Weekend Box Office: Wowza did you like Inception

I'm so happy right now that if I sneezed, I would blow out a double rainbow (yes, I'm still making that reference). The normal drop-off percentage from a big opening weekend (and anything over $40 million is big) is somewhere around 50-55%. If you manage less than 50%, you get a shiny gold star. If you manage less than 40%, you are given your choice of firstborn children to steal from the studio executives that made the movie. If you manage 30.7%, you instill within me the belief that America is a great nation capable of embracing great movies. Inception fell to a range that would have been near acceptable for an OPENING weekend. Suddenly, the $150 million "gamble" doesn't seem to be that much of a gamble at all, as the film will likely roar past $200 million domestically quite easily. Not too shabby for a big-budget art film. Also of note, Angelina Jolie's perfectly acceptable action film, Salt, posted a really nice weekend. It's a female-driven action film, so it's really nice to see a box office turnout for it. Here's how the rest of the stuff shook out, haiku style:

1.) Inception - $43.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

This is such great news.
America gets an "A."
I like you today!

2.) Salt - $36.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Nothing to sneeze at.
This total is really nice.
I smell a sequel.

3.) Despicable Me - $24 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87.5%)

This is hanging well.
And that has little to do
with the damn 3D.

4.) The Sorcerer's Apprentice - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

Well, the bleeding stopped.
But the damage has been done,
Nic Cage is over.

5.) Toy Story 3 - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

$400 million
Now seems rather likely here.
That's no kid-sized haul.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 89%

A great weekend, gang.
Big box office chosen well.
Now, remember this.

Okay, that's it for now. Have a great Monday!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

As you know by now, I'm praying with every fiber of faith that Inception will retain its hold over humanity and continue pummeling the box office like a prize fighter in his prime. Help the film do that. See it if you haven't and see it again if you have. That's an order soldier. I'll be back later with a review of Salt, but the basics of that are this: If you wanna see it, that's cool. You'll think it's okay. It is. It's not great, but it's okay enough. That's my in-depth analysis at this point, it's all I have to give on this Friday. Now, quickly, to the haikus before I tire completely.

1.) Inception - $40 million

I know this is high,
but so are my hopes and my dreams.
Make this a huge hit!!!!

2.) Salt - $30 million

Angie kicks some ass,
but let's just be honest here,
hers is too skinny.

3.) Despicable Me - $18 million

Still the best option
for families that have seen
Toy Story enough.

4.) Ramona and Beezus - $8 million

I remember this!
I read some Ramona books!
I'm still a tough guy!!!!

5.) The Sorcerer's Apprentice - $8 million

Poor Nicholas Cage
dressing up like he did here,
only for a flop.

WILDCARD: Toy Story 3 - $7.5 million

All things someday end.
This is the end of the road
for a great movie!

Okay, that's it for now. Back with a review later. Must run!

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Weekend Box Office Results: Daffy would be proud

Good weekend for the box office, as we're poised to enter the most promising weekend of the year (Inception weekend). Speaking of which, I'll be attending said premiere of that tonight and will be sure to give you my spoiler-free thoughts upon return! But now, back to the business behind us.

Despicable Me did well for itself, Predators proved that producing matters (it should be profitable by mid week), and Toy Story 3 is now the top-grossing Pixar movie ever. Eventful!

Here's what happened, haiku style:

1.) Despicable Me - $60 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

Animation rules!
At least in terms of 3D...
and beating Twilight.

2.) Twilight: Eclipse - $33 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Things are changing fast!
There is a big dropoff here!
It's almost over!!!!

3.) Predators - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

As I've said for years,
Action has only one name:
Adrien Brody

4.) Toy Story 3 - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

$400 million
Is a possibility.
Not bad for those toys.

5.) The Last Airbender - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Sequel talk will hinge
on the foreign box office.
It's up to you, France!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 90%

I am on fire, folks.
Just call me "The Predictor."
Actually, please don't.

