Thursday, February 25, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

Welcome one and all to that glorious time of the week during which I show the world my junk! And by my junk, I mean movie tidbits that I didn't turn into full blog posts and not my genitals because that would be (A) gross and (B) illegal. As is our special weekly tradition, let's take a second to make up a completely fabricated and creepy story about an item from the drawing of a junk drawer above that came from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN (I emphasize the children part because, seriously, look at that know that hand is attached to a body that's up to no good). Today's item is the fuzzy thread in the middle of the drawer. After years of inventing, Sammy finally completed the necessary logarithms and equations and EUREKA! Monkey dynamite. The hardest thing about the monkey dynamite is getting the fuse lit, what with all the fuzzy hair on it. But once you get it lit, the explosion that results is just bananas.

Okay, moving quickly on to this week's news nuggets!

1.) Two for the Zoo? - People I really like on the interwebs (like Slashfilm, Latinoreview, Chud, Darkhorizons) pretty much universally hate Nikki Finke. I can see why. She ignores other people's scoops and treats them like she was the one who first found them and seems, by all accounts and stories, to be kind of a douchenozzle. What sucks is, she keeps getting the scoops, because apparently people in Hollywood LOVE douchenozzles. This should come as great relief to a number of people I know, who should move to Hollywood ASAP. Anyway, Finke, Finke Douchenozzle, as she shall now be called, has learned that Iron Man 2 and Tropic Thunder screenwriter Justin Theroux is working with Ben Stiller on a script for Zoolander 2. This is good, because Zoolander is actually pretty damn funny. I know some people don't "get it," but any time male models are killed in a "tragic gasoline fight" and someone corrects Jon Voight by saying "MerMAN, dad, MerMAN," it's funny. Plus, Theroux wrote the line "never go full retard," which means he should be rich forever in my eyes, as it may be the funniest four word combination in recent history. Jonah Hill is supposedly in talks to play the bad guy, which actually is kind of just okay for me. I'm kind of growing tired of Hill and I hope he's ready to broaden (not literally, dude needs to lose some LBs pretty fast yo, he's beyond unhealthy) his horizons past his usual schtick. We don't need another Jack Black on our hands. At any rate, Zoolander grew on me, so I hope this one is equally as stupidly awesome. Bonus points if they get Billy Zane back.

2.) Gaga for Goyer? - Latino Review hates Finke Finke Douchenozzle more than everyone else to the point where they spent the whole day yesterday in full-on spaz mode on twitter patting themselves on the back for getting a pretty bad ass scoop yesterday that Finke didn't get. I'm proud of them, sure, but like 27 tweets from various LR folks giving Finke Finke Douchenozzle the finger got a little laborious. Then again, I say that as a person who hasn't scooped anything but ice cream and Raisin Bran. Anyhoodle, their scoop was that David Goyer will write Superman: Man of Steel, the new Superman project overseen by Christopher Nolan. Supposedly, the script involves Lex Luthor and Braniac, introduces a boatload of Kryptonian mythology, and is generally exciting. Well, kind of. See, I don't really like David Goyer that much. I think his writing is really, really spotty. Don't believe me? Sure, he wrote THE STORY for The Dark Knight (which can be boiled down to the Joker does some shit), but he also wrote the following: Kickboxer 2, The Crow: City of Angels, the Nick Fury TV movie, Blade Trinity, and Jumper. If you want to get technical, I loved Dark City (which he wrote the entire screenplay for and was incredible) and liked (not loved) his Batman Begins and Dark Knight scripts. That's it. Other than that, he's a crapmaster. Not okay, not so-so, but a CRAP master. I'm just saying, the fact that he was involved with good Batman movies doesn't mean he may save Superman. There's a chance we could get dialogue like this:
3.) Will Cap put the Red Skull's gun in jello? - Among the news that's had comic fans more apoplectic than the GOP after they found out Democrats may do something that helps people, THR reported earlier this week that Marvel is narrowing the list of potential Captain Americas. Also, Marvel is a bunch of effin' cheapskates. The article said basically that they're offering $300,000 to an unknown to be the lead in a movie that will likely make $75 million or more opening weekend. Suck on that. Also, the actor has to sign a NINE picture deal. What's next, does Marvel demand a "prima nocturne" rule and get to have its execs bang the wife of the new Captain America? Seriously, guys, get a good actor not the cheapest. The list now includes that Scott Porter (Friday Night Lights), Mike Vogel (Cloverfield), Michael Cassidy (Smallville), and Patrick Flueger ( The 4400), none of whom I could identify for all the blow at New York's fashion week. I can identify this guy though:
Yeah, that's right, John Krasinski is on the short list for Captain America. I have to say this, I don't mind it. Yeah, it SEEMS ridiculous because he's Jim from "The Office," right? But (A) I believe him to be a talented actor (yes, really). I also believe he'd get YOKED for the role because he knows it would be necessary. I also think he's going to be better than the no-names I listed above. Seriously, I don't WANT Krasinski in the role, but of that short list I mentioned above, who would you rather have? A guy like Krasinski or somebody from "Smallville?" Really.

4.) When, God? When will Matt Damon get his acting Oscar? - This won't stop until we give him an Oscar. Sure, we may get the occasional Green Zone or Bourne, but we're mostly going to get Invictus and shit until Matt Damon is given the golden statue. What do I mean? Nikki Nikki Douchenozzle is reporting that Damon will play Bobby Kennedy. What other reason is there to play a dead politician than hoisting an Oscar? Seriously. For the record, this movie could be good. Also, I think Damon DESERVES an Oscar. We live in a world where Adrian Brody has one and Matt Damon doesn't. Also, there's this:

5.) Trailers, Parked - A few goodies this week, with two of the three being new versions of trailers for movies we've seen glimpses of already. First up is the new Nightmare On Elm Street trailer, which looks as fun as the other stuff we've seen. I know it's a remake, but Jackie Earle Haley kind of rules and I like Freddy Kreuger. It's not run-of-the-mill horror, so I like playing around in this world, even if that sounds vaguely dirty. I'm not saying I'm there opening night, but I will be there.

Waking Sleeping Beauty is a great look at the birth of the era of Disney that made my childhood. From 1984-1994, Disney animation was simply fantastic. This largely home-video-style documentary will make me long for the days when not everything was CGI and Shrek 4 seemed impossible.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps may be a train wreck. It also may totally rule. I GET why there can be a sequel to this movie now. I GET why there are new things that can be said about how we've evolved financially and culturally since the 1980s. I like Shia LeBeouf, I like Oliver Stone, and I love Josh Brolin. I have no idea if all of this can come together in a quality film but this trailer actually gave me more hope than the weird-ass first one. See what you think.

Okay, that's my junk for this week! See you tomorrow to close out this big ole week in style, bitches.

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