Ups!

2.) Grown Ups - $37 million

This hurts me real bad.
I want it to do nothing.
It's got ROB SCHNEIDER!!!!

3.) Knight and Day - $19 million

So sad to see this.
Tom Cruise, the movie star, rules.
We only see nuts.

4.) The Karate Kid - $18 million

Keep on kick punching!
This year's biggest surprise hit.
I wish it was good!

5.) The A-Team - $9 million

I will say this much:
Bradley Cooper's a doucheboat.
I so love that term.

WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $5 million

See you, Russell Brand.
Go back to doing other business.
Like Katy Perry.

Be back later with a review! Until then, enjoy Friday!!!!

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Box Office Results: Suck on that, White!

Okay, so technically Toy Story 3 didn't set a record, but it's early. Given the relative lack of family films (or any films) of quality this summer, there's every chance that TS3 is going to set the all-time animation record. Yeah, I said it. There's virtually nothing standing between it and unparalleled success, and it even has 3D going for it. The world is Buzz and Woody's oyster. In other news, tip your cap and bow your head, Megan Fox's career died on Sunday, June 20th. If she can't even portray a hooker effectively, she has no further hope. She will now commence a career consisting entirely of appearing in gentlemen magazines where's she almost shows booby but never does. You make women with talent proud, Miss Fox!

Okay, here's the rest of the box office results, haiku style.

1.) Toy Story 3 - $109 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

These toys aren't playing.
They're out for box office blood!
Faster, Buzz, KILL KILL!

2.) Karate Kid - $29 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

The younger Smith rules.
Back at home, there will be blood.
Only one can rule!

3.) The A-Team - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

It's not a big flop.
But it is a mini-bomb.
So it's like kaboom

4.) Get Him to the Greek - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

A nice little film
taking in a nice tally.
That's...what's the word? Nice!

5.) Shrek Forever After - $5.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

The summer's big flop,
and yet nobody says it.
Let me then: This sucked.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 90.4%

Summer is now here!
And yet I am not on break.
This is so not fair.

Okay, that's it guys, happy Monday, be productive.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'll be back later on today with a Toy Story 3 review, but for now, you just console yourself with some wickedly hilarious haikus. Okay, maybe not wicked hilarious, but you try being funny about Jonah Hex. Actually, that's pretty easy. Speaking of the movie that has yet to convince one critic in America that it doesn't suck the shell off of an egg, it's going to do poorly. Like, "why did this happen to some good people" kind of poorly. Not doing poorly: Toy Story 3, which had a theater absolutely packed at midnight last night. Speaking of that, quick anecdote for you. My friend, Matt, and I went to go see the movie and were SHOCKED to find the theater populated entirely (and I mean ENTIRELY) with people aged 16-22. We were old men. This just in: People aged 16-22 apparently do not know how to appropriately watch a movie in a theater. With one guy making ridiculous noises to get attention, half the audience calling out to one another from ACROSS THE THEATER, a girl who laughed during every sincere moment (I mean LAUGHED too, not giggled), and three quarters of the audience expressing absolute astonishment by the magic of 3D throughout the film, it was easily the worst collective audience I've ever seen a movie with. I won't hold this against Toy Story 3. It was great.

Anyway, here's my predictions for the weekend, haiku style.

1.) Toy Story 3 - $120 million

The best "3" ever?
I'd say it is possible.
Suck on that Eclipse!

2.) The Karate Kid - $32 million

Step one is complete.
Step two involves an album.
Jaden Smith is HERE!

3.) Jonah Hex - $15 million

Megan Fox sucks bad.
She has a Southern accent.
Just think about that.

4.) The A-Team - $14 million

So much for that plan.
There will be no franchise here.
Neeson is soooo pissed.

5.) Shrek Forever After - $7.5 million

Goodbye you booger.
Pixar will kick your booty.
So what else is new?

WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $6.5 million

I think I'll own this.
There's so much funny in it.
Russell Brand is god.

Okay, that's it for now, back later with a review for you!

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Weekend Box Office Results: Holy high kick!

I knew there was a chance that The Karate Kid would do better than The A-Team, I just didn't think it would do a spinning jump-kick to its throat. Sweet suffering sweep kicks did the tween fight flick wind up with some serious dough. This just means that the future is now set: We're going to see Will Smith pass all of his roles down to his son one day. Trust me, we'll be talking about the reboot of Men in Black, the continuation of Independence Day, and the sequel to Ali all starring Jaden Smith (okay, maybe not the last one). On a side note, The A-Team should blame their lack of box office boom on Jessica Biel. Seriously, who did that? Who put her in there? She's kind of cute (sorry, she's not THAT cute) and she's almost Alba-esque in her acting. I blame her for this.