Okay, that's it. Be good this Monday, you'll regret it!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Like I said, I'm outtie like a belly button technically, but through the magic of technology I am posting this today (Friday) even though I wrote it yesterday. It's magicalicious! This week brings us Steve Carrell in animated form using all 3 dimensions, the second weekend of the murderous Twilight: Eclipse, and Predators, which features Adrien Brody and his rippling muscles (for realz). Who will win this epic three-way? Wait, that didn't come out right.

Here's how I see it, haiku style:

1.) Despicable Me - $40 million

This is my hero.
Why? Because it will keep out
Twilight from first place.

2.) Twilight: Eclipse - $27 million

Suck on second place!
The fan base may be shrinking.
Your time is OVER!!!

3.) Predators - $21 million

I have heard good things.
No, wait, I'm serious here!
I tried, Adrien.

4.) Toy Story 3 - $17 million

Top of Pixar's list.
The other kid's flick will hurt.
You done good there, toys.

5.) The Last Airbender - $16 million

As soon as it came,
it quickly left us alone.
Try harder next time.

No wildcard this week, I feel that good about it. Okay, have a great weekend. I'll miss you all. Honest.

Weekend Box Office results: We're almost done with Twilight

With only 2 more insipid Twi-movies to endure, this last box office assault by the shiny vampires doesn't feel quite as bad. Oh, sure, the movie is that bad, even judging on a sliding scale like a lot of people seem to be doing, but the notion of this entire experience ALMOST being over is nice. Plus, as you all know, we are soooo close to seeing the batshit crazy ending to this whole shebang in blood-flicking 3D. Mmmmm. Other news of note: The Last Airbender is trying to survive, despite dialogue that feels like swimming in sulfuric acid. It may just cling to profitability long enough to become a series. If so, again let me remind the world that Shyamalan need not write to direct. Put him behind the camera and take his pen away.

Let's see how the weekend shaped up, haiku style:

1.) Twilight: Eclipse - $69 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

A box office dip,
means this will not beat New Moon.
Small victory, folks.

2.) The Last Airbender - $40.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

The fan base is big.
That or deaf people loved it.
All of the words sucked.

3.) Toy Story 3 - $30 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Just passed $300
soon to be Pixar's top flick.
Good, but not my fave!

4.) Grown Ups - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 99%)

Technically a hit,
but let me specify where:
It is in the nuts.

5.) Knight and Day - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

This is not Tom's fault.
We all know where the blame goes.
It's on YOU, Diaz!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 93%

I've been good lately.
The summer makes things easy.
I'll soon be sucking.

Okay, that's it gang. Happy Tuesday that looks and feels like a Monday!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Okay, Friday housekeeping: I'll be back later with a Last Airbender review, but I know you're all taking off early to get your "blowing stuff up for freedom" on. So, be safe this weekend, don't drink and f**king drive, and don't blow your genitals off. That's about the best advice you could give for such a thing.

Oh, and maybe one more, don't see Twilight. I know your girlfriend (or boyfriend) wants you to, but you're better than that. I can allow that the books may be able to be injected with your own imagination enough to make them passable, but there's no way you can listen to Robert Pattinson and Shirtless McTinyNipples for two and a half hours and not lose part of your soul. I'm not exactly advocating that you go see The Last Airbender either. So, maybe go outside or watch Toy Story 3 again? I don't know.

Okay, last thing before we get to this: I'm a flaming liberal, as you can tell by a ton of my jokes. Somewhere along the line it became common thinking that somehow we're less patriotic or supportive of our troops than the other side. That's just not true. I love this country, from our continued commitment philosophically as a nation to beautiful ideals to the continued belief that we can and will rise above any problem at any time. And I love the troops that are far braver than me who do what I could never do in order to make people in this nation and (just as importantly) many others safer. Thank you to the troops, I love you to America, and let's do some box office haikus.

