Weekend Box Office Results: Why do you still like Adam Sandler?

Seriously? I want to know. Do people go see Adam Sandler movies because they're just used to doing it? Nobody's really excited by them, right? I mean, nobody saw the clip for Grown Ups where they pee in the pool and squealed with laughter, right? Nobody owns Click on Blu-Ray, right? I get that his sense of humor is supposed to be mainstream, but he peaked about 15 years ago by my estimation, how is it that he still has a fan base? Shouldn't they have aged past his antics? I'm so confused right now. It's going to make like $110-$120 million and be another standard successful film, encouraging his studio to keep doing the same damn thing until the sun swallows the earth in 2012. I'm not even necessarily mad, as trying to hate an Adam Sandler movie seems like it would take more energy than the film deserves or used while in production. I'm just confused is all. Really confused.

Here's the box office results, haiku style:

1.) Toy Story 3 - $59 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92.5%)

Top summer movie?
If it can beat out Twilight,
then I think it is.

2.) Grown Ups - $41 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

Look at what you've done.
We were free of Rob Schneider.
But now he is back.

3.) Knight and Day - $20.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

This is not a flop.
People will say that it is.
They just wish it was.

4.) The Karate Kid - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Is this one done yet?
I mean, it was fine and all,
but can we move on?

5.) The A-Team - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

On the other hand...
this one is a big ole flop.
So much for "franchise."

Overall accuracy of prediction - 90%

Summer is easy.
They make the choices for me.
I like it that way.

Okay gang, happy Monday to ya! I hope you have a nice one.

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Fearless, flawless box office predictions

As per usual these days, I'll be back later with a review of Knight and Day. I would have it done already but I am wayyyy too tired to care right now.

Speaking of Knight and Day, it's going to flop. Not because it's bad, it really isn't, but because it's just a star-driven project that features a star everyone has suspicions about and a star that I'm sick of watching despite being incredibly attractive. You could really flip those descriptions and they work for either actor. As for the other new release of the week, America, I have a favor to ask. Could we NOT make Grown Ups a hit? I mean, could you do that for me? I'd really appreciate it. See, if it does make $100 million, we're going to keep seeing movies with Kevin James, Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Rob Schneider. Chris Rock should go back to standup, but at least he has talent, so I'll leave him out of this rant. The other dudes belong skimming algae off of pools or something. Sandler wouldn't be the funniest friend I have at this point. None of them should be encouraged to continue this kind of tomfoolery. Do not reward them. Oh, and Kevin James is big, but he's not morbidly obese. The jokes about him sinking boats and being a big ole fatty don't work. None of the jokes work. I hate this.

At least there's Toy Story 3 to hold down the fort. Here's how I see this week, haiku style:

1.) Toy Story 3 - $68 million

You go, little toys.
You show them what good looks like.
Destroy the Grown-Ups!

2.) Grown Ups - $37 million

This hurts me real bad.
I want it to do nothing.
It's got ROB SCHNEIDER!!!!

3.) Knight and Day - $19 million

So sad to see this.
Tom Cruise, the movie star, rules.
We only see nuts.

4.) The Karate Kid - $18 million

Keep on kick punching!
This year's biggest surprise hit.
I wish it was good!

5.) The A-Team - $9 million

I will say this much:
Bradley Cooper's a doucheboat.
I so love that term.

WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $5 million

See you, Russell Brand.
Go back to doing other business.
Like Katy Perry.

Be back later with a review! Until then, enjoy Friday!!!!

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Box Office Results: Suck on that, White!

Okay, so technically Toy Story 3 didn't set a record, but it's early. Given the relative lack of family films (or any films) of quality this summer, there's every chance that TS3 is going to set the all-time animation record. Yeah, I said it. There's virtually nothing standing between it and unparalleled success, and it even has 3D going for it. The world is Buzz and Woody's oyster. In other news, tip your cap and bow your head, Megan Fox's career died on Sunday, June 20th. If she can't even portray a hooker effectively, she has no further hope. She will now commence a career consisting entirely of appearing in gentlemen magazines where's she almost shows booby but never does. You make women with talent proud, Miss Fox!

Okay, here's the rest of the box office results, haiku style.

1.) Toy Story 3 - $109 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

These toys aren't playing.
They're out for box office blood!
Faster, Buzz, KILL KILL!