Here's the results, haiku style:

1.) The Karate Kid- $56 million (Accuracy of prediction - 67%)

Holy spawn of Smith!
Here's the Summer Messiah!
And he's eleven!!!!

2.) The A-Team - $26 million (Accuracy of prediction - 72.5%)

Sorry Hannibal.
Plan did not come together.
You're on the B team.

3.) Shrek Forever After - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Soon, you will be gone.
Soon yes, but not soon enough!
I hate you green turd.

4.) Get Him to the Greek - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97.5%)

This deserves better.
I hope it has a long run.
And Jonah Hill too.

5.) Killers- $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

This was a big flop.
Hopefully it falls upon
Katherine Heigl.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 87%

Good Summer weekend!
This is a rare thing this year.
It could soon heat up.

Okay, that's it for Monday. Take it easy but be productive. We have a long week ahead of us, y'all.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

If nothing else, this will be the end of Shrek's reign of terror. That's something, right? The battle between The A-Team and Karate Kid is going to be closer than expected, thanks to the family appeal of the latter and the "you seriously want to see that?" reaction of most people trying to take spouses and loved ones unfamiliar with the joy of the original 1980s TV show. The seed of Will Smith will do his high-kicking damndest to win the week for his poppa, but it's hard to top shooting a plane with a tank that's falling in the air. Thankfully, I'm here to weigh in on the tough issues of tank-splosions versus flexible, kung-fu using offspring.

Here's my predictions, haiku style:

1.) The A-Team - $35 million

My favorite show,
when I was but a wee lad.
Nostalgia kicks ass.

2.) The Karate Kid - $30 million

It's not a remake.
It should be the Kung Fu Kid.
Nary a crane kick!

3.) Shrek Forever After - $16 million

Go away green man.
You've overstayed your welcome
by at least 3 films.

4.) Get Him to the Greek - $9.5 million

This is quite funny
and deserves some more success.
Jonah Hill must eat!

5.) Killers - $7.5 million

Heigl may be done.
She thinks she's famous, but no.
She can disappear.

WILDCARD: Prince of Persia - $6.5 million

This is a big flop.
Jake got all yoked for nothing.
Sorry about that.

Okay, that's it for predictions, I'll be back later with a Karate Kid review!

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Box Office Results: Shrek this

First off, no movie news happened this weekend. I would tell you about it if it did, but it didn't. Apparently the world was watching the MTV Movie Awards to see if Twilight could pull off the win (spoiler alert: teenagers still love it and still watch MTV). Actually, quick note about that show (not that I watched it): People bag on Kristen Stewart too much. I like her. Yeah, I said it. I've mentioned my support of her in the past based on her loathing of that which made her famous, but to watch her on stage is to see someone ill prepared to be that famous. What others see as cocky and aloof I think is fairly obviously anxiety with her degree of popularity. Also, gal's got some sticks. I say in 5 years we're talking about her as a quality actress, just my hunch.

Anyhoodle, back to the box office bonanza. Much has been made recently of this year's summer swoon. Here's a hint, Hollywood: Make better movies. Turns out you can 3D and IMAX your ass off, but if the movies suck we won't go. Tallies are down across the board, and one can't help but think if we're still seeing a combination of the fallout from the writer's strike and a general tipping point for quality. Yes, we're just a few months removed from Avatar becoming the biggest thing since Jonah Hill's waistline, but I think we're seeing the consequences of quality. Nobody saw Marmaduke. That in and of itself is a victory, right? I mean, Beverly Hills Chihuahua was a hit.

Here's this week's results, haiku style:

1.) Shrek Forever After - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

A riddle for you?
What's green and shouldn't be picked?
Hint: Not a booger.

2.) Get Him to the Greek - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

You should see this one.
It's the only film this year
where Diddy gets laughs.

3.) Killers - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Hey, Katherine Heigl
looks like you have your first flop.
Miss your TV show?

4.) Prince of Persia - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

This is an epic,
there's no denying it.
It's an epic fail.

5.) Sex and the City 2 - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Damn you, Marmaduke!
I thought you'd keep these whores out!
You're good for nothing.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 77%

I almost had it.
Damn you S-A-T-C-2
Be gone forever!

Okay, that's it gang. Happy Monday to ya. Let's do it to it this week, right?!

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Movie Review: Get Him to the Greek

Good morning shiny, happy people. I remember back before I was an adult, when weekends were for being a lazy ass and watching non-stop marathons of sci-fi movies and playing video ga...I mean, hanging out with other humans and touching girl parts? Okay, fine, I mostly read comics. But it beat the hell out of mowing lawns, grocery shopping, doing laundry, and so forth and so on. I did get to see a few movies this weekend, most notably the second funniest comedy I've seen so far this year (Mystery Team shall not be topped soon...and I really need to get a review up for that). No, I'm talking about Get Him to the Greek, which was actually just as funny as Forgetting Sarah Marshall, even though that was a much better movie (Greek imploded by the end). One thing I couldn't quite fit in the review is my problem with Jonah Hill right now. Dude needs to hit the gym or see a doctor. He's beginning to look like the girl who ate the blueberry in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The thing is, comedians can be tubby, but it's usually part of their schtick. Hill actually does "thin guy" comedy. He's all about crisp, fast dialogue and witty responses, not goofy, physical, big dude comedy. What I'm saying is, for both his health and his career, he needs to PX90 himself.