Oh, and these are for grosses from Friday through Sunday, even though Twilight came out Wednesday and Airbender came out Thursday. What ever happened to releasing movies on Friday like normal people?

1.) Twilight: Eclipse - $98 million

This title fits well.
When it comes to eclipses,
you don't look at them.

2.) The Last Airbender - $38 million

STOP WRITING, M. NIGHT!
You are a fine director,
and a shit writer.

3.) Toy Story 3 - $36 million

Kudos to Pixar
for what will be their top flick.
Keep it going, gang!

4.) Grown Ups - $19 million

I have a question.
When it comes to Kevin James,
when is it enough?!?!

5.) Knight and Day - $10.5 million

So sorry, Tommy.
You should listen to me now.
Go play a villain.

WILDCARD - The Karate Kid - $9 million

I would pay to see
Jaden Smith matched up against
the airbender kid.

Okay, that's it! Happy 4th everyone!

Weekend Box Office Results: Why do you still like Adam Sandler?

Seriously? I want to know. Do people go see Adam Sandler movies because they're just used to doing it? Nobody's really excited by them, right? I mean, nobody saw the clip for Grown Ups where they pee in the pool and squealed with laughter, right? Nobody owns Click on Blu-Ray, right? I get that his sense of humor is supposed to be mainstream, but he peaked about 15 years ago by my estimation, how is it that he still has a fan base? Shouldn't they have aged past his antics? I'm so confused right now. It's going to make like $110-$120 million and be another standard successful film, encouraging his studio to keep doing the same damn thing until the sun swallows the earth in 2012. I'm not even necessarily mad, as trying to hate an Adam Sandler movie seems like it would take more energy than the film deserves or used while in production. I'm just confused is all. Really confused.

Here's the box office results, haiku style:

1.) Toy Story 3 - $59 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92.5%)

Top summer movie?
If it can beat out Twilight,
then I think it is.

2.) Grown Ups - $41 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

Look at what you've done.
We were free of Rob Schneider.
But now he is back.

3.) Knight and Day - $20.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

This is not a flop.
People will say that it is.
They just wish it was.

4.) The Karate Kid - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Is this one done yet?
I mean, it was fine and all,
but can we move on?

5.) The A-Team - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

On the other hand...
this one is a big ole flop.
So much for "franchise."

Overall accuracy of prediction - 90%

Summer is easy.
They make the choices for me.
I like it that way.

Okay gang, happy Monday to ya! I hope you have a nice one.

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Fearless, flawless box office predictions

As per usual these days, I'll be back later with a review of Knight and Day. I would have it done already but I am wayyyy too tired to care right now.

Speaking of Knight and Day, it's going to flop. Not because it's bad, it really isn't, but because it's just a star-driven project that features a star everyone has suspicions about and a star that I'm sick of watching despite being incredibly attractive. You could really flip those descriptions and they work for either actor. As for the other new release of the week, America, I have a favor to ask. Could we NOT make Grown Ups a hit? I mean, could you do that for me? I'd really appreciate it. See, if it does make $100 million, we're going to keep seeing movies with Kevin James, Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Rob Schneider. Chris Rock should go back to standup, but at least he has talent, so I'll leave him out of this rant. The other dudes belong skimming algae off of pools or something. Sandler wouldn't be the funniest friend I have at this point. None of them should be encouraged to continue this kind of tomfoolery. Do not reward them. Oh, and Kevin James is big, but he's not morbidly obese. The jokes about him sinking boats and being a big ole fatty don't work. None of the jokes work. I hate this.

At least there's Toy Story 3 to hold down the fort. Here's how I see this week, haiku style:

1.) Toy Story 3 - $68 million

You go, little toys.
You show them what good looks like.
Destroy the Grown-Ups!

2.) Grown Ups - $37 million

This hurts me real bad.
I want it to do nothing.
It's got ROB SCHNEIDER!!!!