2.) Karate Kid - $29 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

The younger Smith rules.
Back at home, there will be blood.
Only one can rule!

3.) The A-Team - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

It's not a big flop.
But it is a mini-bomb.
So it's like kaboom

4.) Get Him to the Greek - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

A nice little film
taking in a nice tally.
That's...what's the word? Nice!

5.) Shrek Forever After - $5.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

The summer's big flop,
and yet nobody says it.
Let me then: This sucked.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 90.4%

Summer is now here!
And yet I am not on break.
This is so not fair.

Okay, that's it guys, happy Monday, be productive.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'll be back later on today with a Toy Story 3 review, but for now, you just console yourself with some wickedly hilarious haikus. Okay, maybe not wicked hilarious, but you try being funny about Jonah Hex. Actually, that's pretty easy. Speaking of the movie that has yet to convince one critic in America that it doesn't suck the shell off of an egg, it's going to do poorly. Like, "why did this happen to some good people" kind of poorly. Not doing poorly: Toy Story 3, which had a theater absolutely packed at midnight last night. Speaking of that, quick anecdote for you. My friend, Matt, and I went to go see the movie and were SHOCKED to find the theater populated entirely (and I mean ENTIRELY) with people aged 16-22. We were old men. This just in: People aged 16-22 apparently do not know how to appropriately watch a movie in a theater. With one guy making ridiculous noises to get attention, half the audience calling out to one another from ACROSS THE THEATER, a girl who laughed during every sincere moment (I mean LAUGHED too, not giggled), and three quarters of the audience expressing absolute astonishment by the magic of 3D throughout the film, it was easily the worst collective audience I've ever seen a movie with. I won't hold this against Toy Story 3. It was great.

Anyway, here's my predictions for the weekend, haiku style.

1.) Toy Story 3 - $120 million

The best "3" ever?
I'd say it is possible.
Suck on that Eclipse!

2.) The Karate Kid - $32 million

Step one is complete.
Step two involves an album.
Jaden Smith is HERE!

3.) Jonah Hex - $15 million

Megan Fox sucks bad.
She has a Southern accent.
Just think about that.

4.) The A-Team - $14 million

So much for that plan.
There will be no franchise here.
Neeson is soooo pissed.

5.) Shrek Forever After - $7.5 million

Goodbye you booger.
Pixar will kick your booty.
So what else is new?

WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $6.5 million

I think I'll own this.
There's so much funny in it.
Russell Brand is god.

Okay, that's it for now, back later with a review for you!

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Weekend Box Office Results: Holy high kick!

I knew there was a chance that The Karate Kid would do better than The A-Team, I just didn't think it would do a spinning jump-kick to its throat. Sweet suffering sweep kicks did the tween fight flick wind up with some serious dough. This just means that the future is now set: We're going to see Will Smith pass all of his roles down to his son one day. Trust me, we'll be talking about the reboot of Men in Black, the continuation of Independence Day, and the sequel to Ali all starring Jaden Smith (okay, maybe not the last one). On a side note, The A-Team should blame their lack of box office boom on Jessica Biel. Seriously, who did that? Who put her in there? She's kind of cute (sorry, she's not THAT cute) and she's almost Alba-esque in her acting. I blame her for this.

Here's the results, haiku style:

1.) The Karate Kid- $56 million (Accuracy of prediction - 67%)

Holy spawn of Smith!
Here's the Summer Messiah!
And he's eleven!!!!

2.) The A-Team - $26 million (Accuracy of prediction - 72.5%)

Sorry Hannibal.
Plan did not come together.
You're on the B team.

3.) Shrek Forever After - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Soon, you will be gone.
Soon yes, but not soon enough!
I hate you green turd.

4.) Get Him to the Greek - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97.5%)

This deserves better.
I hope it has a long run.
And Jonah Hill too.

5.) Killers- $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

This was a big flop.
Hopefully it falls upon
Katherine Heigl.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 87%

Good Summer weekend!
This is a rare thing this year.
It could soon heat up.

Okay, that's it for Monday. Take it easy but be productive. We have a long week ahead of us, y'all.