Enough about that, here's my review for you to peruse!

Heroin-larious
Get Him to the Greek shows the whimsical side of addiction

Understanding the multiple reality component of quantum mechanics is actually quite simple: Just watch any modern comedy. Practical existence is stretched and bent, resulting in a universe that very much resembles the one we inhabit but also allows, for example, Michael Scott from “The Office” to stay regional manager despite eleventy billion fireable offenses.

Writer/director Nicholas Stoller’s Get Him to the Greek exists in a place where alcohol poisoning is impossible, vomit is a chic accessory and herpes is a myth—insert your own “Jersey Shore” joke here. Right up until the third act falls through a wormhole and ends up in our plane of existence, it’s a flippin’ riot. But sincerity is comic kryptonite when 90% of jokes involve the audience laughing at the foibles of an addict and his paid enabler.

The addict is fallen rock star Aldous Snow, played by Russell Brand, whom God seemingly assembled on a dare. The permanently scruffy, chubby-cheeked Brit looks like he’s wearing a Cher wig on a humid day and has the gift of making the most mundane sentence sound like a Carnegie Hall routine. Snow first appeared in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as a sober celebrity who cuckolded the hero. The first guffaw-enducing five minutes of this spinoff detail his descent from rock royalty to has-been, brought on mostly by “African Child,” an album dubbed the third worst thing to happen to Africa behind only war and famine.

Desperate record executive Sergio (Sean “P. Diddy” Combs) agrees to let his low-level lackey Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) execute a plan to resurrect Snow’s career by performing a concert commemorating his celebrated show at the Greek Theater. Emotionally vulnerable after splitting abruptly with his far-hotter girlfriend (Elisabeth Moss), Green must retrieve the lecherous Snow from his death-spiral relapse and get him on stage within three days. Shenanigans, tomfoolery and literal butt-loads of drugs abound.

For the first hour and 15 minutes, when the characters are all cartoons to whom nothing of consequence can ever happen, Greek is a burst pipe of funny, spilling chuckles by the ocean-full. With Brand’s effortless hilarity, Hill’s neurotic patter and Combs’ inexplicably brilliant self-parody, the film barely stops to breathe…until it stops dead in its tracks, reverses course and asks audiences to take things seriously. If we are to consider Snow’s plight on a real, emotional level, how awful must we feel about laughing at his drug-fueled wackiness just five minutes earlier? We’re sick bastards, all of us!

Really, it’s best to just ignore the final 20 minutes, which feel like they’ve been snipped from a far inferior, far cheesier dud produced by Drew Barrymore. Instead, relish the surrealist interplay between Brand and Hill, whose bromance is one of the few actually consummated. Both actors should have bright futures, provided Hill doesn’t continue expanding at an exponential rate and Brand exhibits some measure of diversity. Get Him to the Greek ultimately isn’t philosophically transcendent but it is sophomorically satisfying.

Grade = B

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Wow is this week hard. I mean, there are no less than 8 movies that have a chance at the top 5. Even with my underhanded trick of the Wildcard, this may end terribly for me. Also ending and beginning terribly: Marmaduke. I hope that the indie-horror flick Splice does well, and that Get Him to the Greek doesn't woefully underperform as I fear it will. I have no care in the world for whatever happens to the Heigl/Kutcher bomb-to-be, but it would be nice for something to take down the latest Shrek movie. How can it suck, be a flop, and STILL be atop the charts. It's maddening. Enough already, it's Friday and you have places to be. Here are this week's prediction haikus!

1.) Shrek Forever After - $23 million

Forever After?
Or it's The Final Chapter?
Either way, BE GONE.

2.) Get Him to the Greek - $18 million

Russell Brand kicks ass.
Jonah Hill is sometimes good.
Let's hope this does well.

3.) Killers - $17 million

Katherine Heigl sucks.
She bugs the crap out of me.
And has baby teeth.

4.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $15.5 million

Not the hit I thought.
Too bad for Jake Gyllenhaal.
He should lose an "a."

5.) Marmaduke - $15 million

Marmaduke is real?
How did we let this happen?
This is a new low.

WILDCARD - Splice - $14 million

I hope this does well.
Intelligent horror rules.
I want more of it.

Okay, that's it. Enjoy your weekend. Behave. Relax. I will try to do both and do neither.

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