3.) Knight and Day - $19 million

So sad to see this.
Tom Cruise, the movie star, rules.
We only see nuts.

4.) The Karate Kid - $18 million

Keep on kick punching!
This year's biggest surprise hit.
I wish it was good!

5.) The A-Team - $9 million

I will say this much:
Bradley Cooper's a doucheboat.
I so love that term.

WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $5 million

See you, Russell Brand.
Go back to doing other business.
Like Katy Perry.

Be back later with a review! Until then, enjoy Friday!!!!

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Box Office Results: Suck on that, White!

Okay, so technically Toy Story 3 didn't set a record, but it's early. Given the relative lack of family films (or any films) of quality this summer, there's every chance that TS3 is going to set the all-time animation record. Yeah, I said it. There's virtually nothing standing between it and unparalleled success, and it even has 3D going for it. The world is Buzz and Woody's oyster. In other news, tip your cap and bow your head, Megan Fox's career died on Sunday, June 20th. If she can't even portray a hooker effectively, she has no further hope. She will now commence a career consisting entirely of appearing in gentlemen magazines where's she almost shows booby but never does. You make women with talent proud, Miss Fox!

Okay, here's the rest of the box office results, haiku style.

1.) Toy Story 3 - $109 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

These toys aren't playing.
They're out for box office blood!
Faster, Buzz, KILL KILL!

2.) Karate Kid - $29 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

The younger Smith rules.
Back at home, there will be blood.
Only one can rule!

3.) The A-Team - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

It's not a big flop.
But it is a mini-bomb.
So it's like kaboom

4.) Get Him to the Greek - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

A nice little film
taking in a nice tally.
That's...what's the word? Nice!

5.) Shrek Forever After - $5.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

The summer's big flop,
and yet nobody says it.
Let me then: This sucked.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 90.4%

Summer is now here!
And yet I am not on break.
This is so not fair.

Okay, that's it guys, happy Monday, be productive.

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Movie Review: Toy Story 3

Here's that Toy Story 3 review I promised!

No Country for Old Toys
Toy Story 3 and the afterlife of playthings
Ryan Syrek

If the theology behind the Toy Story series is correct, we’re evil bastards, all of us. After a lifetime spent in servitude to their increasingly dispassionate and demanding masters, we sentence these sentient creations who want only to create joy and love to spend eternity in a dark attic or to find oblivion in an incinerator. Thanks for the memories, once beloved creatures of our youth; hope you enjoy cardboard purgatory or trash hell!

Pixar, the only Michelangelo in a world populated by finger-painting computer animation studios, often infuses sophisticated, classically childlike fare with heady intellect. With Toy Story 3, screenwriters John Lasseter, Michael Arndt and Andrew Stanton and writer/director Lee Unkrich weave obligatory themes of enduring friendship with contemplations on life’s purpose, explorations of the molting experienced in young adulthood and, you know, some fun stuff.

In an interesting meta-twist facilitated by the decade between the second and third installments, those who saw the first film in theaters as toddlers are now somewhere in their late teens and 20s and are just as ready to relegate Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen) and Woody (Tom Hanks) to their mental attic as their fictional owner Andy (John Morris) is. Wisely realizing college opportunities for young men are limited by ample toy collections, Andy marks only Woody for higher learning and the rest for the boxed limbo of storage.

Ever the escapists, the cavalcade of kiddie creatures work their way into a daycare facility that seemingly offers an endless fix for the toys’ addiction to playtime. Welcomed by an aged, plush teddy bear named Lotso (Ned Beatty) and his right-hand doll, Barbie’s mate Ken (Michael Keaton), the gang’s happiness quickly morphs into yet another Rube Goldberg-esque series of escape attempts. It all culminates in a harrowing moment that sees the characters quite explicitly come to grips with their own seemingly inevitable demise…so there’s that.