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Movie Review: A-Team

Someone stole my weekend. I'm positive of it. I left it sitting right over here, I turned my head, and whammo, somehow it's friggin' Monday again. This sucks. I had been saving the weekend for a chance to sleep, relax, or generally not feel stretched like taffy that ain't so laffy. This is why you're going to have to give me a minute before I, you know, actually write anything original for you. With that in mind, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Justin Senkbile's review of The A-Team.

Excess in Excess
Everything is big in The A-Team
Justin Senkbile

“Overkill is underrated,” or so says Colonel Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson), the leader of an Army special ops group in The A-Team, the latest repackaged product in your local multiplex. It’s a nice line for a gruff, half-crazed maverick like Hannibal, but one could imagine it coming from the mouth of a Fox executive during the preproduction stage. After all, this thing is overflowing with just about everything: one-liners, air battles, plot twists and, of course, copious explosions. With a running time of nearly two hours, it has the distinction of being both mindless and mind-numbing, though not at all unentertaining.

The A-Team follows the adventures of a gang of adrenaline-junkie US Army Rangers who “specialize in the ridiculous.” That turns out to be an apt description as we watch Hannibal, Face (Bradley Cooper), B.A. (Quinton “Rampage” Jackson) and Murdock (Sharlto Copley) bring the most absurd “MacGyver”-esque missions to a successful conclusion. There’s also a boatload of plot involving a CIA agent and a treasonous General, but really it’s the same old story of explosions avenged with even bigger explosions.

As yet another repackaging of aging kitsch, in this case the much-loved 80’s TV series of the same name, The A-Team follows the ordinary rules of the remake. Its story details the origins of the team, before they became the soldiers of fortune featured in the series, and its ending leaves things open enough for a string of sequels, depending of course on what the box-office receipts look like.

What’s interesting is that this succession of pops, zips and bangs is moved along not so much by its plot but by its mixture of gaudy charm (from Cooper) and fermenting testosterone (via Neeson). Although they’re arguably the main stars of the film, those brief descriptions are really all you need to know about them. Jackson, filling the shoes of the iconic Mr. T, has more of a back seat role. He really has little to do with the film besides having a mohawk and getting a weak mini-redemption story that features not one but two quotes from Ghandi that are, in this context, cringe-inducing.

It’s a shame that Copley (from District 9 fame) got all the dumbest lines because he’s easily the most compelling actor here. As the one member of the team who’s assumed to be literally insane, Murdock is clearly the clown of the cast. And although Copley still finds some room to impress, he’s sadly misused. At least the guy is probably getting a good paycheck out of this.

In spite of all its boneheadedness, The A-Team’s audio-visual obesity does manage to entertain, if your eyes and ears are up to the challenge. If you loved the series, or if you’re partial to movies that run everything, at all times, at full speed (even when it doesn’t make sense to), then you’ll probably find a few things to enjoy. But no matter who you are, $9.00 is a steep price for a mildly amusing shoot-em-up.

Grade: C

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

If nothing else, this will be the end of Shrek's reign of terror. That's something, right? The battle between The A-Team and Karate Kid is going to be closer than expected, thanks to the family appeal of the latter and the "you seriously want to see that?" reaction of most people trying to take spouses and loved ones unfamiliar with the joy of the original 1980s TV show. The seed of Will Smith will do his high-kicking damndest to win the week for his poppa, but it's hard to top shooting a plane with a tank that's falling in the air. Thankfully, I'm here to weigh in on the tough issues of tank-splosions versus flexible, kung-fu using offspring.

Here's my predictions, haiku style:

1.) The A-Team - $35 million

My favorite show,
when I was but a wee lad.
Nostalgia kicks ass.

2.) The Karate Kid - $30 million

It's not a remake.
It should be the Kung Fu Kid.
Nary a crane kick!

3.) Shrek Forever After - $16 million

Go away green man.
You've overstayed your welcome
by at least 3 films.

4.) Get Him to the Greek - $9.5 million

This is quite funny
and deserves some more success.
Jonah Hill must eat!

5.) Killers - $7.5 million

Heigl may be done.
She thinks she's famous, but no.
She can disappear.

WILDCARD: Prince of Persia - $6.5 million

This is a big flop.
Jake got all yoked for nothing.
Sorry about that.

Okay, that's it for predictions, I'll be back later with a Karate Kid review!

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