The high-wire act of melding philosophical reflections with goofy, slapstick action is made all the more difficult because the insertion of 3D is particularly gimmicky this time out. Whereas with Pixar’s Up, the perspective alteration felt organic and warranted, here it feels as cheap and extraneous as the multiple “Ken is effeminant” jokes. Looks like it’s never too young to teach kids that boys who do girl things should be mercilessly ridiculed. Thankfully, the inclusive “we’re all in this together” motif far outweighs the light-but-stupid overreliance on ascot jokes.

Where the funny really comes from is elaborately conceived adventure sequences and clever twists on familiar characters. From Buzz being switched to SAP mode to Woody forced to discuss improvisational acting talents with a stuffed porcupine who is trying to really sell a tea party, the key is humor that seamlessly works on two levels. If nothing else, Toy Story 3 should be hailed as a conquering hero for being the first animated feature to wholly forgo fart jokes.

Although the series could have stopped after the first or second effort without feeling incomplete, the end of the third installment feels definitive. Its message about relegating those trapped fragments of youth to memory seems to speak directly to the very audiences who elevated The Karate Kid remake to a box office win last week. Although gobs of money may convince them otherwise, Pixar seems ready to gracefully move on from the franchise that spawned them, and audiences will likely happily release their grip as well. As for the toys themselves, they apparently get to spend the remainder of their immortal lives longing for returned love or the sweet release of death. Have fun thinking about that one, kids!

Grade = A-

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'll be back later on today with a Toy Story 3 review, but for now, you just console yourself with some wickedly hilarious haikus. Okay, maybe not wicked hilarious, but you try being funny about Jonah Hex. Actually, that's pretty easy. Speaking of the movie that has yet to convince one critic in America that it doesn't suck the shell off of an egg, it's going to do poorly. Like, "why did this happen to some good people" kind of poorly. Not doing poorly: Toy Story 3, which had a theater absolutely packed at midnight last night. Speaking of that, quick anecdote for you. My friend, Matt, and I went to go see the movie and were SHOCKED to find the theater populated entirely (and I mean ENTIRELY) with people aged 16-22. We were old men. This just in: People aged 16-22 apparently do not know how to appropriately watch a movie in a theater. With one guy making ridiculous noises to get attention, half the audience calling out to one another from ACROSS THE THEATER, a girl who laughed during every sincere moment (I mean LAUGHED too, not giggled), and three quarters of the audience expressing absolute astonishment by the magic of 3D throughout the film, it was easily the worst collective audience I've ever seen a movie with. I won't hold this against Toy Story 3. It was great.

Anyway, here's my predictions for the weekend, haiku style.

1.) Toy Story 3 - $120 million

The best "3" ever?
I'd say it is possible.
Suck on that Eclipse!

2.) The Karate Kid - $32 million

Step one is complete.
Step two involves an album.
Jaden Smith is HERE!

3.) Jonah Hex - $15 million

Megan Fox sucks bad.
She has a Southern accent.
Just think about that.

4.) The A-Team - $14 million

So much for that plan.
There will be no franchise here.
Neeson is soooo pissed.

5.) Shrek Forever After - $7.5 million

Goodbye you booger.
Pixar will kick your booty.
So what else is new?

WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $6.5 million

I think I'll own this.
There's so much funny in it.
Russell Brand is god.

Okay, that's it for now, back later with a review for you!

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Prepare to get misty-eyed, as the first official trailer for Toy Story 3, perhaps the most anticipated animated sequel of all-time (yes, that is saying something), leans heavily on some Randy Newman schmaltz. If you don't at least get a bit emotional (and have a sudden, strong urge to head to the basement or garage and begin sifting through your old toys to free them from the hell that you unknowingly sentenced them to...DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE), you're a terrible person.



3D gimmick or not, I am really looking forward to this. Not quite as much as I am looking forward to the Where the Wild Things Are preview tonight, but still really looking forward to it.